How to support husband

PearlJ

My husband made contact with his birth mother a number of years ago. It all started amazingly well although I felt she did have a victim mentality. Contact started off very slowly and only with her although she spoke of her big family a lot.

One of his birth sisters eventually made contact and through her, introduced him to the large extended family. He (and we) have always been very warmly welcomed and included by his grandparents and aunts and uncles but never by his mother or siblings.
I suspect his mother was trying to conceal the truth of his adoption. She always said she was forced to give him up by her mother. The truth it turns out is that a child was inconvenient and so he was put up for adoption. She went on to have another child within 2 years, that child was kept, along with the 4 others that closely followed.

It has come to the stage now where the novelty of a new sibling has worn off for them and my husband feels hugely rejected yet again.

The sister who made contact has lost interest, the others never really showed much interest and would just pay lip service to the fact they had a brother but never made any effort to get to know him or accept him.
His mother is hugely self absorbed and I think in her head feels like because she met him, her job is done.
We have children who are generally ignored but the children from his siblings are paraded around the family, making my husband's feelings of isolation worse.

He wants to maintain a relationship with his grandparents and aunts and uncles but wouldn't care not seeing his mother or siblings again which I'm not sure is workable.

He is now talking about contacting his birth father who is abroad although I fear this could lead to more heartache for him. And if his birth mother hears, I know she'll be back in as she has always held a candle for him.

How do I support him in all of this?. I have suggested counselling but he won't consider it.
I just feel so bad for him and so angry that this amazing man is not being appreciated and is being cruelly discarded yet again.

Hermy

Hi Pearl,

I suppose, first and foremost, you support your husband by being there for him and letting him know that he has family that love him even if other family members he has reached out to don't share those feelings.

I don't know what you can do to resolve specific issues with his siblings but I would try not to let anger rule the day. Of course it's hard not to be angry when people react this way to someone who is trying to reach out to them but if they don't want to know this amazing man well that's their hard luck!

Then again it can be hard for some people to embrace a situation like this which your husband seems so eager to grab with both hands. They may not be motivated by cruelty but by their own fears and feelings which is what can often make life more complicated than we'd wish it to be.

Reunion can be a very complicated business but he has grandparents and aunts and uncles who want a relationship with him so I definitely wouldn't say he has been discarded at all!

Time may eventually bring them closer to him but for now just be there for him and as I said already, if others don't apreciate this amazing man that's their luck out.