Feeling hurt

LegacyUser

Dealing with some things right now and could do with some help with seeing this situation from a different perspective. It started when my dog took ill last week. She was very poorly and as I'm on my own managed to get her to the vet by myself just in time. She required a serious operation and is still in intensive care for treatment. I haven't been allowed to see her and its been a really distressing time. Needless to say, I love my dog she means as much to me as any other member of my family and the first few days were spent in a sorry state of despair, unable to sleep or eat and just crying constantly.

So, I had been in contact with friends and family letting them know how things were and updating on her progress and all offering support and concern. One friend in particular, who's love for dogs is probably unrivalled, broke down crying on the phone when I told him. I knew he would be upset but the level of upset is a concern to me.

In short, I've known him for years and we used work together and he often stopped in for a cuppa after work and played with dog, especially in the summer when the weather is good. I'm single female and for years people always assumed he was more than a friend but it has never been more than that, I have no feelings for him in that way at all. I have explained this to him many times before and he always said he was never interested anyway so I was never concerned about it. There were times when I did feel trapped and suffocated by his friendship as he could be overbearing and a bit needy, but I was also aware that he had his own troubles and if it gave him comfort to hang out here then I should just put up with it and let him be.

Yesterday the vet got in touch to give me the latest and after a few minutes paused and said friends name. I responded in confirmation that I knew him and asked why. Vet explained that he had contacted him the previous day enquiring about dog, I was a bit surprised as I had been updating friend by text as it was. Vet goes on to say that he also picked up the bill. It was a fairly hefty number and I was completely gobsmacked to find this out. Vet thinks I have a guardian angel and that's that.

I contact friend directly to inquire and initially thank him for what he has done. He explained he was just so concerned that he felt helpless and needed to do something. I ask whaat day he had been in and his response to that has set something off in me and to be honest I don't understand what is going on or where these feelings are coming from.
He said that it was none of my business and that it was between himself and the vet.

Now dont get me wrong, I really was amazed at his generosity originally but I'm actually quite angry about this. I contacted vet today and asked him had friend spoken with him since and vet confirms he updates him every day. Vet calls him. It appears vet is giving him first priority on information with regard to my dogs healthcare. This is really wrecking my head. I know I should just be grateful but I'm actually devastated. I feel like this guy is claiming my dog and more than that, is acting privately beyond my permission and not even informing me of information he is being given.

I tried to explain to vet that he isn't family member or related to us in anyway and that I don't think it's appropriate that he is first contact and asked him to just contact me and I would then update friend. I also explained that he will be paid in full and that while his offer was generous was unnecessary, that I feel he (friend) is overstepping boundaries here. I don't know how vet has taken that but I'm just sickened right now.

I contacted friend and tried to explain how this has made me feel but he continues to return it to his concern for my dog. I don't know what to do here. I dont know if it's wrong to be this upset, I know this week has been extremely stressful for me anyway and it might just be a response to that but I honestly feel so hurt right now its beyond what I can describe.

Just to add, because of how poorly doggie is vet can't say how she is doing really and information is minimal. I never get much information on progress other than she is holding in there and we just have to wait and see. I understand that there might not be much he can do but I'm also concerned as I'm not allowed see her as he says it might upset her and as its been five days now I'm starting to wonder if I'm not being taken for a ride and as he's already got the cash in the bank.

Rubberchikken

I'm really sorry about your dog and i hoe things will turn out fine.

Your friend's behaviour is a bit odd and overbearing but he could genuinely care about you and your dog and may feel he's doing his best for you both.

I don't understand the vet's behaviour towards you, usually they are, in my experience, very professional and i wonder if you're so stressed you're not seeing things clearly. Have you someone who could go with you to the vets on the next visit to ask questions and see how things are?

Hoping you dog recovers very soon. Take care

Jotunheim

Dogsbestfriend wrote: »

I'm starting to wonder if I'm not being taken for a ride and as he's already got the cash in the bank.

The fact that the vet has been paid makes him less likely to take you for a ride, he has nothing to gain by dragging it out. What your vet is doing wrong though is telling your friend and you should tell the vet to stop that. If you want your friend to back off, pay him back the money.

