abortion, heartbreak and voilence

Kitkat123

I don't know where to start, I am broken hearted. I guess I start from the beginning.

Last October 2014, I discovered I was pregnant. It was very mixed emotions as I had just gotten together with my boyfriend whom i knew from work. We are both in our 30's, so thought we could handle it. However, as the days passed by and the thought of it sank in, my boyfriend felt it wasn't the right time and that we should have an abortion. After much heart ache and thought, he persuaded me and we went to london. This whole experience broke me and I haven't felt the same ever since. Flash forward 8 months, and we are now trying for a baby which is great, but nothing is happening and the stress has been mounting from my side. Every month when period comes, I just want to curl up and die.

As I sit hear blurry eyed from reading this, I haven't gotten over the abortion. It's a very deep raw scar that I carry and it will take a long time to come to terms with this.

And this is when events took a turn for the worse. Last night, I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his friend (female). She's not my favourite person in the world, but she has been the best friend of my boyfriend for years so I make an effort. For some reason she started talking about abortion and how a mutual friend of theirs ended up shipping some girl who he was dating off to Amsterdam for an abortion. This conversation seemed to go on and on and each word was like a dagger to the heart. I didn't take part in any of the conversation and became increasingly paranoid (with more drink) that my boyfriend had told my deepest darkest most painful and shameful secret.

By the time we got home, I had convinced myself I had to breakup with him and that he was the biggest and most horrible asshole i had ever met. I asked him to leave the apartment and he wouldn't and he started laughing. I just lost the plot and was trying to drag him out and slapped him repeatedly on the face. Long story short, he's a big guy so I couldn't get him out, so he slept on the couch.

This morning I have woken up and terribly regret my actions and the consequences are that I now have to move out. Packing my bag and don't know why or how we came to this. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that I was taken over by pain and upset about the abortion and lost the plot, but there is no excuse for hitting him.

I feel like I have lost everything. Is there anything I can say or do that would help in this situation? Or will this be another painful regret to add to my growing pile. :-(

lollsangel

Have you spoken to him? If you feel you can't get it all out thete , maybe try writing him. What you did was totally wrong irregardless of whether he shared your abortion or not. Ask yourself though what is it about her that made you react like this. Are you jealous? Ive been there btw i would have rows with my partner about a friend of his that i considered too daemanding. You wont ever win so you may just go with the flow and accept her.You know stress can affect your ability to conceive, just saying

BreadnBuddha

Don't overthink last nights events. You don't need to move out or argue any more....you just need to ask him to stand by you and be there while you both get some professional counselling. He has feelings too and chances are he's also torn with guilt and remorse for what he said or didn't say last October. Go together and speak with a pro who can help you navigate some stormy undercurrents.

I write from similar personal experience from a past relationship and I'm male. I'm also not a general advocate of counselling and therapy but not many people in your life will have the experience to be able to advise you on this situation with a balanced and fair view.

CaraMay

Op this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. First of all he should not have persuaded you to have an abortiin as that was never going to make the relationship stronger. It seems a very short jump from not bring ready for a baby to trying for a baby. Whose idea was this? You are still only together 1.5 years and have been through a lot so why not take a break from baby making until you are stronger. A baby places huge strain on the parents and the relationship and it sounds like you (personally) and you (as a couple) are not ready for that.

As for the violence wtf? That's a terrible thing to do to him op. You are already emotionally fragile and drinking shouldn't be on your radar.

You do need to move out for a while to gain some perspective, get counselling and get strong. You can do this but stay off the booze in the meantime,

Confucius say

I feel bad for you op but I shouldn't really. I had a girlfriend who used to get angry and slap me around and it's not nice. If this was the other way around people would be talking about police and jail. You clearly have anger issues and you're unable to control yourself. That needs to be addressed ASAP.
As for your options now, the ball is in his court really. You need to make it clear to him how sorry you are and that you'll do whatever it takes for this not to happen again. Then wait and see what he does.

