How do I deal with "not liking" my own mother

LegacyUser

Hi, just posting here as a means of getting this off my chest and maybe someone else will have gone through similar. I am female, 26 years old and I have never had a good relationship with my mother since I can remember. There have been many times in my life when I have been abused and humiliated by her and this still happens on occasions but I remove myself from the situation which seems to make her even more annoyed.

Just to give some background on the situation. I guess the earliest memory of her being nasty/cruel was when we were on holidays when I was 10/11. I have a brother who is 8 years older so I was just on holidays with her and my Dad. Once they brought me to a swimming pool and I was swimming on my own when a family asked if I wanted to join in their game. I played with them and one boy was about my age and we got on well and were chatting for a bit. On the way home I got given out to and called a slut (I didn't know what it meant) and who did I think I was talking to this boy and being flirty with him. As children go I was as innocent as they come and I couldn't understand this issue she had with me being friendly with a boy.
Over the years there have been many incidents where I have been humiliated and felt quite let down by her. I broke up with a boyfriend when I was 19 and on finding a note I wrote to him, she basically sneered in my face and said I wasn't that good a catch and he'd be better off with someone else than me. I had issues in a job where I was bullied by an employer and the situation was turned around to be my fault and there was no support of any sort given by her. When I started working fulltime 6 years ago, I put on maybe half a stone in weight due to stress. I remember bathing my feet in water after an exercise class and she launched into a tirade,pouring hotter water into the basin, getting a wooden spoon and hitting my feet with it. She started roaring at me asking "why I was so fat" and if I was pregnant. Soon after I moved out of home and she threw a black bag of clothes out behind me and closed the door in my face.
There have been lots of incidents over the years where I have been called, disgusting, horrible, stink, fat, disgraceful and I can't think why. I have a good job, am independent and I have never caused her trouble of any sort. I do my best to help around home and I have lots of friends so I don't consider myself to be a horrible person to deserve this treatment. She still seems to think she can treat me like a child and can order me to do things and when I don't or wont she loses it. She is a nightmare to be around at times.

My issue is that the older I am getting, I feel like she disgusts me as a person. I have a boyfriend who is amazing and we have been together for 6 months but I can't tell her. I am around home more regularly during the summer due to being off work and if I go somewhere for a day she doesn't even speak to me when I come home so if I told her it was to see a boyfriend she would lose the plot. I feel at the moment that so much anger is brewing up over how I have been treated by her. I guess its because some cousins and friends have had babies recently and they love their children so much and I wonder did she ever feel like that towards me. I feel bad for thinking my mother is horrible but on a weekly basis there are things she does/says or ways she behaves which make me lose respect for her. Even the fact that her job now involves her working with people and having to be kind and gentle and I wonder how she can be so good to them when I get treated so badly.
I feel sort of cold towards her and I give out to myself for not liking her and upset myself at times. I have only become confident in myself in maybe the last year or two and with this confidence I have this anger towards her and I don't like it, but at the same tie I an't help how I feel. I often think of my wedding day or maybe moving in with someone and it fills me with dread because I know she will ruin it. Maybe others out there will have felt the same at some point in their lives and may have some way of dealing with things like this. I don't need to be able to be best friends with my mother, rely on her for support etc as I know I will never have that but Id like to feel less of the anger and resentment towards her if possible.

beatlesfan3333

Not liking your own mother is a hard thing to admit and people often don't understand it. Accepting it is the first step. I learned that I needed to accept that I don't get on with my mother and never will. Once I accepted it, I didn't need to keep hoping things would get better and when she lets me down now I'm not as hurt or as surprised as before. I manage the relationship now. I realised that as an adult, I now have the power to control the situation and not let it control me or my emotions. I took a big step back from my family and I control what they know about my life and when I see them. I would recommend this approach as it has helped me greatly. Counselling about things like this is always good too. Hope this has helped.

beatlesfan3333

PS. It sounds like maybe you live with her? I would recommend moving out if you can. I think distancing yourself from someone like that is helpful.

An Bhanríon

I am ten years older than you and in the same situation with my mother but for other reasons. I found the thing that helped me most was to find others who were in the same situation as myself. I always found it difficult to discuss this issue with people who were close to their mothers. They listened sympathetically but I knew they had no understanding of how I felt. How could they! So knowing one or two people in the same situation is a great help (even if it is just on an internet forum). You are by no means alone. However, this is something people seldom discuss because it is seen as 'wrong'.