LegacyUser

Jotunheim wrote: »

The fact that the vet has been paid makes him less likely to take you for a ride, he has nothing to gain by dragging it out. What your vet is doing wrong though is telling your friend and you should tell the vet to stop that. If you want your friend to back off, pay him back the money.

we are paying him back, the reason why we didn't pay a bill is because we hadn't been given one at that stage as we had no idea then what her treatment, if any, would entail. I paid an initial deposit to secure any further treatment and no fees were discussed after that. We didn't ask for his money in the first place but I did mention that if she made it through that day my concern was how much I would be billed. (The deposit I left on the first day was €100)

LegacyUser

Jotunheim wrote: »

The fact that the vet has been paid makes him less likely to take you for a ride, he has nothing to gain by dragging it out. What your vet is doing wrong though is telling your friend and you should tell the vet to stop that. If you want your friend to back off, pay him back the money.

I have whey intention ofbpaying him back, the reason why I hadn't paid a bill up until that point is because I hadn't been given one at that stage as we had no idea then what her treatment, if any, would entail. I paid an initial deposit to secure any further treatment and no fees were discussed after that. I never asked for his money in the first place but I did mention that if she made it through that day my concern was that there would be a sizeable bill. I would have happily sold a kidney for my dog though so it's not as though I wasn't prepared for it. (The deposit I left on the first day was €100)

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

I'm really sorry about your dog and i hoe things will turn out fine.

Your friend's behaviour is a bit odd and overbearing but he could genuinely care about you and your dog and may feel he's doing his best for you both.

I don't understand the vet's behaviour towards you, usually they are, in my experience, very professional and i wonder if you're so stressed you're not seeing things clearly. Have you someone who could go with you to the vets on the next visit to ask questions and see how things are?

Hoping you dog recovers very soon. Take care

I think that's probably the best thing, to have someone with me. Vet usually contacts me by phone in the morning or evening as he told me I wouldn't be able to see her because it might distress her more and I really don't want that. I did ask if I could bring in an item of my clothing for her which he allowed but the seperation anxiety is causing me serious stress at this stage, so I don't know how she is coping herself. My mother said it's too long a time for her to go without being able to see her and that I should querybit again. Vet told me this afternoon that unless there are any changes tomorrow, it will be Monday before I know any more, which to me is just too far. I don't know if that's normal practice but maybe someone might be able to advise there.

(Apologies for typos, via phone)

orthsquel

I think maybe it was an intended act of kindness/generosity that thought that would be received better.... I think your friend is acting as a buffer to protect you. As for paying and telling it's not your business.... it is possible that if your friend didn't pay upfront a lump sum (by debit or credit card) that perhaps they worked out some payment plan with the vet directly, at the vet's discretion.

However, I find the vet's informing your friend as a priority puzzling... in my experience that would not be the norm. I've been an additional contact for the vet for family pets, and it was only when the house phone wasn't answered that the vet called me with an update on information to pass on. However direct contact as a priority contact was never given to me save unless the folks couldn't be reached for whatever reason. Out of a dozen phone calls with one pet, it was only the once and once only I was ever contacted when my folks couldn't be contacted directly.
I think you are right to be asked that the vet contact you directly first, over your friend. Even if he has paid the bill in full already or whatever, that doesn't give him the right to be given information first on a pet that isn't his. However, he may have said something to the vet at which the vet took at face value and never queried further.

I would trust the medical side of the vet though..when folks had a cat stay for several nights at the vet, they discouraged us from seeing her until she was more stable. tbh though I wouldn't know if what you have been told is standard practice but probably the vet needs to put the interest of the dog and her health first and that if seeing you is going to be distressing then it's just not going to be possible until your dog is in a better position. They might be keeping in mind that it could be very distressing and upsetting for you seeing your best friend in such a way and might want to protect you from seeing something upsetting.

