Work Crush

LegacyUser

Hi All,

As the title states: I have a crush on a guy at work - I can't stop thinking about him.

Are work relationships the worst idea in the world?

A bit of background: I work in a situation where there are alot of men and this guy in particular is pretty popular - he gets on with all the guys and I have lunch etc with them and usually it is the usual - "boys talk" - ya know ...sex, women, taking the p*ss out of everything - they are pretty graphic and can be vulgar - but it is usually all in good fun and all in all they are a funny bunch.

Problem is that i fancy this guy - lets call him Peter - who is really the loudest of them all - the most popular and the funniest (not my type at all - ya know loud and all that - but I can't explain it). I think he likes me too. We don't socialise outside of work and we are rarely even alone together - it is always just on lunch as a group and I don't work directly with him - but we work in the same department.

He does live near me and we have bumped into each other a couple of times - and there is definitely something there.

i mean I really like him - but are work hook ups the worst idea in the world??- especially in situations where the guys are always joking about sex and all sorts.

Anyone have any experience of something similar?

CaraMay

It sounds like a really bad move for many reasons. He sounds very immature and is likely to talk to your and his colleagues about your hook up. This guy seems to treat women badly and there is no reason to think you would be any different. On top of that work is work and it's not prodessiknal to be hooking up with colleagues.

There are plenty of guys out there

dara_con

Take it from a guy, he doesn't deserve you if he's going to go off ranting about your hook up to 'the lads'. This person isn't a man, he's a boy. He sounds extremely immature and from that I can say in the long run if you hope to have anything, chances are it won't last. Harsh but true.

Ask yourself, what's to stop him moving onto to another girl next week?

OneOfThem

Go for it. You wanna ride him? Ride him.

Compu Global Hyper Meganet

dara_con wrote: »

Take it from a guy, he doesn't deserve you if he's going to go off ranting about your hook up to 'the lads'. This person isn't a man, he's a boy. He sounds extremely immature and from that I can say in the long run if you hope to have anything, chances are it won't last. Harsh but true.

Ask yourself, what's to stop him moving onto to another girl next week?

Where do you get the impression that he would go off ranting about the hook up? The OP has clearly stated that there is a lot of lads chat; that doesn't mean that he is demeaning women in his life or is even being indiscreet; just talking about sexual things in general terms for humourous effect. The OP can clarify this though.

Also OP, what type of a guy is he? Funny and loudish, but is he a nice guy all things considered? Are there other women in the office that you talk to? If so, what do they think of him?
What sort of industry are you in- is it regimented with bosses and employees. If he is "above" anyone in the hierarchy, how does he treat the people under him? Are there any older employees there (around pension age)? It's worth seeing how he treats them, as well as staff (secretaries, receptionists etc) who don't have any authority over him. I knew plenty of seemingly nice colleagues who treated admin staff badly. Conversely, I knew lots of colleagues who seemed unpleasant, but went out of their way to help the people "lower down" in the organisation.

Some people seem to think that workplace romances are a bad thing, but working with someone gives you an opportunity to see what they're really like, as opposed to shouting in your ear at a club or something. Think about the questions I have asked above, get opinions on this guy from others in the office and if you really like him and think that he's a good guy, then let him know and assume that he will treat you with respect. Just make sure that he is available before you say anything!

Detached Retina

Two of my three long term relationships were with guy's I worked with. They were both good relationships but came to a natural end after 5 years each, I got transferred after the 1st one, the second I had to continue working for 2 years with the guy so was painful sometimes after that I was working there, particularly when he went on a date with a new coworker. Two of my current co workers married each other and are really happy,though current job discourages relations between staff - though we are an older bunch,so most aren't single anyway.
If you end up getting along so well that you did forge something of a proper relationship would be ok, if you didn't get sick of looking at them. Could be dodgy if it was just a hook up.
You might want to check your employee handbook/company policy on relationships in work. Some companies discourage it big time, some are ok with it.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Peter is a very intelligent and definitely and treats everyone very well - i mean there is p*ss taking - but everyone takes it in good humour - i mean he is very out going and always trys to make new people feel welcome etc - The other women in the office would consider him as the funny guy - i mean he isn't a player - as he isn't lets say conventionally good looking - but for me if someone is funny - I just can't help myself!

So yes, the women in the office wouldn't consider him a player - more of a messer and a bit mad, I suppose.

my fear is that if anything was to happen that the boys would just make life hell! I dunno - is boys banter - just that - i mean would boys ya know generally be respectful (after a while)?

The more I think about it the more it seems like a bad idea - mixing work and relationships - which is just upsetting really cos I really like him - and I'm pretty sure he likes me too - stupid work crushes.

I think I will just have to blank it out some how

Compu Global Hyper Meganet

help101 wrote: »

OP here.

Peter is a very intelligent and definitely and treats everyone very well - i mean there is p*ss taking - but everyone takes it in good humour - i mean he is very out going and always trys to make new people feel welcome etc - The other women in the office would consider him as the funny guy - i mean he isn't a player - as he isn't lets say conventionally good looking - but for me if someone is funny - I just can't help myself!

So yes, the women in the office wouldn't consider him a player - more of a messer and a bit mad, I suppose.

my fear is that if anything was to happen that the boys would just make life hell! I dunno - is boys banter - just that - i mean would boys ya know generally be respectful (after a while)?

The more I think about it the more it seems like a bad idea - mixing work and relationships - which is just upsetting really cos I really like him - and I'm pretty sure he likes me too - stupid work crushes.

