Interfering grandparent

LegacyUser

I am just trying to figure if I am being over sensitive regarding something regarding my father in law.

Today he was over on a social visit for a while and when he was heading away he spirited my son away to say he wanted to "show him something".
I could see this going on as I was in the garden tending to something else.

He showed him a line of weeds which, to be honest, are unsightly and at a visible spot within the entrance of our house.
I've been spraying weeds (it is a large area) and this particular line of weeds probably could have done with a 2nd spray to kill them off.
He wanted my son to pull them.
In one sense he was suggesting a chore for my son to do while he was off school.
However, I felt the way he sneaked this suggestion to my son about maintaining some aspect of *our* house that he was slightly crossing a line.
What I mean is - he didn't confer with me over it.
It felt honestly like he undermined me as man of the house and also parent of my son.

It reminded me of a time when we were in the midst of building project for our house 8+yrs ago and he was often challenging me when I gave updates on the build as if he wanted some level of control on the project or a lack of faith in my own judgement.

Maybe the bigger issue here is how he is almost parenting and going behind my back in giving suggestions on maintainin the house to my son.

- am I being oversensitive ?

retro:electro

You are being over sensitive. He was helping you out. He asked him to pull a few weeds, not run a 10k marathon.

CaraMay

Yes you are being very over sensitive. He's teach your child some skills. Let them at it

Xterminator

i think you are over reacting, and reading too much into this & your comment

It felt honestly like he undermined me as man of the house and also parent of my son.

seems way OTT.

i think something in your previous relationship has you seeing motives in the mans actions that just are not warranted.

Toots

Yes, I think you're being over sensitive. He probably thought it would be a good way to teach your son to do some tasks around the house, and also something that would help you out. It's weeding, so there's probably not a whole lot of ways it could go wrong. I reckon he 'sneakily' said it to your son was so that it would be like a "secret plan" as opposed to just a random old chore. I'm sure there wasn't any malice behind it.

gctest50

CaraMay wrote: »

Yes you are being very over sensitive. He's teach your child some skills.Let them at it

weeds can take weeks to die after spraying
shouldn't touch them after spraying either

don't let the child alone with the clown

brandygoldman wrote: »

.......
I've been spraying weeds (it is a large area) and this particular line of weeds probably could have done with a 2nd spray to kill them off.
He wanted my son to pull them...........

Call me Al

Yes you're being OTT.

I think, because of something that happened 8 years ago, you're possibly looking for controversy where none is meant. This whole idea of him "parenting behind your back" when all he did was talk to your son about pulling a few weeds is being a bit overly sensitive.

Chocolate fiend

It's easy for us to say you are OTT because we don't know how the rest of your relationship is. I can understand how you feel, so I don't think you are over-reacting, it sounds like your FIL was maybe being a bit passive-agressive, is that your issue?

nc19

Maybe he wanted the child to do it as a surprise and didn't want you knowing he told the child what to do so you would think your child did it off his on bat

Jotunheim

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

it sounds like your FIL was maybe being a bit passive-agressive

This is just throwing out misunderstood buzzwords, there's nothing in this incident which would be "passive aggressive" and characterising the behaviour like that is unhelpful at best.


OP, there might be some slight boundary issues with you father-in-law's behaviour, but then there probably always will be with doting grandparents. Overall though, good grandparents are a huge positive in your child's life so you overlook the odd misstep. Personally, the only aspect of this incident I'd be concerned about is the fact that he was asking the child to handle weeds which had been sprayed. Presumably he wasn't aware they had been, so maybe a little more communication was and is in order. "Lads, will you stay away from the weeds there, I've sprayed them" would have headed all of this off.
Feeling that you've been grievously undermined is more of a question for you to answer about why you feel so insecure in your home and family that such a minor incident makes to feel that way.

neemish

OP, are you basing your opinion on this one incident or is there over stuff going on. It sounds like there might be background that we are missing out on. If it's a once off, ignore it. If it's a pattern, maybe you need to address it. (And remember that sometimes parents/in laws can put their size nines in any situation and make you feel like you're a complete twit.)

MrWalsh

brandygoldman wrote: »

I could see this going on as I was in the garden tending to something else.

brandygoldman wrote: »

Maybe the bigger issue here is how he is almost parenting and going behind my back in giving suggestions on maintainin the house to my son.

If you were in the garden at the time then how was he going behind your back?

Could you not have simply said "Go back inside son" and then told him to leave your house maintenance to you?

Call me Al

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

It's easy for us to say you are OTT because we don't know how the rest of your relationship is. I can understand how you feel, so I don't think you are over-reacting, it sounds like your FIL was maybe being a bit passive-agressive, is that your issue?

We can only reply based on details the poster chooses to share with us.

There may of course be a lot of other dynamics going on in the background, including a
passive-aggressive father-in-law or a paranoid son-in-law. He'd need to share that with us to make a more informed conclusion.
But if all he's basing his opinion of this current incident on is his perception of some events 8 years ago then I still think he's being OTT.

CaraMay

MrWalsh wrote: »

Could you not have simply said "Go back inside son" and then told him to leave your house maintenance to you?

There is no need to be that rude. Op you seem over sensitive to it all and maybe he did see you making mistakes with the house build. At the end of the day it's your wife's father so sometimes you will have to let these teeny tiny issues go for the sake of family harmony

iusedtoknow

It's not like he was explaining the birds and the bees to your kid - that would be crossing a line. What happened was barely an incident. Complete over reaction to what was said. As "man of the house", man up and forget about it.

