Kissed someone drunk and told my BF

bowloforanges

Hi Guys,

Looking for some advice.

I was going out with my BF for 2 years. He had raised concerns over my drinking but I had dismissed them before as I didn't want to admit at the time that I have a problem with drinking and because I had assumed I was so committed to him that I would not let anything happen.

I went out one night and blacked out the night after reaching the nightclub. From what I do remember, I had a bottle of wine before heading out, tequila shots, and was told that I had nearly a bottle of whiskey straight when I got home. Anyways long story short, I found out that I very briefly kissed/shifted a random guy to which I have no memory of.

I told my BF as I value honesty above anything and knew that I would want to be told in the other situation. My friends said not to but I didn't listen. I told him how sorry I was and that I wanted to get help with my drinking because it was my fault that I put myself in such a situation. He broke up with me and hasn't wanted to speak to me in the 3 months since. He said he can't trust me despite my honesty and willingless to get counselling for my drinking. Instead of giving him space, I tried to beg him to change his mind - stupid I know.

I have cried every single day. I still can't eat/sleep/socialise properly and it's been 3 months. I've just started taking anti-depressants and my friends don't want to be around me not that I can blame them. Starting counselling next week

I don't know how to I can get over how much I have hurt him by telling him this and that I had to lose him over something that was such a stupid and meaningless mistake.

Does anyone have any advice or something to help make this easier? I only seem to feel worse cause each day is now a reminder of what a **** up I am.

Thanks,
Sarah.

LegacyUser

I don't know how to I can get over how much I have hurt him by telling him this and that I had to lose him over something that was such a stupid and meaningless mistake.



Was it though? Or was it the final straw for him? He had spoken to you about your drinking, presumably for good reason.

Just try to move on, focus on yourself and getting well. Are you in any alcohol treatment?

LegacyUser

Get yourself dried out and sorted for the alcohol dependency first, then approach him with the new you.

bowloforanges

He had minor concerns early on in our relationship but we are both in our early 20s and my friends are also heavy drinkers so he later apologised for being overly concerned. Clearly he was right to be concerned, I was in denial about my drinking before this incident. I have so much shame and now he thinks so little of me as a person. I'm starting counselling next week.

Jimbonmmmmmm wrote: »

I don't know how to I can get over how much I have hurt him by telling him this and that I had to lose him over something that was such a stupid and meaningless mistake.

Was it though? Or was it the final straw for him? He had spoken to you about your drinking, presumably for good reason.

Just try to move on, focus on yourself and getting well. Are you in any alcohol treatment?

LegacyUser

For now you need to let him go. You can never persuade someone to stay with you. They either want to or they don't. If they don't, and you do somehow manage to talk them round it will only last briefly. You messed up. Big time. You seem to have taken it as a huge wake up call. Continue with your recovery and focus on you, not him.

Who knows, if it's meant to be, it will be. But it will not happen next week or next month, or even in the next 12 months. Your problem with alcohol could take years for you to fully overcome. You can't risk begging him back with loads of promises when you can't be certain you can keep them. Take the opportunity to get yourself sorted. Once you're sorted you can then see is if there is any chance of beginning a new relationship with him. But by then you may have moved on yourself.

lazybones32

Anyone who cheats on me is gone. No exception; no excuse.

He didn't break up with you because of your drinking, or because you're seeking help. He broke up with you because you cheated. I perfectly understand his reasoning if he wants no more to do with you. Accept and respect his standards and boundaries.

bowloforanges

lazybones32 wrote: »

Anyone who cheats on me is gone. No exception; no excuse.

He didn't break up with you because of your drinking, or because you're seeking help. He broke up with you because you cheated. I perfectly understand his reasoning if he wants no more to do with you. Accept and respect his standards and boundaries.

I asked for advice on how to move on. I don't know how to try forgive myself. I have accepted his decision to end our relationship.

orthsquel

bowloforanges wrote: »

He said he can't trust me despite my honesty and willingless to get counselling for my drinking.

The issue probably wasn't anything to do with honesty or sorting yourself out, it was about the drinking, the lack of self control having had alcohol and possibly too, putting yourself in a position of not having a clear idea of what did happen on the night, except for fuzzy bits.

You said your friends are heavy drinkers..... the fact that your life has drastically changed in not sleeping, eating and socialising and that they are not there for you - unless you are out drinking, which with anti-depressants I assume you are not - then that would indicate to me perhaps they are your drinking buddies as opposed to actual friends.

bowloforanges wrote: »

I don't know how to I can get over how much I have hurt him by telling him this and that I had to lose him over something that was such a stupid and meaningless mistake.