I think I will just have to blank it out some how

I think you should be wary either way to be honest. It may be easier to just say that it could be a bad idea, but at the same time he could be the guy for you! I used to have the "no workplace romances" attitude myself. Then one day I examined my life and realised that most of my best friends were in meaningful, long term relationships with people who they met at work - in a few cases married with children.

So don't disregard this guy entirely. You have said that he's nice to everyone (in his own way) and that you think he likes you too. You also said that he isn't conventionally handsome, which leads me to believe that it may be more than a crush on your part.

You also need to bear in mind that, for most people, workplace friendships are a means of casual chat and passing the time rather than anything meaningful. It's likely that he has "real" friends outside of work, and these are the people that he might mention you to, as opposed to the people he is forced to socialise with at work. It's also likely that he would be discreet if he was to do anything with you; for the benefit of his own work prospects.

If there is any way for you to spend time alone with this guy, take it. It's the only way to be sure that your feelings are reciprocated. If it becomes clear that he does like you back, say to him straight out that you like him, but don't want the lads in the office to hear about it. If he likes you, they won't be told!

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

It sounds like a really bad move for many reasons. He sounds very immature and is likely to talk to your and his colleagues about your hook up. This guy seems to treat women badly and there is no reason to think you would be any different. On top of that work is work and it's not prodessiknal to be hooking up with colleagues.

There are plenty of guys out there

dara_con wrote: »

Take it from a guy, he doesn't deserve you if he's going to go off ranting about your hook up to 'the lads'. This person isn't a man, he's a boy. He sounds extremely immature and from that I can say in the long run if you hope to have anything, chances are it won't last. Harsh but true.

Ask yourself, what's to stop him moving onto to another girl next week?

What??? Has the OP edited her posts since these replies or something? Nowhere does she indicate that he treats women badly, what a ridiculous conclusion to jump to.

CaraMay

Ibarelycare,

He's the loudest of the group of guys who seem to constantly talk about women, sex etc and seems to be very graphic and vulgar (op's words). I would run a mile from a man who talks about women like this and more so in a group of colleagues. He speaks like this about other women so why would you expect the op to be treated any differently.

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

Ibarelycare,

He's the loudest of the group of guys who seem to constantly talk about women, sex etc and seems to be very graphic and vulgar (op's words). I would run a mile from a man who talks about women like this and more so in a group of colleagues. He speaks like this about other women so why would you expect the op to be treated any differently.

She also said it is in good fun. Plenty of people (men AND women) have vulgar and graphic conversations about sex in general amongst their peers. It doesn't mean that they disrespect those that they care about or go into specifics of sex with their loved ones.

CaraMay

ibarelycare wrote: »

She also said it is in good fun. Plenty of people (men AND women) have vulgar and graphic conversations about sex in general amongst their peers. It doesn't mean that they disrespect those that they care about or go into specifics of sex with their loved ones.

Sound to me like they are talking about (specific) women and sex with them. Any who....

MagicMarker

CaraMay wrote: »

This guy seems to treat women badly

What utter nonsense.

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

Sound to me like they are talking about (specific) women and sex with them. Any who....

You're presuming that, OP mentioned no such thing.




OP when you say there is "definitely something there"...what do you mean? Like, how can you tell he likes you? And what would you like to come of it? A hook up or a relationship? Either way, it is a big risk to get involved with someone you work with.

Yea.. I'm also in the camp of being bemused at suspecting that the guy has no respect for women. As ibarelycare says, both men AND women engage in these conversations, yet it's only when men do it does it mean that they have no respect for women ...

Anyway, OP, you've mentioned a work hook-up, which, to me, means that you just want to have sex with him. Maybe I'm reading this wrong? As ibarelycare asked - what exactly makes you think there is something there? What is it like when the two of you meet outside of work?

Something you could possibly do the next time you bump into each other is ask him for a coffee, see how it goes. Then maybe escalate it to a drink somewhere. And then ... who knows?

Work relationships/hookups can either be unbelievably good or unbelievably bad, regardless of the joking that you say is going on. The real question you have to ask yourself is .. could it potentially be worth it?

DoYouEvenLift

A lot of people ITT need to learn that not all women deserve respect just like not all men deserve respect. Everyone should of course be treated with respect and courtesy but actually being respected isn't an automatic privilege, it is something that is earned.

dara_con wrote: »

Take it from a guy, he doesn't deserve you if he's going to go off ranting about your hook up to 'the lads'. This person isn't a man, he's a boy. He sounds extremely immature and from that I can say in the long run if you hope to have anything, chances are it won't last. Harsh but true.

Ask yourself, what's to stop him moving onto to another girl next week?

Can you elaborate on this? You know him? You know OP and what/who is deserving of her?

Ande1975

Ah bloody hell, some of the responses on this thread are completely over the top.

OP, what age group are these lads? Could just be immaturity and acting 'big' around friends but usually lads like these behave differently when they are on their own.
I worked in a place where there was a team of 5 twentysomething guys and 2 girls. The girls complained a lot about the tone of the conversation. All these lads had girlfriends but when they got together, they acted like idiots. It was actually quite funny to watch.
As for workplace relationships? Previous place I worked for a long time produced at least 10 married couples and some couples that don't work out. It happens...
I'd go for it OP but get to know the guy on his own first and see how he is...

Good luck

giggle84

I met my boyfriend in work and we still work together. For us it's great because it worked out, if it hadn't it might have been horrible working together! So I think you have to consider the risks and worst case scenario and decide if you want to pursue him anyway. I previously kissed a colleague in another job and it was really awkward afterwards because he was a jerk about it in work. So it can go either way!