Very shy and moving in to a house share

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm moving into a house share from my parents house in September for college, with 4 others that I've not met yet. I went back to college last year when I was 21. I didn't make any friends at all on my course. I always feel like people are judging me (I know it's probably irrational) and I tend to stay to myself. When I talk to them, I just feel really awkward and just want to get away from the conversation. I wanted to make friends, but I never initiate conversations. As time went on, they made friends with each other and my course would sit together for lunch and I just ended up on my own. Now I've reserved myself to the fact they probably think I'm awkward or stuck up and I'll be a loner in college for the next three years. I have friends that I've had since school, so I'm not totally friendless.

I decided to move out for next year. I really want to make a good first impression with my house mates as I want to make friends with them, be able to go out every now and then. Not be the shy, awkward girl who hides in their room all the time. Even though that is what I know I'll feel like doing.

I guess I'm just looking for any tips on how not to isolate myself from my house mates, like I did with my college peers? It'll be a long 9 months if I don't get friendly with them. Especially since I have no other friends where my college is.

Jotunheim

During the college year, did you try any activities, join any clubs, anything like that? I'd say most of the friends I've made as an adult have been through a shared interest. That may not help with your housemates, but it'll give you some more social experience and something to talk to them about.

Knasher

Firstly, just because you didn't make friends in first year, doesn't mean it is too late. I'm a shy person too, and when I was in first year I didn't make any friends either. However some the friends I made in second year, I'm still friends with 7 years after college. It can be hard to break the ice, I know, but just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it is a lost cause. At the very least you know the people in your course probably have something of a similar set of interests as you, and are facing the same problems with courses as you. You will find it easier to build a friendship with these people, than some strangers you just happen to live with, so you are better off spending your effort there. Start attending the class night outs, you are probably not the only one in your course like this, and when you go back there will be some new faces who are repeating second year, so if you see somebody alone, then maybe they would be just as eager to get to know you.

And secondly, I would echo the advice above, and tell you to join college clubs. There is always a really good selection and it is kinda expected that some people will be shy at joining at first, and there will be a shared activity that you can focus on. And it is always possible that you might see somebody from your course at these activities, and then you'd have two things to bond over.

Being friends with your house mates is a much tougher prospect honestly. If it is your first time away from home, it is going to be a very different experience. Living with somebody, you will find tons of bad habits and they will find tones of yours, and living together can become an exercise in patience. Maybe ye will hit it off, but I wouldn't be pinning my hopes on it. Don't get me wrong, it is a very good experience to have, and I absolutely got on okay with some of my flatmates in college, but at the same time I had very little in common with them, so I would have never really thought of them as friends.

Anyway, just my two cents.

Rubberchikken

It's great that you want to tackle this.
You've made friends before, so you can do it again.

Practice small talk between now and then with everyone you meet. The more you do the easier it gets

With your new house mates, start as you mean to go on. Ask questions to find out about them. Be willing to get takeaway/go for coffee/drink etc. don't stress about things too much. Some of them could be worried about how they'll get on with the rest of you.

Best of luck

cazzer22

movinginwithstrangers wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm moving into a house share from my parents house in September for college, with 4 others that I've not met yet. I went back to college last year when I was 21. I didn't make any friends at all on my course. I always feel like people are judging me (I know it's probably irrational) and I tend to stay to myself. When I talk to them, I just feel really awkward and just want to get away from the conversation. I wanted to make friends, but I never initiate conversations. As time went on, they made friends with each other and my course would sit together for lunch and I just ended up on my own. Now I've reserved myself to the fact they probably think I'm awkward or stuck up and I'll be a loner in college for the next three years. I have friends that I've had since school, so I'm not totally friendless.

I decided to move out for next year. I really want to make a good first impression with my house mates as I want to make friends with them, be able to go out every now and then. Not be the shy, awkward girl who hides in their room all the time. Even though that is what I know I'll feel like doing.

I guess I'm just looking for any tips on how not to isolate myself from my house mates, like I did with my college peers? It'll be a long 9 months if I don't get friendly with them. Especially since I have no other friends where my college is.

You poor thing. I know it's daunting. Try to remember that it's important to be yourself and if you're not a generally confident person then that's ok and people understand that. When you move into the house, introduce yourself, maybe have a drink with your housemates and there's nothing wrong with spending time in your room as long as you also make a little bit of an effort. Distract yourself with little activities (make a cup of tea, go on the internet in the sitting room) if it makes you feel uncomfortable initiating conversation, you can always direct the conversation back and ask them how their day was etc.
You don't need to be best friends with the people you live with.
I can remember my first year in college and I got on well with all of my housemates, but I wouldn't have necessarily called any of them a friend. They were nice girls, but we weren't best friends and that it perfectly ok. Enjoy the experience and the new sense of independence you're going to get, it will be good fun :-)
Is there anything you particularly enjoy in terms of joining clubs and societies?
This will be your time to put yourself out there and remember even if you feel awkward (people don't notice this). I've tried mindfulness for calming myself down (in stressful situations) and it helps me to relax and feel calm. I'm sure there are videos you could look up if you were interested. Eason's also stock books on this and I've found it really useful for helping me to have a positive mindset.
Enjoy the experience for what it is, be yourself and everything will be great. Best of luck OP.