LegacyUser

orthsquel wrote: »

I would trust the medical side of the vet though..when folks had a cat stay for several nights at the vet, they discouraged us from seeing her until she was more stable. tbh though I wouldn't know if what you have been told is standard practice but probably the vet needs to put the interest of the dog and her health first and that if seeing you is going to be distressing then it's just not going to be possible until your dog is in a better position. They might be keeping in mind that it could be very distressing and upsetting for you seeing your best friend in such a way and might want to protect you from seeing something upsetting.

thanks so much for that, its probably a bit reassurance I need. I don't want to doubt vet as he has a great reputation and I want to be able to trust him completely. I think that's probably the crux of the whole thing. Thanks so much.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to update, we (myself and daughter) contacted another vet and explained situation and they advised us to just go and bring dog to them. I tried contacting our own vet by phone several times this weekend with no response so went in this morning and asked if she was still alive. He said she was and that he was going to leave her go home anyway today. I explained I had contacted another vet and that we were planning on taking her as it was so I asked if she needed further treatment and he said I would have to ask them.

Just can't believe the treatment we received from this guy. The whole thing has been traumatizing to say the least. Myself and daughter paid the full bill and daughter again explained situation with regard to friend, asked again about how she was and only then did vet say she needed antibiotics and her stitches removed in about a week.

We have dog home with us now and stopped into new vet on the way who is organizing her treatment from here on in and while we are still concerned for dogs welfare, feel so much better about having someone who is aware of us and our concerns and that has taken a lot of stress and anxiety out of the situation. (New vet is female too which appears to have helped, I think the previous would probably have been more responsive to me if I had been male)

As for friend, this has caused so much distress I know that friendship could never continue and have asked him to no longer contact us. I understand he had the best of intentions but would have been best served if he had taken us into account before he went about organizing our affairs.

CaraMay

Gosh op, I have to say that if this is how you treat your friends who look after you, I would hate to think how you treat friends who cross you. Your friend went ott but there was no badness in it (that you told us about anyway).

For what's it's worth, your reaction has been very ott but if you are happy with your course of action then that's fine. Glad dog is on the mend.

I'm really not sure what to make of this ...

Your friend did a wonderful thing for you. And yet you're reacting so badly to it and I'm not entirely sure why, if I'm being perfectly honest. Sure, it might have been a bit OTT, but this sort of stuff happens a lot - I remember a few years ago on here, some complete stranger gave a person in need €4,000 (I believe) to help them get over tough times.

Your friend saw how much you were struggling and how tough this was for you and stepped in. A vet doesn't really care where the money is coming from - they are paid and that's what they care about. You also mentioned that they have a good reputation - it's important that you don't do anything to tarnish this for accepting help from someone's payment through generosity.

Sure, it sucks that they were telling the friend information first, but if this friend had been contacting the vet first, then it might explain things a little.

I also can't fully understand why you would take the dog to another vet ... if anything, surely this is potentially worse for the dog's wellbeing? You say that the vet's treatment of you was traumatising, but, if I'm being perfectly honest, I can't exactly see where that is coming from.

1: They accepted payment from your friend.
2: They informed your friend of details.

Is there something I'm missing?

You also asked the friend to stop contacting you and ended the friendship because he did something incredibly nice for you?

... what?

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Gosh op, I have to say that if this is how you treat your friends who look after you, I would hate to think how you treat friends who cross you. Your friend went ott but there was no badness in it (that you told us about anyway).

For what's it's worth, your reaction has been very ott but if you are happy with your course of action then that's fine. Glad dog is on the mend.

No disrespect to you but a friend would have been there to offer support and comfort to me, I could really have done with some at the time and it would probably have been more productive in the long run. I had previous good relationship with my vet and that has been destroyed. I don't know what "friend" has communicated to him but I felt like I was being treated like a disgruntled ex or prostitute and while vet was happy to discuss my dogs welfare with him, I was left in the dark. Friend had not contacted me at all with any information vet shared with him which led me to believe vet assumed he was primary carer for my dog. If friend had actually given a crap about me he would have put my concerns ahead of his own but he didn't, and vet prioritized him as a result.
Given that this is my dog, I was left completely out of the loop and that has hurt me deeply.


