Friend accusing me of being avoidant and being passive-aggressive towards me.

LegacyUser

I'm 17 (M). A friend of mine (also 17), let's call him X, has become passive aggressive towards me and has accused me of being avoidant.

I always got on with him, we've been friends for the past 3 years and have several mutual friends and acquaintances between us.

In the past few months however, he changed (from my perspective). Several other lads I pal around with also noticed it. He became smug and self-important, which was a bit out of character for him. He got a girlfriend, and then he got a part-time job.

We were happy for him at first, as anybody should be. But then he started to subtly shove it in our faces. Several other lads and I started receiving snapchats from him. Pictures of his paycheck for a few hundred euro, pictures of him "out with the gf" eating lunch and going to the cinema and whatnot, pictures of the iPhone 6 and the other luxuries he was purchasing with the money he was getting from his job.

This was a bit irritating because he was sending these snapchats and messages to lads, including myself, who had no job, had no girlfriend, and didn't really come from well-to-do families (hence we still have blockias). He is fully aware of our circumstances, us being good friends of his.

It might sound like sour grapes, and for a while, that was the case. But it persisted, and still persists. Really "in-your-face" type of deal. He organised a night out to the Chinese to celebrate the end of the school year and such, but what I thought would be a "lads night out" ended up being X spending the night with his girlfriend while the lads and I awkwardly third-wheeled. There were a handful of events and nights out like this.

So I personally made a point of avoiding him over the summer. I made up excuses when he asked if I wanted to come along to something, knowing that I would be ignored for the day while he played Romeo to his Juliet.

He messaged me today asking if I wanted to go to the chinese this evening, I politely declined, saying I had to help my mother with some housework (which I did). He immediately retorted "Fine, be like that".

He previously messaged me a week ago saying that he thinks I have depression and need to see a therapist. Saying that it's my "negative attitude" that drives people away from me, and that's why I don't have a girlfriend and can't be arsed to get a job (still in school). Fine, I get down and out now and again, everybody does, but it doesn't qualify as "depression" or a "negative attitude" in my eyes. I'm a very positive, optimistic, outgoing individual...I love the craic :pacman:

So PI...what do I do with this guy? He's pretty much favouring his lady completely over his own friends and accusing us of being depressed when we don't want to meet up (third-wheel). Do I try to talk to him and make him see the light or just wait until his current relationship and job falls asunder and let him make his own way back to his friends, or perhaps explicitly severe all ties with him?

His BS is really getting me down especially when he blames me for our friendship not being what it was before.

TL;DR
17 (M), male friend of mine got a girlfriend and a good part-time job in the past year, the rest of the lads and I weren't as fortunate (no job, no relationship or even flings at all at all). Friend is rubbing it in our faces through snapchat, facebook, in real life conversation, you name it. Starting to irritate me. Not a case of sour grapes just a case of somebody rubbing all his fortune and good times into the faces of his not-so-fortunate friends. Have ended up third-wheeling on several occasions. He's calling us depressed and negative even though we aren't...we just don't happen to have girlfriends or jobs. Wat do? Try to make him see the light, wait for his relationship to fall asunder and for him to come back to his friends, or severe ties with him completely?

Any and all advice welcome

coolcat63

Yes, he is smug and well-congratulatory and yes, he will hit the buffers at some point. How you handle him now is dependent on how fond of him you are and his underlying personality. If he's a 'keeper' then bear with him, get on with your own life for now and be prepared to pick him up as and when he hits a rough patch.

If he's not that important to you in your circle then disengage and ignore his jibes. The fact that he's still interacting with you (albeit negatively) means that your opinion is still important to him and he's possibly needing your approval and attention more than he knows.

ihavenoname3

id say you should tell him what you have told us, that you were happy he got the job and girlfriend, but you think he is showing off and not acting very nice about it now, and to cop on a bit. tell him you are still his friend but his behavior is driving you and others away from him.

he will take this either of 2 ways, 1) tell you, you are jealous and fall out with you. or 2) realize he has been acting an idiot and change his ways.

LegacyUser

His personality was grand before, but it's not that he ever went out of the way to help me out if I ever had a problem...he has left me and our group high and dry in discos and the like. If I told him my issue with his behavior I think that he would be liable to fall out with me. He never took criticism or opposition lightly.

