Expectant Father Who Doesn't Want Child

LegacyUser

Hi,
I've been looking on line to find something relate-able to what I'm going through. There is very little forums etc for fathers to be, and even less for expectant fathers to be who don't want the child.

The story begins as myself and my OH had been going through a very rough patch to point of almost breaking up. She had lost her job, she found out she was pregnant then I lost my job. I understand every one will think I'm every kind of arse hole but I'd just ask for people to refrain from judgement as much as possible. I tried to convince my partner to have a termination, both of us had lost our jobs and to say our relationship was in the gutter is an understatement. Of course every one turned against me then because I didn't want the baby and didn't want her to have it. Termination was never an option and I was told so in no uncertain terms, she was having the baby and I had no say in it.

I already have children from a previous marriage who are now teenagers and making their own way in their world and now I have another baby on the way which I do not want. I'm not naive, I know once the child is born I'll feel differently but I feel like I'm the only person going through this. Looking on line it's all what to expect for father's to be, support your partner etc. etc. practical advice. But no one talks about the bad stuff. There seems to be no resources for males in my position.

While after realising I had no say in the baby being born I knew I had to get on board. Which is what I've done but to be honest, this is not my baby, this is my partner's and her families I'm just the sperm donor. I come in and I'm being told about things that are being done, things they are buying and as reluctant as I am to be a father I feel even more excluded from the whole experience. Her family and herself are all hypocritical, talking about Christenings when not one of them ever goes to mass. I'm an atheist and have expressed my very strong opinion on not wanting the child to be baptised, again I've been told by my partner the child will be baptised - end of story.

My partner has complained that our sex life has dwindled, which to be honest was never great to start with but the fact is I'm just not attracted to her. I know I know, I hear the cries of "chauvinistic pig" but the fact is my partner has changed. Gone is the woman I fell in love with who always took pride in her experience, no effort is made any more. No make up when she goes out, sloppy t-shirts and hoodies she says she doesn't feel sexy so how can I find her sexy by the same token, horrible oversized underwear included. And yes I know she can't help it, she's pregnant but there is two of us in this pregnancy, well...there's supposed to be. There's no one I can admit these things to so I bury them but there has to be others out there who have felt the same. Fathers who don't want the pregnancy, even mothers?

People come up to me and say "Oh congratulations!" and I just want to tell them "f**k off! I've got a baby on the way that I don't want and have no say in and it's changed our whole relationship!"

No one seems to to say these kind of things out loud. Am I alone?! Am I a pr*ck of the highest degree?!

CaraMay

Op if I had an unexpected pregnancy I would not have an sbortion just because my partner wanted me to. That's hard for you in this case as obviously the woman holds the final say in matters like this.

It sounds like your relationship is dead. I suggest you stay until she has the baby, get your name on the birth cert and make sure you are a legal guardian. Once this is done you can split up, arrange visitation and maintenance and your life can go somewhat back to normal. You won't have 100% responsibility for the child as he /she won't be in your care all say every day and you can move ahead with your life. Another pro is that you won't have much interaction with her family. So try to keep the peace until you get the above sorted and then finish it and move on with your life.

ABajaninCork

No. You sound like a bloke who's going through the mill at the moment...Job losses both sides, unexpected pregnancy and relationship on shaky ground. No wonder you're p*ssed off!

But I have to be honest. If you knew you didn't want another child, why didn't you take care of business? There is no excuse for unwanted pregnancies (from either party) if you don't want one.

But - Here we are. Your partner's pregnant. In less than ideal circumstances. What do you want to do? How involved do you want to be in the child'd life? Do you want to stay with your partner??

How are you going to take care of the baby? Do your children know yet, and if not, how are you going to approach telling them the news??

Is this a first child for your partner? Maybe that's why her family have taken over a bit.

And yes - you're being a bit unfair with regard to your partner's appearance. She's just lost her job. Your confidence is taking a battering. You don't FEEL like looking and acting sexy. You're too bloody worried about how to pay the bills and if you'll ever get another job. And now the baby. How did you think she would feel FFS?? I should know - I've been there. Not nice, and not exactly a confidence boost either!!

Have YOU 'kept up appearances'? Be honest. Have you tried to make yourself attractive to her??

Perhaps you ought to take a step back - even move out for a bit, to give you some breathing space and decide what you really want.

Good luck!!

jopax

Hi op,

To answer your question I don't think your a pr..k at all. You are just being honest about your feelings. If she wanted to terminate then there wouldn't be an issue at all.
The problem as you already know is that there is nothing you can do to change things.
It doesn't bode well with your relationship if she cannot take your feeling into account.
The second biggest noose on your relationship sounds like her family and there over involvement.
The only the I could suggest is to try to communicate to your partner on how you feel.

Maybe yee might be better of apart and you can still maintain a good relationship with your child and that has to come first.
I really do feel for you, but you are caught up in a situation and your hands are tied.
Just try to be open and honest, and maybe by just wanting to be a part in the child's life will get you by.
You don't need to be the best dad, but just doing your best that will be enough.
Just try to chat it out with friends or your family who will be there to support you.
I wish you well, it will all work out.xxx

zeffabelli

reluctantdadtobe wrote: »

Hi,
I've been looking on line to find something relate-able to what I'm going through. There is very little forums etc for fathers to be, and even less for expectant fathers to be who don't want the child.

<SNIP>

Im confused by your post.