The Princess Bride

There are no guarantees that you'll get on with your new flatmates- they might be fantastic or plain boring -it might have nothing to do with how you interact either.

My daughter was so excited about leaving home for college campus, couldn't wait to share.Alas, she was placed with serious contenders for Miss Boring 2014-nothing to do with her effort either.
She moved accommodation after Christmas and all was better.

Get involved in College life, try not to be so self critical.
Try to gel more with those on your course.
Please believe you can do this and be happy - best of luck.

LegacyUser

When I moved out of home I was nervous as hell about sharing a house. It does take while to get into the swing of it - how much stuff to do as housemates, are you gonna be seen as unfriendly if you do your own thing too much etc. I found the shared food / cleaning stuff often caused hassle, so don't take it all on, but defo really make sure that you do your bit. And don't invite your family over! God I remember a few incidents like that with horror!

I know you find new people difficult, as do I (and I'm a lot older than you). But please don't closet yourself in your room - I found it awful sharing with people who did this. It made the house atmosphere very awkward, and turned it into an 'us' and 'her' thing. Only happened me twice. The first time, the girl would go mad if anyone used her plate. The second time, the girl had beers and smoked in her room, and would leave nasty notes if someone took part of her Sunday paper to bed to read. Well I guess the problem with both of them wasn't that they stayed in their rooms; it was that when they did bother to interact with people in the house, it was always in a negative way.

I'm still good friends with people I shared with in my early 20s, many many years later. And I'd still feel uncomfortable in a situation with loads of new people. So making friends in an unfamiliar situation can be done - if I can, you can! I guess it's about trying to find common ground (watching a TV show is good for this - you can watch together without talking, and then you've a ready made topic to talk about after).

Also, I believe you can only reasonably expect to get out what you put in. So you just have to steel yourself up to make an effort with people. If you ignore them (and I totally get that you're not doing that on purpose, but they may see it that way), then it isn't reasonable to expect them to make the effort to include you. It might be easier to start afresh with new housemates than an established group at college. And when you build your confidence a bit, maybe you could invite one of your housemates along to a college night.

Honestly, you can do it. I know it's hard. I still feel a bit sick when I start a new job, but I have made great friends in work too. Not loads of friends - I wouldn't be the centre of the party or anything - but good friends who are long term friends.

Someone said to me once that is very hard to dislike someone who likes you. I mostly agree with that, as long as it's not OTT clingy stuff. But I think showing a bit of happiness/enthusiasm about people goes a long way. You know, if you're interested in them, they'll be interested in you.

Wishing you all the best. You can do it! Just try to be engage in ways that you can, and make sure that you don't exclude yourself by slacking on house stuff or repeatedly saying no to invites or staying in your room.

chickenlicken2

This is way off topic OP but if a lot of colleges and universities have excellent student health units with free counselling for students. If you do feel your shyness is holding you back it might be worth considering popping to the health centre to see if you can avail of this service.

Also there's quite a cute phrase that springs to mind about thinking people are judging you. What anyone else thinks of me is none of my business.

Back on topic. Again practice small talk. Practice questions. You don't need to prepare an inquisition but showing interest is good. Smile.

Also keep in mind that some people repeat years and there's different classes you might take so it's not that you'll go through college knowing nobody.

Finally. Clubs and Societies OP. Go for it. That's the one thing I regret not joining in with in college.

feardeas

Shyness is difficult. I think at times it can be misconstrued as ignorance/arrogance etc.

Moving into house share is daunting. I'd say just be nice. Say hello, how was your day? Sometimes people will want to be friendly other times they may want to keep to themselves.

Don't put all your eggs in the one basket. I was shy in college. Looking back I know that I was quite ill equipped to begin the whole process and it was the monolith that is UCD. So what would I advise my then self to do. Join societies. Go to the opening of an envelope. Think about something like the Vincent Dr Paul group in the college if there is one. The people involved will usually be nice and you are doing good work. Maybe check out the student advice services. They'll know where you could start.

It's never late. I know plenty that made real friends in final year.

Good luck with it all.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the tips everyone, helps a lot!
I signed up for a couple clubs and societies that I was interested in last year, but nothing ever came of them sadly. It's a fairly small college. Maybe now that I'm living near college, I'll be able to get more involved in some things though since I won't be rushing to commute home every evening. Try and get involved in some charity work or something.

Merkin

I really wouldn't go into a house share with the intention of making friends with them. I'm quite sociable and make friends easily but my dear friends (bar people I went to boarding school with - friends for life eventhough we were thrown into living together!) are people I met/meet through shared interests and just 'clicking'. That's not to say I haven't met some amazing people through houseshares, I have, but personally I always kept the two a little seperate.

I think above anything you may need to get over this issue that you say you have whereby everyone is judging you. If this is the case you may come across as paranoid or nervous or withdrawn and none of these things will endear people to you (regardless of how great you are!) Be a good housemate. Chatty but not intrusive. Respectful and cooperative but not overbearing. And then use your time outside of your home and studies to forge new relationships. There is less pressure then. If you are naturally a little introverted or socially awkward then get on with your housemates but let your home be your sanctuary and look outside of that space for your social outlets.