LegacyUser

Op you need to leave and get out of the situation that you are in. If it was your boyfriend that hit you everybody would be saying get out, call the guards, links to women's aid etc.
what you did to him was terrible and how can you guarantee you won't do it again.

For a very short term relationship you both have been through a lot, abortion is a tough one to confide in with people as you don't know how they'll react, some people are very anti abortion and could use it as a stick stick to beat you with.

I think it's madness you are both trying for another kid so soon after the abortion when emotionally neither of you have seemed to have dealt with the fallout from it. Maybe your bf did confide in his friend maybe he didn't, but getting boozed up and lashing out at him is not the way to solve the issues going on your relationship.

Did either of you ever go to counselling or talk about the abortion afterwards? Babies can cause a lot of stress to the most rock solid relationships and I really don't think it's the answer to your problems right now.

Also I agree with another poster lay off the booze, if you are struggling emotionally drinking will make it worse.

tara73

yes, there are a few questionmarks which would be important to know to give some advice. (sure you don't have to answer)
did he pushed you into the abortion or did you wanted it too?

who's idea was it to try for a baby again after such a short time after an abortion?

if this both was him, I would say he's mad and you should really consider if he's the right person/good for you.

then, did you not ask him directly after that incident with the friend of his if he told her about the abortion? it's not really clear from your post if you directly asked him about it.
if yes, what did he say? if no, you should do this, otherwise you are just guessing.

you both sound very immature and I think you both should sit down and have a proper chat about all the issues. make a list beforehand what is important for you.
all the best

eviltwin

God OP my heart goes out to you. Emotionally you haven't moved on from the abortion and its hard enough going through that when you know deep down its the right thing without doing it against your better judgement. Have you had any post abortion counselling? I would really recommend contacting one of the Well Woman clinics or the Irish Family Planning Ass who will give you free counselling. Having been in a similar situation myself in the past I would advise you not to try for another baby until you have allowed yourself to grieve and heal for the abortion.

Obviously the behaviour last night is not acceptable but I would see this as a symptom of your deeper issues and until you sort them out nothing will improve. I'd hold off on your baby plans for the moment and concentrate on this and then revisit it again in the future.

Its only been 8 months which is not that long, don't be too hard on yourself, I found mentally I was struggling up until what would have been my due date and that after that it was easier to let go but I needed counselling to do that. You can and will move on from this, it doesn't have to be the defining moment in your life but you need help to do so. Do get help but just be wary of some of the organisations like Rachels Vineyard and Gianna Care that claim to offer help, stick to the professionals.

dudara

Posters - let's not bring religion into this. That is a personal belief that's best kept personal.

dudara

pilph

Hi KitKat123

I have been through everything you have, from the male side.

My ex had an abortion against my will a number of years back. In the aftermath she was a broken lady and it caused massive issues. We did go on to have a child but the relationship split.

My ex hit me too. Several times over a 4-5 year period. She would play it down but I think she was mentally very scarred from what happened. I stood by her as I loved her and I still do. we tried counselling but nothing worked. I tried counselling alone too and I still feel anger over what happened with that aborted baby.

I would suggest you look up Rachel's Vineyard. I got a lot of relief from attending their services. They approach things from a Catholic point of view but if anyone is of a different or no Faith, they are very respectful of that. I am mildly religious so am in no way touting for you to go via religious services. But based on your post you need to talk with people who understand.

The way that abortion conversation unfolded - an identical situation occured with me also. I was on a work trip in another country when out of the blue a work colleague from another country brought it up. I just sat there praying for it to end. That was very tough for you.

I can't say anything about your relationship. I stayed in a difficult relationship for a long time. Loving someone makes it hard to think of leaving and your post suggests counselling might help.

I really do wish you the best of luck. We all deserve some happiness and I know how tough a time you have been through.

Be kind to yourself.