My boyfriend has a plenty of fish profile

Redberry

I just found out tonight. He tried to deny it and said I was stupid and paranoid etc so I created my own fake account and found him.

My heart is broken. We have a 9 month old baby and I don't even know what to do or where to go. I truly believed he would never cheat l. I can't stop shaking.

Bananaleaf

Hi OP

I don't really have any advice for you but I wanted to reply to let you know that someone is listening.

Firstly, know that you will be okay one way or another. Be that with or without this guy, you will be okay. You will survive this. Keep telling yourself that.

It must be very difficult to be going through this with a 9 month old baby too. Don't let this be the reason you stay if you decide to.

You say you set up a fake profile on POF to find his profile - if you don't mind me asking - what led you to come to suspect that he had a profile? Has he been acting suspicious?

I don't think there is any point to sitting down and being open minded about possible reasons for his being on POF. I know some people say that they go on POF to be 'nosey' - you dont need an account to just look though. Take care and be strong. It will be hard to but remember - if you two are to stay together, how you handle this will be important for the future (not blaming you at all OP, not at all, I'm just saying that if you forgive and forget very quickly, your OH may not Take his actions so seriously)

Sunflower 27

Hi OP

What a horrible shock. I am assuming from what you are saying that it categorically is him and that there is no room for doubt.

I will point out that I think his reaction is very telling. The response you are 'paranoid' is a very standard reaction for someone caught out in a lie.

Right now your head is a mess and it is unlikely you can think straight, let alone make a big decision about your future. You need time to let this actually sink in.

It comes down to you having two choices: Stay and work things out or leave.

The fact you have a baby makes things more complicated. If I were you, I would tell him straight out to the cut the [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL]. Saying you are paranoid is a very weak line of defence and he is trying to absolve himself, clearly, by making out you have the issue. It is pretty standard behaviour from a liar and a cheat from my experience.

What is your relationship like? Do you talk openly and honestly most of the time? Do you spend a lot of time together? Does he have plenty of free time? How did you come across his profile? (Is there a part of you that had doubts about his fidelity and that is why you looked?)

Some may say that possibly he is feeling neglected with a new baby on the scene and that is a genuine feeling, but his way of dealing with it has totally undermined and betrayed you and the relationship you have built up together.

He needs to know that this is a serious deal-breaker for you. He also needs to start being honest. My advice, for what it is worth, is take yourself and your little one to stay with a friend for a few days.

He probably thinks this will just blow over if he can convince you that you are the one at fault.

This is serious and he needs to know you are strong enough to walk away from someone who is OK to chat with/attempt to meet/etc other women online.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a really awful betrayal and as his partner you deserve answers. Have you a close friend you can contact? Sometimes involving family can seem overwhelming, but you really, really need support.

highly1111

@hole of a thing to do at any time but most of all when there's a such a young baby in the mix.

Diamond Doll

Can you be sure that it's him, and that it's not a case that someone set up a fake account to get him in trouble, for whatever reason? How did you find out about it, did someone tell you?

If he was going to cheat on you, a public profile on a site like POF would be a pretty stupid way to go about it, far too much potential for someone you know to recognise him.

Any chance it could be from before you were together and he just never bothered to close it, but isn't actually active on it?

Only thing you can do is confront him about it, see what he says, and go from there.

Sunflower 27

This little piggy wrote: »

Can you be sure that it's him, and that it's not a case that someone set up a fake account to get him in trouble.

If this was the case, wouldn't he be furious, want to see the profile and put his partner's fears to rest?

Why would anyone just fob it off and say 'don't be stupid'.

If someone told me that there was a profile of me on a dating site, I'd at the very least want to see it, get in touch with the admins and get it deleted... and then find out who was behind the prank.

IvoryTower

I set up an account about 8 years ago to have a nosey and it's still there, I also think I closed it but you can still see it and I can't log in to it!

But the fact he's saying your paranoid is a bit telling,why wouldn't he just say it was an old account if it was

Redberry

Thanks for the responses. We were lying in bed, I was feeding the baby and when he was messing with his phone I saw the fish symbol from the app.
It's also an upgraded account. He said he's sorry and he only ever looked and didn't meet anyone and is embarrassed and wants to start over again etc. How can I trust him?

