Sex issues

LegacyUser

Some of this stuff may be tmi or vulgar, sorry. I don't find sex easy to enjoy and it's really starting to get me down. I've been sexually active since I was about 18 (25 now) and did enjoy it at first but for the past 2 or 3 years I've found sex really stressful. I did have some negative experiences in my first few years of sex which obviously affected me, as well as a warped view of myself and sex in general (the usual stuff; sex is dirty, sinful, men only want sex, wanting sex is normal but having it makes me a slut etc.). I feel like I'm over that and obviously don't believe those things but it still sort of haunts me to the point where it's effected relationships and my confidence in my sexuality.

I always feel hugely under pressure to please the other person and I often feel pressured into having sex, even when there is absolutely nothing to suggest any pressure. Even when guys say outright that they don't want to do anything 'cause they're worried about upsetting me I still "feel" like they're just lying to make me comfortable enough to have sex...but obviously I know that my "feeling" is wrong. I often get over sensitive or numb. I always need to stop because I get bored (that's not the right word) or sometimes I get this sense of dread, like something bad will happen if I keep going. I should clarify; I've never been raped, I've been assaulted and I've had sex with men because I felt I had to but I don't believe there was malice on their part. When I stop I generally get upset and ashamed. I apologise profusely and just generally feel like the worst person in the world. I never come and sometime when a guy is trying to make me I get irrationally angry at him? And it completely takes away any enjoyment there was. But then I feel like I need to apologise if my partner doesn't come "enough". I sometime even feel like I've lied to guys by being confident and content with myself till I get naked! It's gotten to the stage where I wonder if I'm gay? I've always considered myself bi and am attracted to girls on a very physical level...but like I've never fancied a girl.

Sometime I feel like I shouldn't have sex for a while and this will improve but I feel like if I stop I'll never start again and that denying myself sex when I want to have it (at least in theory) can't be good either. I'm I the only one who has been through this? It feels like I am...

mud

It's not unusual to develop some negative connotations with regards to sex but your situation sounds like you might need some counselling to find out the root of your discomfort.

I'm also wondering why you assume your partners are lying when they say they don't want sex. Maybe try and trust them enough to take them at their word.

Best of luck with it. It's definitely worth working on. You've a lifetime of good sex ahead of you if you can get to a place where you enjoy it!

Merkin

Sex is one of life's great pleasures and you owe it to yourself and future partners to get this sorted. I really think you should look into psychosexual counselling and address your issues head on. If you google same you should be able to find a specialist therapist in your area.

ivytwine

lannieOP wrote: »

. I sometime even feel like I've lied to guys by being confident and content with myself till I get naked! It's gotten to the stage where I wonder if I'm gay? I've always considered myself bi and am attracted to girls on a very physical level...but like I've never fancied a girl.

OP I'm not sure I understand the part above.

When you say you're physically attracted to girls do you mean fantasy-wise? Celebrities? But you've never fancied a girl you've known in reality?

Tbh I have had my issues with sex, yes, I had reasons which I won't go into here. I didn't much like men for a long time but I always fancied them, which led to some difficult situations, where I behaved hurtfully to people. I've never been attracted to women, even when I really hated men (!) and the fact that you have means that maybe you're trying to be something you're not? You're not enjoying sex and why would you continue doing something you don't like... In that context your dislike makes sense.

I do think you need to get to know yourself- know that it's ok to say no, that there's no need to worry about the other person's pleasure at the complete expense of your own, that you shouldn't feel pressure. Having that courage and power comes from knowing your worth and yourself. I wonder are there other areas of your life you feel powerless in?

To give you a small example, my most recent beau turned out to be a lying hound :rolleyes: but whereas five years ago I'd have sworn off all men forever and wondered what was wrong with me, why did men only see me as good for one thing, etc etc, I feel now that I'd be open to meeting someone new. Because I know now my own worth and value, and that I have a lot to offer a decent man.

