Politely refusing wedding invitation

mr j tayto

I have recently recieved an invitation to wedding from a relative.

I have not spoken to this person in the last couple of years,due to family problems.

I dont want to just point blankly refuse the invitation and appear rude in the process. I was wondering if anyone can advise on the best way to word my refusal and not leave myself open.

P.S There is no chance of rectifying the problems within the family, they run too deep.

Grateful for any advice offered.

Thanks.

NewCorkLad

Sorry cant come Im on holidays, have a great day.

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

Thank you for the invitation but unfortunately I am not available.
Wishing you both the very best on your big day.
Mr J Tayto.

I wouldn't get into reasons or anything.

mr j tayto

Thought of that,but it's a bit too short. I was thinking I might write 2 or 3 lines, as well as wishing them a great day.

Miaireland

Thank you for your kind invitation to your forthcoming wedding. I regret that I am unable to attend due to a prior commitment. I hope you both have a wonderful day.

Best wishes,

zinzan

Get a 'Wedding regrets' card, make an excuse. Done.

mr j tayto

Thanks guys appreciate your input.

BrianBoru00

Ok so my reading of the situation:
#1 There was some sort of family dispute and bad blood exists and you haven't spoken to the person in question.
#2 The bride/groom is inviting you as an "olive branch"
#3 You don't want to appear rude so it would seem you would like to speak with this person again
#4 You're decision is based on the probable reactions of other family members

If #3 is not true then just send bog standard I cannot attend - thank you.

I would send them a "Good luck" / Wedding card with something along the lines of :
Dear xxxx, Thank you so much for the invitation - it meant a lot. I feel given the circumstances over the past couple of years, I cannot attend but I would love to meet up for coffee or a chat sometime after the wedding.

Yoyrs
J Tayto

shadowcat

Is there any chance that the invite was their way of mending bridges? I wouldn't say much more than sorry I can't make it, something else booked blah, blah, blah as anything more could make you come off as the bad guy. Weddings bring out all sort of emotions at the best of times, more so if there's been a rift, so best to say as little as possible lest more be read into it. Best of luck with it.

mr j tayto

Ok so my reading of the situation:
#1 There was some sort of family dispute and bad blood exists and you haven't spoken to the person in question.
#2 The bride/groom is inviting you as an "olive branch"
#3 You don't want to appear rude so it would seem you would like to speak with this person again
#4 You're decision is based on the probable reactions of other family members

#1 Correct,but not just that person, there were several people involved and I am sure most,if not all of them, will be there.
#2 Don't think so, one of them ignored me completely at a recent funeral. I think they would like to portray me as the "baddy", by not attending.
#3 Not particularly, see no2
#4 No,not really. I havent seen or spoken to 4/5 of them for some time now and to be perfectly honest,I prefer it that way. My life has become much easier since they are no longer part of it.

As said in point#2, I think they would like to make me out as the problem in all of this family matter and refusing the wedding invitation without good reason (in their minds) would play right into their hands. That's why I was trying to configure a good reply whilst still being polite.

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

Curious as to why they would have invited you to a wedding if they refused to speak to you at a funeral. Are they very close family? If so then the reply should be different.

mr j tayto

"Curious as to why they would have invited you to a wedding if they refused to speak to you at a funeral. Are they very close family? If so then the reply should be different."

I think it's being done to show themselves as being the decent type who hold no grudges,and when i refuse ,then i become the big bad wolf, justifying their position as being honest brokers,( which believe me, is so far from the truth that it's almost laughable,if it was'nt so cynical).

Letter writing would'nt be my strongest forte, hence my request for a nice response without letting myself down.

Cheers, and thanks for your response.

BrianBoru00

mr j tayto wrote: »

Ok so my reading of the situation:
#1 There was some sort of family dispute and bad blood exists and you haven't spoken to the person in question.
#2 The bride/groom is inviting you as an "olive branch"
#3 You don't want to appear rude so it would seem you would like to speak with this person again
#4 You're decision is based on the probable reactions of other family members

#1 Correct,but not just that person, there were several people involved and I am sure most,if not all of them, will be there.
#2 Don't think so, one of them ignored me completely at a recent funeral. I think they would like to portray me as the "baddy", by not attending.
#3 Not particularly, see no2
#4 No,not really. I havent seen or spoken to 4/5 of them for some time now and to be perfectly honest,I prefer it that way. My life has become much easier since they are no longer part of it.

As said in point#2, I think they would like to make me out as the problem in all of this family matter and refusing the wedding invitation without good reason (in their minds) would play right into their hands. That's why I was trying to configure a good reply whilst still being polite.

