Lying and blaming me...

LegacyUser

A bit of background. Myself and partner together ten years. We have two toddlers and I'm pregnant on our third. Our rental finished end last year and we bought a house that needs a lot of work. Moved in with parents while work being done.
My partner goes away with his friends abroad at least once a year. Was more before we had kids and sometimes twice since our first child was born. We decided that enough was enough and needed to buckle down and save. Then i found out that he had booked another weekend year before last from a facebook comment. He never discussed this with me. Another time we the same phones and I opened a message and it was yet again about weekend away they had booked. I went mad both times because I never get to go anywhere myself.
These weekends are big expense. A couple hundred flights, accom and then a good 5 or 600 spend. We could go on a family holiday for this. I felt hurt that it was all kept secret and he was laying to me. I suppose I did check his phone the odd time after this as I felt he was just doing what he wanted to and laying to me. Like telling me he was working when he actually wasn't and would stay in his man's while I was up all night with babies and work next day.
so fast forward to few weeks ago and I asked to use his emails to sort out our car insurance. And there in front of me was flights booked. I was fuming. We have no money to finish our house and there he is going away yet again. His friends knew I didn't know as they had a few correspondance within the mail. When was he going to tell me? How was he going to tell me? Now I'm not an ogre and have no probe with him doing anything but when I'm pregnant and and 2 babies doing overtime to get our house done and havent been anywhere in 3 years then I think its selfish of him. So we had it out and his defence was I shouldn't have looked at the mail. I have in and even gave him money towards his trip. Then he was out sick from work and told me he was going back tomorrow. Then he got a call and I answered it and was his boss saying tell him its grand and I'll see his Tuesday. After him telling me he was working and I booked a childminder so have to pay her and he was obviously planning to sit on his hole in his mams. I confronted him and again I got the "you're checking up on me and at my phone" etc. I said I'm hurt with all the lies and if he stopped lying I wouldn't keep coming across things. I'm broken hearted and feel I am to blame but yet he did it all. Please tell me your thoughts?

dixiefly

He sounds very immature, still expecting to act as if he has no commitment to you and the children.

It is hard to know how you are going to get him to change. If it was me i think I would be insisting on a joint bank account and a regular review of finances / spending. Therefore if he wants to book a personal trip it would be discussed first.

As an aside, I think he probably feels you are a pushover. If it was me and he was continuing to live the single life after baby number 1 came along then I certainly wouldn't have been contemplating numbers 2 and 3 until things changed.

Ann84

You are letting him do this. Why do you sort everything out? Why do you mind the kids, organise babysitters, worry about the house? And he feels no obligation to consider any of it.

For a start, I would give him a taste. Organise to go visit a friend, book a Monday off work and leave him for a long weekend with the kids and you go away and be good to yourself.
Refuse to fix all the little problems, they'll survive for 3 days, but give him the credit to do it...
Then when you get back, explain you need to talk... Put down in bullet points and factually the things that are an issue and cite the change in both your lives since having kids. Also talk about the house, it's obviously not a priority for him, have ye agreed a savings plan - if not, do and a timeline to get work done.
If you want a family holiday - tell him and start looking into one and pricing it...

It just sounds like ye are not at all on the same page and the only way to get there is to talk.. You sound like you could do with a few days off first, so take them... He does!

verywell

You sound like a victim. You are not. Giving him money is accepting him going away. What was your reason for this?

Can you work on your own self worth. To me you come across like you have low value on yourself.

Otherwise you would not accept this behaviour. He is walking all over you I think.

Sligo1

I feel very sorry for you OP. But if I'm honest it seems like you are letting him get away with this. How old is this man? He seems intolerable! Not to mention downright immature and disrespectful.

I would give him a taste of his own medicine. Book yourself a couple days in a spa and head off leaving him to mind the kids. You really need to nip this in the bud. Stop doing and organising as much as you do if he is not giving any help. I know that will be hard to do but just stop... Even for a couple weeks. And let him see what happens.

If it were me id actually go online and cancel the scoundrels flights and trip away. Because after that stunt I wouldn't give a toss about what his reaction would be. But you sound like you would be worried he might walk or something? Is this why you are letting him get away with this stuff? You need to woman up and take some control. His behaviour is unacceptable. Unfortunately I think you might have to have many many words before it is truly solved tho. Good luck.

CaraMay

Op you are letting him away with it all. Treat him like one of your kids as he is acting like one. I would cancel his flight and see how he likes it.

He's taking the mick but it still doing it as you are facilitating him. He won't change unless you do.

Sounds like you are heading for a long crap life with this guy. He lies yet you get the blame? Wtf

LegacyUser

<snip>
Its all well and good to go away with his friends but you are stuck at home with the kids while he is off having a great time, also why don't you go away and leave him with the kids, see how he manages??? <snip>

Mod warning: Tabs101, you posts have become increasingly harsh and unhelpful, please watch your tone. Just because you post anonymously it does not then afford you carte blanche to basically say anything you want. Consider this a warning. If it continues we simply won't approve any more of your posts.