I think you need to explore your feelings, and learn to accept yourself for what and who you are.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

OP I'm not sure I understand the part above.

When you say you're physically attracted to girls do you mean fantasy-wise? Celebrities? But you've never fancied a girl you've known in reality?

Yeah. I only ever recall properly fancying a girl once, as a teen. I like the idea of sex with girls but would never look at a girl in a bar/on the street/a friend and think "I'd like to have sex with her." As to taking a girl on a date or cuddling etc. it just doesn't really even make sense in my head!

ivytwine wrote: »

Tbh I have had my issues with sex, yes, I had reasons which I won't go into here. I didn't much like men for a long time but I always fancied them, which led to some difficult situations, where I behaved hurtfully to people. I've never been attracted to women, even when I really hated men (!) and the fact that you have means that maybe you're trying to be something you're not? You're not enjoying sex and why would you continue doing something you don't like... In that context your dislike makes sense.

I have tried to meet women but I'm just so have hearted about the flirting etc. that it just doesn't really work out!

ivytwine wrote: »

I do think you need to get to know yourself- know that it's ok to say no, that there's no need to worry about the other person's pleasure at the complete expense of your own, that you shouldn't feel pressure. Having that courage and power comes from knowing your worth and yourself. I wonder are there other areas of your life you feel powerless in?

To give you a small example, my most recent beau turned out to be a lying hound :rolleyes: but whereas five years ago I'd have sworn off all men forever and wondered what was wrong with me, why did men only see me as good for one thing, etc etc, I feel now that I'd be open to meeting someone new. Because I know now my own worth and value, and that I have a lot to offer a decent man.

I think you need to explore your feelings, and learn to accept yourself for what and who you are.

See that's part of the problem though, like I said, I feel like I'm lying because when you meet me you meet confident, happy me. I spent along time working on myself and learning to love myself and I truly belief I have a lot to offer and anybody would be lucky to have me as a partner. I'm also a massive feminist and there is nothing I hate more than "boys only want sex, men are cheaters etc." I don't believe all men are bad because a couple treated me badly. And I also don't believe I owe anyone anything in terms of sex or pleasure. But when it gets down to the act itself, the above paragraph may as well be erased. It's like the real me melts and your left with some silly 13 year old who think boys are stupid but still desperately wants them to like her.

Sleepy

lannieOP wrote: »

I'm also a massive feminist and there is nothing I hate more than "boys only want sex, men are cheaters etc.

This may be part of the problem. If you're reading a lot of feminist material, are you subconciously picking up the "all men are predatory / potential rapists" misandry that passes for mainstream feminism these days?

Dial Hard

Sleepy wrote: »

This may be part of the problem. If you're reading a lot of feminist material, are you subconciously picking up the "all men are predatory / potential rapists" misandry that passes for mainstream feminism these days?

I think you need to give the OP a bit more credit, tbh. There's such a thing as sex-positive feminism. I also strongly identify as feminist but I literally do not have a scrap of time for the anti-male crap currently coming out of the States, and I don't really know any Irish women who do. That's really not "mainstream feminism", although the amount of coverage it gets online can certainly make it appear so at times.

OP, I definitely second the suggestions on getting some psychosexual therapy.

Merkin

Sleepy wrote: »

This may be part of the problem. If you're reading a lot of feminist material, are you subconciously picking up the "all men are predatory / potential rapists" misandry that passes for mainstream feminism these days?

Less of the sweeping generalisations please Sleepy.

zeffabelli

It sounds like you're in a tug of war between some peer pressure that is internalised and your own siren .... That they while warring it out have become conflated so that you can't tell yourself what you want vs what the peer pressure is telling you to want and so you're confused.

I'm using metaphor of sub personalities because it's the best way I can explain it.

Perhaps if you give your siren a chance to occupy the pilots seat then you can take control of the peer pressure ... When you feel out of control take a break and regroup till you feel better.