do we tell her?

sm213

Sorry this is a bit long.
When I was 18 I got into a relationship with a guy who was completely wrong for me. I was being rebellious etc after not being allowed to do as much as my friends had as teens I was determined to do what I felt like.
This guy was bad news had been in young offenders etc and is a consistent reoffender.
Assault, affray and public order charges mainly he is extremely violent.
As well as this I can safely say he is alcohol dependant, admitted his severe paranoia and dabbles in drugs.
This was all very new to me when we met and I was dumb and thought it all to be exciting. I would give myself a kick up the ass if I was to go back I know how stupid I was.
To make matters worse we had a child together. I spent my pregnancy alone as he was in jail. He consistently lied and I never really found out the full extent of what he did but things I heard afterwards make me feel sick to have known him.
He was always a bit controlling and jealous but he gradually became more aggressive. The last straw for me was when he endangered my child. He beat me with my then 10 month old in my arms. I left that night and never looked back. We got a 5 year protection order for myself and my daughter and social services advised no access at all given his history of violence.
A year later I met my now fiancé. We are together over two years and will be married in May next year.
She calls him daddy he is all she knows and he is amazing with her and our daughter who is 4 months.
We have had a few conversations about what to do when she is older every time I get terribly upset as does my partner as he and his family and my family all see it as she is his daughter.
There is no father on the birth cert. We are unsure whether to tell her or not or how to explain it.
It's going to come out at some point I understand that but I dread it every day.
Does anyone have any advice?

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

I don't know when that right age is, but I think at some age the child needs to know - if only from the view of a medical history.

All the best.

padohaodha

Tell the child now...it'll only build problems later on if you don't.the man who rears her is her true father anyway.best of luck.

sm213 wrote: »

Sorry this is a bit long.
When I was 18 I got into a relationship with a guy who was completely wrong for me. I was being rebellious etc after not being allowed to do as much as my friends had as teens I was determined to do what I felt like.<SNIP>

sm213

padohaodha wrote: »

Tell the child now...it'll only build problems later on if you don't.the man who rears her is her true father anyway.best of luck.

I'm not sure if she would understand yet she's only 3.
But I suppose I'll be putting it off forever with that attitude.

Buona Fortuna

sm213 wrote: »

I'm not sure if she would understand yet she's only 3.
.

Probably not. You might ask in Parenting - how people have handled similar situations. Possibly telling her in terms she can understand?

But I suppose I'll be putting it off forever with that attitude

I hear ya - we all do it

bp

Three is too young - she won't understand. When she is older tell her age appropriate things. eg when she understands about the birds and bees explain that although your partner is not her birth father her real dad is the man that raised and loves her.

Explain you were young and foolish (don't go into details of drugs etc until at least mid to late teens) but you don't regret having her in the slightest and you and her real dad love her

I offer this advice as someone who doesn't have children, so take from it what you will. Three is too young an age. They likely won't know what it means and will have forgotten. Nobody can tell you what age is right, because you're always going to know what is right for your own child. But you should tell them at some point in her life.

piperh

I was in a very similar situation. What I did when my child was about 3/4 was start talking about how some people have 2 daddies or mommies but its who looks after the person thats more important. I did this in a non threatening situation when we were walking to the shops, what this did was make it seem less an issue. As we were talking I said they have another daddy who we don't see but that was ok because the daddy that lived with us was the one who looked after us. I also said it was never a secret and when they got older if they wanted to talk about it or find the biological dad we would.

My child never mentioned it again until they were around 13/14 and they said it was no issue as so many of their friends had step parents but they thought of my partner as their dad and he'd been the one sitting up all night over the years when they'd been ill. It was never a secret or an issue because it was dealt with when they were young.

