Mental Health & Relationship

LegacyUser

I have to keep this vague, as I know people who would frequent boards.ie so bear with me...

I was in a job until recently that I hated. I hated getting up in the morning and was stressed beyond belief all the time. I also met my now ex (we're both 25) through this job. After months of flirting and trepidation (both of us were hesitant having been hurt very badly in previous relationships), we finally got together earlier this year and it was as though I was falling in love for the first time all over again. Sparks flew, there were fireworks and angel chorus etc - it was the single best feeling I have ever felt when I kissed him for the first time, it was as though we were always meant to be together.

We were together for a short while (less than 6 months) and it was the kind of love you read about, and see in films. I had never been so happy in my entire life. We talked like we had been together for years - marriage, kids, houses, holidays, business - the works. We had a plan and we were going to have the most amazing life and support each other through everything. We had fun and we fought over silly things and made up and he just totally got me. I told him things I had never told anyone else and the sex was the best I have ever had in my entire life. I honestly thought I had found my soulmate.

I should mention at this point that his mother doesn't like me. I can't really go into it too much without identifying myself to anyone who might know the story, but basically she was very much against the relationship from the start and we never told her we were together as he was afraid she'd fly off the handle (she has some issues with her temper) and make his life difficult as he is currently living in the family home for financial reasons. I would have seen his mother quite regularly and I reckon she sussed it long ago but we never actually "went public" with the relationship as he didn't want to have to break it to his family that he had gone behind their back, as it was, with me and I didn't want to deal with the drama of his mother knowing. We were going to tell everyone at the end of July, but it was not to be.

At the end of April, the stress of the job and other situations in my life got on top of me, and I began to get really down and stressed and suffered really badly with anxiety and was having two, if not three, panic attacks per day - not eating, not sleeping, smoking loads of weed to try and relax and not really dealing with the problem - I've been through all of this before but was too stressed to see the warning signs again. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and am now in counselling and on medication to try and keep the panic attacks at bay.

Initially, my ex was really supportive and would call round after work for cuddles and text me constantly to make sure I was ok. I eventually ended up in a particular service for suicide and self-harm prevention, and he was really freaked by this and told me so.

What followed for the next two months was a constant battle of me trying to go to counselling and make myself better and simultaneously fighting constantly with my ex, breaking up and getting back together because he just stopped making an effort. Flat out, just stopped texting me back. I had to send about 4 messages to get a response, and at that, the response would be stilted and empty. I would beg and plead with him just to go back to normal and that's what I needed at that time was some normality and he would argue back that he didn't know what to do to make me happy and every time he looked at me in work I was bawling my eyes out crying and having panic attacks and he felt so helpless.

We would have a row on the Monday, it would drag on until Thursday, we'd make up and he'd come over on Friday and Saturday and we'd have sex and make up and watch TV or go to the cinema and then the same routine would start with the stilted texts on Sunday again. For six weeks I put up with it until eventually I managed to get another job and I left the job we were working in together quite suddenly. The last physical contact I had with him was when I left the job and he gave me a hug goodbye.

I've had sparse communication with him in the month since I left my old job. I texted him last week to ask him what he wanted to do and asked him why he was stringing me along and could we not talk about it. He wrote back after 8 hours to say that he didn't know what to do, that he loved me but he was worried about the fighting, and that he's busy. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he saw the message, but didn't reply. I texted him once more since then, which he also saw, but didn't reply.

I am in agony over this. Only for I have the new job, I would be lying in bed crying my eyes out because I am so heartbroken over this. My mental health destroyed what was possibly the relationship that would have made my life complete. My panic attacks ruined my life enough as it was, and now they've ruined my relationship.

It's been a week since I've heard from him and I'm assuming we're over. I can't deal with not having closure, but I have no idea where to go from here.

As outsiders looking in, did he just not want to deal with the mental health stuff? He knew all about it before we got together, so why he went running because of that is a mystery to me. I know that it's hard to deal with mental health problems, but you wouldn't go running from someone if you had a chronic illness and yet running because a) I'm a woman and b) I have mental health problems is ok. Has he simply picked his mother over me and not let me in on the decision?

I'm just a bit lost and want to break the silence and text him to say I miss him but I don't know if I should just leave him alone and never speak to the person I thought was my soulmate ever again.

Anyone ever been in a similar situation and can give me some advice??

MissFlitworth

Knowing that someone suffers with mental health issues doesn't always prepare you for the reality of dealing with it. I think a lot of people would have a very vague idea of what a panic attack actually is or how anxiety affects someone who suffers horribly with it. People can try their best when the a bad bout first kicks off for someone, to help them, but when it keeps going for months and months and nothing gets better it can be scary and feel like it won't end. None of which is your fault, but probably not his either. The comparison to physical chronic illness is a bit off, just because mental illness affects your behaviour and how you act in a relationship so much. It's not your fault that you were and are ill, but it was a relatively short relationship and sounds like a lot of how you were behaving

I began to get really down and stressed and suffered really badly with anxiety and was having two, if not three, panic attacks per day - not eating, not sleeping, smoking loads of weed to try and relax and not really dealing with the problem

would have been hard to deal with and commit yourself to long term. He doesn't know you long enough to know that there will be a time when you will be better.

