Don't want kids or marriage, but scared about future?

LegacyUser

Hi

I recently decided that a life of marriage and kids is not a road I want to go down on ever. I spent a lot of my younger kids already cleaning up after people in my family (both kids and adults!) and dealing with younger members who were quite toxic and quite horrible, tbh. All this alone put me off because I am just sick of having to pick up after people, and I don't trust the idea of marriage.

I am just worried though about what the future would be like. I am a woman in my early 20s and already so many people are settling down having families, so it feels like I am losing the few connections I have. I was never good at making friends growing up, and the few friends I did make in college are already having kids and devoting all to their partners.

Also, some people I have admitted this to say that I am gonna be on my own forever and that I will be the old lady with cats. They say they are joking, but I don't find it funny. I don't want that to happen but I don't think being married and having kids will fulfill me in anyway possible.

I dunno why I am asking here, I just need to know how you prepare for a childfree, marriage-free life in ireland, since even in modern Ireland, these seem to be the two main things to do here.

R.D. aka MR.D

Well I'm not in the exact position as you because my OH is also childfree. But in the future you can look forward to the freedom!

You know that you don't want marriage and kids. What do you want? Figure that out and chase after it and live your life.

People will always talk down others who don't follow their own life choices. You'll get plenty of 'If you don't get married, you'll...' and 'If you don't have kids, you'll...' and insert some 'unthinkable' thing at the end. That's okay. They think their choice is the right one. You think your choice is the right one. The best thing to do is be tolerant and pleasant and go on living your life.

Finding childfree friends can be difficult but not impossible. You can still be friends with your settled friends but it just takes way more effort.

So basically, figure out what you enjoy doing in life, do it and don't worry about what everybody around you is doing. They are living their lives, you live yours.

zeffabelli

Loneliness is the other side of independence.

There are no perfect choices, all exact a price.

Choose your poison.

lazygal

I wouldn't write off getting married just because you don't want kids. It's not like married couples are obliged to have kids, whatever the whackos in the marriage equality debates say!

You sound pretty young OP. I found the transition from college years to people settling down and getting married quite tricky. I was the first of my friends to have children and I made sure to still make time for friends and not to talk about my kids non stop. The early days of having children are frantic and busy and don't leave a lot of time and energy for having nights out or a lot of socialising, but maybe you could reframe your expectations and talk to your friends about how best to go about meeting up more regularly?

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

I wonder why you feel the need to make a decision on this now.

Life has a way of throwing all sorts of curved balls at us that frequently dash any plans we make.

If you were to meet someone, and they didn't want kids either and they checked all the boxes would you become a couple?

Wish you well OP. I do think though that you're crossing a bridge that you don't really have to right now.

Pawwed Rig

It is a valid life choice that does not need to be explained to anyone. Marriage is not the be all and end all and there are many couples and singles who choose not to have kids for whatever reason. Be happy with your decision and don't mind what others think.

The cats comments probably won't go away though so I would take it as a joke and not dwell on it

dori_dormer

I know two couples who are married but don't have kids. They chose not to have kids and did counselling together to make sure it was definitly what they both wanted before marriage.

You can have love and security and happiness without kids. You don't have to be lonely. Can't see why it would be any different without the marriage part either.

Unless you don't want a partner either?

ncmc

OP, every week on this forum there are people starting threads on how they don’t want children, so you are far from on your own in this regard. True, it might make finding a partner more difficult, but there are plenty of people out there who want the same things you want. I know plenty of couples who have decided not to have children, sure, they get the odd remark, but some people feel they have to make comments regardless of your life choice. You just have to develop a thick skin with them. Likewise, marriage, lots of people are in very happy relationships and don’t feel the need to get married. It doesn’t mean your life will be lonely or that you will be forever single. Are you ruling out having a partner too, or just marriage?
As for what your future holds, you’re in your early 20’s! The world is your oyster! You have friendships, relationships, travel, hobbies, career, volunteering etc in your future. Who cares if you don’t fit into peoples perceived ‘box’ of what you ‘should’ be doing. You can have a wonderful and fulfilling life without ever getting married or having children, you just need to embrace your choices and not let any nasty or stupid comments get you down.

