Facing a wall

LegacyUser

Hi. I've been with my ex a long time and we have children.

The relationship has been dead a long time. He constantly cheated the last few years and I grew bitter and nasty and basically turned into a person I didn't want to be. We don't share beds and I eventually lost enough interest I haven't cared what he's done for 2 years now. I've started making moves to be independent as I can't pretend for the children anymore and he hurt my confidence so much I was clinically depressed and it took a long time to find myself again.

Well things are finally looking up a bit for me regards my life and we had agreed to share the house until I could move away and begin again with him visiting as often as possible but he went for a medical recently and the news is not good. I literally don't know what to do. The long term prognosis is not good. I really don't like him. Cannot give too much detail here but he was not there for me at s critical stage in my life and he was dismissive of my time in a mental hospital as s result.
I did take him back after he cheated and went to live with the person but he never changed and kept having flings and openly told me they were none of my business. The children adore him and we've kept them away from the mess as much as we can. I insisted since my own parents involved me too much and it was not good.

Now this. I don't want the kids to see me leave their dad just as he begins a life changing course of treatment but I really don't want to be his carer in any way. It's selfish but all I can think of is the times I had surgery or came out of hospital and had to get back into domestic life right away else the house would have no cooked food or clean laundry or clean uniforms. His parents are living and not that elderly but he's insisting they have enough to worry about (which is true)
Am I being cruel to want to leave? We haven't been together in years and I think I'm the wrong person to be around yet the children know nothing and we had only begun to discuss talking to them about separate homes

MugsGame

Do you find the timing of his "diagnosis" suspicious? How sure are you that he's really sick?

Regardless, I'd say you need to be quite hard about this for the sake of your own health and the sake of your children. You don't need another "child" to look after.

How well do you get on with his parents? Could you fill them in on the breakup but assure them they will continue to see their grandkids? Let him tell them about his illness.

Ann84

Leave....
You are and have been separated for years, you are not in a relationship by his choice and actions...

Go live your life, he made his choices and none of them were for you benefit by the sounds of it so I don't think you owe him anything...
However, you can be friends, you can help out as a friend... But you need to distinguish the boundaries or you'll never move on from him.

Kids are very adaptable, my parents didn't get on and stayed together for years 'for us' - trust me, it wasn't...
You may think they don't know stuff but there comes an age where you know something is weird when your parents don't act like your friends parents, no affection and sleeping in separate rooms...
I wish they had gone their seoerate wAys and not wasted rheir lived, I sometimes feel my mom now resents all the time she wasted 'for us'!

zeffabelli

No you are not being cruel, you are being smart.

Care taking takes a lot of love and patience, it will be really bad to do this if you don't feel this way.... You'll end up killing him.

bbsrs

What would he do if the shoe was on the other foot?

Jotunheim

For the life of me I can't see why you would consider changing course now. Stick to the plan and let him worry about his own treatment. In your position, I'd have more concern for a total stranger than I would for him.

Lux23

Leave. He wasn't there for you so why should you be there for him.

LegacyUser

Leave, Leave Leave, now that you have made plans for the future you are being landed with a guilt trip! You are separated so its not up to you to look after him, his diagnosis and his health are his problem.
You have to put yourself first, if you decide to stay and care for him you could end up in hospital yourself. He wasn't there for you when you needed him so its time to be harsh and think of yourself and your own mental and physical health.

Neyite

I think that you should confirm the diagnosis with his doctor beyond a doubt if you are thinking of staying based on his illness. It's not unheard of for a separating spouse to feign ill health in order to manipulate the other or to manipulate the share of assets. I've read a few threads about invented cancer, heart trouble, mental health problems etc on other relationship forums during a break up. It's often a delaying/ controlling tactic used.

It may well be horrible luck, or it could be a pile of lies. You need to know - confirmed by his doctor - face to face in person, in the surgery before you decide to stay or not. He will need to give his permission for the doctor to discuss it with you, and if he wont, well then, how he chooses to manage his illness is totally up to him and nothing to do with you - you cant be a carer for a person without knowing their medical situation.

I would still say leave, but that is me. I've seen the strain that caring for a terminally ill family member can have on their loved ones - people who dearly loved them. It would be hell on someone if you no longer have feelings for them.

LegacyUser

Unhappygal wrote: »

Hi. I've been with my ex a long time and we have children.

I did take him back after he cheated and went to live with the person but he never changed and kept having flings and openly told me they were none of my business. The children adore him and we've kept them away from the mess as much as we can. I insisted since my own parents involved me too much and it was not good.

