High Functioning alcoholic mother

Weetbix

I have seen my mother drink from a young age, I don't remember her getting drunk but I have seen her drink like a whole bottle. She keeps it a secret from my dad but eventually he found out because of the empty bottle he would find around the house in her secret hiding places.

I knew my mother before she became like she is now, I knew her as a hard working women, funny but angry, she was always angry and always looking for an excuses to get attention but she was still my mother and I could hold conversations with her. The problems got worst when my dad cheated, resulting in child which my mother adopted, she drinks so much now, so much that she is not my mother anymore. She still wakes up early enough to get my 5 sibling up for school, she picks them up, she works as normal but she's not there.

I've been at university for three years, I am back now and she is so different. I would try to speak to her over the phone while at uni but just remember hearing the rambling of a drunk woman. She would ask me the same question over and over, forget about what we were speaking about and get so angry and negative that I just stopped trying to speak to her.

She not a woman you can sit down with and speak to in order to get her help, social services are already involved with her case and I really want my mother back. How do I GET HER help?, please someone help me. I'm so scared

leggo

That must be so difficult OP, especially when you're trying to work on building your own life and need support there for that.

What's your Dad's level of knowledge in this and what is he doing about it, if he does know more than finding the odd bottle (which he must even if he's remaining wilfully ignorant)? To me, there's a direct duty of care there with him being the primary person who should be responsible for dealing with it. Obviously if that's not an option then it falls to the children or other relatives - which it shouldn't IMO - but practical realities can make this necessary.

Obviously your mother has her demons that cause her to be this way. If this has been going on as long as you remember then those issues are likely deep-seeded and will require a lot of professional help to begin to cope with. Some of the other stuff you describe (e.g. looking for attention) may also suggest some possible mental health disorders that may be going undiagnosed and be very treatable (though be warned if that's the case: Ireland is a bit behind in dealing with mental health issues and it's something you need to stay on top of with your own research etc).

First she needs to realise that there is a problem and she needs to address that, she'll respond better to seeing and hearing the affect it has on her loved ones rather than being told it directly in a confrontational-seeming manner, which will likely lead to her putting up a wall. This is the nature of addiction - you blame everything but the thing that you're addicted to. The next step is stopping the behaviour ASAP (so rehab etc if necessary), then working on the issues long-term to ensure that a relapse doesn't occur, which can often require a complete overhaul of someone's day-to-day lives as it's often those day-to-day pressures that lead to the behaviour occurring, or at least enable it to do so.

I'd try talking to your Dad first, seeing his level of knowledge of the problem and gauging his willingness to get his hands dirty in dealing with it. Like I said, it's his responsibility first and foremost to tackle it, with support from the rest of the family where necessary. I'd imagine that's something you can expand on and there may be problems inherent in that route already if you're posting here, so if you'd like to expand to open the floor to dealing with those issues, feel free to do so. From there it's a case of trial-and-error really in figuring out a gameplan that works. If he takes on the job of being in the front line, make sure you look out for him and give him the support he needs there. If you can all tackle it together as a family it could bring you all closer together when you're all on the other side.

In the meantime, as for yourself because your own feelings and mental health are important here too, I find researching and understanding illnesses of loved ones and planning ways you can support them and coming up with gameplans to help them can really turn around the feeling of helplessness at it all. Also don't rule any ideas out with misguided preconceptions about, say, therapy, rehab, treatment, mental health problems etc. And look to research and educate family members who may have these preconceptions if they come up. These preconceptions can be such a hindrance to getting someone the treatment they need when they need it. Keep the end goal in sight: you and everyone arounds you wants your mother to be healthy and back to herself. Any and all effective methods of doing so should be on the table in achieving that (e.g. my grandad is sick right now. A relative said she went to a faith healer one day and got them to pray for him, or whatever it is faith healers do, which I think is all poppycock. But he's saying that ever since they did he hasn't been in pain. I still don't believe in faith healers, but I care about him not being in pain, so if that's worked or at least his belief in it has helped him, it doesn't matter what I believe in).

Don't overlook the small positives either: she's obviously still a loving person if she's still caring capably for your siblings every day. She's not completely gone as it stands and you can get her back and better than ever. Also try to look at the problem as an illness more than anything, because it is. She's not a bad person, this isn't because she doesn't love you any less than ever, she's a sick person who needs help. That's what it comes down to ultimately.

Let us know if there's any more info with the above in mind that you feel would help to share.

Weetbix

We live in England now, my mom and dad split up, he understands how bad it was and how bad it is now. He is kinda the root, known her since she was 12. In the way of support my mother doesn't want him there, to be honest it's understandable. My father is great as a father to me but as a man that supposably loves this woman, he has rather horrible ways of showing it. He use to try and help in a rather unorthodox fashion, like insults and what i would call harassment. He claimed that he tried to help secretly but it didn't work and felt embarrassing her was the way to get her to stop.

