OH putting me through hell

LegacyUser

Hi all

I suppose I already know what the answer is going to be but my head is melted.

With my OH 5 years. We don't live together due to various reasons but had planned to live together once they finished degree. I feel they have been making a fool out of me a long time now. I just clung on and hoped it would get better. It hasn't.

It all started with a lack of contact. Being lazy and eventually I felt like it was me initiating all the contact. So slowly I began to stop. I told them it would wear me down and finally it has. Now I honestly don't feel like I'm in love anymore. Our sex life used to be great but we haven't slept together in over a month.

Everytime I try to call it, they turn it around and make me feel bad. Saying they're depressed about their weight, college life, work life etc. I don't accept that's any reason to treat me the way I've been treated for the last year and a bit. I lost a parent 10 months ago, still devastated. They weren't there for me when I needed them. Although they deny this. My head is wrecked, I feel miserable all the time. No matter how many times I tell them I'm unhappy and their lack of actions is making me feel less in love, they don't do anything to change it. I sincerely doubt it's cheating or anything like that, I genuinely do think they are depressed but they make absolutely no effort to help themselves. I'm done helping them. I've had to pick myself off the floor since the death of my parent and I cannot keep being dragged down.

I tried to end it 2 weeks ago and again they made me feel bad, we went away on a previously planned weekend and it all seemed nice again. Immediately upon our return, it goes back to the way it was.

I had worked myself up this week to finish it for good. Now I cant they contacted me to say there is a death in their family and they are devastated. Real smart comment to me about how I never contact them anymore which upset me. That's why we're in this mess in the first place.

So here I am sitting here really upset that it's ME being blamed for how they have been behaving the last year. I told them that it would grind and grind and grind me down, but they still don't see how they've done anything wrong.

Honestly I feel like shaking them so hard. I've tried to make the effort to contact them today see if they're ok, no replies back.

What is the point!! How the hell do I end this

Everytime I say "you couldn't possibly be in love with me, because you don't treat the person you love like this" (and I've said that numerous times) they just completely deny and convince me they do love me. I feel like I'm going insane and honestly I'm at breaking point. I cannot take any hurt anymore

Lux23

It sounds like this relationship is making you miserable and I think you want out. I think what you need to say to them is that you have fallen out of love with them and that it is time to move on. Don't blame them, do the whole it is me not you. And then get up and walk out.

This will be hard, but I think once it is done, you will be a lot better.

I lost my Dad a few months ago and I don't know how I would have coped if it wasn't for my boyfriend. I can't imagine how lonely that must have made you feel.

Neyite

Honestly, I'd say just finish it. Sure, you'll be perceived as the biggest bastard ever, but someone like this would decide you were anyway, even if you waited for the right time when all the planets are aligned and broke it to them in the kindest possibly way. And there will always be a bad time - a looming job interview, health problem, family issue, and it will always be turned on you somehow. You'll always be the bad guy. But don't think that everyone will buy that either. Some will, but after listening to your ex go on and on and on they'll soon see why you dumped them.

I don't agree with waiting until after something happens or doesn't happen or they get over something. I got dumped by someone I was nuts about the same week I got laid off my job and crashed my car. It was a pretty crap week, but actually having other stuff going on distracted me a little bit. I got through it all at once rather than it being dragged out and knowing it was limping along. I was grand after a few months.

Merkin

I think you just need to end the relationship. No heartfelt speeches or recriminations or 'you make me feel like this'....it's evident this all falls on deaf ears and you're already going around in circles. Phone them up, arrange to meet and tell them it's over. It's sad about the bereavement but if you think about it in those terms there will never be a good time.

tinz18

Neyite wrote: »

I don't agree with waiting until after something happens or doesn't happen or they get over something. I got dumped by someone I was nuts about the same week I got laid off my job and crashed my car. It was a pretty crap week, but actually having other stuff going on distracted me a little bit. I got through it all at once rather than it being dragged out and knowing it was limping along. I was grand after a few months.

+1 to this OP. I similarly got dumped the day I found out my 27 yo cousin's heart was failing and she was on her death bed. It was crap but tbh it meant I had to pull myself together and deal with it on my own. If he had waited til after she died I would have been worse off because his bad behaviour would have dragged me down further and it was another aspect of my life that I didn't need to worry about. There's never a right time to break up but for your emotional and mental health you need to end it and cut contact.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice.

I'm a mess. I'm not even going to try and be in denial about any of this. I know that really I am miserable and it's because of my OH. I just cant keep up the falseness anymore. Even trying to say I loved them this morning was difficult, because I don't feel it at all anymore.

I'm a little bit scared of life without them but honestly, I'd rather be alone than miserable

They need to seriously grow up. They don't seem to be able to cope with things in their life so they take out their aggression on me and also wont speak to me about when they're upset. So I'm left trying to be a mind reader. They then get even more annoyed that I don't fall at their feet with a sympathy blanket to mind them.

I. Am. Worn. Out.

They've made it very difficult for me in the past to break up with them so I just have to try be brave here Thanks again for the help all, just feel so lost.

kylith

unfortunately OP there is no good time and, as you've seen, this person is adept at pulling insecurities out of the air in order to stop you. I was in a similar situation once and there is always an anniversary, or it's their birthday, or it's your birthday, or their dog's died, or their brother invited you for dinner at the weekend; at some point you just have to blurt out "I don't want to be in this relationship any more". It'll feel better when you do, I promise.

