interpersonal skills

aidanki

hi all,

maybe a small bit of an odd question.

I have some time off from work to take and I really woudl like to try and improve my interpersonal skills over my few weeks off

anyone got any recommendations on what to do, any courses or anything like that I could do ?

JuliusCaesar

Any particular kind of interpersonal skills? Communication, social skills, assertiveness, listening.... there are loads.

aidanki

Top of the list would be social skills, followed by communication skills, followed by assertiveness.

Listening, Im a pretty good listener I think when it comes to peoples problems and figuring out what to do. I guess I figure out technicalities for a living so figuring out things is one of my strong points, however regarding people skills I do have a problem, even though Im polite I have no charisma whatsoever.

Im too good at spending time alone and amusing myself with online activities/solitary activities internet/TV etc. a big mistake I didn’t do something about this 10yrs ago, didn’t realize the importance and no one pointed it out to me, my family were more concerned with education and saving money rather than the importance of social skills, hard to believe that, but that’s what happened and I now have to address it and fix it.

Rubberchikken

it's not something that can be 'fixed' in a limited amount of time so don't go at it like that or you'll end up disappointed.
instead, start small. every opportunity you get for the smallest chat, take it. and work from there.

what are your interests? are you in any club/organisation? if not, is there anything locally you could consider joining?
volunteer work is great too. any decent organisation will insist on garda clearance, so as that takes a bit of time, you could start looking into them now and applying soon if interested.

i agree with you. social skills are important, and some people do put education/work above them when really it's a mix of things that's more important.

best of luck

JuliusCaesar

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by social skills - do you mean chit-chat? How to get to know people? How to keep a conversation going? Being anxious when in conversation? Charisma - do you mean you think you're boring to other people?

aidanki

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by social skills - do you mean chit-chat? How to get to know people? How to keep a conversation going? Being anxious when in conversation? Charisma - do you mean you think you're boring to other people?

you put it better than I ever could

I really need and want to improve on all of the above, could do with a hand, maybe if that is go to a therapist then im willing to give it a go, on the other hand if someone has some exercises they can recommend

ill edit this post with more info later

aidanki

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by social skills - do you mean chit-chat? How to get to know people? How to keep a conversation going? Being anxious when in conversation? Charisma - do you mean you think you're boring to other people?

aidanki wrote: »

you put it better than I ever could

I really need and want to improve on all of the above, could do with a hand, maybe if that is go to a therapist then im willing to give it a go, on the other hand if someone has some exercises they can recommend

ill edit this post with more info later

As a direct result of having poor social skills - I constantly find myself the odd one out, the person who is never invited to anything, the person who is always left on their own, I mean I struggle sometimes to do better than answer yes or no in a conversation, it also made work difficult, while I'm v v v good technically, if Im ever to progress from where I am, I need to be able to substantiate flesh on the bones.

I also don’t want to live life alone, somehow I managed to do that for most of my 20ties, so Id love to be able to develop my charisma and influence others to my way of thinking, if its even to be able to gather up a few more to go on holidays with

Its as if my mind goes blank and I have nothing to say so appear disinterested, when in reality Im trying hard to think but nothing is coming through

santana75

Theres no magic bullett or short cut Im afraid OP. Theres no course or program that can teach you these skills, the only way to turn it around(and you can turn it around) is to get out there and get stuck in. And by that I mean, have a think about the things you like to do or would like to do and then set about doing them, with others. If you ever wanted to learn how to dance, take a dance class. Actually take a dance class anyway, it is possibly the best way to learn social skills. And they are a skill set. Its not like, ah sure I was born this way it cant be changed. Thats bull**** and dont believe it for a second. You can change this and you can become what you would like to be. But you have to go after it and work at it. do the things you love and talk to people while you do them. Make a conscious effort to give more than a monosyllabic answer, because all that does is discouage anyone from continuing a conversation with you. If someone asks where youre from, tell them and then say something else. Dont just give the facts, elaborate a bit. Ask people about themselves, show interest. Even if what theyre talking about isnt that interesting to you, be attentive and then maybe stir the conversation back to topics you have an interest in. Keep good eye contact, dont be shifty and look away all the time.
At first you may not be so good at this stuff, but if you stick it out you will get better and better, just keep it up and you'll get there. One more thing, and its probably the most important part of all this: Develop the relationship with yourself. If youre at peace with yourself then youre at peace with the world and interacting with others comes easy. So get out and do stuff that involves other people, just do it. Dont argue, dont rationalise, dont allow fear to control you, just do it. I know a guy who was in your position a few years ago and he literally went out 7 nights a week on his own and made it happen. Be brave and try your absolute best.