Wacker The Attacker

Parenthood and marriage are pointless unless you are 100% devoted to the idea of both. Otherwise they will result in failure.

If you don't think you are completely fixed on them then don't do it. It simply isn't worth it

Oryx

People who make cat comments are just having a go because you are not like them. Maybe they want you to conform, and do what 'everyone' does, because its expected? (Except everyone doesnt). It doesnt matter what you choose to do with your life, monogamy, celibacy, religious vows, round the world hiking, or yeah, keeping cats... the important thing is that you can live with your choices and are happy with them. If you are discontented you need to find out why. Do you really not want it, or are you scared? Some soul searching may be required! Lonliness isnt solved just by being around other people, its by being around the right people. It is possible to develop friendships that dont revolve around the conventionality of family groups you talk about, nor do relationships have to move on to marriage and children. You can have them on your own terms.

Ive noticed many college/young friendships flounder when people couple up and have kids, that isnt unique to your situation. I know few of the friends I had 20 years ago. As your life changes, so do the people in it.

And lastly, nothing is set in stone. Just because you had a bad early life and experiences, doesnt mean you will repeat them in your own life. Just live by what makes you happy, and dont worry too much about where it goes. And get a flipping dog, shut the cat lovers up.

athtrasna

Why do you need to have a firm position on this. Why not be happy and independent but if life throws you a curveball that's OK too? If you have a strong official plan then any deviation from that may be very difficult to cope with.

I didn't think I'd ever get married, had no desire to, but I met someone and from day 1 knew it was only going one way. We split many years later but I don't begrudge those happy years. Now I'm even stronger and more independent!

castaway_lady

Firstly, as a previous LONGTERM singleton I used to have the comments about cats too- except I already had the cats. Don't get hung up on the comments, so here's a tried and tested strategy to manage them folk...

Then- "no husband, no kids...oh you'll be a lonely old lady with a house of cats"
-You- (Smile in a giddy excited fashion) "SERIOUSLY...you get free cats, feck I loooove cats, they're so clever and so affectionate and playful,....move onto "I actually used to have cats when I was a kid & always wanted more.....5 mins later "mmm maybe I'll get them when they're kittens so that I can train then in, kittens are so cute....cue pinterest pics of adorable kittens........
Practice this and for your own amusement treat some over-opinionated goat to it!Seriously...see them lose interest and NEVER bring up the issue again and enjoy the performance!

Keep in mind with others, they're often looking to normalise or validate their own life choices or getting caught with a pregnancy. Ask them at 35 if they feel they missed out on stuff and see if you get an honest answer. Also think, there will another smug group who think they have it planned out and cant get pregnant and have to reassess that part of life.

As it stands as someone in their early 20s you have a perception about what you want, based on your experience to date. That's your right (those who knock your choice also have their perceptions based on their experiences). Of course that might change.
You don't have to get married or have kids, that is your prerogative. All you have to do is be upfront about that when you meet prospective partners if you still feel like that later on.

Right now in life, do your own thing, capitalise on that freedom. Follow whatever you want to do with your life, see places, chase the job you want etc.......see who you meet along that journey and see what happens......maybe think so far as "Never Say Never"? But sing off your own hymn sheet.

gaiscioch

Being alone and being lonely are far from synonymous. The only time I've felt lonely was when I was in a relationship where the love had died. That was certainly a shock! I've never felt lonely living alone, and indeed all the major achievements and periods of growth and reflection came out of periods when I had commitment-free independence (an independence which I valued much more because I was aware of the sacrifices I had made in relationships). As a single person there is so much to do, to achieve, to become - so much potential - free from the pressures and constraints which family responsibilities impose.

While I'll concede that sharing your life with somebody else can make you a more tolerant, understanding and empathetic person, and that being in love is the most immensely civilising period in a person's life, there is something deeply admirable about any human being who stands alone and follows their passions and beliefs against all the storms which the family unit can provide some protection from. Creating a distinctive, full life and being uncurtailed by family responsibilities or other things which undermine independence (e.g. an addiction) is like the ideal existentialist human being. Very courageous.

