Housemate advice

LegacyUser

Looking for a bit of advice here please. It's been on my mind for a while now. I started the process of coming out a few months ago, so I'm out to a lot of people at this stage, in work I'm after getting involved in the LGBT committee and I went to my first ever pride last weekend.

However, I haven't come out to my flatmates. There's 5 of us in the house (all male), and I get on well with 2 of them. I've been in the house for over a year and the 2 I get on with have been there before I moved in, and I've met (and got on with) some of their friends. There's another guy in the house who's only moved in, and then there is another lad that's been there for a few months.

The lad that moved in a few months ago is also gay, which you might think is great, what are the odds of a gay person sharing a house with another one, but this is where you'd be wrong.

When he moved in I instantly knew he was gay so I went out of my way to be nice (even though I hadn't come out to anyone at that stage), but to cut a long story short he's not really a good housemate, like last weekend he came downstairs only wearing jocks (in the middle of the afternoon) and he's never made any effort to try and socialise with the three of us that have been there the longest. I've heard him on the phone after 1 am and he's not very good at cleaning up after himself in the kitchen.

He's just a weirdo really, he just spends all his time in his room with his boyfriend. I wish he'd made an effort to socialise with us and introduced his boyfriend to us - I certainly would have liked to made some gay friends seeing as none of mine are, and actually I think the others would as well, because on the odd time we've met him, we actually thought his boyfriend was all right.

At the start when the lads I get on with were giving out about him (for the reasons outlined above) I did stick up for him a bit, even though I don't like him either for the aforementioned reasons. This was because I felt obliged to knowing what we have to go through in terms of discrimination and being treated as second-class citizens. Also, I'd gotten to know them well enough and I was about to pluck up the courage to come out myself to friends and family, and them as well (before he moved in). It made me realise that the only reason I even tried to like him in the first place was because he was also gay and if I wasn't gay I (or he was not gay) would have instantly agreed with the other 2 about him.

The bedroom for one of the lads I get on with is directly underneath the other gay guy's, and he has complained to me and the other lad we get on with that the other gay guy and his boyfriend are shagging and he can hear it at night (seemingly this happens quite often) and now he thinks that gay sex is 'f***** disgusting' and has a negative view of gay people.

At the start I tried to pass it off (not least because if I ever have a boyfriend I'd want him to be join in whenever the 3 of us go out for food/pub etc and for him to be able to stay the night etc), but to be honest if I heard one of my housemates shagging their partner more often than not and after midnight when I want to get a night's sleep I'd be pretty p***** off as well. He was OK about gay people before but now dislikes us quite a lot, to the point that over 4 months after coming out to a lot of people I haven't told the 2 lads in the house I get on with. It's kind of put me off dating because obviously I'd want to be comfortable about bringing someone back to the house and introducing him to my housemates etc.

The other guy I get on with has a friend who's bi (and the guy who's complaining about gay sex knows him and likes him, though he only found out recently that this lad is bi), so obviously it's not an issue for him (other than our mutual dislike of the other gay lad in the house).

As a result, I don't know whether or not to come out to them now, I guess the lad that doesn't like gay people would hopefully change his mind once he knows I'm gay because he's really sound otherwise and I do like him, we have a good bit in common. But I'm worried he might not, and 2 out of 5 being gay is a very high proportion relatively speaking. The 3 of us were meant to be going out for lunch on Saturday but I said I couldn't because I was going to work even though I was going to pride (it was partly true because I was manning a stall at pride which was promoting our LGBT network), I would have preferred to have been honest but I don't want to be thought of being like the other gay guy.

I thought about telling the lad with the bi friend first and seeing what he thinks (or just telling him), but I don't think that's a good idea either. The 3 of us have a good thing going and I suppose I'm worried that if they realise that I'm gay as well it will upset that balance because of the other gay lad's actions.

What would you do? Thanks in advance.

LegacyUser

Coming out to my housemates was the best decision I ever made!:D go for it!:P

lyinghere

confusedgay wrote: »

Looking for a bit of advice here please. It's been on my mind for a while now. I started the process of coming out a few months ago, so I'm out to a lot of people at this stage, in work I'm after getting involved in the LGBT committee and I went to my first ever pride last weekend.

However, I haven't come out to my flatmates. There's 5 of us in the house (all male), and I get on well with 2 of them. I've been in the house for over a year and the 2 I get on with have been there before I moved in, and I've met (and got on with) some of their friends. There's another guy in the house who's only moved in, and then there is another lad that's been there for a few months.

The lad that moved in a few months ago is also gay, which you might think is great, what are the odds of a gay person sharing a house with another one, but this is where you'd be wrong.

When he moved in I instantly knew he was gay so I went out of my way to be nice (even though I hadn't come out to anyone at that stage), but to cut a long story short he's not really a good housemate, like last weekend he came downstairs only wearing jocks (in the middle of the afternoon) and he's never made any effort to try and socialise with the three of us that have been there the longest. I've heard him on the phone after 1 am and he's not very good at cleaning up after himself in the kitchen.

