Not sure about new relationship...

route9

Not sure if this is a common scenario / question, but we'll see..

Anyway, I've been seeing a girl for the past 3 months, mainly as part of a dating / casual arrangement, but over the past month we've 'gone official'. We had our first date (after meeting online) 3 months ago, and a few dates after that before I mentioned that I wasn't really looking for anything serious. She was ok with that and we decided to do the friends with benefits only thing.

A few weeks later we then went away on a short holiday together (I had already booked it and suggested she could come along), and she asked if we could say that we were dating, as she didn't feel comfortable with still calling it a friends with benefits thing if we were going to be going away together.

The holiday went great but I was still happy to keep it as friends with benefits pretty much. However at the end of the holiday she said 'I think we're more than just dating now...', and I didn't want to say anything as I didn't want to upset her or anything, and also because I thought maybe I should give it more of a chance.

Fast forward a month or so and I'm still not sure if I am 'feeling it'. She is a really sweet girl and I do feel attracted to her fundamentally, but I just don't know if I see it going anywhere serious. We have a fun time hanging out together and we are meeting up tomorrow to spend the day and night together, but I am just thinking now that I should say that I am happy for us to just be friends or go back to being fwb and free to see other people.

Another part of me wonders though if I should just chill and enjoy meeting up and see what happens. I realise the whole 'spark' thing might be expecting too much, but at the same time I think I should feel more for her than I currently do..

All thoughts / advice welcome..

Jotunheim

The girl is constantly telling what she wants from a relationship and you're busy figuring out ways to avoid giving it to her while still riding her in a situation totally designed for your exclusive benefit. Have some respect for the girl, let her go and find someone who'll treat her better.

route9

Not sure how you got all that from what I wrote.

Jotunheim wrote: »

The girl is constantly telling what she wants from a relationship

'Constantly telling...' em where did I allude to that? We've had maybe one or two brief chats and one of those was where we were both agreeing that the friends with benefits arrangement was one we both wanted.

Jotunheim wrote: »

and you're busy figuring out ways to avoid giving it to her while still riding her in a situation totally designed for your exclusive benefit. Have some respect for the girl, let her go and find someone who'll treat her better.

I do have respect for her, what I'm really asking is whether I should be feeling more of a spark or if liking someone and enjoying spending time with them should be enough.

Jotunheim

route9 wrote: »

Not sure how you got all that from what I wrote

Quite easily really, it's all there and you didn't dress up your intentions as much as you imagine, your post is transparent and not as conflicted as you want to portray it. You really are just looking for a way to keep getting what you want without giving her what she wants. And she's spending time with you, making plans with you, going on holidays to suit you and explicitly telling you she wants a relationship, that's constant communication on her part and you're either wilfully ignoring it or emotionally stupid if you can't see it. Say you respect her all you want, but your behavior and this thread says different, you just want help in maintaining your benefits.

route9

Jotunheim wrote: »

Quite easily really, it's all there and you didn't dress up your intentions as much as you imagine, your post is transparent and not as conflicted as you want to portray it. You really are just looking for a way to keep getting what you want without giving her what she wants. And she's spending time with you, making plans with you, going on holidays to suit you and explicitly telling you she wants a relationship, that's constant communication on her part and you're either wilfully ignoring it or emotionally stupid if you can't see it. Say you respect her all you want, but your behavior and this thread says different, you just want help in maintaining your benefits.

Yeah you're wrong! What I'm asking about is whether you need to feel that spark to be with someone, or if finding them attractive and wanting to spend time with them each week is enough (but without feeling you want to spend time together all the time).

I don't want help in 'maintaining my benefits', I can go out and have 'benefits' fairly easily! Rather, I'm looking for insights on what I just asked above.

berrygood

route9 wrote: »

Yeah you're wrong! What I'm asking about is whether you need to feel that spark to be with someone, or if finding them attractive and wanting to spend time with them each week is enough (but without feeling you want to spend time together all the time).

I don't want help in 'maintaining my benefits', I can go out and have 'benefits' fairly easily! Rather, I'm looking for insights on what I just asked above.

I'd agree with Jotenheim (hope I spelled that right). This girl has told you she'd like a relationship with you. You either want the same thing or you don't. After 3 months a person would have a fairly good idea if they do. It doesn't sound like you want more than a fwb. Cut her loose and find someone who can give her what she wants. As you said, you can get it anywhere, so go do that and let her find someone who is on the same page as her.

route9

berrygood wrote: »

I'd agree with Jotenheim (hope I spelled that right). This girl has told you she'd like a relationship with you. You either want the same thing or you don't. After 3 months a person would have a fairly good idea if they do. It doesn't sound like you want more than a fwb. Cut her loose and find someone who can give her what she wants. As you said, you can get it anywhere, so go do that and let her find someone who is on the same page as her.

I actually would like a relationship - one where I feel those sparks and I get the butterflies before we meet up, and where the thought of us not going out together is something I don't really want to think about. What I am unsure about right now is whether this is generally unrealistic and more the stuff of Hollywood. Or is it something that I should be feeling?

As I said, we have a laugh, enjoy each other's company and get on well. I am just not sure if that is enough for me, and unfair on her because I know she does like me a lot.

Ethel

A few weeks later we then went away on a short holiday together (I had already booked it and suggested she could come along), and she asked if we could say that we were dating, as she didn't feel comfortable with still calling it a friends with benefits thing if we were going to be going away together.

And assumably you agreed to this if you went ahead with it? It seems to me that you are the one that changed the arrangement.

Why don't you just be honest with her. While you're hiding what you're really thinking, she thinks this might actually have a chance of going somewhere. You have to give her a choice too, why should you be the only one holding the cards? If you told her the truth, maybe she would no longer wish to be messed around and choose to end it with you herself?