His actions have been controlling and possessive and while my dogs health is so fragile right now I need to be able to have some right to be kept updated and informed. We still don't know how things will turn out and if I have to put my dog to sleep, I want it to be with someone who respects me as her owner and not treated as a secondsry to the guy who offered to pay the bill. Thankfully we have found a vet who recognises this and hopefully things will continue to improve for all of us now.

thegreatgonzo

Like a poster above said, it is possible your friend may have said something to the vet that the vet took at face value. As you said yourself you were in a very distressed state and your friend (with the best of intentions) may have led the vet to assume that you'd both agreed it would be best for you if he became point of contact. It's an unusual situation, generally it would be only family members or partners (besides the owner) that would be contacting the vet for information about a patient so there was obviously an assumption made on the vets side that you were very close.
I don't feel that we are getting the full story here. Normally after you pay a deposit, the question of the bill isn't settled until discharge as the total is still unknown. I do feel you have perhaps over reacted here and I don't understand why you are going to another vet if you are not unhappy with the veterinary care your dog got. I'm also a bit surprised that another vet would advise you to bring your dog to them unless you were unhappy with the veterinary treatment. Were you unhappy with the veterinary treatment? By the way it is standard procedure for post op animals to be sent home on antibiotics and to return after 10 days to get stitches removed. This is usually the last thing told the owner as it is the 'take home message' you want them to remember. There is no charge for removal of stitches.

CaraMay

If you, based on what you've told us, feel you were treated like a disgruntled ex and / or a prostitute, then no one on here can help you.

Dogsbestfriend

Dogsbestfriend wrote: »

No disrespect to you but a friend would have been there to offer support and comfort to me, I could really have done with some at the time and it would probably have been more productive in the long run. I had previous good relationship with my vet and that has been destroyed. I don't know what "friend" has communicated to him but I felt like I was being treated like a disgruntled ex or prostitute and while vet was happy to discuss my dogs welfare with him, I was left in the dark. Friend had not contacted me at all with any information vet shared with him which led me to believe vet assumed he was primary carer for my dog. If friend had actually given a crap about me he would have put my concerns ahead of his own but he didn't, and vet prioritized him as a result.
Given that this is my dog, I was left completely out of the loop and that has hurt me deeply.


His actions have been controlling and possessive and while my dogs health is so fragile right now I need to be able to have some right to be kept updated and informed. We still don't know how things will turn out and if I have to put my dog to sleep, I want it to be with someone who respects me as her owner and not treated as a secondsry to the guy who offered to pay the bill. Thankfully we have found a vet who recognises this and hopefully things will continue to improve for all of us now.

What? The bold bits are most important. Who made you feel this way? I'm sorry, but I still can't see it. The vet? The friend? Who?

You are overreacting faaaaarr too much and the bolded bit just kind of proves it.

He did care about you. What, you think he paid the bill for absolutely no reason? He did it because he saw how much you were struggling. That's what friends do. Real friends. They don't just sit there idly by and give you random statements to make you feel better. They actually do something to help you feel better. And he did this by paying the bill.

I dunno, OP, it just seems like you lost a friend that was really worth keeping ...

LegacyUser

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Like a poster above said, it is possible your friend may have said something to the vet that the vet took at face value. As you said yourself you were in a very distressed state and your friend (with the best of intentions) may have led the vet to assume that you'd both agreed it would be best for you if he became point of contact. It's an unusual situation, generally it would be only family members or partners (besides the owner) that would be contacting the vet for information about a patient so there was obviously an assumption made on the vets side that you were very close.
I don't feel that we are getting the full story here. Normally after you pay a deposit, the question of the bill isn't settled until discharge as the total is still unknown. I do feel you have perhaps over reacted here and I don't understand why you are going to another vet if you are not unhappy with the veterinary care your dog got. I'm also a bit surprised that another vet would advise you to bring your dog to them unless you were unhappy with the veterinary treatment. Were you unhappy with the veterinary treatment? By the way it is standard procedure for post op animals to be sent home on antibiotics and to return after 10 days to get stitches removed. This is usually the last thing told the owner as it is the 'take home message' you want them to remember. There is no charge for removal of stitches.

Everything I have said is as is, I assumed same with regard to bill, that it would be last thing to be discussed upon discharge. Friend took it upon himself to go to vet the day after she was admitted and offer to pay bill, which vet informed me of the next day and told me how much it was.
Like I said, initially I was overwhelmed by his generosity and thanked him but when I asked what day he had been in he told me that it was between him and vet, which irked me as my dogs affairs are between me and my vet. When I asked vet had he been communicating with him since he informed he that he had contacted him daily to update him.
Friend had not been in contact with me at any stage though and never shared any of that with me. He does know vet personally so it was just business between them.

