Is it ok for your partner to spend the night in anothers room?

terence135

I want to ask your opinion on something. Is it ok for your partner/wife to spend the night alone with another man. In his bedroom (not bed - maybe a spare bed), or just alone in the house for the night. Maybe a spare room. The man in this scenario is a single friend of my partner. I do trust her, my problem is that I think that scenario is very disrespectful in a committed relationship, it really does bother me and I am not in any way comfortable with it. I have tried to not let it bother me but it really is. I have not experienced it in past relationships.

3DataModem

Depends massively on the situation. There's no "catch all" answer.

kylith

Is there a reason you find it disrespectful if you trust them both that nothing is going on?

magicmushroom

Well, I wouldn't like it.
Why does she want or need to spend a night in his room anyway?

LegacyUser

My husband spends a couple nights a year sharing hotel rooms with a female friend and I stay in a male friends house once a year when I go to visit but context is everything. My husband is obsessed with a band whom I have little interest so when they go on tour him and one of his best friends who is female and also obsessed with the band usually follow them for a week and they've shared hotel rooms doing so. I don't find it disrespectful but then I trust both of them 100% and I've no issue with it. I'd prob have more issue with them wasting money getting separate hotel rooms. I have gone with them the odd time but I'm just not into the band, they are both in the fan club and meet up with loads of other fans, I can see the fun they all get out of it but it's not my cup of tea. I went to college in another country and I go back once a year to catch up with folk and stay with one of my best friends who is a guy. Over the years I've gone from crashing on his couch to having a spare room when he moved house and now I stay with him and his fiancé, she never had an issue with me staying with him even before they were living together. The three of us jokingly call their spare room 'my room' and they emailed me picture when they repainted it asking if I liked it. It would be really silly of me to spend the money on a hotel when I can stay with my friend for free and we are going to spending all our time catching up with our college group. My husband has come a few times and my friend has come stay with us several times, in fact him is due over the end of August, but like the band, our college meet ups tend to be nerdy and focused on interests my husband isn't overly into.

You say it bothers but why? Whats the context here? Is he an ex boyfriend or someone who has admitted having feelings for your partner or your partner has admitted to having feelings for? I don't think you can tell your partner who she can and can't be friends and stay with but if your really so un-comfortable then you need to talk to your partner to sort out why and find a place where you don't feel so bothered. if your just uncomfortable because you think women in relationship can't have male friends well that's I'm sorry your issue to work out not hers.

Dave0301

magicmushroom wrote: »

Well, I wouldn't like it.
Why does she want or need to spend a night in his room anyway?

If they are platonic friends and you trust her, staying at his house should be no issue.

If they are platonic friends, staying in the same room is just weird unless there are extenuating circumstances.

bp

I have done it when my male friend was going through a crisis, my hubby had no issue when I texted at 2am to say I was staying. But the male in question has been my friend since nappies and there is zero physical attraction between us.

It really depends on the circumstances

pookie82

Does she not clarify if it's in the same room or not? Are we talking repeated sleepovers or just one recent one?

IMO if they're sharing a bed it's a bit much. If she's in a spare room, and it's necessary to be there (he's going through a tough time, she needs to be close to work for the next day etc.) then maybe it's acceptable, but if they're sharing a bed that's taking the piss a little. Sleeping next to one another is pretty intimate for members of the opposite sex if one of them is otherwise engaged, I think.

Even if he only has one bed and she needs to stay he should give it to her and take the couch.

baby and crumble

I've been with my partner nearly 12 years now, and I have lived with both men and women throughout that time, I've shared hotel rooms with my ex (boyfriend, so obviously the ship has sailed on that since I came out, but still) and neither my partner nor his wife have had any issues. Likewise, I have slept in the same bed/ room as female friends (both gay, bi and straight) and so has she. FFS my gf is bisexual so if I got my knickers in a twist about stuff like this she'd have zero friends and zero nights hanging out with anyone other than me!

If you trust them both, it shouldn't be an issue. Even asking the question shows you don't trust them. That's a bigger issue that "respect" or whatever else you think is going on.

Sorry if that's harsh.

xual

Yes... Indeed yes. But when no one else is around to check.

If a tree falls in the woods and so on.

walkingshadow

terence135 wrote: »

I want to ask your opinion on something. Is it ok for your partner/wife to spend the night alone with another man. In his bedroom (not bed - maybe a spare bed), or just alone in the house for the night. Maybe a spare room. The man in this scenario is a single friend of my partner. I do trust her, my problem is that I think that scenario is very disrespectful in a committed relationship, it really does bother me and I am not in any way comfortable with it. I have tried to not let it bother me but it really is. I have not experienced it in past relationships.

You have massive trust issues.

xual

Is it ok for your partner/wife to spend the night alone with another man. In his bedroom (not bed - maybe a spare bed), or just alone in the house for the night. Maybe a spare room.