Good luck

Sunny Dayz

I probably don't have much advise for you. I have a 10 year old who's father has never been involved or in contact. When I found out I was pregnant he said he wanted nothing to do with it and that he had moved on with someone else, leaving me heart-broken and very depressed during my pregnancy. I left the father section on the birth cert blank. I knew my now husband through friends for a few years before we got together and we started seeing each other as a couple in my son's first year. My son thinks of him as his father, calls him by his first name though but refer to him as his father. He has never asked any questions, he has never seen his birth cert, I don't think. He is happy as he is.
It is a bridge we will have to cross at some stage I know. The older he gets, the scarier it does get as we worry will he be mad at us, but what good would it do telling him, I do worry if he will feel that his whole life has been a lie, which it hasn't - he is being raised by parents who love him.

sm213

Everyone here is being very helpful thanks so much.
Has anyone been through this looked into adoption?
I was contemplating it but I'd have to sign away guardianship and adopt her also.
Saw with new laws coming into effect that a non-bio parent can get guardianship if child has lived with them for two years or more. Maybe joint guardianship would be more ideal.
I like the idea of normalising it for the child so when it is realised its no big deal.
She knows who loves her and provides for her.
I just don't want to leave it too late.

Call me Al

I was going to suggest exactly what piperh says above, and I'd also be starting the very very basics of that conversation, ie that some boys and girls have two daddies just like her, when she's three.
It doesn't need to be a heavy duty sit-down talk. I'd probably think of people she knew who had separated parents and talk about it in the context of all of these families, and take it from there.

Just see how she processes the idea of similarities before you say each sentence and take it very slowly thinking each sentence through before it comes out. You can also reassure her that her dad loves her just as much as her little sister, and tell her how lucky he is to have her and her sister as his daughters.

Sunny Dayz

We have looked into adoption but we would have to adopt him as a couple, it would mean that I would be listed as his adopted mum which I found tough to hear. It also means we have to contact his bio father to get his permission which he can decline. It also seems to be a very stressful and lengthy process and we have been though enough with a stressful house purchase and a recent diagnose of a long term illness so it's on the back burner for the moment.


I read this blog when we were looking into it - it's a first hand account of a couple adopting their son. https://adoptingmyownson.wordpress.com/

afkasurfjunkie

Id echo what other posters have said and mention it in an informal way while she is young. My parents told me I was adopted before I could even grasp the full meaning of it so as I grew up I considered it normal and there were never any issues.
I would worry that if you don't say anything, that someone will say something when she is older and she will take it badly.

nikkibikki

There's a similar situation in my family. I don't exactly agree with what is currently going on, heads are firmly in the sand about it but maybe there are reasons for being that way that I don't know about or understand. This is what was said to the child when they were younger.

When you were born, Mammy didn't know Daddy. He met us when you were x age and he loved you so much he wanted to be your Daddy.

You could add to that by saying that some people have 2 Daddys. One that Mammy knew before baby was born and another Daddy who looks after them and loves them very much. The first Daddy loves them too but he isn't able to be a Daddy.

Rubberchikken

some of the advice in the above posts is good. starting now with very simple things is a lot better than bringing it up out of nowhere in a couple of years times.
there may be books in the shop/library that would be suitable to read to her as well.

good luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

My birth father did a runner when my mam was pregnant. When I was still a toddler she met my 'stepdad' who I just call Dad.

I knew none of this until I was in my late 20s and found my birth cert which stated 'adopted.' Like you are thinking of, my step dad adopted me. To say I was shocked is an understatement.

Although I understand my mother's reasons for lying (like your ex he was no good), I can't tell you how hurt and angry I felt. I looked back on my entire life with my family, feeling like a big family secret and feel betrayed that everyone was in on it. Everytime someone laughed and said "oh your just like your dad" or my mother said "you get that from your Dad's side." It was 20-something years of complete lies, which the whole family were in on. Furthermore, I was put in danger a few years ago by not having a clue about a medical issue that ran on my birth father's side.

The result of all this is that I have serious trust issues and am in counselling to deal with them. I can't even handle someone telling me white lies. I don't trust my mother or dad at all and the lie has had a serious impact on my relationships. I felt like my whole life was a lie.

ALL of this could have been avoided, if I had been told as a child that babies are made by a man and a woman, but that the man who helped make me wasn't around anymore so I had a new daddy to take his place. When she starts asking questions about the birds and the bees, that is the perfect opportunity to tell her, and you've probably got a good 3 or 4 years left until this happens.

Trust me, she will be fine.

Families come in all shapes, sizes, biological relationships and genders. Don't let outdated social conventions psychologically impact your child by keeping it a secret.

Hollister11

I'm 19 now, and tbh if i was in that situation, I wouldn't like to know. Just keep things the way they are if she is happy.