In regards to other relative, there is no one to help, my mother's family are not around and my father's family are just cruel. It's just younger sblings and I, they are alot younger and I feel slightly resent my mom for the state they sometimes find her in. They are very mature kids even the social worker was kinda freaked out at how together they were for 13 year olds and younger, they know how to compose themselves in the most emotionless way, this is how my mother feeds her habits but also shows that she brought us up correctly because we are fend for ourselves.

My father came to take my sibling back to Ireland for their holiday and I think this is the best time to get her help by force, because I spoke to her this morning she said she would stop but she needs time, how much time is needed? I'm afraid when her kids leave it will get worst (No more distraction). I don't want to see my mother wondering the streets at 60.

Rubberchikken

hi op
i'm so sorry to read your post. being away at uni has probably opened your eyes to your mother's issues but you're still young and not capable of dealing with this yourself. i hope you have all the support you need.

maybe your mother will be willing to tackle this with her younger kids away. it's good that she seems aware that she has a problem. that's the first step. i only hope something good happens.
take care

leggo

Weetbix wrote: »

We live in England now, my mom and dad split up, he understands how bad it was and how bad it is now. He is kinda the root, known her since she was 12. In the way of support my mother doesn't want him there, to be honest it's understandable. My father is great as a father to me but as a man that supposably loves this woman, he has rather horrible ways of showing it. He use to try and help in a rather unorthodox fashion, like insults and what i would call harassment. He claimed that he tried to help secretly but it didn't work and felt embarrassing her was the way to get her to stop.

In regards to other relative, there is no one to help, my mother's family are not around and my father's family are just cruel. It's just younger sblings and I, they are alot younger and I feel slightly resent my mom for the state they sometimes find her in. They are very mature kids even the social worker was kinda freaked out at how together they were for 13 year olds and younger, they know how to compose themselves in the most emotionless way, this is how my mother feeds her habits but also shows that she brought us up correctly because we are fend for ourselves.

My father came to take my sibling back to Ireland for their holiday and I think this is the best time to get her help by force, because I spoke to her this morning she said she would stop but she needs time, how much time is needed? I'm afraid when her kids leave it will get worst (No more distraction). I don't want to see my mother wondering the streets at 60.

As the above poster said, it's a massive plus that she's at least admitting a problem exists. It's human nature to look to fix a problem once identified, so your window might be open now in the short-term to do something about it. The problem is that denial and relapsing kicks in with the absence of a workable solution that gives the addict what they get from the thing they're addicted to. Looking down the lines of rehab and then into how she can change her day-to-day life so she's not dependent on drink (e.g. reconnecting with old friends, developing new hobbies and interests etc) is a way to start. I'm not familiar with the specifics of the UK's rehabilitation and social services systems so apologies but not much help there.

That's sad with your father but also good that he also acknowledges a problem exists and seems willing to help in some form. Obviously it makes it more awkward for you that she doesn't want him around, but maybe he can support in other ways like taking the kids more regularly while she gets the help she needs etc. I don't know your life inside out so can't really give specific advice there, but in selling your mother on the idea of treatment maybe it could be a chance to increase her tolerance for your father because she needs him for the kids if she's going to get help, at least enough to allow him to help where possible and needed, if not dealing with each other on a day-by-day basis.

It looks like you're stuck as the primary carer for her in this battle OP, that's horrible and unfair on you because you've your own life to live and future to think about. So don't be afraid to look for support, one thing I've learned is even when it seems like you're on your own, when you seek help you'll ALWAYS be surprised by the people around you who are willing to step up once you say it (as well as being disappointed by some who don't, but don't dwell on that if it happens). Even if not in the form of direct family, rehabilitation services for example often offer a sponsorship system where your mother can connect with other addicts who've been through what she has and can offer huge support themselves. Stuff like that is your friend, so don't be afraid to seek help or advice from any and everybody. And don't forget to live your own life and have good and happy times in the middle, while also getting help and support for yourself where needed from your own circle. You have to stay healthy and well-balanced to be able to help others, after all.

maradonnaie

I know the post is about trying to get help for your mum but would you yourself try Al Anon? The extra support and advice of those who are in similar situations might be of some help in knowing what steps to take in helping your mum

Wabbit Ears

The OP was so close to my experience with my alcoholic mother it's scary.

she's an alcoholic.

I'll say it again


She is an alcoholic.

Only she can help herself. You can't.

You just cant, it doesn't work like that.

I limit my own and my children's exposure to her as much as possible.

Alcoholics are toxic people to be near or around.

BTW, you father was and always has been aware if her alcoholism. Parents don't share this info with their kids.