Caught boyfriend texting another girl.

yellow57

So a few weeks ago I was using my boyfriends phone and saw that he had been texting this girl we'll call 'Mary'. When I asked him who she was (as I had never heard him mention a 'Mary' before) he got really nervous and took the phone off me. He claimed she was an old college friend but the way he reacted made me really suspicious especially when he showed me her so called profile on Facebook but later on that day he got a snapchat from 'Mary' and it was not the girl he had showed me on Facebook.

I knew he was lying to me and after days of fighting and arguing about it, he eventually told me the truth that he had been chatting to her on POF before we met and she had text him put of the blue. We're together 7 months so I thought it was very weird that she suddenly text him randomly and I was even more upset that he lied about it instead of telling me straight out. Even the fact he text her back in the first place makes me annoyed.

As a result iv lost all trust in him and im so paranoid about what he's up to when I'm not around (we live over an hour apart and only see each other one or two days a week). He says he has deleted her number and also off snapchat but I still can't help the way I feel and have seriously considered just ending it.

cazzer22

I've been in a similar situation before. My ex was being very secretive over his phone and Facebook and claimed to not have the girl's number and then when he was going through his phonebook and I happened to be beside him, lo and behold, there was her number. The fact that he's acting really shady for the get go suggests that there's more going on that meets the eye. If it was me, I would give the relationship a serious rethink. It's never okay to text/snapchat another girl whilst in a relationship (unless of course, it's a female friend, in which case it's fine). He should've been up front with you. Has anything else happened previously or since that has made you think there's more going on? Poor you, it's not a nice situation to be in, having been there once myself.

yellow57

cazzer22 wrote: »

Has anything else happened previously or since that has made you think there's more going on? Poor you, it's not a nice situation to be in, having been there once myself.

The only thing that has happened since that has made me worried is that after a picture of us was posted on Facebook, his ex text him and said 'maybe I should tell your new girlfriend all about you'. Before the other incident I'd have let this slide and concluded that she was just jealous but now I think there could be something more to it. He didn't text her back but I have been very very tempted to!

StripedBoxers

If I was in your situation OP I would be asking my boyfriend to show me all texts/call logs/contact with that girl and you will know from his reaction whether or not there is more to it.

The relationship is still very new after seven months and its still in the honeymoon period so I would be quite worried about this behaviour as it does not bode well for the future. If he was easily able to hide it until now, how much better will be become at hiding things from you in future?

I would be giving this relationship a serious rethink, and while I'm rethinking it, I would be telling that I want and need space and I don't want to hear from him until you are ready, and when you're ready, you'll contact him.

Best of luck OP.

cazzer22

yellow57 wrote: »

The only thing that has happened since that has made me worried is that after a picture of us was posted on Facebook, his ex text him and said 'maybe I should tell your new girlfriend all about you'. Before the other incident I'd have let this slide and concluded that she was just jealous but now I think there could be something more to it. He didn't text her back but I have been very very tempted to!

What I can't understand is how she'd be able to see this picture? Why hasn't he blocked her number and off Facebook?
He is allowing her to contact him/see information in a variety of different ways (through text/Facebook etc.)
I wouldn't text her because then she'll know that she's getting to you by texting him. I would however ask my boyfriend to show me all means of contact and gauge his reaction. if he's hesitant, you know there's something more to it and if not, maybe she is just initiating all contact (even still, he shouldn't be entertaining it at all)

seenitall

cazzer22 wrote: »

What I can't understand is how she'd be able to see this picture? Why hasn't he blocked her number and off Facebook?
He is allowing her to contact him/see information in a variety of different ways (through text/Facebook etc.)
I wouldn't text her because then she'll know that she's getting to you by texting him. I would however ask my boyfriend to show me all means of contact and gauge his reaction. if he's hesitant, you know there's something more to it and if not, maybe she is just initiating all contact (even still, he shouldn't be entertaining it at all)

Post no. 1 and post no. 3 = 2 different girls the OP is on about, not one and the same. One is the current problem, the other is an ex.

cazzer22

Thanks for clearing that up!

jopax

Hi op,

If you are not usually paranoid about things like this, then I would go with your gut on this one.
You are after getting a few tipbits of what is in store if you stay with this guy.
I know its very easy to say, but at what point do you pull the plug with him.
If he has lied already, why trust him?

athtrasna

Are guys not allowed text girls any more and vice versa? OP I think you're over reacting. If he was worried about you finding out about something worth hiding there's no way he would have let you use his phone in the first place.

CaraMay

Don't lower yourself to text either of them. Who knows what the ex means but it does sound a bit shifty tbh. On top of they he's now in touch with someone from a dating site. His story *could* be true but he has proven he can lie to you so I would be slow to give this fella the benefit of the doubt.

It's only 7 months in. You don't need this hassle. It should be the honeymoon period not filled with paranoia and mistrust

pookie82

I don't know, OP, there's a thin line between "being entitled to your own privacy and allowed to talk to whomever you please" and inappropriately texting someone you're hiding. For all intents and purposes he was "hiding" this girl's contact until you stumbled upon it, and lied further when questioned. That's not a nice way to behave, and so early on it doesn't bode well for the future. How long was the thread of conversation between them? Was it just harmless chit chat or deeper?

He met this girl on a dating website, and you make contact over these things for purely romantic interest. A bit odd now to turn around and claim they're "just friends". If they had indeed gone to college/worked/lived together in the past, fair enough, but their initial meeting was romantically based. Why does he need to keep entertaining her?

As for what the ex said ... before this incident I would have advised to maybe let that slide. Many relationships end on bad terms with grudges and you often look at an ex who has moved on and think "I wonder if/when she'll find out what he's really like?" But perhaps it does hint that he has been at this type of messing before.

You're the only one that can decide what to do here. I'd give him one more chance to talk it out honestly. Try to suss out what his own personal boundaries are - what he thinks is and isn't acceptable when in a relationship. What he'd be happy for you to do or not do if the shoe was on the other foot, and decide from there if his standards are what you can live with.

Like I said, the line is fine between letting someone live their own life and letting them take the p*ss out of you, and I suspect he's crossing it.

cazzer22

athtrasna wrote: »

Are guys not allowed text girls any more and vice versa? OP I think you're over reacting. If he was worried about you finding out about something worth hiding there's no way he would have let you use his phone in the first place.

We're not saying it's not okay for guys to text girls, of course it is, it's the way he acted about it. Why would he act shady and awkward unless he has something to hide? I agree if he had something to hide then he wouldn't have let her use his phone, but maybe he thought he had covered all bases (hidden text message/pictures or put the girl's name under a different name etc).