Wasting away my youth, no life whatsoever?

LegacyUser

Female, 22, diagnosed with Aspergers at 18.

School was a really bad struggle, was very anxious, self-conscious, depressed (not professionally diagnosed, but I just knew), weak family life growing up.

Never had a relationship, had friends but those connections were on and off and they fell fast, especially when I did something stupid in 6th year. I sent a really weird message at a crush at the time, because I didn't fully understand social cues at the time. Now I burn with embarrassment looking back. The few friends i did have had enough of me then, and tbh I didnt blame them.

Coming to college, I believed in the fairytale that you automatically get new friends once you enter a more mature, open-minded place...total bull****. People were still as ignorant, very cliquey and I never got a chance to go out, even when i tried my best. I ended up transferring because I was so miserable.

But now in my new place, I find myself not bothering. It is easier to get along with my new classmates when I don't look for friendship from them. But it still means that I am still isolated and miserable. I am just sick of being that tag-along to a close clique of people.

It's bad, but I sometimes would make out to other that I have a life just to look normal. Like with my classmates, I don't outright tell them, but with facebook, it can look like I have a social life back home, even though it can be a few rare nights out per year, with it being mainly family. This has gotton to a point that I outright lied to my mother and sister (who hate the fact I don't do anything) that I went out for a end of year lunch with my classmates, but it never happened, it got cancelled instead.

The few people I do speak to from school, I am finding it harder to want to stay in contact. They are more of a group themselves, while I just get invited to the odd night out now and again, so they would contact each other in between, wheras they only time I hear from them is for a night out. It was ok the first year after school, but now I find it more difficult, as i am aware that I am more of a charity case to some people and I know when I am not wanted anymore. I still cannot feel comfortable around them, because we never stay in contact so not seeing or talking to people for ages can make me feel like they are strangers again.

I get my aspergers is frustrating, but it still sucks. Isolation kills me, I even risked walking back home on my own for 40 mins after midnight, because I was at the cinema by myself, and know i wouldn't have enough for taxi afterwards, but risked it anyway because I didn't want to be stuck inside again.

I did make two other friends and they make me feel comfortable, but they ended up with boyfriends and babies, so I never hear from them, and its hard to connect with people who have a family life now.

It's 2.30am now, and I have just sent a "how are you?" to people I was friends with and/or was friends with, because at least I am making the effort here I suppose, although probably nothing come out of it.

How the f**k does a young person in Ireland try to have a life, it seems to me everyone just stick with their own from school, or from start of college year, or no one wants to know someone who is easy to forget or ignore.

Rubberchikken

hi op
i'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. it is difficult enough at times but Aspergers can make it even harder.
but give yourself credit, you're putting in a lot of effort but i realise that you feel you're getting nothing back.

but you are. you've made friends, you have a family that care about you. that is important. it's just that when a person is in a negative place it's hard to see the good things.

you could contact your friends who are married/have kids. they're still your friends and they might be delighted to hear from you.

your family only want what's best for you and probably worry if they see you not going out ect. i know it can bug the heck out of a person but family does that sometimes:)

do the people in college know you have Aspergers? if they don't, they may think you're not interested/standoffish etc as people with this can seem that way to those who don't realise it.

My nephew has Aspergers and i've seen the toll it's taken on his life.

take care

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

hi op
i'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. it is difficult enough at times but Aspergers can make it even harder.
but give yourself credit, you're putting in a lot of effort but i realise that you feel you're getting nothing back.

but you are. you've made friends, you have a family that care about you. that is important. it's just that when a person is in a negative place it's hard to see the good things.

you could contact your friends who are married/have kids. they're still your friends and they might be delighted to hear from you.

your family only want what's best for you and probably worry if they see you not going out ect. i know it can bug the heck out of a person but family does that sometimes:)

do the people in college know you have Aspergers? if they don't, they may think you're not interested/standoffish etc as people with this can seem that way to those who don't realise it.

My nephew has Aspergers and i've seen the toll it's taken on his life.

take care

Thank you, it's nice to see you have experiance from your nephew so at least you know where I am coming from.

I dunno it just it feel like my youth is going fast, i mean I still can't believe I am 22 and half the year is gone again. There too many people already setting down, and I feel out in the cold again, because I still sometimes feel I have a mental age of 16. I was so reclusive and depressed in my teens, apart from hanging out the odd time here and there, I never had a strong social life growing up, I only ever had one sleepover in all of my teen years.
So I just feel like I never really had a chance to go out, be loose, do stupid things, like everyone else my age seems to be doing.

It seems to me if I got a boyfriend, it be alright, but I wouldn't like the thought of being stuck to the one person nearly all the time (which is what a lot of girls do) especially since the type of guys I attract always give off a sense of desperation. The 'joined at the hip' thing would drive me mad, I'd like to have a seperate social life too.

Sorry just need to rant this out.

Emme

OP, did you join any clubs or societies in college? Could you do that when you start again next year?

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP, did you join any clubs or societies in college? Could you do that when you start again next year?

I tried to, but where I am at the campus is quite small, so majority of clubs don't last at all. There is classes and clubs in the town itself, but very few of them, and it all depends on cost though as well.