Essentially, I would work on being the best at whatever it is I'm passionate about. Once I'm happy with those achievements, I'd think about other things. I could envisage marriage as it could complement independence, but kids will undermine your independence and, if you still have unfulfilled life aims that are central to your being, your happiness. Just work on improving yourself every day, and this question will be answered better when you feel more confident about where you're going.

dori_dormer

Also just on dealing with other people's comments, if you don't want people's reactions, don't tell them these things.

I employ that tactic in lots of areas of my life, mainly in the area of raising my son as that is hot topic for lots of people. Anything not mainstream is apparently open for critism and comment - atheism, baby wearing, baby led weaning, cloth nappies, moving abroad etc etc.


So I don't tell most people. Then they have no way of commenting and offending. Also surrounding myself with non judgemental, ACTUAL friends is important too. But that takes time.

My cousin is long term single, when someone asks her if she has a boyfriend, she just says no, not right now! And then changes the subject.

Neyite

A single friend of mine who was so fed up with the hints to find a man, get married and have kids now tells people in reply that she took the batteries out of her biological clock to put in her vibrator. (clearly, you'd choose your audience wisely here, but I think its a great stock phrase to have, add in a few about cats and you are sorted)

The thing is, that if you did go the other way, you still get inane pestering, but of a different kind - go out with someone, you get your left hand scrutinised every time you come home from a weekend away, and you get jocular comments about buying hats and giving people a day out. So you get married. Barely before you've had a chance to sort through your honeymoon snaps, you get nudged that you'd want to be getting a move on to have kids, then when you oblige, and have one, you get pestered to give the poor child a sibling.

And the thing is, if you meet someone that is right for you, its because they share similar plans for the future, similar life outlooks and similar ideals. So there is no need to be scared about a future - if you meet someone you like enough to spend the rest of your life with, great. If you choose to stay single, you can fill your life with what you love to do. Nothing wrong with that.

CaraMay

Our question was how you get ready for a child and marriage free life in Ireland - very easily I would think. I know a lot of people in the 40's who don't have kids and have great lives. Do you want to be entirely single or just not married?

If you want to be entirely single and like company then you will need to build up a large network of friends as many will drop off once they get kids. Find people who like to travel so you will have someone to travel with. If you like cinema, meet people to go with etc

One of the issues being single is not having people on tap to go to stuff with you. The pluses are you will have more money, lots of freedom and won't ever be tied down.

There are many pros and cons of every scenario but just do what you choose and don't apologise to anyone.

magicmushroom

Hey OP

I have very similar thoughts to you.

I am 28, already married but separated - I won't ever get married again, not because it went wrong the first time but just because to me it is pointless (I'm not religious in any way).

My reasons for not wanting kids are different to yours but I have still kind of made the decision I won't be having any.

I do worry though about when I'm older - it's all fun and games now because I like going out, doing as I please, having lazy Saturday mornings etc.

But when I'm say 50, 60, 70 etc will I regret it? Will I regret not being surrounded by family? Maybe.
I fear that I will...it's such a tough choice for us women, especially as that biological clock is ticking away very loudly! :eek:

PS, I'll give you a laugh - I actually already have 3 cats hahaha

Dial Hard

magicmushroom wrote: »

I am 28, already married but separated - I won't ever get married again, not because it went wrong the first time but just because to me it is pointless (I'm not religious in any way).

My reasons for not wanting kids are different to yours but I have still kind of made the decision I won't be having any.

I'm in a similar position. I was married, but separated at 29 for various reasons that I won't go into here, but the biggest of them was because I don't want children. Never have. My ex knew this going into the marriage but unfortunately changed his mind.

I don't regret getting married. We were madly in love and it was the right thing to do at the time. But the hurt and pain and fallout of it ending made me question every decision I'd ever made and even who I was, to the point where I was unsure whether I'd ever be able to put my heart back "out there" again.