You need to learn from the experience. It's the hard way to learn, but you're aware now that some things can cost you dearly. I think while you feel genuinely remorseful and guilty about what happened, as well as very regretful it did happen, you are beating yourself up a lot with this. At least you were honest about it, in telling your ex. You could have kept quiet about it and forgot about it until perhaps one day someone mentioned it, or out of guilt months down the line over it, you told him then.

While you have every right to feel bad about your behaviour and negative consequences, it is accepting those consequences will help you. OK you lost your boyfriend, you feel he thinks little of you and you feel ashamed of yourself and your behaviour as a result, and you feel like you have hurt him badly. The flip side is that you are now much more aware of your drinking and potential negative effects and consequences from direct experience, you have already got yourself help in dealing with how low you are feeling in anti-depressants, and you have a huge opportunity in turning your life around from how it was to how it can be.

You sound more committed to tackling your drinking issues, getting counselling for that - stick with it, follow that through. You're on a great start already, but you don't need to berate yourself every second of every day.

Have you other friends or family you can talk to or confide in? tbh I think the lack of support from your friends and the fact that seem to have disappeared because you're not out clubbing should give you a welcome breather from drinking in general and allowing you to explore other activities and interests.... and you have the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It sounds to me like you feel that you yourself are not worth forgiving at all, but you have to understand that for you to heal and forgive yourself, it's about looking at your behaviour, realising its impact on others, acknowledging that, doing something about it in changing it, and allowing yourself to come to terms with it. Beating yourself up about it all the time isn't going to help you heal at all, it's going to make you feel worse about it, and at some point you have to stop beating yourself up over it. It isn't going to be healthy for you in the long run and will most likely hinder any progress, that rather than asking for additional help, you self-medicate, or where you "fall off the wagon" you discourage yourself in being so hard on yourself you don't see the point in trying anymore. In a sense, you really need to draw a line under the entire experience, to not wallow in it, to not hurt yourself anymore over it in being so hard on yourself, so that you can move on and forgive yourself.....otherwise it is walking the line of self destruction.

Give yourself time. Be focused and committed to yourself in helping yourself in sorting yourself out and in making more of your life than what it was. Even if you feel now that the wake up call was an expensive one that cost you a lot in your ex, be glad you got it at all. At least you have heard it... some people don't, and as a result don't care about whatever it costs them.

ihavenoname3

bowloforanges wrote: »

I asked for advice on how to move on. I don't know how to try forgive myself. I have accepted his decision to end our relationship.

Hi op, I often find myself telling my mates to forget about things they have done while drunk, that they are mortified over, then when I do something stupid myself I have to take my own advice. look you didn't kill anyone, im sure even your ex has made mistakes.

you are not a bad person, best of luck:)

Katgurl

Oh you poor thing OP. I've done some very silly things when drinking when I was young and like you, had to take a long hard look at myself. It was not fun!

I'm sorry your boyfriend has broken up with you and your friends are not supporting you.

It's gonna be a long road back with the counselling etc but it will be worth it.

Give yourself a break now. Most people get to brush away their mistakes. You've paid a heavy price for yours. The important thing is you've u-turned off the road you were on and have lots to look forward to.

CaraMay

You move on by never cheating on anyone again. You need to keep yourself busy and get out as much as you can. You will get over him and it looks like you've learned your lesson. Well done op

LegacyUser

In short,You need to sort yourself out first before trying to get back with him. Trust takes months if not years to build up and can take only seconds to destroy. Give him space and go to your counselling sessions.

LegacyUser

I was once in your boyfriend's position, in fact other than the length of relationship I though it was me and her you were writing about. When the final straw came, I could get past the kissing another bloke with a little work and time.

What I couldn't let go was the fact that I had told her a number of times that her drinking was a problem for us and for her and was going to cost her in the long run. She had lost friends and fallen out with family and her career and health were suffering, but still she kept drinking and denying. After too many cancellations, wasted hangover days, too many limitations on where we could go because it had to involve drink, too many fights revolving around drink, between her and almost everybody, after too long looking at her making decisions to support her drinking, I had to let go. It wasn't easy, but it was the only way.

From his perspective, I suspect that's where he is now. He's seen the inevitable result of a drink problem and he's seen you deny it and probably try to make him think he was overreacting any time he raised the issue. I'm pretty sure he's staying away because he doesn't want to be dragged in and possibly also because staying away might make you seek help. It seems to have worked, but for God's sake keep going at addressing the problem and worry about anything else when you've done that. Best of luck with it.

ncmc

bowloforanges wrote: »

I only seem to feel worse cause each day is now a reminder of what a **** up I am.