JuliusCaesar

Have a look at the socialanxietyireland website.

Aware also run groups for Living Skills, and also online courses. You may find these useful.

xzanti

I honestly think the art of 'small talk' should be taught in school. To be able to rabbit on about the weather is an actual skill imo. It is so important for people's day to day lives. Some people are blessed with the gift of the gab, but for others it's a major struggle unfortunately.

I'm like you OP. I have anxiety and I find it very difficult to keep casual chat going.

One thing that I've found helpful is pre-thinking conversations. Think of possible content that you could use if you bump into x y or z. I know it sounds a bit contrived, but I find it helpful. There's nothing worse than bumping into an acquaintance and being tongue tied. it's awful.

Also, I don't know your own personal circumstances but a lot of people find CBT very helpful for anxiety and general lack of confidence.

gaiscioch

The psychologists here might know what I'm on about. I was talking to some man who attended a course for a number of days, maybe even a week, decades ago. It was where he and a few others were left in a room with some psychologist teaching and

they planted some lunatic in the room and

all sorts of havoc broke out, people left the course in tears...

It was a well-known method, but I don't remember the name.

Anyway this guy, who was near-on 70, was saying it was the best course he had ever done in terms of building interpersonal skills/building team cohesion/negotiating under stress/resilience/knowing his skills/limits etc. (I'd be interested in doing it myself if I knew the method's name)

JuliusCaesar

gaiscioch wrote: »

It was a well-known method, but I don't remember the name.

They were called Encounter Groups, and thank heavens they fell out of use, being generally more damaging than useful. There's a play about one: I do not like thee, Doctor Fell

OP, they are nothing like that anymore.

aidanki

holidays are the week after next or else the week after that

anyone got anything to add to this thread ?

would really love to try and improve this, it mightn't work but at least ill have tried

like I said its as if my mind goes blank and I have no sense of humour

Sound Bite

Would you consider joining toastmasters?

It's a group aimed at improving confidence regarding presentations, social skills, negotiation skills etc.

http://www.limericktoastmasters.com/

mg1982

As another poster said something like this wont be fixed overnight. OP do you find yourself anxious in social situations at work. That can cause your mind to go blank at the wrong times especially when feeling stressed.

aidanki

Sound Bite wrote: »

Would you consider joining toastmasters?

It's a group aimed at improving confidence regarding presentations, social skills, negotiation skills etc.

http://www.limericktoastmasters.com/

I do actually go to toastmasters, I have no problem speech making or presenting. Its the other stuff how I live personal life and trying to make friends be more charismatic that I have serious problems with.

aidanki

Btw if anyone is reading and has a similar problem they want to try and help themselves send pm and see where it goes

detoxkid

I was a bit like u. I've made peace with the fact that I will never be the life and soul of the party and that was half the battle. I'm good one to one so tend to do small talk at that level ..usually focus on asking people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves so this works a treat. I manage allot of people at work and find this approach works well with them too..look at a group as the component parts rather than 35 odd people staring up at you. Never turn down opportunities ...the other thing I've realised is that while there are extroverts and introverts most people are somewhere in the middle and may well be feeling as ackward as u. I have typically made good friends or been in relationships with people who are allot more outgoing than i am and i know from them that they have to work at it too when they sometimes dont feel like it. As the others have said join groups with like minded people...there is no magic bullet so persevere with it..it is important.

KomradeBishop

There is help for anxiety/depression and such out there (which is important to work on if that is a factor in these problems), but there is zero help on the social skills end of things - it's a matter of just making yourself get out there and socialize (I'd suggest Meetup.com for this); this can be hard sometimes, but persist, as it's worth it (and it's also the only way).

There should be help for the social skills end of things, but it appears to just be a gigantic blindspot in the whole mental health profession. Which is odd really, as it seems to be one of the biggest problems out there, next to depression and anxiety (which can both lead to issues with such skills).

The first group of psych's to try and tackle this issue, will probably find they have an endless abundance of business/clients in need of help. That's something I'd like to see, as it's pretty heavily needed.

aidanki

id really like my mind to go faster, and be able to have interesting things to say to keep a conversation going is what im after, thats what i want to improve at, should be easy but for me its v difficult