In so far as my personal distress, apparently friend had gone in there crying and I suspect vet was doing his best to comfort him in that respect.

New vet was able to offer me support and comfort, she explained exactly what the process with my dogs treatment was, what her initial diagnosis and prognosis is. I had more input in 20 minutes with her than a week of blank from other vet.

I realise this is proably unique, but I've known this man years. This really is about as far as I can take this friendship though and I think best for all of us.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

If you, based on what you've told us, feel you were treated like a disgruntled ex and / or a prostitute, then no one on here can help you.

I honestly have no words for you and I expect this is an issue beyond your comprehension and I'm happy to leave it there. I'm glad the issue has been resolved now and we can get on with our lives in relative peace. Thanks. (

kylith

Deleted User wrote: »

He did care about you. What, you think he paid the bill for absolutely no reason? He did it because he saw how much you were struggling. That's what friends do. Real friends. They don't just sit there idly by and give you random statements to make you feel better. They actually do something to help you feel better. And he did this by paying the bill.

I dunno, OP, it just seems like you lost a friend that was really worth keeping ...

Real friends also don't do things without discussing them with you.

This guy just decided to pay her vet bill without saying a word and then contacted the vet daily to get information on the dog; possibly leading the vet to think that the dog was his, then not passing the information on the dog along. I wouldn't call that friendly, I'd call that overbearing bordering on controlling.

A caring friend would call the dog's owner to enquire about the dog, not place themselves above the owner by calling the vet directly. A caring friend would drop in a card with money in it towards the bill, not assume to just walk in and pay for everything; again placing them above the dog's actual owner with the vet.

I lost my own dogs recently and in situations like that, well, it's like your child. I wanted to take care of everything myself; they were my dogs, I took care of them and if anyone had decided to just assume responsibility then expect me to thank them for it they'd get very short shrift. You feel powerless enough when a pet is ill that anyone taking more power from you is incredibly upsetting.

LegacyUser

Ok. Want to thank you all for your help. I realise friend was trying to help but I understand now that it's just because he is my dogs best friend. He really does love her a great deal, so much so that it just surpasses our friendship (which actually has me in tears thinking about) so, I've contacted him and asked him to come visit his friend. I think he understands what went wrong but I will be laying down some ground rules and just won't be dealing with his vet ever again and at least with new vet there's the opportunity to start again afresh and do it right this time. Thanks for all your advice, really appreciate it. (Even the crappy bits)

cocker5

Personally i find the whole things odd...

Firstly your friend paying the bill without discussing with you first...
the way the vet treated you...
and then your behaviour... the entire thing is odd.

if it were me I would have taken my issues up with the Vet and spoken to him like an adult and demanded to know what the situation was with MY dog and if he was vague... then I wouldn't have left the surgery until he treated me with respect and like the dog's next of kin, ie giving you the information you wanted...

i hope you dog make a full recovery

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

1: They accepted payment from your friend.
2: They informed your friend of details.

Is there something I'm missing?

You also asked the friend to stop contacting you and ended the friendship because he did something incredibly nice for you?

... what?

A lot actually. He didn't do something nice for me, he did something amazing for my dog. That was his primary concern and I get that. What he never considered at any time was me, and completely omitted my existence when dealing with these things. As kylith has explained, when it is your dog, it is as much your child as it gets and being left out of my dogs care was extremely upsetting, not least because I wasn't considered relevent enough to be considered. That's pretty harsh.

In contrast, New vet has offered me support and comfort, advise and assistance that just wasn't on offer to me otherwise. That alone has taken a huge amount of anxiety away and I feel like we (me and my family) are being looked after in the best possible way.

Friend acted and thought later, without ever considering me once. Vet is someone I'll gladly never have to deal with again, and I suspect he thought this was a custody case and treated it as such. (Giving friend precedence and rights to that effect)

CaraMay

Dogsbestfriend wrote: »

I honestly have no words for you and I expect this is an issue beyond your comprehension and I'm happy to leave it there. (

Your sarcasm is unwelcome. Frankly this is one of the more bizarre threads I've come across on here and it is beyond my comprehension that you feel like a prostitute because (a) your vet didn't keep you up to date and (b) and friend paid your dogs bill. Thanks yourself

lyinghere

Maybe when the dust settles it will all seem less dramatic ????