CaraMay

Would you care if she was seeing someone wise too?

route9

Ethel wrote: »

And assumably you agreed to this if you went ahead with it? It seems to me that you are the one that changed the arrangement.

Well we both changed it I guess? The reason was because she would have mentioned it to one or two friends that we were doing the casual thing, and she didn't want a scenario where she was heading away with someone whilst only sleeping with them..

Ethel wrote: »

Why don't you just be honest with her. While you're hiding what you're really thinking, she thinks this might actually have a chance of going somewhere. You have to give her a choice too, why should you be the only one holding the cards? If you told her the truth, maybe she would no longer wish to be messed around and choose to end it with you herself?

Yes I think you are right and I think this is what I will do - just be honest and let things unfold. For all I know she might be thinking the same as me - that we have a good time but that we aren't particularly 'serious' as such. I'm not 'messing her around' as you put it, but she deserves to know what I am thinking. It's not her fault if I am unsure about how I feel.

route9

CaraMay wrote: »

Would you care if she was seeing someone wise too?

A good question and one I've asked myself a few times. I certainly would care if she was seeing someone else now. I would wonder what was going on! Likewise I would never be with anyone else while we are still officially seeing each other.

When we decided we were doing the casual thing, she also said that if she went beyond one date with someone, she would call it off with us. I would have done the same.

However, the thing is, if she called it off with me tomorrow, I would be surprised but I don't think I would be disappointed. I guess this tells me what I need to know?

strandroad

route9 wrote: »

Yes I think you are right and I think this is what I will do - just be honest and let things unfold. For all I know she might be thinking the same as me - that we have a good time but that we aren't particularly 'serious' as such. I'm not 'messing her around' as you put it, but she deserves to know what I am thinking. It's not her fault if I am unsure about how I feel.

Sounds like a good idea. From what you describe she's definitely looking to change gears so be honest with her and make sure you're not getting any hopes higher than they can be at the moment.

berrygood

route9 wrote: »

I actually would like a relationship - one where I feel those sparks and I get the butterflies before we meet up, and where the thought of us not going out together is something I don't really want to think about. What I am unsure about right now is whether this is generally unrealistic and more the stuff of Hollywood. Or is it something that I should be feeling?

As I said, we have a laugh, enjoy each other's company and get on well. I am just not sure if that is enough for me, and unfair on her because I know she does like me a lot.

Yeah, those are things you should be feeling.

When you're being straight up with her, just make sure you're very, very clear. People hear what they want. Make sure she knows that it will not be more than something casual.

route9

mhge wrote: »

Sounds like a good idea. From what you describe she's definitely looking to change gears so be honest with her and make sure you're not getting any hopes higher than they can be at the moment.

I think what's been stopping me is that when we do meet up it feels easy and fun, we do get on really well and make each other laugh. It's just think I don't feel this is enough because it's more like friends (albeit more than that obviously), than a relationship. But that's why I question it.

Ethel

route9 wrote: »

It's not her fault if I am unsure about how I feel.

I'm glad you see what I'm getting at. You never know what a good chat would result in, and a little honesty. Tell her you don't mean to mess her around, but here is where you are at. She can tell you what she is thinking, and at least have an option here. You see, if you're the only one making the decisions and realise further down the line she isn't for you - well, she will probably get hurt. I suppose I mean being honest will give everyone a fair chance here. She could feel just like you and would rather take things slow, but there is the chance she may say she knows where she stands now, and is out of it.

Idle Passerby

People generally don't go on holidays with people they are having casual no-strings sex with. Going away together is a fairly coupley thing to do in my opinion.

Don't string her along if your not interested. Shes made it clear she wants a relationship and your not being clear with her that you don't.

Augme

If you want a relationship then move on and find someone you'll actually like. This girl isn't for you if you're not feeling it after 3 months. Since you are open to a relationship it seems like you are wasting your time by still seeing her when you could be out and about dating other people.

route9

Augme wrote: »

If you want a relationship then move on and find someone you'll actually like. This girl isn't for you if you're not feeling it after 3 months. Since you are open to a relationship it seems like you are wasting your time by still seeing her when you could be out and about dating other people.

Cheers, yep I think you are right and I feel that too. She could also be doing the same thing, she is a good-looking girl and could have any number of guys pursuing her.

route9

Idle Passerby wrote: »

People generally don't go on holidays with people they are having casual no-strings sex with. Going away together is a fairly coupley thing to do in my opinion.

Don't string her along if your not interested. Shes made it clear she wants a relationship and your not being clear with her that you don't.

It is and I wouldn't have asked her only a friend (female actually!) knew I was planning on going alone and suggested I ask her if she fancied coming along.

I take your point though, if she is happy that we are going out and I have doubts then I need to bring this up.

The Princess Bride

About the sparks.
I was once friends with a man who fancied me but I didn't feel those sparks.
But the friendship was incredible so we stayed close.
6 months later, I walked into a room and those sparks knocked me sideways, like I'd never ever experienced before. (Lucky us:) )
Prior to that, I'd have always said that spark and chemistry had to be there from the beginning.
I was wrong.

Having said that, you're in a physical relationship so I'd expect you should be feeling somewhat more than you do.
Don't you think?

zeffabelli

You are allowing her to sustain illusions of a future so you can get your needs met, needs likely being sex and companionship.


Make a decision and be clear. Upu don't sound like you know what you want.

Matteroffact

She clearly is not enough for you, hence your post. Break up with her and find someone who does it for you.

fancy pigeon

You're not on the same wavelength as her. She wants commitment, you are not so sure and want to meet other people.

You need to sit back and be clear on what you want to do with your relationship with her. Trying to have it every way to suit yourself I can't see that working