Honestly I would say, get yourself to a good spot with your mental health issues. Where you can see them coming and have good coping mechanisms for them. And then, maybe, if you want to, get in touch with your ex.

pookie82

hardtosay wrote: »

As outsiders looking in, did he just not want to deal with the mental health stuff? He knew all about it before we got together, so why he went running because of that is a mystery to me. I know that it's hard to deal with mental health problems, but you wouldn't go running from someone if you had a chronic illness and yet running because a) I'm a woman and b) I have mental health problems is ok. Has he simply picked his mother over me and not let me in on the decision?

He may have known “theoretically” all about it before you got together, but knowing about something, and then first-hand experiencing it, are two very, very different things. You mention that during your last depressive bout you smoked a lot of weed. I’m sure you’re aware now that although at the time this self medication felt like a release, it was only contributing more to your fragile mental state. I’ve come across someone before suffering from mental health issues who turned to weed as a “release” and self medicated himself all the way to full blown psychosis and a hospital stint.

It could be that he resents what he might see as you contributing to your own illness by using drugs which weren’t controlled or prescribed during it.

All that aside even, mental illness is as terrifying/confusing for the OH as it is for the sufferer, and as noble and wonderful as it is to stick by someone who suffers with it, sometimes it’s simply just too much to bear. You can’t hold it against him if he wants to be free of what he sees as something neither of you can control. The truth is that without careful management (and sometimes even with) you’re liable to relapse again. What does that spell for him? It’s an unpredictability some people aren’t willing to live with, and that’s his choice.

Focus on rebuilding your own health, your own life, your new job, and accept that what will be, will be, here. It might be an idea to give him some space for a while, get your own life back together, and then show him, rather than tell him, in a few months that you’re in a good place and don’t need him as a support, but rather want him as a boyfriend. Whether or not he’s still free at that stage, or wants to go back there, is down to him. You have to accept that you can’t blackmail someone back into your life. Hounding him now for repeated clarification on what you are or where you stand when he’s telling you he doesn’t know will only push him away.

minalaury

I'm so sorry you had to go through the loss of a relationship on top of a mental health crisis. There are men out there who wouldn't bolt and the perfect match you've built him up to be wouldn't have bolted. So he wasn't right for you.

Faith

I'm a mental health professional. But when my OH was diagnosed with a mild depressive episode, it totally threw me - and we had been together for many years at that point. I found it incredibly stressful to deal with. I couldn't get away from it. I felt obliged to support him constantly, to the point where I didn't feel that I could talk about any issues I was having. I actually went to a counsellor myself, just to have someone to talk to. And from time to time, even I fell victim to thinking "Why can't he just cheer up?!".

I'm just telling you that to highlight that, no matter what the status of the relationship, it's incredibly difficult to support someone with mental health issues (much like debilitating physical issues, really). I'm sure he loves you very much, but it may just be too much for him. It sounds like he burnt out. I think the best advice has been captured by Pookie:

pookie82 wrote: »

Focus on rebuilding your own health, your own life, your new job, and accept that what will be, will be, here. It might be an idea to give him some space for a while, get your own life back together, and then show him, rather than tell him, in a few months that you’re in a good place and don’t need him as a support, but rather want him as a boyfriend. Whether or not he’s still free at that stage, or wants to go back there, is down to him. You have to accept that you can’t blackmail someone back into your life. Hounding him now for repeated clarification on what you are or where you stand when he’s telling you he doesn’t know will only push him away.

Best of luck with it, OP. It's a horrible situation for both of you to be in, but I'm confident that you can come out the other side if you focus on getting yourself better first.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Many thanks for your thoughtful and considerate replies.

I accept that it might have just been too much for him, but I think for him to go silent and not contact me at all is extremely harsh and frankly, it's totally changed my view of him.

I found out last night through a concerned friend that he was on Tinder, so this morning I activated my account (having closed it down when we got together) and found him within about 5 minutes of swiping and he was online, lovely photos up and no doubt chatting away to plenty of other girls. All the while, he still hasn't given me a straight answer to whether or not he wants to finish it (although the answer is fairly clear).

I feel so upset, and hurt and angry that he would stoop this low and have me find out that he's on poxy tinder from a friend. It's just soul destroying. I've done 12 weeks of counselling at this stage to try and get myself to a place where I don't hate everything about myself and my life, and the "man" who once told me he could never even think about having feelings for another girl because he loved me so much is now creeping on all the girls in Dublin and he hasn't even had the balls to actually break up with me.

All I want is that amazing love story that I thought we had and to have a life of food, travelling, great sex, unforgettable experiences and most of all, just to have someone that you can count on to have your back no matter what. Instead I'm beginning to feel that I was convenient for him, and that I was just a stopgap until he found something better, and he just said all of those things to keep me entertained. I've never felt so worthless in all of my life. I'm being painted as a crazy, psycho b1tch when the reality is that I couldn't cope with the anxiety and thoughts in my own head and actively went out and sought help to try and get better.