The other thing that helped me was realising that I got my 'mothering' from other people in my life. My own mother was actually a very good provider, it's just the intimacy that was never there. I spent years trying to create a bond between us and regretting that I didn't succeed. I also wondered how I turned out so 'normal' in that I can be a very motherly type and get on very well with children. The penny then dropped that I had been mothered by many other people, just not my own mother.

Things will get easier. The anger and the guilt will lessen. Physically moving away helps a lot, if that is financially possible. Try and keep contact with her, though, and stay civil, but do it on your own terms. And limit the amount of time you spend together if that helps. Counselling and meditation helped me too.

Good luck on your journey :-)

The Princess Bride

Hello OP.
Your post is sad, nobody deserves to be treated like that,especially by a parent.
It's not clear whether you live at home still.
You mention moving out before and then you talk about being there during the summer.If you're financially independent and employed you have no need to still live at home.
At 26 years of age, you are responsible for your own happiness. You do not need to have a relationship with your mother unless you want to, yes,it goes against our natural instinct.But that doesn't make it mandatory.

You've got to think of your emotional well being and your future relationships.Denying the existence of a boyfriend at your age isn't normal - it could make things difficult for him too.

Out of curiosity, what is her relationship like with your brother and how close are you to him?

seenitall

Hi OP,

Yes, I've been there too. Been bullied, shouted at, terrorised, put down, belittled, humiliated in front of my friends, been called a whore and been made unable to enjoy any good in my life, all throughout growing up.

Basically, your mother is mentally unwell and jealous of you and any happiness you might achieve, that's why she tries to belittle you and ruin anything good that might happen for you. Read up on narcissists, and narcissistic mothers especially, OP, and things should become clearer.

At exactly the age you are now, I emigrated, thus escaping her reach somewhat, and this eventually started me on the path of clearing my head from the abuse and seeing things for what they were, and then I really made progress once I got myself into counselling. So I do recommend counselling for yourself, OP, because your post makes my heart break for you. You seem like such a nice person but your innocence was taken from you very early in a very cruel way, by the one person who is supposed to love and support you unreservedly. It's a tough, tough thing to go through, to acknowledge and move on from.

The anger and bitterness that you are feeling are completely normal after years of emotional abuse you've endured. So let yourself feel them without any guilt or shame, but you may need some help at processing them and moving on from them in due course, as well as in learning about some coping strategies around dealing with these toxic people in our lives. That's why I can't emphasise enough how much some counselling around these issues could help you.

You are not the first or the last person to have gone through this, OP. Believe me, you will be all the stronger for your experiences ultimately, but you will need to put a bit of effort into putting yourself first and doing what's best for you.

Good luck!

coolcat63

I think you need to ask yourself if you'd put up with this terrible behaviour from a friend? I hope not, and if that's the case why put up with from someone who happens to be related to you? If you can't bring yourself to cut all contact then reduce it to a bare minimum and learn to deflect, ignore or laugh at every barb she fires at you. I also think some sort of counselling would be a good idea, to help you with coping strategies and to build up your self confidence.

eviltwin

As a child of a toxic mother I understand how hard it can be to deal with, its the complete opposite of how the mother/child relationship can be. Mothers are supposed to be kind, loving and nurturing but unfortunately horrible people have children too.

I had to leave home and cut all ties with her because things were so bad, it was only then that I was able to move forward because what you are dealing with is a form of domestic abuse and you can't possibly heal yourself if you are continuing to live with the abuser. So for your own health and wellbeing I would get out as soon as you can. Because she isn't just going to change and every day you spend around her is doing you damage.

For me the hardest part of everything has been acceptance as my mother also worked in a caring profession and was a real street angel house devil. Again classic abuser behaviour. Its been hard to be honest about calling the abuse what it was. It was domestic violence, just with different dynamics to what we usually expect. I hoped that when I left things might calm down or that with age she might mellow but its hasn't been possible and that's a huge loss and gives a massive sense of rejection. Its still hard for me to see my friends with their mothers who are what mothers should be. I feel cheated that I wasn't able to have that, for a long time I wondered if it was me and was I just unloveable but you find substitutes, your friends moms, your boyfriends mom, all these wonderful women can help fill the void. But you need to get some space.