LegacyUser

Putting me through hell wrote: »

Hi all
Everytime I try to call it, they turn it around and make me feel bad. Saying they're depressed about their weight, college life, work life etc. I don't accept that's any reason to treat me the way I've been treated for the last year and a bit. I lost a parent 10 months ago, still devastated. They weren't there for me when I needed them. Although they deny this. My head is wrecked, I feel miserable all the time. No matter how many times I tell them I'm unhappy and their lack of actions is making me feel less in love, they don't do anything to change it. I sincerely doubt it's cheating or anything like that, I genuinely do think they are depressed but they make absolutely no effort to help themselves. I'm done helping them. I've had to pick myself off the floor since the death of my parent and I cannot keep being dragged down.

I tried to end it 2 weeks ago and again they made me feel bad, we went away on a previously planned weekend and it all seemed nice again. Immediately upon our return, it goes back to the way it was.

I had worked myself up this week to finish it for good. Now I cant they contacted me to say there is a death in their family and they are devastated. Real smart comment to me about how I never contact them anymore which upset me. That's why we're in this mess in the first place.

Everytime I say "you couldn't possibly be in love with me, because you don't treat the person you love like this" (and I've said that numerous times) they just completely deny and convince me they do love me. I feel like I'm going insane and honestly I'm at breaking point. I cannot take any hurt anymore

So when you had bereavement in your family your other half wasn't there for you, now they've had a bereavement and want all the support you can give them.

From your post you seem worn out and their doesn't seem to be any real relationship there. There is never a good time to break or good way to do it so you are going to have do it sooner rather than later. As another poster said avoid the heartfelt speeches or recriminations about who is to blame.

trio

You don't need your OHs permission to end a relationship.

You don't need to get into an argument. What would be the point? An argument is two people trying to convince the other they're wrong. But they can't convince you you're happy. They could argue and debate until the cows come home but you'd be still miserable at the end of it. Just even more worn out from the arguing.

So I think where you've been going wrong is in tentatively pushing forward the idea of breaking up. For their consideration, if you will. And of course they object, and you wearily give in, and the whole sorry excuse of a realtionship limps on. It gives them power over the course of your life when they are the very thing making your life harder than it needs to be.

You don't need evidence as to why you're unhappy and how justified it is. This isn't a court of law. If you are deeeply unhappy, then you are entitled to end it. Simple.

Stop making it harder than it needs to be. Stop overthinking it. So what if its been 5 years - longer relationships than that splutter out in misery and in the end it still comes down to one blunt statement from one to another. You can't get around having to dump her - just grit your teeth and do it in as mature a fashion as possible.

And whilst you may apologise for the unfortunate timing, don't apologise for breaking up. Its not a sin you're committing here.

mapaca

Keep it short and sweet, say your piece in a few sentences, then walk away, leave the house, hang up the phone, whatever. Then cut contact. You just have to be strong for those few minutes and it's done. You will be so relieved afterwards. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I purposely didn't specify which gender I am as I wanted to get some opinions based on people not knowing. Find it interesting that people think I'm a guy. I'm actually the woman in this relationship.

Does that make it any worse that this is a man who is in his late 20's? Because it sounds even worse to me, and I'm the one in this situation.

I believe he is just a complete man-child. Too much Irish Mammy-ing and he isn't able to stand on his own 2 feet. Also treats me like sh!t because I wont Mammy him like he's used to.

Run a mile. That's what I would tell anyone who's in this position. You're all right though, there's no point in holding out, the sooner I rip this plaster off, the better. I can actually see light at the end of the tunnel and everything. That's how sure I am that I'm doing the right thing.

LegacyUser

Ps. Trio - thanks for that, I really can relate to what you said in your post. Really is the exact situation I'm in. Just could never put it into words. Completely blinded by this guy. But fortunately for me, I've had enough. I can see my way out and just have to take it.

CaraMay

Op you are blaming him for the fact that you are still in the relationship - that's your fault entirely as no one can force you to stay in the relationship. You are miserable, he is miserable so why are you doing this to yourself. It's a crap relationship and that would wear anyone out. It's time to walk away, for both your sakes.

LegacyUser

So it all came to a head at the weekend and I broke up with him. He had been very harsh with me the last week or two so I decided enough was enough.

It did not end well at all, he argued and argued with me and couldn't believe I was breaking up with him. Kept telling me all the reasons why he was treating me like sh!t and I just don't accept that. I'm going through some awful personal stuff and I never treated him like that. He's tried to phone and text me a lot since the weekend and a huge bouquet arrived at my house yesterday. I really think it's too late for saying sorry now. I've been unhappy for too long and he has had too many chances to make things right.

I told him I just think we aren't right for each other. The next few weeks are going to be so difficult for me because I know he is not going to let me go so easily. I just don't have any fight left in me for him. So it's just best to walk away.

Thanks all for the advice. Mods can close this now.

Merkin

Closing as per your request OP, wishing you all the best.