I feel like I'm right back at square one again. Sorry for the rant.

zeffabelli

hardtosay wrote: »

Hi folks,

Many thanks for your thoughtful and considerate replies.

I accept that it might have just been too much for him, but I think for him to go silent and not contact me at all is extremely harsh and frankly, it's totally changed my view of him.

I found out last night through a concerned friend that he was on Tinder, so this morning I activated my account (having closed it down when we got together) and found him within about 5 minutes of swiping and he was online, lovely photos up and no doubt chatting away to plenty of other girls. All the while, he still hasn't given me a straight answer to whether or not he wants to finish it (although the answer is fairly clear).

I feel so upset, and hurt and angry that he would stoop this low and have me find out that he's on poxy tinder from a friend. It's just soul destroying. I've done 12 weeks of counselling at this stage to try and get myself to a place where I don't hate everything about myself and my life, and the "man" who once told me he could never even think about having feelings for another girl because he loved me so much is now creeping on all the girls in Dublin and he hasn't even had the balls to actually break up with me.

All I want is that amazing love story that I thought we had and to have a life of food, travelling, great sex, unforgettable experiences and most of all, just to have someone that you can count on to have your back no matter what. Instead I'm beginning to feel that I was convenient for him, and that I was just a stopgap until he found something better, and he just said all of those things to keep me entertained. I've never felt so worthless in all of my life. I'm being painted as a crazy, psycho b1tch when the reality is that I couldn't cope with the anxiety and thoughts in my own head and actively went out and sought help to try and get better.

I feel like I'm right back at square one again. Sorry for the rant.

He's ghosting you.

It happens, it sucks.

He just can't deal.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/ghosting-dating-_n_6028958.html

Roquentin

hardtosay wrote: »

Hi folks,

Many thanks for your thoughtful and considerate replies.

I accept that it might have just been too much for him, but I think for him to go silent and not contact me at all is extremely harsh and frankly, it's totally changed my view of him.

I found out last night through a concerned friend that he was on Tinder, so this morning I activated my account (having closed it down when we got together) and found him within about 5 minutes of swiping and he was online, lovely photos up and no doubt chatting away to plenty of other girls. All the while, he still hasn't given me a straight answer to whether or not he wants to finish it (although the answer is fairly clear).

I feel so upset, and hurt and angry that he would stoop this low and have me find out that he's on poxy tinder from a friend. It's just soul destroying. I've done 12 weeks of counselling at this stage to try and get myself to a place where I don't hate everything about myself and my life, and the "man" who once told me he could never even think about having feelings for another girl because he loved me so much is now creeping on all the girls in Dublin and he hasn't even had the balls to actually break up with me.

All I want is that amazing love story that I thought we had and to have a life of food, travelling, great sex, unforgettable experiences and most of all, just to have someone that you can count on to have your back no matter what. Instead I'm beginning to feel that I was convenient for him, and that I was just a stopgap until he found something better, and he just said all of those things to keep me entertained. I've never felt so worthless in all of my life. I'm being painted as a crazy, psycho b1tch when the reality is that I couldn't cope with the anxiety and thoughts in my own head and actively went out and sought help to try and get better.

I feel like I'm right back at square one again. Sorry for the rant.

hitchcock said that between conception and execution we lose about 50%. what we have planned and what happens are usually two different things and one has to allow for that uncertainty in life. i think you may be putting yourself under some pressure through saying you want this amazing love story. life is unpredictable, as are people.

dellas1979

hardtosay wrote: »

I feel like I'm right back at square one again. Sorry for the rant.

You might be m'dear, but you can go up!

You are putting yourself back together, and that is commendable.

OP - it sounds like he couldnt cope - and thats ok. Some people cant.

I would leave him be, and concentrate on yourself. If you are happy in yourself, and mentally prepared and well, lots of great things can happen you.

But you are going to have to let this go.

SATSUMA

Personally I think him not being able to cope is one thing but not sitting down and talking to the OP is quite another.

He owed her more than what he gave her. Giving her the silent treatment is disrespectful

op the situation is horrible you must be in bits. I'm sorry for you. Like the others said, focus on getting better and getting to the root of your own issues. You may just thank him in the future. X

MrWalsh

OP I think you need to stop focussing on what he should have said or done. His actions are clear, he is done with the relationship and is moving on. You should too. That he didn't have the courtesy to inform you is bad form, but that's how it goes sometimes.

What's far more important for you is to get your mental health issues sorted out.

Lots of people don't want to or can't deal with other people's mental health issues. Lots of people can deal with other people's health issues full stop. That's life.

Not to disparage your ex but seriously, he couldn't even tell his mammy he was dating you? This doesn't sound like a mature person. Move on, get your mental health under control and take this as a lesson, a harsh one, but still a lesson, you can't depend on people you've only known a few months.