Good luck and remember you are not alone xx

Mayboy

Hi,

So sorry you had to go through this. Your mother is mentally unwell and it is best if you realise that having any interaction with her is going to end the same way each time. You have the wonderful gift of yourself, of coming through this and being a kind and lovely person. Allow yourself to have a wonderful life and embrace all who support you. Allow your mother to fade into the background without a glance. I wish you happiness & joy in life.

deisemum

I think once you realise you'll never have a good relationship with your "mother" it becomes a lot easier to accept instead of flogging a dead horse in the vain hope that things will change.

I haven't had anything to do with my mother in over 12 years though she did approach me with another sister over 2 years ago but I told them to go away. I don't miss her, I've got a very happy loving home with a wonderful husband who loves me to bits and 2 terrific sons, one in college and the other going into Leaving Cert and they know they mean the world to me. I no longer put up with toxic people.

R.D. aka MR.D

My mother was/is pretty terrible. She put me down from the moment I was born. I can't agree more with the other posters. Distance is key with a horrible mother and also acceptance.

It's not fair that you have this experience. It really isn't but you just have to accept it. You will never have a happy childhood to look back on. You have to accept it.

Once I started to accept those things I felt much better. I used to be so jealous of other people's mothers but I let it go because there is no point in wanting something I can't have.

.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP, the problem is on your mother's side, not yours - although I know that you mightn't feel that way.

I'm a mother now myself, only in the last year. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. For the life of me, I don't understand how people could treat their kids badly - either in the ways you describe, or in other ways that you hear about on the news. The love I have and I know others have, is so unbelievably strong that it's indescribable - you really don't understand it until you have kids yourself. The only conclusion I can come to is that people like your mother are mentally unwell. She must have serious issues inside herself that are causing her to behave like this.

The best you can do is try and put as much distance between her and you. You could try counselling, but I'm not sure how much help that would be - at the end of the day, the problems are hers and not yours, and hours with a counsellor probably won't solve why she behaves the way she does. I think concentrating on your own life and being happy is probably important, and trying to let go of the past as much as you can. As for the future, there are always ways and means of dealing with things like weddings and moving in with people, so try not to worry so much about it. To be honest, you sound like you are simply ready to move on and move away from being treated so badly, so maybe start be trying to put as much distance as possible there.

If it's any consolation, you sound like you'd make a wonderful mother yourself Best of luck in the future.

zeffabelli

Firstly you don't have to have a relationship with your mother, so know that and accept it.

The mother archetype and all that Is Bestowed upon that, can compel us into s Stockholm syndrome with a malignant parent, especially as the bond with a mother is tight.

You can have a bond with someone without loving them, this is what confuses people.

What these moms and other abusers do is a kind of slow drip murder of you, death by emotional titration.

Having been down this road with consequences I never imagined, if I knew what I do now, I would stay as clear as I can and if you ever have kids don't let them near her.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks a million for all the responses. I am only at home more often during the summer months because I work in education and am off for the two months so naturally I come home to visit my Dad and brother pretty regularly. I rent in another county and over the summer I have been home more often because there is nobody in the house that I rent for much of the summer and I wouldn't feel comfortable about being there on my own.
To the person who asked how I get on with my brother, we get on well and rarely fight or have disagreements but I wouldn't confide in him. Him and her have had their issues over time, not as bad as mine but there would have been a lot of tension there. However,now it's like he can do no wrong, got a car off my parents and never paid for it and god forbid if I was tight for money, my mother wouldn't want to know but my Dad has helped out in the past. This has sort of built resentment inside me as my brother did cause stress and trouble when he was younger, crashed numerous cars, off the road for drink driving etc and he is the one now who can't get enough done for him, whereas she still treats me like rubbish. He lives with his girlfriend now and it's clear to see my Mam doesn't like her, wouldn't even offer her tea or coffee when she comes to visit.
Her relationship with my father isn't great at times and when I was young I thought they were going to split up. She behaves the same with him as she would with me, volatile and flying off the handle at the smallest of things and if things weren't done her way,you would be ignored for periods. I would get on better with my father, he doesn't subject me to the same abuse but he can be hard to live with at times, extremely negative and judgemental most of the time.
I just find in the last few months, I am harbouring this anger and feeling of disdain towards my Mam. I feel like I have spent years trying to build myself up and only recently this anger seems to become more of a force inside me. Sometimes I find myself cringing or looking at her with almost pity with the way she behaves. She is an extremely complex person. Perfectionist but house is a mess. Nice as pie to everyone else but horrible to her family. I think she definitely has some kind of mental illness and I guess recently even though I am more accepting of that, I resent not ever having an apology for her behaviour and often after an outburst and I have left the house, I get this text message humiliating me even more.
I don't know what I can do about it as recently the anger and hurt I have is affecting me and my moods even just thinking about it. Thanks to all who replied,makes me realise there are others going through same issues.