He even said on his profile that he has no children

IvoryTower

All i can say op is that the first year when having a baby can be extremely testing on a relationship, you have very little time for each other and tend to forget how good things can be before the stress. People long for the attention they got before the baby arrived. I would say talk it out and find ways you can spend more time together with and without the baby. From 9 months on things start to get a little easier, you get more time together as baby sleeps longer.

pookie82

Redberry wrote: »

Thanks for the responses. We were lying in bed, I was feeding the baby and when he was messing with his phone I saw the fish symbol from the app.
It's also an upgraded account. He said he's sorry and he only ever looked and didn't meet anyone and is embarrassed and wants to start over again etc. How can I trust him?

He even said on his profile that he has no children

There's a LOT to repair here. Not only was he on it, he lied to your face and turned to the old "you're being paranoid" chestnut in his defence. Bad enough to set it up, even more horrible, in my opinion, to make YOU feel like the irrational one when he was found out. Knowing the father of my child was willing to make me feel like I was paranoid and overreacting rather than just confess would be my deal breaker here.

I'd find it hard not to imagine what would have happened if you hadn't set up your own account and caught him red handed. Would he have continued to lie, to log in every day, to talk to others, maybe even meet them? He's stopping now because he's been caught out, but you can never really know what his intentions were, and it's not like you can trust even what he says now.

Relationship counselling would definitely be your first port of call. Don't even think about letting him refuse that. He needs to man up to what he has done - both the creation of the profile AND the lies around it.

Redberry

Pookie thanks for this. He said he will do anything I want to try fix what he's done but I don't really know how he can. But your suggestion of counselling is something worth considering.

I feel exhausted today but that might be a build up of months of bickering and not getting along, and it's all just come to a head now.

Sunflower 27

Redberry wrote: »

Pookie thanks for this. He said he will do anything I want to try fix what he's done but I don't really know how he can. But your suggestion of counselling is something worth considering.

I feel exhausted today but that might be a build up of months of bickering and not getting along, and it's all just come to a head now.

I am glad he has admitted what he did. It's a start. A lot of work needs to be done on his part to regain your trust.

If he went as far as to register as a premium member, then he was taking this seriously.

I agree with couples counselling. It's not OK to look for comfort elsewhere when the tough times hit. We all know life has plenty of ups and downs.

It is not up to anyone to tell you what to do. We can forget about your situation as soon as we move on to another thread. This is your life.

I hope things work out for you and he realises the enormity of the pain he has caused you.

LegacyUser

Well, OP, as difficult as it may seem, he is a single (non-married) man and is entitled to go on such a site.

He does, however, need to decide what commitment he's prepared to make to you.

ihavenoname3

BananaRep12 wrote: »

Well, OP, as difficult as it may seem, he is a single (non-married) man and is entitled to go on such a site.

He does, however, need to decide what commitment he's prepared to make to you.

He is not single just because he is not married, its not 1950 you know. he is as attached as a married person in my eyes, he has a baby with the op and is in a relationship with her.

I would get rid of him op, he was looking to cheat in my opinion and doesn't really respect you, what if other people who know ye saw his profile? plus he was on the site right beside you. you deserve better than him because I bet you wouldn't cheat on him in a million years.

IvoryTower

Nearly every reply on this forum is to break up when something goes wrong. For the sake of your family I would give him another chance, maybe go down the counselling route or maybe just plenty of talking to find out what's wrong so you can work on things. People make mistakes, I have seen couples come through a lot worse than this and go on to being amazing together. That's not to say it will work but it's worth the effort.

Are you together long?

pookie82

Redberry wrote: »

Pookie thanks for this. He said he will do anything I want to try fix what he's done but I don't really know how he can. But your suggestion of counselling is something worth considering.

I feel exhausted today but that might be a build up of months of bickering and not getting along, and it's all just come to a head now.

If he's willing to do anything then don't let it go without trying the counselling. You'd never know what might come out in that. I'm not excusing his behaviour whatsoever, but some of things he might discuss - like insecurity, pressure of being a new dad, sleeplessness and loss of sense of self - might help you to understand where his mind was at and come around to working on forgiving him.

He can't ever "fix" what he has done, but maybe you guys will be able to find a way to move past it. Counselling and talking can work wonders if you're both 100% committed to making this work.

And maybe you'll find in time, even with counselling, you're not. But that's ok too.