Niaveee

I think you are hugely over reacting. I think your issue lies predominantly with how unprofessional your vet is. Your friend did a really nice thing, maybe somewhere along the lines you discussed the huge costs involved and your friend took the opportunity to help you out.

You really are reading too far in to this. The thing that hurt you the most was the friend saying its between himself and the vet. I Presume the friend set up a payment plan with the vet and that's why he didn't want to go into detail with you about it. Or refuse his offer of paying.

As for the vet calling your friend.... It's a business at the end of the day he's following the money!!!!

How do you know the vet was giving detailed updates to your friend? Why are you so sure that your friend got information that you didn't, he said he spoke to him daily but I highly doubt he was filling the friend in on all this secret info and you were just being told " the dogs doing better today"

I think you sabotaged your relationship with your vet yourself. From reading your posts I can imagine the hostility you had towards him. His reaction to you when you went to collect the dog was prob in defense due to your attitude.

The vet prob thought he was doing the right thing communicating with your friend as you clearly stated you were so stressed and upset about the dog,
The friend and the vet were prob acting in your best interest.

It's sad how an act of kindness can be twisted and manipulated in to something more sinister.

SteelyDanJalapeno

I find it odd the amount of people who think the friend is great for paying for the vets bill, but then they totally ignore the fact that he wanted to be contacted 1st and then didn't pass on any information to the op at all.

For those of you without a dog, replace the dog in this story with a child in IC and you cannot see them at all, and your friend is getting daily updates and not sharing with you.

madness

TGJD

Has anyone stopped to consider that the vet was contacting the friend simply because he was paying for everything. As such any updates on additional treatment go to him to let him know how much money he owes the vet.

LegacyUser

TiltedBrain wrote: »

I find it odd the amount of people who think the friend is great for paying for the vets bill, but then they totally ignore the fact that he wanted to be contacted 1st and then didn't pass on any information to the op at all.

For those of you without a dog, replace the dog in this story with a child in IC and you cannot see them at all, and your friend is getting daily updates and not sharing with you.

madness

some people just have way too much time on their hands.

Friend has apologised. it's a long story but I will come back and update when I get the chance, will fill in the gaps and everything will make sense.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Your sarcasm is unwelcome. Frankly this is one of the more bizarre threads I've come across on here and it is beyond my comprehension that you feel like a prostitute because (a) your vet didn't keep you up to date and (b) and friend paid your dogs bill. Thanks yourself

I wasn't being sarcastic at all, I just haven't a clue why your angry. I mean I understand why I'm upset, I'm dealing with a real life situation here but your just someone having an opinion on something that doesn't really affect you.
I did thank you for your input though because you know, it probably takes a lot of effort to sit there and express yourself so vehemently. And it does make me feel a little bit better. Thanks.

Chocolate fiend

Where does it say the vet was telling the friend information that the OP was not getting?

Tokyo

Ok everybody (OP, that includes you), rein it in a bit. The posts in this thread are certainly not the standard we expect or allow in the Personal Issues forum, and any more sideswipes form either direction will result in infractions being handed out.

Regards,
~Mike

Rubberchikken

op
i'm glad your dog is with a vet that you're happy with. i do understand the anxiety when a pet is unwell. they are, in our house, a family member and deserving of the best treatment so i can see where your anxiety came from.
i don't understand your friend's behaviour and it's totally your call if you wish to discontinue this friendship. that's part of life.

wishing your dog a speedy recovery.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Ok everybody (OP, that includes you), rein it in a bit. The posts in this thread are certainly not the standard we expect or allow in the Personal Issues forum, and any more sideswipes form either direction will result in infractions being handed out.

Regards,
~Mike

I remember now why I left boards. I will admit I did laugh inwardly at some of the comments on this thread but only because there was so much outrage in it that it's difficult to imagine people like that really exist. In a way that's kind of reassuring and it makes things make sense. Can't manage to get down to that level myself and will gladly leave you guys to it.

Neyite

Mod:
Ok OP, you've indicated that you are done with this thread so I'll close it. If you want it reopened, just let us know.