Girlfriend emailing her exboyfriend

LegacyUser

Was using her computer a while back, and her emails were left open. A few threads of emails from her exbf were there... most of which were 50+ long

I didn't read them, but confronted her on them. I asked for her to reassure me, by showing me, but she refused to. Told me I should trust her.

Am I an idiot?

HalloweenJack

Well, she's calling your bluff here: either you do or you don't trust her.

I know that's a very tricky situation and it's probably normal to be doubting her at the mo. Has she ever mentioned much about the relationship she had with her ex? Getting an idea of that, and especially how things ended, could help you decide if it's good or bad that they are in contact.

For example, if they broke up on amicable terms years ago and the ex is also with someone, it might not be a concern but if they broke up horribly and recently and it was an unhealthy relationship, it could be a cause for concern

Starokan

You have to trust her or else you cannot stay with her , its as simple as that.

Without trust the relationship is doomed from the get go.

I think all you can do is assess the relationship so far and see whether you have any genuine cause for concern. Some people can become really good friends with their exes , its not that common but it certainly happens

iusedtoknow

I see my wife's ex every time I visit her home town, purely because they were all in the same circle of friends - and it stayed that way. Nice guy, happily married himself and not a threat - my wife stays in contact as they split up but were college together and part of the same group. She was also very open about it when we started to get serious. It weirded me out a bit at first, but now don't think anything of it.

Same with me, my ex works at the same company I now work at - bump into her often enough and even had dinner with her and her new partner a few weeks ago.

Openness and trust is the key to all this. If you don't trust your GF there is little hope in the longrun.

Mr. Incognito

So what.

Do you have a right to sanitise someones past?

Either you are mature enough to be in a relationship where you partner can speak to anyone they want and you trust them to be appropriate and respect you or you are not.

Your choice.

mel123

I think she is hiding something. If the ex was a friend she stayed in touch with surely it would have come up in conversation in your relationship by now and she felt it was something she should tell you and be honest about. I also think if there was nothing to hide she would have just showed you the emails if there was nothing to hide.

I don't think so, I wouldn't like to be pressured into disclosing private conversations or opening up everything just because someone was suspicious with no basis. Emails just existing is not suspicious particularly if you don't know when they are from

I can understand her telling you to drop it

OldMrBrennan83

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CaraMay

Patww79 wrote: »

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How has she proven she can't be trusted?

alias06

nobreeze wrote: »

A few threads of emails from her exbf were there... most of which were 50+ long

So there was few threads of emails most of which were 50+ long, meaning there was more than 50 emails back and forth in each thread? It would be a bit much for me I would have to say if that was the case. I know some people do stay friends with ex's but that much communication going back and forth would bother me. But then maybe those emails built up over a long time so it could all be innocent. It could be that she knows the relationship is over but is happy to keep him as a friend. Where he is the one who can't let go and is keeping the contact up. Go with your gut feel on this. What is your own sense of it?

OldMrBrennan83

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CaraMay

Patww79 wrote: »

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Not true. Maybe they have always kept up contact and that didn't change after she met her bf. do you tell your 'special friend' who you email? I don't and he doesn't want to know - he trusts me!!!

Celly Smunt

Nobody e-mails each other 50+ messages back and forth unless it's to organise something for work etc etc. If she was open with you and showed you had nothing to worry about they'd be talking over text. It seems to me that she thought she could hide her email easier than texts or facebook. Hate to say it but it sounds very fishy.

alias06

CaraMay wrote: »

Not true. Maybe they have always kept up contact and that didn't change after she met her bf. do you tell your 'special friend' who you email? I don't and he doesn't want to know - he trusts me!!!

Thats fine Caramay, but I think if you saw your boyfriends emails and there was several threads from an ex with more than 50 emails going back and forth, that you would be concerned. The OP's reaction is perfectly natural. He wants to know what's going on. I would imagine its most likely all innocent. Op maybe bring it up one more time. If she assures you its innocent then go with your gut and trust her and let it go if you can. You risk damaging a good relationship by making an issue out of guy that your girlfriend has finished with. I would bet she has totally moved on from him, she's in a new relationship with you, and I would bet that he is the one that can't let go and is keeping the contact up. I doubt he's any threat to you at all. That would be my sense of it.

OldMrBrennan83

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LegacyUser

Well, my gut instinct was correct. Thank you for the input. There was a lot going on I didn't know about, I've ended it.

Penny Tration

nobreeze wrote: »

Well, my gut instinct was correct. Thank you for the input. There was a lot going on I didn't know about, I've ended it.

I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you stuck with your gut feeling and got the truth. Look after yourself x

cazzer22

nobreeze wrote: »

Well, my gut instinct was correct. Thank you for the input. There was a lot going on I didn't know about, I've ended it.

Really sorry to hear that. At the very least, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you came across the emails in the first place. Take care and mind yourself.

HamsterFace

Beyond all of our modern emotional intelligence we're still driven by instinct, one of which is jealousy.

And jealousy needs to be understood and respected and you are entitled to feel jealous and threatened by any ex and that should be respected.

If an ex is in a circle of friends then some interaction needs to be understood and you need to come to terms with that, difficult as it is.

But in my book, that interaction should only occur in social situations , private messaging and contact is strictly off limits and I would flip my lid.

And I know all of the arguments against, I don't care, you need to respect and protect your partners emotional well being.

HamsterFace

nobreeze wrote: »

Well, my gut instinct was correct. Thank you for the input. There was a lot going on I didn't know about, I've ended it.

Sorry, only read this after I posted. Goes to show, your gut is usually correct..