No Kids - any less important than anyone else?

LegacyUser

i've really begun to feel, in the last year or so, that my family, my parents moreso, see me as less important in the family dynamic because i don't have children.

i really feel forgotten about. that there's less attention paid to me. that they never contact me [i live elsewhere on my own] - even though i try to text at least once a day to check in on them.

they never get in touch and alot of the time don't respond to my messages. i notice that they spend alot of time with my siblings: visiting, going out for them for afternoons here & there, even visiting them for weekends. my dad has only ever been in my place twice. and my mum about 3 times ... in the space of a year.

it's beginning to really get me down. i don't think i'm any less of a person because i don't have or want children. sometimes i think i do want them ... but then i think i'm saying that to myself because i think it'll make me more 'present' in my parents / family's lives.

LegacyUser

What was your relationship like with your parents before they became grandparents? Were you always in contact? There are some grandparents that end up minding them, babysitting etc an as a result, would spend a lot more time with family members who have kids than those who don't. If you want to see them why not pop around to see them.

iusedtoknow

NearlyWeekend wrote: »

i've really begun to feel, in the last year or so, that my family, my parents moreso, see me as less important in the family dynamic because i don't have children.

i really feel forgotten about. that there's less attention paid to me. that they never contact me [i live elsewhere on my own] - even though i try to text at least once a day to check in on them.

they never get in touch and alot of the time don't respond to my messages. i notice that they spend alot of time with my siblings: visiting, going out for them for afternoons here & there, even visiting them for weekends. my dad has only ever been in my place twice. and my mum about 3 times ... in the space of a year.

it's beginning to really get me down. i don't think i'm any less of a person because i don't have or want children. sometimes i think i do want them ... but then i think i'm saying that to myself because i think it'll make me more 'present' in my parents / family's lives.

I am the youngest of a big family - all my siblings have kids. My wife and I can't, and we're not interested in adoption, we've made peace with the fact we won't have a family. We were open with my family when we were ready that we wouldn't be having kids. 4 of my siblings were totally cool about it, nothing changed in the way we interacted with them. We're totally fine with being the cool uncle and aunt. One of my siblings has completely distanced herself from us, she outright said to my brother that we "don't have anything in common" with the rest of the family as we didn't have kids - she was actually surprised that we flew back to Ireland for my dad's retirement party. She is slightly unhinged and unhappy at the best of times but that is way she thinks.

Family dynamics differ, and in the same way that you have made peace with the idea that you don't want kids, you may have to make your peace with the idea that your relationship with your family has changed - not because of you, but because of them. A lot of people feel that life has to follow a certain pattern, fun 20's married/kids/mortgage in the 30's and so on...and get uncomfortable when people live outside of this pattern.

whatdoicare

Can I just add that having kids won't make you feel anymore included - I've noticed that even though before I had a good relationship with my folks seeing them every Saturday for the day, now that I have a child, I see them twice a week now but I'm pretty much invisible to them now and all focus is on the grand kids.

I rarely get a word in about anything and no conversation happens unless I really have something to say and I get it out as fast as I can - even at that, if my little one (who I adore) says or does anything cute and I haven't finished my sentence then I can forget about trying to finish what I was saying. They're not really listening anyway.

I had a very weak relationship with my brother and rarely saw him - now we both have kids I see him nearly weekly and still, it's like I'm not even there. I speak less to him now than I ever did.

I'm sorry you are feeling left out in your family but trust me, having kids isn't going to fix that. Maybe sitting them down and telling them how you feel might - they may not realise that you feel like this and may assume that you are happy as you are. No harm in trying, you obviously love your family and want to spend time with them. I hope it gets better for you

CaraMay

The reality is that they are not going to see your siblings, it's the kids

freshpopcorn

Grandmothers and grandfathers always love there grand kids. I find this generation of grandparents are often more active and better off finically than previous generations and when there grand kids come along they want to spend as long as they can with them and spoil them and they get to return them at the end off the day. They also often liken giving the kids parents a break.
You're parents also mighnt want to be cramping your style because your not settled down yet.

ash23

My daughter is twelve and my parents ring her daily. But rarely look to speak to me and never ring me specifically.
So I wouldn't worry too much op. As a poster above said it's not your siblings they're going to see but the kids.

LegacyUser

thank you everyone.

it's been lovely to read your responses. and you're right, they're not going to see my siblings but actually spend time with the grand-kids.

although, before my sister had a baby a few months ago my mum would regularly travel to see her / spend weekends with her. i live 10 minutes away and she's been to visit me a handful of times! perhaps it's the fact that i'm quite independent. i don't call on my parents for half as much support / back-up / advice as my siblings do. most of the time i find they live too much in eachothers pockets but i really do feel that because i'm not engaged, married, pregnant or a mother i'm treated slightly differently.

i suppose on average once a month this gets me down. most other times i'm fine with it.

CaraMay

Maybe your sister had issues around her pregnancy that you don't know about.

Into The Blue

How did ye all get on before the grand kids?
I know my mother sees more of my sister than me, because she gets on better with her..

Flippyfloppy

Pregnancy can change grandparents behavior too, the promise of a baby!

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Maybe your sister had issues around her pregnancy that you don't know about.

No, she didn't have any issues. My mother would have visited her alot before her pregnancy anyway.

LegacyUser

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Pregnancy can change grandparents behavior too, the promise of a baby!

This is it exactly! Their behaviour has changed, in that they're more distant, because I'm not pregnant or have a baby.

It doesn't make me any less enjoyable as a person to spend time with though! That's what gets me.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I think you should try and toughen up a bit emotionally and not let it affect you. You're doing well by not feeling sensitive about it any more often than once a month or so but I'd be looking to find an angle on this where it would mean that the situation would not be upsetting at all any more. Life is too short.