Now this. I don't want the kids to see me leave their dad just as he begins a life changing course of treatment but I really don't want to be his carer in any way.

Do the kids still think you are a couple?

seenitall

Jotunheim wrote: »

For the life of me I can't see why you would consider changing course now.

One reason I can tell right away, is for "what the people will say". And it's a real one. People are quick to judge, and even if all his cheating has been an open secret all along, "deserting a sick man, the selfish ....." will be cropping up in her social surroundings. Double standards still abound in the society imo.

Which is of course no reason to stick around in an unhappy house. But the OP has to be well emotionally prepared to bear a certain amount of tacit or explicit judgment that will be coming her way in this situation.

Just grin and bear it, OP. Do exactly as you want and need for your future, and never, ever feel guilty for it. He certainly didn't fulfill the vow of "in sickness and in health" (even if by some wonder, it's only you who knows just how badly he didn't fulfill it), so you are completely free to forget about it at this stage as well. Completely free, OP. No one else knows what you've been through, no one else has the right to judge you now, whether they're aware of it or not.

stargazer 68

Op look at it this way - if you had been in a position to move out a couple of years ago would you now be considering moving back in with him to help him?? I dont think you would.

orthsquel

His medical health is really no longer your problem. If he needs a carer, let his parents do it, or he can hire a carer, regardless of the diagnosis or prognosis.

It sounds to me like the relationship ended a long, long, long time ago and with his cheating and regular flings, even after you taking him back, you don't really owe him anything anymore. Continue on with proceedings to leave. I don't think his health, regardless of the medical issue, should really prevent you from leaving or trap you further in a relationship that really doesn't exist, where you are unhappy, with an unfaithful partner, who really doesn't give a damn about you.

It's not worth staying around for just for his medical needs.... let's just for a second OP think it's not as bad as you think, you stay, he gets better...(even if that is not the reality), do you really honestly think he would be grateful or appreciative, or care that you stayed? Most likely not. More likely if the medical issue were treated and say he got better, he'd be off having another fling.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for replying.

I was really good upset last night and posted in a moment of weakness as I am a very private person.

I'm glad I did because I read the through every response and have resolved to leave him anyway as we had originally planned.

I spoke with my brother and actually cried he was very understanding. We shared caring duties for our mother before she passed and he never forgave her for the mess of our childhood and it showed in his care for her. I don't hold it against him as I understand he could not forgive like I could, but just hearing him tell me not to repeat that experience with my ex was probably the validation I needed. I AM scared of what the kids will think and people will say, but I know part of that is my low self esteem at work.

Someone asked do the kids think were still together- I guess they do. They're all in secondary now hence the plan to talk to them before all this as I think they will understand better. Well, now well just have to break all the eggs in one go.

Unlike other times, his condition isn't a lie. He's been having trouble and I believe him. Ironically we've actually been getting along, albeit it with the most polite impersonal type of communicating. So I'm sorry almost 20 years is ending this way but I am also aware it will damage me to stay for him. It is not a terminal illness, but is chronic and he will be bedridden.

I wanted to tell his parents but I don't get along so great with them and my brother did talk to me about his illness being a personal thing so I accept that

I'll look like an evil cow leaving now but I don't think I'll ever feel strong enough to do this again.

I did feel bad feeling a bit like karma had come for my ex but I will squash that feeling. I don't know how to tell the kids though. It's all I can do to think how they will manage with a separation never mind not being around their dad when he's I'll.

orthsquel

I'm glad that you spoke to your brother Op and that he was understanding about it all. At least you have some support in him for you.

Your kids are possibly old enough to know the reality of home, as opposed to what has been played out at home. Perhaps they are a lot more aware of things than you have thought. I would suggest telling them all together and giving them time to take it in. I can't guess their reaction, but give them time.

Unhappygal wrote: »

I'll look like an evil cow leaving now but I don't think I'll ever feel strong enough to do this again.

You'd be surprised. I know you're worried about it and I know it will be very easy for people to judge especially if they do not know the full story.
I have known in the past someone who was in the proceeds of a divorce when their spouse had a long term illness - which came first I have no idea - and they had teen/adult children who supported the divorce at that time because it was an unhappy marriage dragged out... everyone who knew that person gave their support and never once did I hear of a bad word or negative judgement of them and the situation from anyone, even behind their back. I suppose if they did meet any sort of criticism or judgement, they never let it get to them, or doubt if leaving the spouse was right or not, but certainly they were never going to be guilted by anyone, incl the spouse, in staying in an unhappy marriage. And I don't think you should either.