Redberry

We are together 3 years. Cheating was one thing I never thought he'd do And while I know he hasn't cheated he has still been speaking to women romantically and there is a betrayal in that. I don't speak to other men about dating them.

I feel so awful that this has happened. I just don't know why or how he could do this. Especially since we have a little baby to think of

Sunflower 27

IvoryTower wrote: »

Nearly every reply on this forum is to break up when something goes wrong. For the sake of your family I would give him another chance, maybe go down the counselling route or maybe just plenty of talking to find out what's wrong so you can work on things. People make mistakes, I have seen couples come through a lot worse than this and go on to being amazing together. That's not to say it will work but it's worth the effort.

Are you together long?

I don't think that is accurate at all. When a child is involved people tend to be more forgiving and suggest counselling as is the case in this very thread.

What is the purpose of upgrading and paying for the site?

With regards to whether he met any women or not, we only have his word on that. But then does it really matter? The trust has gone; the intent was there.

I really feel for you, op. You have a tough road ahead of you. Only you know if he is worth your forgiveness. Some people could not move on from this, but we are all very different in that regard.

Magicmatilda

3.5 years ago a similar thing happened to me. Thankfully I did not have a baby.

I just got a feeling, literally an intutition that my boyfriend was on a daiing website. When I searched by age group etc.. he came up. I will never forget the devastation. My body was literally shaking and I had to sit down. Anyway I had it out with him and he told me he set it up because he was bored! I didn't believe but i did't have the emotional strength to walk away. A couple of months later I decided I just didn;t like, love or respect him anymore. Before I broke up with him I had a bit of a check through his stuff and sure enough he had been physically cheating on me for at least 6 months, probably more. Ultimately my guy knew. Your gut knows, what is your intuition telling you?

See the thing is he wasn't apologetic to begin with, he blamed you and your paranoia.

Also if this is his behaviour when you have a new 9 month old how will he cope with the boredom of being 15 years together and the mundanity of life. How old is the account? When was is set up?

I am single and looking, I have a plenty of fish account but I don't have an upgraded one. Strange that he has.

I would not even consider trying to make this work unless you go to counselling together.

athtrasna

If the account says he has no children can it not be an old account? As another poster said, not everyone remembers to closer old accounts down.

Redberry

No its a current account as we recently moved home and our home location is on it. Rather than the city we moved from.

CaraMay

Redberry wrote: »

No its a current account as we recently moved home and our home location is on it. Rather than the city we moved from.

Op theres no hiding from his intentions and they aren't good. You need to get him to move out so you can think. Take a while on your own to weight it all up. He has a lot to lose right now and will sày anything to stop the house the house of cards from falling. You need to think without him in your ear.

LegacyUser

Similar thing happened to me a year ago. Relationship of 2year, romantic beginning, after 1,5 year I noticed that his parents are making pressure on him to get married, we had talk that I don’t want his parents and especially his mother interfere in my privet life (I didn’t have clue at this time, what a mass destruction can be dysfunctional relationship between son and mother).He was even nicer to me but I started to worry when we were not together. One evening we were out and out of the blue he started to be nasty to me so I left in anger, my head was racing, at home I noticed that I have his mobile in my bag. I went through it, there were email exchanges with prostitutes, pof and badoo accounts. I was shocked and unpredictable. I didn’t have strength to cut contact completely, I was blamed for it, we were talking, he was just looking, he was boring and all the usual excuses but at this time my mind was not clear. It took me one month to realize that im wasting my life listening all those lies .Now looking back I wish my friends and family took me away from this guy by force. Therapy helped me a lot.
OP he disrespected relationship there is nothing you can do about it, you can only join counselling sessions with him but it needs to come from him. He might be relationship guy but only after counselling and it will take some time. It doesn’t matter if he met someone in real or was “just “talking to the girls. Stay with friend or family, it is important, think about yourself and the baby. Be strong, you deserve better than this.

Pawwed Rig

No one knows why he had the account except the boyfriend. While you get the usual advice here pushing for the nuclear option of breaking up that is probably not the optimal choice in this case. Sured he stepped over a line but it is far from the worst thing that has ever happened in a relationship. You have alot to work with here op.

zeffabelli

I know it's not the same, but have you ever sent out your cv even if you have no intention of changing job?

Just to test your marketability.

Some people do this stuff just for entertainment or affirmations....

Ignore all the catastrophizers telling you to break up. Talk it out with him.

