Friends angry because I don't drink

LegacyUser

Hi everybody,

I just got kicked out of a house party because I was sober. I was told by my "friends" that I'm a freak for not drinking and that I would be better off partying in a graveyard (there is one adjacent to the house) with the other sober people. I realise they were heavily drunk and may not have meant it, but I strongly believe in the idea that people say what they really feel when drunk. Maybe not to the extent that they wanted me in a graveyard, but that my sobriety bothers them.

This isn't the first time that I've been given s**t for choosing not to drink, and I doubt it will be the last. I don't really mind being around people when they drink, or are heavily drunk, but somehow it bothers people that I don't join in.

What should I do? Should I confront my friends or should I let it go? Is it normal for a person to be ridiculed for choosing not to drink? I'm disgusted, and this time I feel like a line has been crossed, but I'm really confused about what the appropriate action is.

chickenlicken2

"Friends" is about right OP.

This is quite a common attitude and it's really dreadful. I remember many years ago one of my group not drinking on a night out. The reaction was horrendous. Literally "are you pregnant, on antibiotics, driving?". No? Well why aren't you drinking? Then the talking about her behind her back, quite obvious eye rolls and whispering behind hands, calling her boring or no craic. Really vile behaviour.

These are women in their 30s not teenagers straight out of school. I addressed it the following morning and just said it was none of their business why she wasn't drinking and whatever her reasons were had nothing to do with them and they basically needed to behave better.

Confronting or ignoring.How receptive do you think they would be to confronting them about this? Are you close friends OP? What kind of age?

If you were to meet one of the group and say out straight that you felt their behaviour was rude and hurtful. But as above, if they are likely to eye roll and pole fun, are you wasting your energy?

I believe there is a non drinkers forum on here they might give you some advice as sadly this behaviour is quite common.

John368

It looks like the Op should pick the people she hangs out with a bit more carefully. This is not normal behaviour towards people who chose to drink non-alcoholic drinks of an evening.

Ave Sodalis

John368 wrote:

This is not normal behaviour towards people who chose to drink non-alcoholic drinks of an evening.

Although what the OP experiences is a step further, this type of attitude is very common. There's a thread on AH about it and very few of the nondrinkers said they've experienced no hassle due to it.

OP, you have awful friends. I don't drink either. I've gotten a bit of stick about it; pressure to drink, being told I'm dry, people being reluctant to go out with me after finding out. However, a sharp reminder that I'm actually better craic than they are as I don't need alcohol to have fun usually quietens people down again. I've never been thrown out of a party but I'm not surprised you were. I am disgusted that it was your "friends" though. You can be guaranteed that they were insecure at the thought of you not drinking.

If you want to remain friends with them (I wouldn't but I understand that you may want to), then you need to sit down and firmly tell them that you will not put up with that sort of behaviour. You need to tell them that not drinking doesn't mean that you're boring and that their behaviour was completely unacceptable and crossed a line.
I would just get new friends though.

Nondrinkers are something of a shock in our culture, and due to it not being understood, it isn't receive well at all. It doesn't mean you should stop OP. Most people get over the shock of it and end up continuing on as normal. My friends realise the value of a sober friend when they don't have any memory of getting home.

readyletsgo

Ditch those 'friends' and find new better friends. I'm guessing you are late teens early 20s OP?

I'm a drinker, 2 times a week, but my God I would never give anyone stick for not drinking, that's just weird and insecure.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of talking to them about it and just ditch them and move on with your life. The cheek, kicking you out of a party? Because you don't drink? WTF like. Odd group.

There are much better people out there, drinkers and non drinkers. Get to know them instead.

jopax

Hi op,

They don't sound like real friends to me, drunk or not its no way to treat a friend.

My advice would be to try to find new friends that aren't that nasty, to me they just sound like bullies.

Its an absolutely nothing short of disgusting the way they behaved.

I hope you move on from them and find some genuine friends.

MrWalsh

It makes drinkers examine their own motives when they encounter a non drinker.

I do drink but I spent a year not drinking and I experienced a similar attitude many times.

Basically you need more respectful friends.

kylith

Unfortunately this isn't an uncommon attitude, which usually dies out after college. People who are drinking heavily, basically, don't want someone around who is sober because they think that this person is judging them, and also remembering what they got up to while drunk for potential slagging later.

All you can do, really, is to tell them that you won't be drinking, they're not going to be able to 'shame' you into drinking, and if they have a problem with that there are lots of much more accepting people out there.

