I'm 39 and confused about my sexuality. Are there any answers for me?

LegacyUser

I'm really confused and hope that someone might possibly have an answer for me because my brain is going in circles.

I'm 39, female and was married once (now single) but I'm confused lately about my sexuality. I don't know what I am and I feel so lost and confused and uncertain.

See, I find men attractive, and I find women attractive but I also find some women who dress like men attractive, and I find men who wear makeup very attractive. I'm also really attracted to androgynous people.

But I like looking at attractive people the way I like looking at a painting. I want to look at a person, not have sex with them. I don't find genitals, of either gender, at all attractive. Kind of repulsive actually.

I really don't like sex and never have enjoyed it. I've had numerous partners in the past but sex was just meh for me. There is some history here that affects how I view sex but in all my years of being sexually active I never liked it. Even after counselling for my issues (which I went for before these new questions have come up) I never felt sex was fulfilling or worth all the effort and fuss.

I've been celibate for 7 years now and have no problems with not having sex. I do miss cuddling and touching though. Which surprises me because I usually don't like being touched, either. And I really, really, really miss kissing

But saying that, for me the idea of me having sex with anyone, man or woman, is repulsive. It grosses me out to be honest. If I can be that blunt.

What's confusing me is that I can and do satisfy myself pretty easily and I do this on a regular basis. That much I do enjoy. I don't watch porn though. After about 5 minutes it starts to repluse me. If I fantasize about someone (man or woman) it's pretty G-rated but it's enough for me to go on. I never really move past the kissing part.

But lately, I've been so confused about who I'm attracted to and wondering what I am and what to do about it.

For example, there's this girl who dressed up as a boy for a cos-play recently. I'm not attracted to her when she's a girl, but when she dressed as a boy I couldn't stop thinking about her. As a boy, she's gorgeous! But part of the attraction was knowing she was a girl. If I didn't know she was a girl and thought she was a boy, I wouldn't have been attracted to her. It's very confusing!

And there's a guy I know who wears makeup sometimes and when he's not wearing it I'm not attracted to him but when he puts it I just find him so attractive. He wears his hair long sometimes and I always prefer it that way as opposed to short. When he's got long hair and looks feminine I think he's beautiful. When he has short hair and no makeup, he does nothing for me.

But even when I think they're gorgeous, I wouldn't want to have sex with either of them.

Is there something wrong with me? What's my sexuality? Am I even sexual given that I don't like sex? But why do I enjoy it on my own then? And why do I want to kiss someone but not have sex with them?

And what is with this attraction to women looking masculine and men looking feminine? Not that I have a problem with that, I just wish I knew what it was and where it was coming from and what it makes me.

This is driving me nuts and I'm really confused and getting depressed because my head is spinning with all this because I do hope one day I'll find a new partner but who and how and when and where? How can I even look for someone if I don't know what it is I'm looking for? And how can I dare dream about a relationship when I don't even like sex?

So what am I? Who am I?

I don't know if there are answers but I had to get this off my chest. I feel like crying tonight I'm so confused and lonely and sad and angry and frustrated.

Medusa22

Hi OP, I'm very sorry that you are so confused and upset right now, and I can understand that not knowing what sexuality you are can be very frustrating.

Have you considered that you might be a-sexual? People who are a-sexual often find the idea of having sex with either sex to be repulsive or unappealing. However, many people who are a-sexual like kissing or cuddling or holding hands, the affectionate parts of relationships. Here is a link to a website for a-sexuals - http://www.asexuality.org/home/

I've never looked at the website myself though, but you didn't mention the possibility in your OP so I thought I would suggest it.

As for masturbating, I guess we all have needs and just because you enjoy doing that doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have sex with another person, and the fact that you don't fantasise beyond kissing would support the idea that you might be a-sexual.

I'm bi-sexual myself and I do sometimes find myself attracted to androgynous men or women, or just people who seem to be attractive regardless of their gender. I can understand why that confuses you too, but unfortunately I don't have any answers, maybe that's just one of your preferences?

LegacyUser

Medusa22 wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm very sorry that you are so confused and upset right now, and I can understand that not knowing what sexuality you are can be very frustrating.

Have you considered that you might be a-sexual? People who are a-sexual often find the idea of having sex with either sex to be repulsive or unappealing. However, many people who are a-sexual like kissing or cuddling or holding hands, the affectionate parts of relationships. Here is a link to a website for a-sexuals - http://www.asexuality.org/home/

I've never looked at the website myself though, but you didn't mention the possibility in your OP so I thought I would suggest it.

As for masturbating, I guess we all have needs and just because you enjoy doing that doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have sex with another person, and the fact that you don't fantasise beyond kissing would support the idea that you might be a-sexual.