Well if that's the case then as suggested above, a simple reply is going to be the best option. If you feel there are ulterior motives, the more you say in a letter = more rope to be honest so leave it that would be my advice.

mr j tayto

Yeah, I think a nice card 2/3 lines wishing them well will do the job without appearing rude.
As you say, the more I put in, the more rope for them etc.

Sunny Dayz

If you think they are inviting you trying to get a rise out of you and to use your refusal to attend against you - you gotta kill them with kindness!!


Have your reply worded that you're so sorry you won't be able to attend, enter excuse [prior commitment, holiday etc]. Then a few lines about how you are disappointed you won't be able to share in their special day with them, you hope they have a brilliant time and you look forward to hearing all about it and seeing all the photos after.


Remember at some weddings that they read out a few cards from those unable to attend so make sure your excuse is kinda true. But if your card is all nicey nicey there's not much for them there to bitch and moan about.

mr j tayto

Sunny Dayz, I like your style!!

That's exactly what I'll do, kill em with kindness and sicken em at the same time.

jlm29

mr j tayto wrote: »

Sunny Dayz, I like your style!!

That's exactly what I'll do, kill em with kindness and sicken em at the same time.

If you really want to kill with kindness, don't forget to send a thoughtful present too! They may have actually hoped you would come do the neighbours wouldn't notice/speculate about a family feud!

mailforkev

Just politely say you can't go and wish them all the best.

Don't get into making up excuses as all you will be doing is creating something that might possibly trip you up in the future. An excuse is not required.

Those type of lies have a habit of coming back to bite you on the arse.

Sligo1

Use the holiday excuse. Then actually go and book a lovely holiday for yourself somewhere hot and drink sangria on the beach all day. Best excuse ever! The send them a photo of you drinking said sangria and giving them a toast

Milly33

Just say no I don't think people expect anything more than a yes or a no.. If tis family too they may have as such just invited you as you are family so you never know maybe they wont be bothered

the_syco

mr j tayto wrote: »

#4 No,not really. I havent seen or spoken to 4/5 of them for some time now and to be perfectly honest,I prefer it that way. My life has become much easier since they are no longer part of it.

Life is too short to give a sh|t about some people. It seems they'll mark you down as a baddie once you don't go, so why bother trying to be nice?

Amoureux

Just remember that you could send the nicest and most kind letter ever, but if they really want to portray you as the baddie then they probably won't even tell anyone about your lovely letter, your efforts will probably be in vain.

Milly33

Well said no matter what you do if that is the case it wont mean anything to them anyway so don't worry about it

eviltwin

Just a simple no with a line or two wishing them well is enough. Any more than that and it looks like you're trying to hard to be nonchalant. I wouldn't go into detail of why you can't go either, they don't need a reason. They know there is bad blood, you do too, why try and pretend you regret not going when you don't.

stickybookmark

Mr Tayto you haven't said if an RSVP card was enclosed with the invite or not??

I invited an old family friend to our wedding who we haven't seen in years. There was a falling out a few years ago and my invite to them was an olive branch. I got the RSVP card back with the box ''Regretfully decline'' ticked and their name written in the space where you write your name, that was it. I thought it was polite enough that they replied in good time (although not straight away as that would seem rude with a No!) and were decent enough to actually send a reply.
I was hoping they would accept the olive branch (it wasn't me that was involved in the fight, but other family members who would defo be at my wedding) and they chose not to but I'm hoping it may have paved the way for a future patching up at least.

In your situation I totally agree with the poster who said don't give enough rope to hang yourself. I suggest if there's an RSVP card you send it back with the No box ticked like that person did to me. I wouldn't write anything on it.
Surely there's an RSVP card?

mr j tayto

Surely there's an RSVP card?

No, there is no RSVP card. Just a date to reply by, written in by pen!

I really don't think they honestly expect me to turn up, it's just a pretence on their side, so they can say that "we asked him and he did'nt come"

I've decided to politely refuse with a short "best wishes" etc. Less said soonest mended and all that. (nothing left to mend here though)

Spanish Eyes

I'm a dab hand at regretfully not being able to attend. I don't do weddings unless it is my immediate family. Sorry folks, I am just not able for weddings where I don't know many people and have to make small talk all day. Just me, but there we are.

"hi Mary and Joe,

Thanks so much for the very thoughtful invite to your forthcoming wedding. I will not be able to attend, but I hope that you and your family and friends have a wonderful celebration on the day.

Enclosed is a gift for you both to celebrate your wedding.

Thanks again, and wishing you both health and happiness as Mr and Mrs!

Best wishes.

Spanish Eyes"