Not sure which room. You won't get to know either. I would totally be banging any woman who stayed in my room. I'm not being rude. Straight up are we this naive

baby and crumble

xual wrote: »

Not sure which room. You won't get to know either. I would totally be banging any woman who stayed in my room. I'm not being rude. Straight up are we this naive

And if she's in a committed relationship? Are you really that irresistible? :rolleyes:

xual

baby and crumble wrote: »

And if she's in a committed relationship? Are you really that irresistible? :rolleyes:

Its is funny how people interpret things . I'm certainly no disco Stu. The point is two people are alone. As long as they keep the secret it can happen. You are only alive for a certain number of years days and minutes. Are you going to waste that precious time doing what you other people think you should do OR are you going to do what you want?

Bottom line, in every case where people think they can get away with it they do it. People loot during riots, people dodge tax/bin/water charges if they can, people scam if they can and yes people cheat when they can. Happens everyday of the week, it is happening all over the world right now and it will happen again and again.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

walkingshadow wrote: »

You have massive trust issues.

Slightly unfair, given the context. Only the most secure of people wouldn't give this a second thought. I would've thought it'd bother 95% of people to at least some degree.

Meauldsegosha

Myself and my male best friend have often stayed in each other's house alone. It's not a problem for either of our partners, they trust us both 100%. My friend and I were invited to a wedding of a mutual friend last year, our partners weren't. We shared a hotel room to keep costs down (flights were expensive) and because of a mix up we shared a bed. We told our partners about it but they were fine with as they knew nothing would ever happen between us.

If you feel uncomfortable about OP you should talk to your partner about and examine why you don't trust her around this other person.

baby and crumble

xual wrote: »

Its is funny how people interpret things . I'm certainly no disco Stu. The point is two people are alone. As long as they keep the secret it can happen. You are only alive for a certain number of years days and minutes. Are you going to waste that precious time doing what you other people think you should do OR are you going to do what you want?

That's pretty cynical. At the risk of derailing the thread, I don't think that's what most people think, at all. I've been in plenty of situations where i could have cheated, as I am sure my partner has also. We chose not to- because while sexual gratification feels great, in the long run, it's NOT what I want, not at the cost of my relationship. I think a large number of people in monogamous relationships feel the same. I just don't want the OP to assume that everyone in the world wants to have sex with whatever randomer they happen to be alone in the room with.

If you trust them, then does it matter? You need to give us more context, otherwise we can't really help you. You gave us different scenarios, some perfectly fine, some less so but still reasonably fine. Which exactly is the one you have a problem with? I've often shared beds with female friends with zero happening. Some of these were in relationships.

walkingshadow

My girlfriend goes out with her friends, several of whom are single, straight guys, and often spends the night in their flats, sometimes even in the same bed, but I trust her.

MadDog76

terence135 wrote: »

I want to ask your opinion on something. Is it ok for your partner/wife to spend the night alone with another man. In his bedroom (not bed - maybe a spare bed), or just alone in the house for the night. Maybe a spare room. The man in this scenario is a single friend of my partner. I do trust her, my problem is that I think that scenario is very disrespectful in a committed relationship, it really does bother me and I am not in any way comfortable with it. I have tried to not let it bother me but it really is. I have not experienced it in past relationships.

You've answered your own question .......... it is disrespectful, so of course you're not comfortable with it therefore no, it's not ok.

Maurice Greene.

terence135 wrote: »

I want to ask your opinion on something. Is it ok for your partner/wife to spend the night alone with another man. In his bedroom (not bed - maybe a spare bed), or just alone in the house for the night. Maybe a spare room. The man in this scenario is a single friend of my partner. I do trust her, my problem is that I think that scenario is very disrespectful in a committed relationship, it really does bother me and I am not in any way comfortable with it. I have tried to not let it bother me but it really is. I have not experienced it in past relationships.

You have every right to be uncomfortable. For most people, I think that this scenario would be inappropriate, myself included.
If my partner insisted on doing this when I told her it didn't feel right with me, I would just end it and move on.
You can't make her do something against her will and the fact that this goes against your principles, you are better off with someone else that has similar standards as yourself.

LegacyUser

Maurice Greene. wrote: »

You have every right to be uncomfortable. For most people, I think that this scenario would be inappropriate, myself included.
If my partner insisted on doing this when I told her it didn't feel right with me, I would just end it and move on.
You can't make her do something against her will and the fact that this goes against your principles, you are better off with someone else that has similar standards as yourself.

Without a lot more context it's a bit of jump to say end things. The OP is very vague - his other half could be staying in the same house, spare room or same bed in his post and he gives no explanation why this is happening or what the relationship between them all is.

What if she's working and it's a 2 hour commute home and the friend offered her his spare room for the odd overnight....this might sound far fetched but I've a friend crashing on my sofa right now whose got a 2 hour commute home every night so every few weeks he crashes at our place, I know he's crashed at other friends places on occasion including single female friends and his wife doesn't have an issue with it. She'd have more issue him spending money on a hotel when friends have offered. What if the male friend has broken his leg and needs some help for a night? What if he's had his wisdom teeth out and was told not to be alone while on high pain medication. What if he lives beside the airport and OP's partner has a super early flight. One of my best friends came and stayed with me when my dad died....there are far too many WTFs and without that context no one can really say if the OP is right to take offense or has trust issues he needs to work on.

milli milli

walkingshadow wrote: »

My girlfriend goes out with her friends, several of whom are single, straight guys, and often spends the night in their flats, sometimes even in the same bed, but I trust her.