Sunny Dayz

Seriously he needs a kick up the behind! Who with a partner of 10 years organises a trip away from his family and doesn't discuss it with them?! I've been with my partner that long and he lets me know of any plans with his friends in case it conflicts with other plans. And I certainly don't give him spending money!


OP why are you giving him spending money for his trip when he is earning himself? And him taking time off from work and not telling you? He seems very immature. Does he do any housework, looking after the kids etc etc? Cos the impression I get from your post is that you do absolutely everything and he swans around doing what suits him. How have you let it go on for so long??


I like other posters suggestions of you arranging your own time away, even a spa day or a trip to a city for some window shopping and landing him with the kids unexpectedly.

DeltaWhite

I find it very difficult to agree with saying this is all your fault OP.

A grown man, with 3 young kids, a partner and a home - should seriously SERIOUSLY have the cop on to know where his responsibilities lie. Why should you have to tell him that? Is he that much of a muppet? Maybe he is, well he certainly sounds like it to me. Acting like a manchild.

I really think you made a huge mistake giving money to him, that is enabling him OP. So I cant really pity you for that. You'll just have to put your foot down and mean it this time. Dont give him any money towards his holidays. I think you going off on your own little weekend is a great idea. See how he copes then with fatherly duties!!

LegacyUser

Op here. When I say I gave him money it was out of our joint account.
I can go away no bother if I wanted to he would never stop me. He's a grown man and if I say no you can't go then he will still go. That's what bothers me. He rarely goes out at weekend's so I think he feels this is his outing instead. Its the sneaking and laying gets me. And the fact he is turning it on me because I saw his phone. I don't know where to go from here now as he left his phone here last night and went to his mother's. I took the money back from him before he left.
Every time he goes away I say its the last time and he says he knows and then go on to do it again.

MissFlitworth

The quickest way to shut up someone who is annoying you is to convince them that they're wrong and not only are they wrong that they should feel guilty. It's got the nice add on that it tends to shut that person up in future as well, because they still feel guilty. That's what he's doing to you.

You're not wrong. His thing of 'how DARE you find out that I'm lying to you. How DARE you not trust me when I'm lying to you' would be hilarious if it wasn't upsetting you so much. When he's losing it with keep to the front of your mind that you are not wrong and he's trying to intimidate you into dropping the argument. Don't apologise to him and hand him a wodge of money!

Some people are just awfully, awfully selfish. Only you know if he's that kind of person and if he is you're not going to be able to change him, cos he won't give a hoot if you do without so that he can bog off with his friends. And in that case you need to start looking out for yourself and your kids in terms of how your own money is spent and how you are planning for your future. If you think about chats about money with him in the past where you 'both decided' to buckle down and start saving, was that you both deciding or was that you begging him to do something differently and having him grudgingly give in?

HelgaWard

It doesn't sound like you guys are equal partners. It seems your partner frequently lies to you, and omits to tell you information you need to know. He repeatedly books these trips when he knows his money should be going towards your family home. It sounds like he does not respect you. If he did why would he treat you like this. He is putting his wants before his family. I'd really wonder what he is doing on these trips that makes them more attractive than contributing to his families future. I can't believe you gave him money for his most recent trip. That just illustrates how manipulated you are by him. Would strongly recommend couples counseling.

CaraMay

So did he bugger off for the night last night and leave you to it?

dudara

@CaraMay - Asking for updates is expressly forbidden as per the forum charter

dudara

orthsquel

It sounds to me like he likes running away from his responsibilities.... rather than saying / telling you that he needs some "me" time or space for him to be an individual.

But it's the financial damage it's resulting in I'd be seriously worried about. Spending the guts of a grand on a boys' weekend?? Who with two kids and another on the way can really afford that? And who with two kids and another on the way with a house that needs massive financial investment can afford to do that?

He needs to cop himself on and get his financial priorities straight. The house getting fixed up should be priority No 1 so that all of you as a family unit have a permanent family home, with privacy as a family and not living on top of granny and granddad and sharing their living space. That is where the money should be going, getting the house sorted. Now why can't he see this? Is he panicked with all the pressure of it all? The pressure of the situation, the pressure of the kids? Expectations to live up to?

The fact that his friends are in collusion with him over lying to you is beyond pathetic tbh..... or perhaps they have been told some fairy tales about you, rather than reality? He sounds like a person in denial of his own life and life situation and doesn't want to deal with it, but also doesn't want to come out and say so. There's nothing wrong with saying "I can't handle the pressure" or "I need some space to myself", or "I need a break" but I think the problem is that he does feel this way, but doesn't want to admit it, and even if he can admit it, doesn't want to communicate it. I think that is why he is lying to you, going behind your back about booking trips, he was going to wait until it was too late to do anything about it except let him go, before he told you... it enables him to avoid confronting the real issues which is the same reason why he has turned the table on you. Instead of the two of you talking about his lying, about his inability to face up to reality, you are dealing instead with being the one to blame for snooping.