MouseTail

Another one who thinks OP is overreacting. The only thing the grandfather did wrong is not offer payment for weeding. That's part of a grandparents role, to top up pocket money by getting kids to do either real or makey uppy chores!

Second Toughest in_the Freshers

gctest50 wrote: »

don't let the child alone with the clown

and thats not an over reaction at all...:rolleyes:

gctest50

Second Toughest in_the Freshers wrote: »

and thats not an over reaction at all...:rolleyes:

he wanted the child to touch weeds that had been sprayed with weedkiller

rolleyes indeed

Merkin

Second Toughest in_the Freshers wrote: »

and thats not an over reaction at all...:rolleyes:

gctest50 wrote: »

he wanted the child to touch weeds that had been sprayed with weedkiller

rolleyes indeed

Less of the collective eye rolling please

LegacyUser

Pulling weeds?

I have a mother in law bringing kids to a first Santa visit on purpose without me and getting one of her sons to paint my sons first bed room in my house and marking it off as 'not a big deal'.
That's interfering and undermining , not pulling weeds.

There's obviously a pattern of pervieved behaviour that has built up to this though that is now making you view this as yet another encroachment.

mud

brandygoldman wrote: »

I am just trying to figure if I am being over sensitive regarding something regarding my father in law.

Today he was over on a social visit for a while and when he was heading away he spirited my son away to say he wanted to "show him something".
I could see this going on as I was in the garden tending to something else.

He showed him a line of weeds which, to be honest, are unsightly and at a visible spot within the entrance of our house.
I've been spraying weeds (it is a large area) and this particular line of weeds probably could have done with a 2nd spray to kill them off.
He wanted my son to pull them.
In one sense he was suggesting a chore for my son to do while he was off school.
However, I felt the way he sneaked this suggestion to my son about maintaining some aspect of *our* house that he was slightly crossing a line.
What I mean is - he didn't confer with me over it.
It felt honestly like he undermined me as man of the house and also parent of my son.

It reminded me of a time when we were in the midst of building project for our house 8+yrs ago and he was often challenging me when I gave updates on the build as if he wanted some level of control on the project or a lack of faith in my own judgement.

Maybe the bigger issue here is how he is almost parenting and going behind my back in giving suggestions on maintainin the house to my son.

- am I being oversensitive ?

It really depends on the motivation for his comments. Was he passive-aggressively pointing out that you don't keep your home to his standard? Or was he just hanging out with his grand-kid and teaching him some gardening?

There's a special circle in hell for people who use kids to insult others. I've seen it myself, "oh look *insert child's name here* silly Mammy hasn't done the washing-up" Totally infuriating for the Mammy but difficult to respond to when it was in the guise of a conversation with a kid.

To be honest as another poster says, he's your Da-in-law so you probably need to let it go to a certain extent. Not an easy situation.

LegacyUser

mud wrote: »

It really depends on the motivation for his comments. Was he passive-aggressively pointing out that you don't keep your home to his standard? Or was he just hanging out with his grand-kid and teaching him some gardening?

There's a special circle in hell for people who use kids to insult others. I've seen it myself, "oh look *insert child's name here* silly Mammy hasn't done the washing-up" Totally infuriating for the Mammy but difficult to respond to when it was in the guise of a conversation with a kid.

To be honest as another poster says, he's your Da-in-law so you probably need to let it go to a certain extent. Not an easy situation.

OP here - and thanks for the various opinions.
The passive aggression is what I am really worried about.
There is a much wider context.
My wife does the triangulation thing whereby she says stuff like - oh look I bet daddy hasn't done x, y or z and I feel the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I agree I have to let it go and it is messy.

The bit that annoyed me was that he (father in law) clearly saw me and he wanted to spirit my son away to show him. My son paraphrased that grandad said they looked "awful".
I feel he was poking his nose in the maintenance of our house and using the guise of giving my son a chore to passively aggressively get a dig in at me.

Chocolate fiend

I knew there would be a wider context. I also know people who use children in that way, and would do very similar to that. It is hard to ignore, but, it is your best bet. Don't let it get into your brain. It is passive aggressive in my situation and only you can tell if it is the same in yours.

CaraMay

Underneath it all are you annoyed with your wife or your father in law. It's not his fault she acts like that. She's an adult.

neemish

I would be more concerned with your wife than your fil. Using your child to communicate with you is not healthy for your relationship. Could you have a chat and say to her, very nicely, if you have some thing you would like me to do, could you ask me instead of saying it to "child's name". How have you organised jobs in the past? Maybe there could be a list on the fridge with what needs to be done and by when. Not in a childish way, but as a way of setting clearer expectations of each other.

Putting your child in the middle at this age is only going to lead to bigger problems down the road. I would say deal with it now rather than leave it

Dial Hard

gctest50 wrote: »

he wanted the child to touch weeds that had been sprayed with weedkiller

They hadn't been sprayed that day.

brandygoldman wrote: »

The passive aggression is what I am really worried about.

To be honest, even after your update I still don't see any passive-aggression in your FIL's behaviour. It seems your wife uses this tactic and you're now completely paranoid about it.

jimmycrackcorm

brandygoldman wrote:

The bit that annoyed me was that he (father in law) clearly saw me and he wanted to spirit my son away to show him. My son paraphrased that grandad said they looked "awful". I feel he was poking his nose in the maintenance of our house and using the guise of giving my son a chore to passively aggressively get a dig in at me.

But it's only weeds, it's not like you'd painted the house and he was handing over a paintbrush to repaint a different colour.

It's simply not an issue to pass any heed to. When your son is a teenager you'd wish your son was out pulling those weeds.