Sunny Dayz

Yeah "friends"!
Think you need to find some new friends, friends wouldn't behave like that, no matter how drunk they were. I have a few friends who don't drink for various reasons and not once have any of the drinkers in the group behaved like that towards them!


I think you hit the nail on the head "my sobriety bothers them". It's them with the problem, not you.

baby and crumble

OP I don't drink that much, and hardly ever if I'm out (I just think it's a total waste of money, much rather splash out €70 on a nice bottle of whiskey I can drink on my own terms at home!) and I have had some weird reactions but none as harsh as what you've outlined- that's definitely over a line for sure.

TBH I'd be cutting my losses and maybe not getting rid of them completely but definitely refusing to go out partying with them if that's their attitude. I've come to the conclusion over my 15 years of being legally able to drink but never really doing so that some people genuinely don't understand how someone can enjoy themselves without drinking. It's like the root of it is some sort of jealousy or something, that some people can genuinely go and enjoy themselves without altering their mood chemically. Who needs that **** in their life?

LegacyUser

Op I think you should get new friends, seriously what ages are we talking about here.
If you don't want to drink don't be pressurised into doing it.

Magicmatilda

I don't drink and while I have had questions about it I have never experienced a eaction like that, so I would say it is not common.

Generally I find that when people are uncomfortable with my not drinking, really they are uncomfortable with their drinking.

These poeple are not friends and if I were you I would distance myself from them. It sounds like they are very young? Perhaps you should focus on meeting more like minded or just open minded people.

baby and crumble

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Generally I find that when people are uncomfortable with my not drinking, really they are uncomfortable with their drinking.
.

That is actually it all in a nutshell.

freshpopcorn

I'm actually going to make a different point to the people here.
I've experienced non drinkers as night clubs/house parties with some of the serious party animals and they didn't care. Nobody batted an eyelid.
I've also experienced non drinkers who act like they have a halo and keep on ranting on about it.
So, how your act around people plays a part in it.

mfceiling

They're not your friends...

gline

Wow, ridiculous behaviour by your so called "friends". What age are we talking about here? Not that that is an excuse. Time to get new friends I think. I've been out on many a night out without drinking and never experienced any harsh comments like that, usually just people offering you a drink. I'd say confront them about this behaviour and if no satisfactory apology comes about, move on.

LegacyUser

Hi everybody,

OP here. A lot of you have been asking what age we are, I am 18 and the others in my social group who were at the party are between 17 and 19. To be honest I still don't know whether this should be the final straw, and I should cut them out of my life, or else just talk to them and try to work things out.

Lots of messages from some of the girls this morning, asking where I was, why I left. I can't really tell if they really don't remember (it's not uncommon for them to drink to unconsciousness on nights like last night) or whether they're just being cute with me to try and avoid a falling out.

I really appreciate all of your support. To answer the person who made the comment about the "halo" I do try to have fun and most times I do, but nights like last night something just seems to snap in some of my friends and they start to gang up on me. I don't really believe that I deserve to be treated that way.

MrWalsh

sober and confused wrote: »

Lots of messages from some of the girls this morning, asking where I was, why I left. I can't really tell if they really don't remember (it's not uncommon for them to drink to unconsciousness on nights like last night) or whether they're just being cute with me to try and avoid a falling out.

Reply and tell them that you were forced out by them and their appalling behaviour.

Address it as though they were sober and remember everything. Drink is no excuse for how they behaved, its no excuse to be nasty no matter what.

baby and crumble

TBH OP, knowing they're 17-19 explains a lot. Everyone (and I include myself in this) wants to fit in somewhere when you're that age- and sadly in Ireland most of what teenagers feel they should be fitting in doing is drinking at the weekends/ all the time.

I wouldn't necessarily cut them out- but in all fairness, do you want to be close friends with people with what I would see as a pretty different outlook on how to spend their free time?

I think you should be honest with them, and tell them exactly what you told us- that they told you they wanted you to leave because you weren't drinking. Be honest and tell them that its your choice as to what you do or do not put into our body, and leave it there.

Flippyfloppy

Op when I was around 25 I kept off drink as I was having some horrible medical issues. My 26-27 year old friends couldn't handle it, were calling me 'dry' and kept filling up my empty wine glass wherever we were (because they were getting to the stage that drinking on weekdays was 'compulsory')

I could imagine them as 17-19 year olds throwing me out of a party like your so called friends did last night. I just didn't have the same sense when I was 18 as you evidently do now! Well done you, stick to your guns , and at the age of 18 you've loads of time to meet like minded people who respect their health and bodies.