coolcat63

OP, surely it must be better being in a house by yourself than spending time with your dreadful mother? Why don't you have days out, spend with your boyfriend, learn to enjoy your own company or volunteer or go anywhere than your family home!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

What you describe sounds like the classic scapegoat/golden child situation.
You mention your sibling can do no wrong despite causing a lot of bother, yet you get the blame for minor things? This is typical in these types of family dynamics.
The family is dysfunctional and needs a scapegoat to blame all of it's ills on.
That is unfortunately your role. You are NOT to blame and never were, and it is no wonder you feel angry.
It is healthy to feel wronged in your situation.

You were simply picked as scapegoat because you were the most sensitive and easiest to hurt.
If you had a more sensitive sibling-they would have been scapegoat.

The only way to win with toxic people is to leave them to it.
Keeping your distance and having low-contact will help you immensely.
You can try to fight back or change them but you'll only be wasting your own time and energy. These people rarely change because they cannot recognise their faults to begin with- another reason they never apologise for anything.

It's great you have a lovely partner,perhaps they could be a support?
Talking with a professional would also be a good outlet so you can vent some of that anger and hopefully let it go.
You may also find https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ (for the children of toxic parents) a good place to vent or seek advice.

Realising the reality of your upbringing is extremely tough, but it is the first step to happiness and freedom from toxic family members.
Well done for getting here!
Go easy on yourself. Everything can change now.

I wish you all the best.

An Bhanríon

Just looking at your last post OP. I think your main thing might be that you need to get rid of all expectations you have of your mother, how she should behave, whether she should apologize, etc. I know this is easier said than done, but if you can work in that direction it will be a great weight off your shoulders. It is a sad thing to have to do, but I think it is the only way to deal with these situations. Concentrate on the good relationships you have in your life and cultivate those. I found my close friends and certain family members really good. I also ended up talking to a few complete strangers over the years about the situation and that was an eye-opener too and very liberating.

It's good too that you can have some pity for your mother. You don't need to act on that pity in any way or do anything to help her, but I think it's healthy to have the generosity in your heart to be able to pity somebody who makes your life very difficult. Yeah, whatever you do, don't try and 'fix' your mother as it will just drive you batty and will have no result anyway!!! (I speak from experience :-))

Take good care of yourself. Be REALLY nice to yourself, as you are going through a difficult thing that a lot of people won't understand. Don't expect too much of yourself either and be patient with yourself. If you get angry, let yourself be angry, but try not to feed it. Go out for a long walk or do something nice for yourself. A few people have mentioned books that are good to read. It would be worth having a look at a few of them.

Hugs,

An B.

deisemum

OP one thing I've learnt over the years is that this is more common than you might think. Once you get talking to other people and they open up about their relationships with their parents especially their mother you soon realise that you're not the only one with a toxic parent.

LegacyUser

Op you've got to build a life for yourself, you can't change your mother and you never will. She probably doesn't think she's doing any wrong.

You have two months holidays? I get you don't like staying in the house where you live on your own but if you continue to go home to your parents your own mental health will suffer. I think you need to put some distance between you and your mother and just ignore her ways.

Do you like travel? Do you have any hobbies/interests you could do, to fill the void during the summer months?

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. I've issues of my own with my folks, and like was said above, accepting they're broken people is a big thing. To accept that you weren't given the childhood you deserved, the love and respect you deserved... it's very difficult but it makes a difference. As does realising she's a nasty, broken person whose opinion on you doesn't matter one bit.