I'm bi-sexual myself and I do sometimes find myself attracted to androgynous men or women, or just people who seem to be attractive regardless of their gender. I can understand why that confuses you too, but unfortunately I don't have any answers, maybe that's just one of your preferences?

Thanks for your reply, Medusa. I didn't mention asexualilty because I didn't think it was me.

I thought that being asexual meant I wouldn't enjoy any part of sex, with people or myself. That part confuses me. I still feel arousal and take care of things myself and I do enjoy that. I don't (or didn't) equate that with asexuality. I see from the website link that this isn't the case. Some of what the website was saying does sound like me. But that makes me sad.

I'm sad because I think it would be unfair of me to start a relationship and expect the other person to not have sex. Especially because in my experience kissing usually turns people on and if all I want is kissing/cuddling that's not fair to someone who wants more than that.

But I also know that if I were to have a partner who wanted sex, I wouldn't be happy if they went and got it elsewhere because I don't satisfy them. Which feels so hypocritical and selfish!

Anyway, I have never met anyone who doesn't want or like sex. It's everywhere. I have friends who know I'm celibate (but assume I'm straight) and I'm constantly hearing them tell me I need a 'ride' and should just go and shag a guy and I just laugh and make a joke but inside I'm dying. If only it were that easy! But this is such a sexual world, it's in my face all. the. time. so I find it hard to believe I could find someone who would be happy to be with me and not want to have sex.

I wish I did want/like sex. It would make things so much easier. I would like to think that if I did find that very special someone I might actually like sex with them, but I can't see that happening. I mean the sex part, although sometimes I despair of finding that special someone but I still have hope. Fading hope, but still...hope.

And being attracted to both men and women and women who look like men and men who look like women and androgynous people also, that feels so overwhelming. Who do I choose? HOW do I choose?!

Overwhelmed. Yes, that's how I'm feeling. If I'm bi...what? bi-asexual? bi-romatic? bi-??? (ugh, so many terms and definitions), if I'm bi-whatever but asexual where do I go from here?

Medusa22

I understand that you wouldn't want asexuality to apply to you, of course you'd like to meet that special someone who would suddenly turn you on and you have a desire to have sex with them. I can't 100% tell you that you are asexual or not, or that you won't meet someone who changes your mind, but for me, from what you are saying, it sounds like it could be a strong possibility. I am very sorry that this is distressing you so much and I empathise, it is difficult to even have a conversation without sex cropping up or being bombarded with sexual images and innuendo in the media, advertising etc.

I don't think that just because you enjoy pleasuring yourself rules out the possibility of asexuality, I haven't looked into it myself but that may be something that you enjoy the feeling of, on your own, and you don't necessarily need anyone else to fulfill that for you.

You don't have to make any decisions about anything right now, this is just something you can consider.

You don't have to feel like a hypocrite if you met someone and you didn't want them to sleep with someone else but you also didn't want to sleep with them, of course it wouldn't be an easy situation but you'd want your partner to be loyal to you, which is perfectly understandable.

There are other asexual people out there, in my circle of friends I have four possibly asexual friends. You could consider possibly joining a forum, maybe there is a website for Irish asexuals? If you met someone who was asexual too then the sexual side of the relationship wouldn't be an issue.

As for being attracted to men and women, well just think that you are doubling your options of finding another asexual person who you could have a bond and a relationship with.

I know that it seems hopeless right now, but you have options and if you are asexual it doesn't mean that you cannot have a loving relationship with someone. I can't lie to you and tell you it is going to be easy, I don't know how many asexual people there are in Ireland.

I'm sorry that I don't have any personal experience, but if you ever want to talk, you can always PM me.

Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9

OP, it does sound you fall somewhere in the a-sexual spectrum and, yes I know, there are so many labels these days - it becomes a bit ridiculous - but you are probably a grey-sexual (no I don't mean, you want hot steamy relations with an extra-terrestrial - although, maybe you do... do you? Nevermind... Sorry...) You mentioned you are extremely attracted to andro' people, at least aesthetically; have you considered the possibility of such an attraction is based on the foundation that you somehow you find them less threatening sexually - seeing as they do not fit the binary gender roles?

Now, let me throw another purely hypothetical at you: do you ever wonder about your own gender? Please, I only ask because you seem so fixated on people who, for lack of a better term, "gender swap". It's just this type of "hero worshiping" of andro' people sounds eerily similar to how many uncertain gender variant people idolise individuals they would like to look like before they discover the underlying issue i.e: self realisation they are in fact trans or some other variant; in a lot of cases, this type of idolisation is confused with sexual attraction. Okay, just a thought from somebody with a whole different perspective - I am no psych' major or anything - but I am very much a Grey-Sexual!!