At this stage I wouldn't mind dropping him altogether but the problem still remains with the several mutual friends we share, it could split my circle of friends down the middle, depending how mature X would act after the falling out. It would be much preferable for the group to remain together but for me and X to remain no more than acquaintances.

Jotunheim

watishappen wrote: »

It would be much preferable for the group to remain together

Regardless of how it goes with this friend, the group will split anyway. Different colleges, emigration, people forming new friendships and relationships, deaths, births and marriages, it's all gonna pull the group in different directions. Some friendships will strengthen through that, some won't survive at all. Don't sweat this friendship, just get on with doing your own thing with the friends that aren't being dicks.

retro:electro

He's young and it's his first job and first girlfriend and he is showing off. It's pretty classless what's he's doing really, if he had any cop on and self respect he wouldn't do that. He's just making an ejit of himself really. Say it out to him, "all your showing off and flashing the cash is annoying. I'm happy that you have all these great things but the smugness is grating on us". If he's normal he will embarrassed and stop. If not then he's a smug git and the friendship would have come to an end at some stage anyway.

zoobizoo

Have you told him that he is being a dick and that that is the consensus among the lads?

Dial Hard

anna080 wrote:

He's young and it's his first job and first girlfriend and he is showing off.

I agree with this part of your post, and I think it's pretty understandble, really. I think a lot of us would probably have been a bit guilty of the same if Facebook, Instagram etc. had been around when we were that age and we started earning our first few bob/going out with someone. And yeah, it's a bit cringey and maybe a bit inconsiderate but nothing I've read from the OP suggests that there's any actual malice in any of it.

In fact, OP, I think you're taking the whole thing a bit too personally. He's 17, you're 17. Believe me, none of this will mean ANYTHING to you in a few years. By then, you may still be friends with the guy or you may not; you're at an age where people often start drifting apart anyway. But all I'll say to you is that life is hard and you're only going to make it even harder on yourself if you keep comparing what you have to what everyone else has (or doesn't have). That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

IlmoNT4

OP, you are 17 now, but believe me, for the rest of your life you will come across people who are going to shove what they have and what you havent got in your face. What are you going to do about it, cut everyone out of your life? This is a great lesson for you, how to deal with this and how you feel. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. I know what its like to be your age to have nothing. Its embarrassing right? You feel ashamed. The way you feel about your friend is you projecting your insecurities onto him. Have a think about that...

Your gang of mates are all going to scatter in many different directions in the coming years, some of you will be really successful, some of you wouldnt. Most of you in 10 years wouldnt even stop on the street to say hello...

You'll all probably go to college or into the work place and grown up and none of this will matter. You may look back on this time of your life and wish that you had been more chilled out about the whole thing. Your mate is doing what an insecure 17 year old does, whos chuffed with himself with his new lady and a part time job. Be happy for him, you never fall in love the same way as you do when your 17, and you never have this freedom with money either. When you get a little older, your salary goes on bills, rent and food rather than new phones, traveling and all the stuff thats fun when your 17. My advice to you, dont take it personally. Be happy for your friend, his part time job will come to an end, along with his relationship, nothing stays the same forever. Focus on your life and doing what you want to do and be a good person, live your life for yourself without listening to bravo from another kid.

Can we have a rule against using TL;DR;?

Anyway - regarding this guy. He's experiencing something he's never had for the first time. This is all new to him, so he's absolutely and thoroughly enjoying it. Does this make him smug? Sure, but it doesn't mean you can be a killjoy about it. And ignoring him is a bit petty.

Instead of getting mad about him, why not focus on yourself? Your friend thinks you've got depression and you mentioned that you get down and out sometimes. Is there more to this? How do you feel when it happens? How do you cope with it? Sadness is something that happens to all of us and it should be accepted and understood, but what is most important is how you cope with it and how you challenge it!

Why don't you get a job yourself? Still being in school isn't an excuse - I had my first job when I was 13 and worked right through my teenage years on evenings and weekends.

Rubberchikken

I think he's showing his age and inexperience. It's gone to his head, part time job /girlfriend/money to spend.

Tbh i'd ignore it if i was you. He will get older and hopefully fet more sense.

Making comments to you is not on though and you'll have to decide if remaining friends with him/ those in group who are friends with him, is really worth it.

Maybe he'll always be a jerk, maybe not. But only you can decide if he's worth your time