He's just a weirdo really, he just spends all his time in his room with his boyfriend. I wish he'd made an effort to socialise with us and introduced his boyfriend to us - I certainly would have liked to made some gay friends seeing as none of mine are, and actually I think the others would as well, because on the odd time we've met him, we actually thought his boyfriend was all right.

At the start when the lads I get on with were giving out about him (for the reasons outlined above) I did stick up for him a bit, even though I don't like him either for the aforementioned reasons. This was because I felt obliged to knowing what we have to go through in terms of discrimination and being treated as second-class citizens. Also, I'd gotten to know them well enough and I was about to pluck up the courage to come out myself to friends and family, and them as well (before he moved in). It made me realise that the only reason I even tried to like him in the first place was because he was also gay and if I wasn't gay I (or he was not gay) would have instantly agreed with the other 2 about him.

The bedroom for one of the lads I get on with is directly underneath the other gay guy's, and he has complained to me and the other lad we get on with that the other gay guy and his boyfriend are shagging and he can hear it at night (seemingly this happens quite often) and now he thinks that gay sex is 'f***** disgusting' and has a negative view of gay people.

At the start I tried to pass it off (not least because if I ever have a boyfriend I'd want him to be join in whenever the 3 of us go out for food/pub etc and for him to be able to stay the night etc), but to be honest if I heard one of my housemates shagging their partner more often than not and after midnight when I want to get a night's sleep I'd be pretty p***** off as well. He was OK about gay people before but now dislikes us quite a lot, to the point that over 4 months after coming out to a lot of people I haven't told the 2 lads in the house I get on with. It's kind of put me off dating because obviously I'd want to be comfortable about bringing someone back to the house and introducing him to my housemates etc.

The other guy I get on with has a friend who's bi (and the guy who's complaining about gay sex knows him and likes him, though he only found out recently that this lad is bi), so obviously it's not an issue for him (other than our mutual dislike of the other gay lad in the house).

As a result, I don't know whether or not to come out to them now, I guess the lad that doesn't like gay people would hopefully change his mind once he knows I'm gay because he's really sound otherwise and I do like him, we have a good bit in common. But I'm worried he might not, and 2 out of 5 being gay is a very high proportion relatively speaking. The 3 of us were meant to be going out for lunch on Saturday but I said I couldn't because I was going to work even though I was going to pride (it was partly true because I was manning a stall at pride which was promoting our LGBT network), I would have preferred to have been honest but I don't want to be thought of being like the other gay guy.

I thought about telling the lad with the bi friend first and seeing what he thinks (or just telling him), but I don't think that's a good idea either. The 3 of us have a good thing going and I suppose I'm worried that if they realise that I'm gay as well it will upset that balance because of the other gay lad's actions.

What would you do? Thanks in advance.

I dont think it will change anything with the guys you do get on well with. Their issue is more so with the other guys inconsiderate behaviour really. Its a cliche as well but if they were to be funny about it (which I'm pretty confident they wont be) do you really want to be friends with them. It sounds like they like you for you so you may as well bit the bullet and get on wiht life!

jobbridge4life

Hi OP,

To begin with kudos to you on coming out, it can be a difficult process but you are working your way through it.
There are a number of issues in your post. Firstly as you said you are freshly out and still coming out so you are probably hyper sensitive to the gay issue right now. Thats not a criticism its just a reality and it will probably be benefical for you to be mindful of it as you navigate your way through the next while.
Secondly, I think you are experiencing what a lot of gay people (and other minorities) feel which is a sort of collective guilt. We know that due to the way the human mind and society works and our relatively small number that the actions of one gay person are often unfairly associated with us all. Its important to remember that as much as you are part of wider gaydom you are still an individual.
Thirdly, your friend is unfortunately expressing his frustration with the behaviour of your gay roommate in a homophobic manner. Its regrettable but somewhat understandable. Again its another unfortunate trait of human cognition that we tend to generalise the specific behaviour of individuals. Its not good but it doesn't make him a committed homophobe either. A lot of his comments about gay people may be made in that 'banterish' way amoungst 'the lads', not an excuse but an indicator of their lack of real sincerity. In fact you might find that you are the antidote to his impressions.
Fourthly, you like these guys, you live with them and I know that can seem like the most important thing but lets take a step back and review for a second. Just over a year ago you didn't know them. I know from personal experience that when you are in the closet/stepping out the acceptance or rejection of virtually every individual you meet can seem like the most important thing in the world and sometimes close to the sole-arbiter of your self-worth. It isn't; if maintaining your friendship with them is costing you more than the friendship is bringing to you, you shouldn't be afraid to move on. That sounds hard but I learned from painful experience that it is for the best in certain circumstances.

To conclude this thesis, I'd advise you to come out to your housemates. You owe it to yourself and every step towards living fully in your own truth (apologies for the Oprahisms) is a positive one, whether it hurts in the immediate term or not. Best of luck OP.