You're not a **** up, you're a human being who made a stupid mistake while drunk. You aren't the first and you certainly won't be the last. I think it is few among us that haven't done something we regret while drunk. Unfortunately for you, this drunken mistake had had life changing repercussions, but you have to forgive yourself for this. You have gotten into a cycle of self flagellation and that is getting you nowhere. It sounds like you're a good person who did a bad thing. It's time to move on from this.

bowloforanges wrote: »

I have cried every single day. I still can't eat/sleep/socialise properly and it's been 3 months. I've just started taking anti-depressants and my friends don't want to be around me not that I can blame them. Starting counselling next week

I'm glad you are seeing a counciller about this, because it does sound like you have spiralled into depression about this. However the part about your friends not wanting to be around you jumped out at me. Friends should be there through thick and thin. You are obviously at a low ebb and I find it callous that they are distancing themselves from you. You mention they are also heavy drinkers, I wonder if the only thing you have in common is drinking. Maybe they are distancing themselves from you because you aren't drinking any more.

bowloforanges wrote: »

I asked for advice on how to move on. I don't know how to try forgive myself. I have accepted his decision to end our relationship.

You've learned a hard, hard lesson and unfortunately it will just take time to move on. Don't let this experience be in vain, if it has brought to light that you need to cut down or give up alcohol, then it hasn't been a total waste. I hope in time you come to forgive yourself for this and are a better, more self aware person because of it. Be good to yourself OP.

DivingDuck

bowloforanges wrote: »

I told my BF as I value honesty above anything and knew that I would want to be told in the other situation.

OP, firstly I want to say that I really admire and respect this decision. It was courageous and generous and shows great strength of character. You absolutely did the right thing; your boyfriend deserved the truth, and you would have been weighted down with the guilt if you hadn't.

To be honest, I think him ending your relationship was the best thing for both of you. You need time and space to get your head straight and make the best of the help you have so sensibly reached out to get. This will be trying and difficult, and it will much easier to do this as a single person who doesn't have to worry how their journey is affecting their partner.

You have made the smart decision to acknowledge and tackle your drinking problem, and I wish you every success for it. While I completely understand your boyfriend's decision to end the relationship, please do not think you are a terrible person. You made a mistake, as many people do. Unlike many people, you owned up to it, and are taking the steps to ensure you will not make such a mistake again. That makes you fallible and human-- but a strong and decent one who is honest and tries to make amends for their errors. In this life, that is the best any of us can hope for.

Maybe at some point down the line, after you have sorted yourself and your situation out, yourself and your ex will come together again. If you do, your relationship will be better for it. If not, you will still be in a better place than if you were still drinking and lying to your partner, so never doubt that you did the right thing.

The only way to move on is to move forward. Progress with your counselling and your anti-depression meds, and trust that time and space will help you. It's the easiest thing in the world to beat yourself up for your mistakes, so you will have to try to be strong and accept that once a mistake is made, all you can do is go from there the best you can.

You have made really great choices so far, both in being honest with your boyfriend and in seeking treatment for your problems, so stay on that track and eventually you will find that you no longer feel as bleak and hopeless as you do now. I am really glad your counselling starts soon, as it should help you to talk things out with someone qualified who can help you see things from a different perspective.

Good luck. I really wish you all the best and that you get the outcome from this situation that you need.

Starokan

Forgive yourself op that's really all you can do. Kudos for being honest about it and coming clean, if there was no risk of being found out most would not have been as forthright.

It was a drunken kiss , yes it was wrong as you were with someone but you have beaten yourself up enough about it now. Time to move on, the best thing you can do here is think of yourself and have a complete clean break from your ex, no texting, no apologising, nothing , move onwards and upwards.

It's time to let this go completely as in give it no headspace at all , no more talking about it, if anyone mentions it just tell them your over it

MadDog76

walkingshadow wrote: »

Mod note: Post removed.

I thought RULE NO. 1 was never to kiss or have sex with someone other than your boyfriend/girlfriend?

bowloforanges

orthsquel wrote: »

The issue probably wasn't anything to do with honesty or sorting yourself out, it was about the drinking, the lack of self control having had alcohol and possibly too, putting yourself in a position of not having a clear idea of what did happen on the night, except for fuzzy bits.