Sunflower 27

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

No one knows why he had the account except the boyfriend. While you get the usual advice here pushing for the nuclear option of breaking up that is probably not the optimal choice in this case. Sured he stepped over a line but it is far from the worst thing that has ever happened in a relationship. You have alot to work with here op.

We don't know if he did or did not do anything. He said he never met anyone, but he kept the profile hidden from the OP and then called her stupid when she found him out.

I wouldn't be so quick to take his word as Gospel. Of course he is going to minimise his actions so he is in the least amount of sh*t.

It is not just about the fact he joined an online site. it is the fact that in doing so the OP has understandably lost her trust in him.

I think anyone that has been betrayed by a partner knows how hard it is to just carry on as if all is going to be OK. Some can, others feel guilt maybe they 'are not enough', question whether they will be cheated on again or find their love for their partner starts to diminish.

To me, 'Sure, he stepped over a line but it is far from the worst thing that has ever happened in a relationship' is really dismissive. Just because he said he didn't meet anyone doesn't lessen the huge repercussions of his actions.

In the OP's shoes, I would be questioning whether he did in fact meet anyone or not. He has shown already that honesty is not his strong point. And the fact he was abusive to the OP when he was caught is another reason I would be questioning whether or not I could have a happy future with him.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

I know it's not the same, but have you ever sent out your cv even if you have no intention of changing job?

Just to test your marketability.

Some people do this stuff just for entertainment or affirmations....

Ignore all the catastrophizers telling you to break up. Talk it out with him.

Marketability? Really.

Given that he has a new baby and a partner, sending out CVs is the last thing he should have been doing.

professore

ihavenoname3 wrote: »

He is not single just because he is not married, its not 1950 you know. he is as attached as a married person in my eyes, he has a baby with the op and is in a relationship with her

Not in the eyes of the law he isn't.

zeffabelli

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Marketability? Really.

Given that he has a new baby and a partner, sending out CVs is the last thing he should have been doing.

I get so frustrated with the moralising on PI sometimes.

Yes really. The mundane nature of s new baby.... Is it so hard to imagine wanting to feel alive again?

I'm not saying he isn't cheating, I'm saying we don't know and it's not worth breaking up a family when we simply don't know enough to get what's going on.

It's nigh impossible to understand other people's relationships and yet still people feel entitled to tell them to break up.

Absolute catastrophizimg without having anywhere near enough data.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

I get so frustrated with the moralising on PI sometimes.

Yes really. The mundane nature of s new baby.... Is it so hard to imagine wanting to feel alive again?

I'm not saying he isn't cheating, I'm saying we don't know and it's not worth breaking up a family when we simply don't know enough to get what's going on.

It's nigh impossible to understand other people's relationships and yet still people feel entitled to tell them to break up.

Absolute catastrophizimg without having anywhere near enough data.

Firstly, I have not told her to break up. That is her choice and hers alone.

Secondly, there a thousands of ways to feel alive that don't involve deception and the embarrassment to a partner caused by people seeing her boyfriend's face on a dating site.

zeffabelli

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Firstly, I have not told her to break up. That is her choice and hers alone.

Secondly, there a thousands of ways to feel alive that don't involve deception and the embarrassment to a partner caused by people seeing her boyfriend's face on a dating site.

Ah yeah plenty of ways, drinking, drugs, heck walking out completely, violence many many ways to escape the stress.


People lie all the time -sometimes to deceive -sometimes because they don't feel safe to be honest.

For all we know this is just attention seeking on his part and why would he tell her about it if he won't be believed anyway?

Telling this woman to become a single mother, which many have advocated here is gross irresponsibility.

Pawwed Rig

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Firstly, I have not told her to break up. That is her choice and hers.

But this thread is not about you, it is about the op and her family. More than 1 person on this thread has advised breaking up.
To suggest abuse here is frankly disgusting but sadly not surprising on this forum which can get hysterical sometimes (which is a point the op needs to understand).
The OP is hurt but registering on a website is a breach of trust, not cheating. It can be overcome with the will of the relevant parties.

Sunflower 27

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

But this thread is not about you, it is about the op and her family. More than 1 person on this thread has advised breaking up.
To suggest abuse here is frankly disgusting but sadly not surprising on this forum which can get hysterical sometimes (which is a point the op needs to understand).
The OP is hurt but registering on a website is a breach of trust, not cheating. It can be overcome with the will of the relevant parties.