Damn, they won't let me post a URL!! -Okay, just try imagining Bowie singing "Loving the Alien"

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Somebody pass the M&Ms!!

LegacyUser

My head is all over the place with this.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. It's given me so much to think about, which isn't a good thing unfortunately. I'm the kind of person who stays awake all night just thinking.

My attraction to people who gender swap (is that the right term? I'm new to all these terms!) and androgynous people is largely because the ambiguity of their gender is fascinating to me. Not in a 'oooh you're so mysterious' way though. It's really hard to explain this attraction. I suppose part of it is envy of their confidence to live outside the traditional 'norms'. I need to think about whether or not I'm attracted to these people because they are sexually less threatening. I think everyone is sexually threatening in one way or another. Even if it's people just pressuring me to go out and have sex like it's the answer to all my problems.

But regarding my own gender. I'm a woman, and I like being a woman even though I'm not a total girly-girl. I'm a jeans and t-shirts girl although I do admire a well-dressed woman. I wear minimal makeup but I love to style my hair in a very feminine way. I also quite like my boobs. I admit I have had the occasional very rare fantasy of having a penis, I remember one fantasy I had (years and years ago, like 8 years ago) was that I was me with my hair and my boobs and all that but I had a penis and I was shagging a girl. But that's not a regular fantasy or desire of mine. So I think I'm pretty safe in saying I'm a woman and not trans. Although perhaps I wish sometimes I could be androgynous. It feels more...anonymous somehow. Safe. I don't know. I'm not sure what I think.

If I am asexual, which I'm starting think might be the case (and this still saddens me), then I feel like...something's missing, or more like something's wrong with me. What's wrong with me that I don't like sex? Everyone does it, everyone has it, everyone talks about it (well, everyone in my experience anyway)....sex is normal right? So not liking/wanting it...I feel...broken. I feel...not normal. And not in a 'I need to fit in with society' kind of way but in a more primal kind of way. It's a basic, human need right? Imagine never feeling thirsty, or never feeling hungry.

And I'm wondering. If I am asexual...is it because my sexual history has been so disappointing and I've just given up or have I always been asexual and that's why my sex life was so meh?

As if life wasn't complicated enough when, once I got over the breakup of my marriage, I thought I ready for another relationship. Mesuda, I know you say there's hope...I will try to hope but it seems so impossible. How on earth do people find each other even without these complications?!

Pumpkin, I had to google grey-sexual (see what I mean? I'm so new to all this!) I'm not sure that fits me but the thing with that is, I won't know until I know...if that makes sense?

Does any of this make sense?! I'm not so sure it does. Like I said, my head is spinning and I'm thinking in circles.

irish_dave_83

OP, I agree with Medusa. Give the dating a try, there must be an asexual dating site.

Go on a few dates, see how it goes and then take it from there.

Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9

whatsmysexuality wrote: »

What's wrong with me that I don't like sex? Everyone does it, everyone has it, everyone talks about it...

Ehmmm... not me! ****, don't tell me there is something wrong with me too!

whatsmysexuality wrote: »

My attraction to people who gender swap (is that the right term?

No, no, no, "Gender Swapping" is not an official term - just what came to mind at the time. Although, I identify with certain labels, I only concern myself with them when someone means to cause offense by intentionally mislabeling (if that makes sense); when somebody is making things unintentionally ambiguous, and therefore, very ****ing hard to understand... and well, when it is time for my medication...

whatsmysexuality wrote: »

But regarding my own gender. I'm a woman, and I like being a woman even though I'm not a total girly-girl. I'm a jeans and t-shirts girl although I do admire a well-dressed woman. I wear minimal makeup but I love to style my hair in a very feminine way. I also quite like my boobs. I admit I have had the occasional very rare fantasy of having a penis, I remember one fantasy I had (years and years ago, like 8 years ago) was that I was me with my hair and my boobs and all that but I had a penis and I was shagging a girl. But that's not a regular fantasy or desire of mine.

Yeah, the penis thing - you'd be surprised by the amount of sexually confused woman who have tried that spiel on me - like I can relate to wanting a penis or something. Please!

I am glad you like your boobs though.

whatsmysexuality wrote: »

Pumpkin, I had to google grey-sexual (see what I mean? I'm so new to all this!)

Really... what did you find?

And remember that bit about labels up there - *points up* - Yeah... that's Ms. Pumpkin to you!

Sorry, none of that probably helps you...

O, well...

No.9

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Medusa22

Hi OP, I'm just wondering how you have been getting on? You don't have to reply of course, I'm just wondering how you are feeling after digesting everything that has been said.

I don't see any indications that you are trans btw, so I don't think you need to worry about that. As for being attracted to androgynous people, perhaps there is something in that they threaten you less, or that they don't conform.