On the one hand you say you don't want the pregnancy and on the other you are complaining that you are being left out of it.

If you don't want it in the first place isn't it a good thing they are leaving you out? Doesn't that save you from it?

Also, what do you mean you tried to convince her to have a termination? That itself may have sent the message you are not interested and you may have indirectly created your own redundancy. The more ambivaent you are, the more they are going to take over. It's a vacant position.

Yeah her family is hypocritical....they can join the queue.

MissFlitworth

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it OP, can be really hard for men to say they aren't happy about a pregnancy without coming across like monsters. Cura do crisis pregnancy counselling for men too, you can get more info through
http://www.cura.ie/support-for-men/men-unplanned-pregnancy and hopefully get a bit of support for yourself facing into this. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op I'm a kind confused you said you were on the verge of breaking up and then your girlfriend got pregnant. Are you staying with her because she is pregnant or because you still love her? Because you mention later you don't want to have sex with her because you are not attracted to her anymore ! I'm inclined to go with caramays post and question if you guys really have a future. If the relationship was falling apart, a baby is not going to,fix the problems that are there already.

vertmann

You said at the start that your relationship had been going through a very rough patch and you had nearly broken up. Maybe you still should do. I can't judge your relationship based on one post of course but the tone that's coming through is far from loving. You don't have anything nice to say about her and you said yourself that you don't fancy her any more. So why are you staying in a relationship that is making you miserable? If you weren't on good terms before this, trying to force her to have an abortion will surely have put another nail or two in the coffin.

You're already speaking like someone who's on the periphery of his own relationship. You've described yourself as a sperm donor and are complaining about her family taking over. What did you expect? Have you looked at this from your partner's point of view. She's in an unhappy relationship, then gets pregnant. Instead of her partner being happy and supportive, he makes it clear he doesn't want the baby and tries to make her have an abortion. She wants to keep the baby. Of course she's going to turn to her own family for support. She's not getting it from you! I don't know why you're saying there's two of you in this pregnancy when you've made it abundantly clear you don't want this child. You can't have it both ways. Either you're supporting your partner or you're not.

All I can suggest to you is that you sit down with your partner and have a discussion about where your relationship is going. You don't have to be together to co-parent. Maybe for the child's sake it would be better if you split up now instead of have it grow up in an unhappy household.

zeffabelli

vertmann wrote: »

You don't have to be together to co-parent. Maybe for the child's sake it would be better if you split up now instead of have it grow up in an unhappy household.

This is true, but you need a good relationship to co parent. If you dont sort out your relational difficulties, it's still a warzone.

In many respects counselling is more necessary during a split.

eviltwin

While I sympathize with you I think you need to cut the self pity. It's not ideal circumstances for your partner either. Maybe you should try supporting each other, just because she won't have an abortion doesn't make her the enemy. Maybe she's just as pissed off as you. Get some counselling, try and decide what you want and what role your willing to play in the child's life.

December2012

Go to relationship counselling - you guys need to figure things out and quickly.

we'llallhavetea

if you dont want a baby then walk away, pay child support but have no involvement if thats what you want.

zeffabelli

I'd be inclined to take very careful consideration of walking away.

It maybe what you want now, but it may not be what you want later and it extremely difficult to reconnect and has unforeseeable consequences for all parties and their families. Most people fail when they do.

Just a word of caution there.

Merkin

Staying together for the sake of a baby, while appearing honourable, is probably one of the worst ideas possible. A child needs love and security and it is far better for a baby to be brought up by one loving parent than two miserable parents begrudgingly together for the 'sake' of a child who, as they get a little older, will pick up on all of that resentment and unhappiness. If you genuinely feel the relationship has run its course, discuss separation and invoke the help of a solicitor so you can thrash out suitable maintenance payments and access rights that suit all parties concerned.

Slutmonkey57b

zeffabelli wrote: »

Im confused by your post.

On the one hand you say you don't want the pregnancy and on the other you are complaining that you are being left out of it.

If you don't want it in the first place isn't it a good thing they are leaving you out? Doesn't that save you from it?

Also, what do you mean you tried to convince her to have a termination? That itself may have sent the message you are not interested and you may have indirectly created your own redundancy. The more ambivaent you are, the more they are going to take over. It's a vacant position.

Yeah her family is hypocritical....they can join the queue.

He doesn't want the baby, and her family are dictating how that baby will be raised. Fair enough on one hand but what do you think will happen when they decide his child needs money for christening parties etc? They decide he has to fork over a few grand for a big party they want to have?

zeffabelli

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

He doesn't want the baby, and her family are dictating how that baby will be raised. Fair enough on one hand but what do you think will happen when they decide his child needs money for christening parties etc? They decide he has to fork over a few grand for a big party they want to have?

Look, this happens all the time. Next year, I am being put in a position where I have to do all the first holy communion duties and I have no interest in it whatsoever. Zero. That's life.

Not a hope in hell Im forking out a few grand for it.

If you absent yourself from the game and sit out the plays, no one will think you're interested so to complain about it passively is staying stuck on the mire of a victim mentality. Get up and play ball or leave the field.

Op doesn't have to fork out a penny for a christening, he doesn't even have to go. At this stage he risks not being invited in the first place.

Op you might ask yourself are you creating a dynamic where they will want to exclude you and then you don't have to make a decision and look like the bad guy?

I'm taking with a grain of salt that it was a bad relationship, not saying it wasn't but I'm aware current emotions shade retrospections.