I'd also echo the recommendation to seek counselling and to move out and away.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dial Hard

beentheredonethat! wrote: »

What you describe sounds like the classic scapegoat/golden child situation.
You mention your sibling can do no wrong despite causing a lot of bother, yet you get the blame for minor things?

She said the brother had plenty of his own issues with the mother over the years but that these have eased recently.

OP, some people should just not be parents and it sounds like your mother is one of these. Unfortunately, exercising that option/right was simply out of the question for many women of your mother's generation. You got married, you had kids, end of. That doesn't excuse your mother's behaviour towards you but it may go some way towards explaining it.

If you can accept that the way your mother treated you was through no fault of your own, I think that would be a great first step. Other posters have also given good advice about managing the relationship and realising that you don't have to accept her behaviour.

CaraMay

Op no one should have to go through this but, as a mother, get very irritated by posters on here who hate their parents yet choose to live in the family home when suits them. Can you not see the hypocrisy? As I said, you shouldn't be in this position but you are and the best thing to do is stay away from her and see your father and brother in another place.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

She said the brother had plenty of his own issues with the mother over the years but that these have eased recently.

Golden children don't get off lightly in these situations either.
Very often they are even more enmeshed and find it much harder to establish independence from the parent. (Op mentioned her mother doesn't seem to like her brother's girlfriend and is rude to her) This is common.... as partners are often deemed a threat to the toxic parent.
As tough as it is being a scapegoat, they are much more likely to wake up like OP has and remove themselves from a very unhealthy situation.

OP can have low contact or "structured contact" with the toxic parent (Basically contact with them entirely on your terms) This will give you back a level of control over the situation.

cassid

It's not easy growing up with a mother who is so different from all your friends mothers.

My mother's behaviour ended her marriage, and my brother has not spoken to her in 15 years. She blames everybody else for these situations, I was blamed on her marriage ending and I was 6 at the time. She remembers nothing of the horrible things she did or said to me, it suits her that way.

You can't change people, you can only change how you respond or deal with them. I have very little contact with her now and that suits me and my family.

I will never have a mother who loves me or cares for me, but I can be a mother who loves and cares. I have children now and I adore them and tell them every day how l love them and how lucky I am to have them in my life. Growing up in a toxic environment, made me work hard on all my relationships especially my children.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry your mother is so nasty. I've had similar issues with my mother, where she also never supported me in my problems and thought everything was my fault. Because of this, when I was raped aged 20 I never told her, as I knew she's say it was my fault. When I was badly sexually harassed at work I never told her that either. This is a very toxic relationship and it's never going to get better. You are an adult now and you don't have to put up with it. She's not a mother to you emotionally, only biologically. You share 50% of your DNA with her but that means nothing really as we also each share 50% of our DNA with a banana. So you are as closely related to your mother as you are to a banana, you don't owe her any more consideration than you owe to a banana. You would owe her something if she'd been a loving, emotional mother to you, but she has not. Get rid!

Daisy78

Op there was a book published recently called "The Daughterhood" which explores the mother daughter relationship. It includes interviews with women, some of home have quite healthy "normal" relationships but others who have had to deal with difficult narcissist mothers who never showed any love or affection towards their daughter. Some of these women felt quite guilty even admitting to their hatred for their mother but felt relieved at having the opportunity to express how they felt and know that they weren't the only ones out there. It might be a worth a read.

I guess as other posters have said, you are an adult now. There is no obligation on you to maintain a pretence with your mother. As a child it most have been confusing, you assume adults are always right, only with maturity and hindsight you see how this is not always the case. There is some peace to be had in accepting your mother as she is, knowing that you have tried your best but ultimately she probably is not going to change.

--LOS--

Hi OP I don't want to get into this too much because honestly its too hurtful but you should really have a look over on r/raisedbynarcissists, read the links in the sidebar and some things might click for you. I'd also really recommend the book "will I ever be good enough". People love to idealise mothers, not all mothers are capable of love or empathy, a narcissistic mother having a child is just a recipe for one of the worst forms of abuse. If you think that is the issue then consider getting some kind of therapy with someone who knows that area. That is what you can do. You can't control your mothers behaviour, it will likely not change, just get rid of any expectations you have for that happening, get rid of any expectations you have about her at all. Its one thing to say that, its a long process to really accept that. You can control how much contact you have with her, you can set boundaries, you can choose what information you give her. Wish you all the best.