I understand where you are coming from in thinking that you are missing a primal urge, but believe me, there are plenty of people who are in relationships who don't have the slightest interest in having sex with their partner, and many more with very low libidos. You are definitely not alone, but like you said, the world is obsessed with sex so people don't want to admit these things. My friend who suspects that she could be asexual doesn't want to tell anyone because she doesn't think that they would understand, so there are probably more people like you than you think.

I know that you are unsure if you've just had unfulfilling sexual experiences so far, but to be honest with you, I doubt that every sexual encounter you've had has just happened to be a bad one.

I definitely think that you could find a partner who would accept you as you are, I'm not saying that there won't be challenges, but I am saying that it is not impossible, that you don't need to feel hopeless. I think that joining a forum for other asexuals could be a way for you to explore your own sexuality and meet other like minded people.

For example, in theory I have plenty of baggage that would put someone off being in a relationship with me, but in reality, I've never had a problem finding a partner.

wakka12

hi ! I'm somewhat the same. The idea of sex appeals to me much more than the reality ! I'm only attracted to males and at first I thought I was simply sleeping with guys who were bad in bed but after a while you start to realise that not ALL of these guys could be that untalented in the sack. and I wasn't the problem because all of these guys I hooked up with asked to meet again. sadly I realised I just wasn't a sexual person , I don't enjoy sex at all . not worth the fuss or the huge amount of effort it takes for me. though I do love kissing cuddling and just being intimate with a person Im attracted to and Whos personality Im fond of. it made me question my sexuality and now I think I might be homoromantic. Maybe you might be biromantic ?

Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9

wakka12 wrote: »

I think I might be homoromantic. Maybe you might be biromantic ?

Why does the word "biromantic" (is it a word?) remind a Pumpkin of her schooldays?

Boing!!

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"Yep... Still An Awesome ****ing Pumpkin!!"

wakka12

it is a word yes it means you form romantic connections with people of both genders but are not sexually attracted to them despite this. I might be a bit wrong (these sexuality terms are all so technical and Everyone is individual) but that's what I got from most definitions Ive heard .

Annasopra

I think word etymology discussions are straying way off topic

Off topic posts now being deleted

Orange Buttercat

Hi, I'm the OP here, decided to sign up. Still feeling down about all this. So I spoke to a good friend of mine recently, finally opened up about what I've been feeling. She knows me really well and she's not sure that I am asexual.

She thinks that I'm in 'protective mode' because of a lot of crappy relationships and things that have happened to me in the past. I think she has a point, to some extent, but I still can't see myself ever having sex again, or ever wanting to. My encounters weren't all 'bad' some were ok but I never...um...never 'finished' as they say. Sometimes I found myself just bored and wishing the guy would just get it over with already! Mostly, in the years I was sexually active, I was just doing it for validation. I never really fully enjoyed it.

Anyway, I think maybe it will help to go see someone, talk it through in an objective way. It would be nice to get this off my chest and figure it out once and for all.

Well. I say that but it's never as clear cut as that, is it? :P

Orange Buttercat

wakka12 wrote: »

hi ! I'm somewhat the same. The idea of sex appeals to me much more than the reality ! I'm only attracted to males and at first I thought I was simply sleeping with guys who were bad in bed but after a while you start to realise that not ALL of these guys could be that untalented in the sack. and I wasn't the problem because all of these guys I hooked up with asked to meet again. sadly I realised I just wasn't a sexual person , I don't enjoy sex at all . not worth the fuss or the huge amount of effort it takes for me. though I do love kissing cuddling and just being intimate with a person Im attracted to and Whos personality Im fond of. it made me question my sexuality and now I think I might be homoromantic. Maybe you might be biromantic ?

Hi, OP here. I've seen the term and maybe, yeah it does apply. Maybe not quite 'bi' as I find I'm attracted to people, not gender. Not sure what that's called.

Makes it hard though, how on earth do you approach someone and say oh by the way I'm interested in you but not for sex, let's just cuddle...like, forever.

How have you approached people you are interested in? Or do you?

baby and crumble

Orange Buttercat wrote: »

Hi, OP here. I've seen the term and maybe, yeah it does apply. Maybe not quite 'bi' as I find I'm attracted to people, not gender. Not sure what that's called.

If you're looking for a term, op, pansexual is probably closest to that, being attracted to people, not genders.

As for the approaching people thing I can't help. I'm a sexual person and yeah, even I liked someone the thoughts of having a non-sexual relationship forever would be a deal-breaker. I'd imagine however you need to look at dating someone in a similar boat, or who identifies and asexual or grey-sexual.

Friends of mine have a group called Asexual Ireland. They march in Pride and have a Facebook group and meetups. Might be worth joining them?