In the end, it took me almost three years to take that risk. Last year I started going out with a guy very unlike anything I would ever have considered my "type". I fell hard for him but unfortunately that relationship ended a few weeks ago. We were probably just too incompatible for it to have worked long term but we had an amazing connection and grew to be incredibly close friends too. We tried to stay friends after we broke up but it was just too hard for me and one or both of us was going to end up getting hurt so I cut contact last week. It has been incredibly difficult and I'm really struggling to cope with the loss of him; he was a huge part of my life, not just as a boyfriend and once again, I find myself questioning whether or not I have the strength - or even the inclination - to get on the merry-go-round again, ever. I just kind of feel worn out and used up at this stage. I'm still only 33 but I feel like I've been through the mill and out the other side and I'm just done in now.

The reason I say all this is because it strikes me that you feel very much the same, but you haven't even been through the hard parts the first time around. Which makes me suspect that it's fear that's driving these decisions for you - fear of getting hurt. But do you know what, OP? In spite of everything I've said above, I don't regret anything that's happened to me. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't wish it hadn't happened, and yes, it all hurt like hell but when you start ANY relationship you're opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. The people we love hurt us all the time, without even meaning to. Because being in love really is the ultimate in vulnerability. But ruling it out altogether, even the possibility of it, in order to pre-empt getting hurt, is not just letting the fear win, it's giving it complete and utter control over your life.

Mary Schmich wrote "Do one thing every day that scares you". Maybe your one thing could be staying open to the possibility of finding someone?

LegacyUser

Hey, Op here again,

Wow thanks so much for the replies, I actually wasn't expecting a lot of them!

Because there is so many, I cannot reply to all, but the jist from a lot of them is people asking why I am making a firm decision now.
Reason for that is that I have seen way too many marriages fail badly with family members and family friends,
people have divorced over alcoholic troubles, money, over not taking the whole process seriously, and then others have stayed together but don't really like each other anymore or have fallen out of love, but see no point in splitting up.

I mean already neighbors of mine have split up, and they are in the nearly 30s, not married long and already have two small kids.

Because the alcoholic problems are close in my family and seeing the stress single parents go through raising kids (sometimes ungrateful, spoilt ones) puts me off wanting children. I also just find children these days are becoming more into self-entitled little brats that just become more and more demanding. I don't have the patience for that anymore, as I dealt with it enough from younger family members when I was a teen.

I mean I would like to have a partner sometime soon, I don't think i am asexual in anyway, but at the same time, I just don't want it to be the main goal in life, I still want to do new things and meet new people, not just in my 20s but for every stage in my life. It's just worries me since people seem to settle straight away once they get a partner and not do anything new, and this would be before marriage comes into the picture.
Also, I am a bit feminist too, and I really don't want get the Irish mammy's boy where I have to do everything in the house.

I just brought this up now, because so many people I know are settling down and we are only in our early 20s and it scares me that I may never get a chance to meet people or make new friends if everyone is already shutting themselves away for family life, especially since I don't find the miracle of children that spectacular.

CaraMay

If you choose the right partner day 1 then none of these problems should occur. You are talking as if it's bound to happen to you. I know lots of nice couples and nice kids. It's like refusing to fly sdter seeing other people killed in plane crashes. I think op you seem to forget they you are master of your own destiny. I think a lot of people don't put enought thought into choosing a good partner day 1 and often choose to ignore red flags along the way. If you are independent enough to be able to walk once you see thing you don't like then you are unlikely to end up in one of these relationships. From your last post, you just sound scared that it will go wrong so you won't try. That's unhealthy in it own way.

Maybe consider dome counselling and try to get to know yourself better. Is it that you don't want these things or that you are making up excuses because you are too scared to try?

Good luck

puppieperson

its ok not to conform but you have to be strong and there is nothing wrong with a few cats or dogs!!! Unless you are able to offer children wealth and freedom you are only breeding serfs to feed into the workforce and they spend their lives digging ditches for american companies so revered in Ireland. Do what you want and be free cos most people are not. Good on you stick to your guns.