Wow you really trust your girlfriend!
What about the other lads? Do you trust them?
I can't say I'd be comfortable with this situation. Late night, drinks taken, inhibitions lowered, same bed.
I have to hand it to you, there's no way I'd be comfortable with this.

OP you need to clarify if it's same room or same house.
I wouldn't mind the same house, would be uncomfortable with the sane room and would definitely draw the line at the same bed. That's totally disrespectful.
That's way too intimate for my liking

OldMrBrennan83

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ihavenoname3

Patww79 wrote: »

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I wouldn't say that, I would say avoid being with someone who gets so drunk she cheats on you with any tom dick or harry she finds herself in bed with.

OldMrBrennan83

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ihavenoname3

Patww79 wrote: »

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what about if it was an attractive girl, and her not so attractive very overweight male friend who she thinks of as a brother?

iusedtoknow

My wife spends several nights a month on call where she sleeps in a room at a hospital known as a place where doctors hook up with each other. Often there is a guy in there with her. No issues with that.

She currently is on the way somewhere and there was a mix up with hotels, and she's in a hotel room with a guy. No issues with that either as she told me and I trust her, and she also recently texted me about the guys snoring.

The question is...do you trust your girlfriend. This most likely more about you than her.

OldMrBrennan83

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ihavenoname3

Patww79 wrote: »

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I agree about the lack of respect and class but do you think the attractive girl would have sex with the overweight guy who she thinks of as a brother? I dont think she would.

OldMrBrennan83

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ihavenoname3

Patww79 wrote: »

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I think you have a very biased view of women, I know some can cheat but I don't think they are all untrustworthy, id say its the minority that will cheat, if they have been brought up right they are likely not going to cheat.

OldMrBrennan83

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DukeOfTheSharp

Look, the issue here is that it makes you uncomfortable. It's not about trust, it's about respecting the boundaries of a relationship. If you don't feel like that's something that should be done, then that's your right to say. If she has an issue with that, that's her problem. I don't think it's too much of a huge ask to say 'look, you know I trust you - and this isn't about trust, it's about respect. I don't feel comfortable with you staying in a room with another man, I don't care who it is. The same way I'm guessing you wouldn't want me staying in the same room/bed as another woman.'

At the end of the day, why stay silent when you're uncomfortable, if she cares she'll take your feelings into consideration, and it's not a big deal - in fact, it's pretty much general etiquette to not do exactly this. Some people won't have issues with it, that's their thing, they equate this kind of situation to trust, and they're comfortable with it. But you don't have to be. I'll put it to you like this: I couldn't care less if the person I'm with talks to other men, hangs out with other men, whatever. But staying with them? Nope. Just nope. I don't care if they think it infringes on their freedom, I know for a fact that if the tables were turned, they'd be unhappy and uncomfortable with the idea, I trust them, they trust me, but placing unnecessary stress on your relationship isn't ok. Sit her down and have an actual conversation with her about how it makes you feel. If she's got an issue with you feeling that way, if it becomes a big issue where she brings in trust, simply say 'this isn't working out, you're not even trying to understand how I feel'. Because it's not about trust, again, it's about respect. It's not jealousy, it's just plain discomfort. Relationships survive on compromise, when you're in a relationship, unless explicitly discussed, you don't pull crap like this without asking how it'll make the other person feel. To do so is the height of selfishness and disrespect. And consider this: if you did something your partner wouldn't like, would you listen to them and accept it, making the appropriate alterations (within reason) to the situation to alleviate their discomfort?

MrWalsh

Anyone who would be uncomfortable with this is someone who couldn't be trusted themselves.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest but then again I could be trusted 100% in this situation. I don't automatically think that if I'm in a room alone with a member of the opposite sex that its game on and frankly, it's disturbing that people would have that mindset.

Sligo1

No no and no. Im probably going to get slaughtered for this. But no I don't think its ok in any context unless absolutely extenuating circumstances. It's not about trust or control or whatever. It's about respect. And for me (not everyone) it would be massively disrespectful. I would never have another man stay in our bedroom or our bed. My husband would not like it and I sure as hell wouldn't like it if he had another woman staying in our room. And tbh, I think it would set the wrong example for our children. Thank Christ he has no female friends! .

However, if it were a case that he did have a female friend from years ago. I would find it ok if she came to stay at ours in a spare room while I was there.

Now, this is just my opinion and what works for us. I'm not saying everyone is going to be the same. So hopefully I don't get insecure and trust issue comments thrown at me. Lol. If I do they will literally go completely over my head .

rcarroll

sharing a bed, no...staying over and sleeping on the couch/floor etc, depends on the situation and relationship - old friends is fine, or if I'd met them before I'd be happier...but personally, I've slept over at peoples houses and invited people to sleep at mine cos they had no way of getting home or whatever, and there was nothing involved and no ulterior motive. However, I do place a lot of trust in people and I don't know, people have commented that guys can expect it to mean more