You said your friends are heavy drinkers..... the fact that your life has drastically changed in not sleeping, eating and socialising and that they are not there for you - unless you are out drinking, which with anti-depressants I assume you are not - then that would indicate to me perhaps they are your drinking buddies as opposed to actual friends.



You need to learn from the experience. It's the hard way to learn, but you're aware now that some things can cost you dearly. I think while you feel genuinely remorseful and guilty about what happened, as well as very regretful it did happen, you are beating yourself up a lot with this. At least you were honest about it, in telling your ex. You could have kept quiet about it and forgot about it until perhaps one day someone mentioned it, or out of guilt months down the line over it, you told him then.

While you have every right to feel bad about your behaviour and negative consequences, it is accepting those consequences will help you. OK you lost your boyfriend, you feel he thinks little of you and you feel ashamed of yourself and your behaviour as a result, and you feel like you have hurt him badly. The flip side is that you are now much more aware of your drinking and potential negative effects and consequences from direct experience, you have already got yourself help in dealing with how low you are feeling in anti-depressants, and you have a huge opportunity in turning your life around from how it was to how it can be.

You sound more committed to tackling your drinking issues, getting counselling for that - stick with it, follow that through. You're on a great start already, but you don't need to berate yourself every second of every day.

Have you other friends or family you can talk to or confide in? tbh I think the lack of support from your friends and the fact that seem to have disappeared because you're not out clubbing should give you a welcome breather from drinking in general and allowing you to explore other activities and interests.... and you have the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It sounds to me like you feel that you yourself are not worth forgiving at all, but you have to understand that for you to heal and forgive yourself, it's about looking at your behaviour, realising its impact on others, acknowledging that, doing something about it in changing it, and allowing yourself to come to terms with it. Beating yourself up about it all the time isn't going to help you heal at all, it's going to make you feel worse about it, and at some point you have to stop beating yourself up over it. It isn't going to be healthy for you in the long run and will most likely hinder any progress, that rather than asking for additional help, you self-medicate, or where you "fall off the wagon" you discourage yourself in being so hard on yourself you don't see the point in trying anymore. In a sense, you really need to draw a line under the entire experience, to not wallow in it, to not hurt yourself anymore over it in being so hard on yourself, so that you can move on and forgive yourself.....otherwise it is walking the line of self destruction.

Give yourself time. Be focused and committed to yourself in helping yourself in sorting yourself out and in making more of your life than what it was. Even if you feel now that the wake up call was an expensive one that cost you a lot in your ex, be glad you got it at all. At least you have heard it... some people don't, and as a result don't care about whatever it costs them.

Thank you very much for your detailed response.

I am trying to focus on the positive, that at least this finally made me realise I need help to control my drinking. I use to be a much heavier drinker so I had thought I was getting better but to be honest I've never tried to address the underlying reasons for my drinking.

It's easier to forgive yourself when its only you that you've allowed yourself to hurt but I find it too hard to try forgive myself for how much I hurt someone I love in such an unnecessary way. He is genuinely one of the most caring, decent people I have ever met. We were happy together and I ruined everything in the space of a few seconds.

I suppose its hard to try believe in yourself when the person who cared about you most can't believe in you. I can understand that he feels he can't be with me now but he said that he'll never want to be with me or let be part of his life again, it's too much.

I have good friends, it's not that they don't want to help it's more that they don't know how to help. They can't relate. They think I should just get over it and they don't think I have an issue with drink, they just see it as one mistake so for them, me getting over it is going out, getting drunk and having a laugh. I don't want to be around other people because I only feel worse for being this way.

alias06

bowloforanges wrote: »

I have good friends, it's not that they don't want to help it's more that they don't know how to help. They can't relate. They think I should just get over it and they don't think I have an issue with drink, they just see it as one mistake so for them, me getting over it is going out, getting drunk and having a laugh. I don't want to be around other people because I only feel worse for being this way.

Don't let your friends push you into drinking again. You would be better off now, at this point in your life, accepting that you have a serious drink problem, and resolve never to drink again. If some of your friends can't accept this, then you may have to loose them too. I know that sounds harsh, but if they don't support you in totally giving up drink, then I'm afraid you can't really be friends with them. Look at where alcohol has brought you. You lost the person you love and you are on medication for depression. See this as turning point in your life. This is your rock bottom. And its the beginning of the rest of your life, when you can replace alcohol with positive things like yoga, new hobbies, new friends, etc.

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up about it. It was a genuine mistake and it was a lesson you had to learn about alcohol. You are still a good person. Maybe someday your boyfriend will forgive you. But first you need to kick the drink and get well. Good luck. XX

Augme

bowloforanges wrote: »

I suppose its hard to try believe in yourself when the person who cared about you most can't believe in you.