PinkLemonade

sober and confused wrote: »

Hi everybody,

OP here. A lot of you have been asking what age we are, I am 18 and the others in my social group who were at the party are between 17 and 19. To be honest I still don't know whether this should be the final straw, and I should cut them out of my life, or else just talk to them and try to work things out.

Lots of messages from some of the girls this morning, asking where I was, why I left. I can't really tell if they really don't remember (it's not uncommon for them to drink to unconsciousness on nights like last night) or whether they're just being cute with me to try and avoid a falling out.

I really appreciate all of your support. To answer the person who made the comment about the "halo" I do try to have fun and most times I do, but nights like last night something just seems to snap in some of my friends and they start to gang up on me. I don't really believe that I deserve to be treated that way.

OP, could it maybe just be one or two people picking on you, and the rest of your friends were too drink to realise that it was bullying rather than friendly banter?
Its not nice you were picked on, and you should talk to the friends you do still trust about it. It doesn't sound like they all meant to hurt you but take note of who of your friends is a nasty drunk and avoid them as much as you can in general, but especially at parties

Magicmatilda

I agree that you should tell them exactly why you left.

Maybe they drink to unconsciousness regularly and maybe that is acceptable in that age group but it is deeply unhealthy.

I would recommend trying to find new hobbies that will widen your social circle Sport, a language, cooking, drama, whatever you are into. I wouldn't cut them out but I would given them a wide berth and making sure they know how horrible and hurtful their actions were.

Del2005

Wait till you start driving and they come looking for lifts when drunk, they'll be your best buddies then, and tell them you don't like drunk people in you're car so get a taxi.

rainbowtrout

sober and confused wrote: »

Lots of messages from some of the girls this morning, asking where I was, why I left. I can't really tell if they really don't remember (it's not uncommon for them to drink to unconsciousness on nights like last night) or whether they're just being cute with me to try and avoid a falling out.

.

Just tell them what happened. If they don't know/can't remember, there is no option for them to change. If you continue to be friends with them and they don't know, it could happen again and you will probably drift away from them anyway.

Keep it simple and to the point "I was not drinking at the party, you said I was a freak, you asked me to leave the party because I wouldn't drink"

It should be enough to get the message through if there is any decency in them.

uck51js9zml2yt

Tell them straight why you left, but shuld also be looking for new friends...you dont need to be in the company of the current group.

keithclancy

I wouldn't explain anything and just not bother wasting any time on them.

Not your friends.

zoobizoo

Hey

At that age some people think that it's the only cool thing to do.. .. When I was that age, I didn't do much else, much to my regret. Image is everything and there is an Irish "everyone does what the group does" as baby crumble said above.

I wouldn't cut them out (if you like them) but I'd put a limit on the amount of time I'd stick with them on a night out. When they start getting drunk, leave but don't make a scene about it. Don't say goodbye to anyone but just do an Irish goodbye.

I go out sober the odd time and I know when I night turns from enjoyable to drunkeness and mess.

Be your own person.

You just seemed to have matured quicker than your pals.

languagenerd

Hey OP,

I'm a few years older than you and don't drink. I've never been kicked out of anywhere but I have had a few arguments with people who couldn't let it go ("But why? Oh come on, have one! Why wouldn't you?... She's just watching us all now...").

People have this perception of the non-drinker as someone who's abstaining for moral reasons and thinks they're superior, who's judging everyone else. I think it comes from the Pioneer movement's legacy tbh, but I've only ever met one person who was like that and I don't like being out in the same group as him either. Unfortunately, if you don't drink, you sometimes have to prove to others that you're not like that. I find the second night out with new groups is always fine; the first night, some people are a bit suspicious or on edge, expecting you to comment on their drinking habits (which is almost never about you personally, it's based on their own insecurities or the image they have of teetotallers). When you don't act that way, they relax and forget about it.

But I would tell your "friends" exactly why you left and I wouldn't be keen on talking to the main offenders again. The problem is almost certainly their own issues but don't put up with that sort of crap. You deserve better than that. It's upsetting to be treated like that and, drunk or not, it's bullying.

If you don't care what's in anyone else's glass and you're not commenting on anyone's drinking habits, then you should expect the same courtesy from them not to mention yours.