Of course this thread is not about me.

A poster quoted me in a reply and I was merely pointing out I had not suggested they split. I wanted that to be clear.

In your eyes this may be a breach of trust, to the OP and clearly many others this is a very big betrayal.

You don't think calling someone stupid abusive. That's OK, I do think it is.


The only disgusting thing I have seen on here is the OP's partner's treatment of her.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

Telling this woman to become a single mother, which many have advocated here is gross irresponsibility.

Do you really think the OP is going to walk out on her partner because "many" (I would dispute that, but anyway) people she has never met on a discussion forum have told her to? I think we should credit her with a bit more cop on than that.

She posted here to get responses and she is going to get all sorts of feedback. I get that you may think what he did is not that bad, but for many people, it is and it would be a dealbreaker. Trust in a relationship s everything to a lot of people.

zeffabelli

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Do you really think the OP is going to walk out on her partner because "many" (I would dispute that, but anyway) people she has never met on a discussion forum have told her to? I think we should credit her with a bit more cop on than that.

She posted here to get responses and she is going to get all sorts of feedback. I get that you may think what he did is not that bad, but for many people, it is and it would be a dealbreaker. Trust in a relationship s everything to a lot of people.

I don't know what it is and neither do you.

But if you want your life to work you need to learn to endure betrayal.

Single motherhood is very very hard. Are many people who find some stupid on line profile account a betrayal going to help her raise that child?

Are they going to put themselves in the shoes of that child who one day learns mom threw out dad because of a pof account?

No don't think so.

kittycati

I have been on pof in the past and it is so common attached men on there (women too I'm sure) whether he met up or not he was still declaring to be single.. Prob in another forum is a girl posting about guy she met pof regarding his lack of contact .. Etc.. Relationships are based on trust and fact that trust gone as even if he denies sleeping with someone you can't ever be sure as the trust is gone.. New babies do put strain on relationships but he should have been helping the op rather than thinking of his d***.

Sunflower 27

zeffabelli wrote: »

I don't know what it is and neither do you.

But if you want your life to work you need to learn to endure betrayal.

You choose to live with betrayal. It is a choice to stay. Lives work even better when people are not enduring betrayal.

I do know that he set up a dating account. We know that for a fact and that he was communicating with other woman. Beyond that, only he knows what he has done, if anything.

Of course being a single mum is hard, no-one can deny that. The point that has been made, at least by me, is that it is not just a case of saying ' you are forgiven, let's move on from this'.

Deception causes a great deal of hurt and anxiety in people. And this is often what destroys relationships, not the actual act. And yes, we don't know whether he physically cheated or not. We only know he deceived the OP and she is hurting.

I don't want to derail this thread further. I hope that whatever the OP does she is OK. Getting your head around this kind of thing is very unpleasant and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

The road back from a betrayal like this is often a rocky one that requires 100% commitment from both parties to make things work again. I think for many it is easier said than done.

puppieperson

dump him hes no good in bed!!!

Merkin

puppieperson wrote: »

dump him hes no good in bed!!!

Your unhelpful posts have already been addressed. If you can't post constructively then kindly desist.

nikkibikki

OP, I can't tell you what to do, only you can decide that for you and your family.

If my husband had done that when our oldest was 9 months old (we weren't married then) I don't think I could have come back from that. To me, it'd be like he was looking to see if there was something better out there. That's betrayal enough for me. And when you asked, you were told you were paranoid. I think, if it were me, I would never be able to trust him 100% again. Probably 99% but I think I would always have a niggling doubt and I couldn't live like that. But that's just me, it doesn't mean that you wouldn't have the strength to do that, to trust again.

Yes being a single mother is no walk in the park. But it's not the end of the world either. IMO, staying in a miserable relationship "for the sake of the children" is many times worse. I know plenty of single parents and they are fantastic!

I think the advice to go to counselling is great advice. It'll do ye both, and ye're child, good. Whatever the outcome of the relationship.

If ye both decide to continue with the relationship, make a point of making time for ye're selves as a couple. Even if it's only once a month that ye have a date night at home if ye don't have a babysitter. When the baby is in bed. A Chinese take away and a bottle of wine or whatever it is that floats ye're boats! It's for the good of ye're family to keep the relationship strong.

Good luck OP.