It's far harder for someone to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. That's the first thing you need to fix because otherwise you'll find it a lot harder to have successful relationships.

orthsquel

bowloforanges wrote: »

It's easier to forgive yourself when its only you that you've allowed yourself to hurt but I find it too hard to try forgive myself for how much I hurt someone I love in such an unnecessary way. He is genuinely one of the most caring, decent people I have ever met. We were happy together and I ruined everything in the space of a few seconds.

I suppose its hard to try believe in yourself when the person who cared about you most can't believe in you. I can understand that he feels he can't be with me now but he said that he'll never want to be with me or let be part of his life again, it's too much.

I have good friends, it's not that they don't want to help it's more that they don't know how to help. They can't relate. They think I should just get over it and they don't think I have an issue with drink, they just see it as one mistake so for them, me getting over it is going out, getting drunk and having a laugh. I don't want to be around other people because I only feel worse for being this way.

I think most people will have done something in their lives that they are not proud of and would not want to admit to others. I know I have and I have hurt people too in the process. So you're not alone in what you have done here, and I know that it's not easy to just shrug off and "get over" the matter. There are lots of people out there who would make a mistake and the difference between people is that some will care that they have made the mistake and resulting consequences, and others will just not care at all. The fact that you're upset with hurting your ex is a good thing in itself, it shows at least at heart you have a conscience and care. By contrast your friends want you to "get over it" by means of coming out for a drink, drinking to forget, but not actually dealing with the issue of drinking behaviour and any underlying issues. Having a laugh, getting yourself out and about, being social, engaging in activities is healthy and productive as opposed to wallowing at home beating yourself up, however, the issue here is the drinking so I wouldn't really think drinking is really a good idea. I think you could try and engage your friends away from alcohol in some other activities, but I also understand that if one way or another an activity will include drink you might be tempted or under pressure. I know for them that they may not really understand what is going on with you, or may not know what to do to help you, and something of what you are experiencing may be too difficult to deal with for them, if their general answer to all life's problems is go out for a laugh drinking. You may need them as friends in a very different way, just in general support and being there, being understanding, but I don't know if they can give you that or not. But if they don't know what else to do or what can help them help you, then you need to vocalise what you need from your friends, to help you.

I think realistically your ex wouldn't want for you to be completely broken as a person or have you beating yourself up over it. He is probably honest in what he said, however, it is a harsh reality that there is no chance of being part of his life again, regardless. He probably would prefer you to understand that he reached his limit on what he could take with it all, and that should really be your cue in life to address it. That doesn't mean to say some time down in the future that you won't find someone else who you care about and who cares about you in a similar way, but acting on what has happened with your ex now and realising that a potential future is lost, prevents you experiencing the same situation with someone else in the future.... i.e. you won't have to repeat the experience to get the same message about your drinking and relationship. You'll have it sorted, and you will have moved on in life. And that would be a healthier prospect for you in the future, meeting someone but also knowing that drinking isn't going to be a disputed issue in a relationship, and not a reason for a relationship to fail.

Have you someone you can talk to about any bad feelings you have about all this? A family member, a counsellor, specifically if you are feeling guilty over what has happened? I think you should talk out how you really feel about the relationship ending with someone as it will be healthier for you in the long term to talk about it, rather than keeping it all in. But it probably will be the only way you will be able to deal with your feelings, by externalising it, rather than going around in circles of self blame and shame in your head. And you need to start telling yourself that you are a good person. Good people generally have a conscience, they feel bad about hurting someone and doing wrong, they actually care that they have done wrong to another, and generally give themselves a hard time over it. You may not feel like you're a particularly nice person, or a good person, but someone who got what they deserved, or who doesn't deserve to get past all this, who doesn't deserve forgiveness.... But you do. And while you may be feeling especially crap and low, you have to tell yourself you are a good person. If you feel you need to, to prove to yourself you are a good person, think of the amount of times you have done nice things for other people, or helped someone, or been thoughtful, kind or considerate towards someone, or even said something nice to someone to cheer them up, make them smile, or just because you could. I bet every day you could think of something or recall something positive and nice to say about yourself and just in a general way, it is no harm to sometimes recall in a day anything nice that you have done, consciously or subconsciously. Do that enough and you'll start to see you're not a horrible person deserving of the worst, but a nice person who deserves to have forgiveness for a mistake, and that forgiving yourself for the mistake is something you deserve too.