It's likely that things are just as you say; your parents are more interested in their grandchildren or the promise of grandchildren than they are in their actual children - so no reflection on you whatsoever. It's about them. Can you live with that?

Although, to push the issue along a bit more in hypothesis, coming from a very dysfunctional family background, I can honestly hand on heart say that even if both my parents started showing a clear preference for my brother over me tomorrow, it wouldn't emotionally affect me in the slightest. I suspect that's because I've been through the mill with my family, and I have had to toughen up along the way to the point of not caring one way or the other. My thick skin is the result of years of abuse and working stuff out in therapy. Your thick(er) skin needn't be acquired in such dramatic circumstances, but you could also work on it a bit, by just trying to be present in the moment and self-aware in the situations that trigger your insecurity or sensitivity around this. Be asking yourself: what's the point of being affected by this, it's not as if I can change how my parents feel or what they do?

Acceptance.

Let go of your insecurities, be happy in yourself for being your fab self You are enough.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

Can you live with that?

Be asking yourself: what's the point of being affected by this, it's not as if I can change how my parents feel or what they do?

Can I live with it - i guess i can. i have done for quite some time now. as i said, it rears it's ugly head now & again but i don't let it affect my overall, longterm wellbeing.

No, I cannot change what my parents do. I'm the one that can change what i can do though, which is the crux of the point you're making, i think!

so, i'll endeavour to do that as best i can. i'm no less of a person because i don't have a child. and i'm the one that needs to recognise that value in myself.. not have third parties (be they parents, siblings, friends or other people) validate who i am based on whether i've carried a child for 9 months & brought them into the world.

CaraMay

NearlyWeekend wrote: »

. i'm no less of a person because i don't have a child. and i'm the one that needs to recognise that value in myself.. not have third parties (be they parents, siblings, friends or other people) validate who i am based on whether i've carried a child for 9 months & brought them into the world.

Op I think you are doing a lot of projecting there. I couldn't care less which of my family / friends have kids and certainly don't think less of them if they don't. Could it be your issue with this is obvious to your family and they subsequently want to spend less time with you as a result

LegacyUser

Families are funny OP.I live ten mins down the road from my parents, but they rarely come and visit.I always went to them.Now we have a child, its not much different. But they would make the effort to see my other sister a lot more.I don't know, I could only conclude that maybe I seemed to need them less...I have my OH and a lot of good friends,but my sister had a few issues that needed more support.Since we had our daughter they are delighted to see her and/or us....I will give them that. My OHs parents however used to want to see him every week, now they want to see the baby every single week...to the exclusion of everyone else n the room.Our baby is their whole point of focus when they"re with us, my OH is a poor second and I might aswell not be there.It doesn't bother me massively because they're not my parents, but I find it's a bit unfair on him.
Like I said.. families are weird.

mud

NearlyWeekend wrote: »

Can I live with it - i guess i can. i have done for quite some time now. as i said, it rears it's ugly head now & again but i don't let it affect my overall, longterm wellbeing.

No, I cannot change what my parents do. I'm the one that can change what i can do though, which is the crux of the point you're making, i think!

so, i'll endeavour to do that as best i can. i'm no less of a person because i don't have a child. and i'm the one that needs to recognise that value in myself.. not have third parties (be they parents, siblings, friends or other people) validate who i am based on whether i've carried a child for 9 months & brought them into the world.

I get what you're saying and I don't think you're projecting anything. It's normal to feel the way you do when family is involved. My parents live very near me yet they haven't called to my house in years. I do all the calling to them. They make an effort to see their grand-kids who live a little bit farther away than me. It used to really bother me because like you I don't have children and I was getting upset that I wasn't seen as enough of a reason to call in. To be honest, I made myself get over it and continue to call to them almost daily and really I'm OK with them not calling now. It's just a thing that I chose not to let bother me.

Not saying that it was easy but life is happier for me now that I'm not dwelling on it and still see them all the time. If I do ever have a kid I imagine they'll be camped out on my doorstep and d'ya know what? That's OK too. It's one of those things that happens naturally.

That's my anecdotal experience, you're not alone in this

orthsquel

I've just been thinking OP, if you live only 10 minutes away from your parents, they may take it for granted that you live so close to visit and if your siblings live further away, it takes more energy and effort to go there and visit, hence why longer trips and weekends more likely, especially with grandkids to see.

While you can change what you can do because you can't really change what they do, I wonder do they think that since you're an independent person who doesn't really rely on them for any little emergency, that they think you're ok and fine with all this? They probably don't really realise it bothers you even a little. Perhaps you could let them know in a constructive way, go about inviting them over (to cook them dinner or something) or spend more time with them, and get yourself more involved with your parents in a different way than your siblings. It is easy for people to think that when you're independent and self-reliant you're grand and won't need a hand, won't need the attention, won't need to be looked after ... and that I think in particular that if something happened to you, it would be assumed, "ah shure they'll be grand, they can cope/manage/deal with anything, no need to be running after them, they won't need us" when perhaps you could be in a more vulnerable or difficult position finding yourself left to your own devices and resentful that if it was your siblings in the same situation, your parents would be falling over themselves helping out because they would know that your siblings don't have the same coping skills.

I think in general, and probably off topic, it probably would be healthy for you in the future to start to get closer and more involved with your family overall, if you want them to be more involved in your life.

The bottom line as I see it though OP is that your parents recognise and respect your independence and self reliance, and recognise too, that you probably have a very different set of life skills than other siblings.. in that you would be much more able to cope in life than other siblings and that your parents probably think you don't really "need" them in the same way your siblings "need" them, be it for chats, dinner, support or help with the baby/child and spending time with them, as they generally do.