Boyfriend's drinking

LegacyUser

I am very much in love with my boyfriend and I know that he loves me. We rarely argue when there is no booze involved, we tend to have small spats but they are sorted in no time. (I mean they would literally be over in seconds) But I am finding his drinking a real drain. He is on a two week holiday from work and he only started drinking a few weeks ago after giving it up after a bout of depression. He had recovered very well, finished college and started a new job - everything is looking up for us. We are both working and we just moved into a new flat together after living apart for 6 months. It was a hard year, his business fell apart and my father died but things are looking up, but his drinking is ruining everything.

Since he began drinking again last month:

he has been arrested,
got into a fight on the street with a random person,
we have gotten complaints from our new neighbours about noise,
called me names,
spent about €1,500 on nothing (about €500 on drink)

This two week holiday is turning into a binge, he has come home drunk with cuts and bruises and worst of all he has wet the bed (with me in it) twice.

He fell in the door at 4.00am this morning and I just lost with him, it is the fourth time in 6 days I have had to deal with this and I am just at the end of my tether.

I love him and he is the best in the world most of the time, but his drinking is having an extreme impact on my mental health.

What do I do? What can I say to him to cop on? Please help me

kylith

All you can do is tell him how his drinking is affecting you and ask him to stop. You also need to consider what you will do if he doesn't stop drinking; many people stay with a drinker hoping they'll change but a lot of the time they don't. He clearly has difficulty in controlling his intake, for someone with a normal attitude to drink getting arrested and wetting the bed would be a wake-up call to either stop or cut back.

Chemical Byrne

I'd cut my losses OP.

If my gf acted like that she'd be getting her P45 from me sharpish. Life's to short to be dealing with that sort of bullshít from anyone, let alone your bf/gf.

iusedtoknow

you need to look at al-anon. It is a support group for friends/family of alcoholics and will provide you with the tools for dealing with it.

The other thing you need to look at is if you want to continue in the relationship. I had problems with alcohol, and eventually my gf (now wife) gave me an ultimatum. The drink or her. I chose wisely and stopped over drinking there and then (5 years ago) and haven't had a drink in nearly 4 years.

LegacyUser

He clearly has a drink problem and he's obviously an agressive one if he gets into scraps and gets himself arrested, you or nobody else is going to fix it. He needs to fix himself.

I dunno how you can love someone who gets soo drunk he wets the bed!

Jenneke87

Be careful OP, this won't stop on it's own. Getting arrested and injured is some pretty heavy stuff for the both of you to deal with, never mind him wetting the bed, you're gonna rack up a pretty hefty bill for buying new matrasses...:P

If you love him as much as you say then give him one chance but at some point the head has to rule the heart, if he messes up, he's out. I used to date a man for a short while who drank too much. Drunk by 5 pm, shouting abuse at people, drink/driving(with me on the back of the motorcycle) not feeding himself properly, so he was sick alot. All the love in the world won't change them if they don't see the problem themselves and really want to turn things around. I wish you the best of luck.

dellas1979

Jenneke87 wrote: »

All the love in the world won't change them if they don't see the problem themselves and really want to turn things around.

Unfortunately OP, this is the crux in working on this issue.

You cant make him change. He has to want to do it.

Giving him an ultimatum might expedite him doing something about it, but youve also got to be prepared that it might not work.

Yes, you love him. But do you not love yourself more too than to put up with this?

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear of your situation but like the other replies you got yeah he has to want to do it himself. My cousin was in the same situation as you and there was a young child involved. He was like your boyfriend always coming in late, getting in fights constantly wetting the bed and was caught drink driving. When she eventually got brave she ended it because she couldn't bring her daughter up in that environment things turned nasty. He used to arrive at her door drunk and eventually hit her in front of the child. She got the guards involved so it turned out ok. Her boyfriend isn't a bad guy it was the drinking that was the problem he was and still is an alcoholic. Think about what you really want from this relationship and I know it's hard to walk away when your in love with someone but you only get one life and no one deserves to be treated that way and have to live like that. Put your foot down be strong he might choose you but could end up drinking a few days later.
I hope you work things out and he gets the help he needs. Some people just aren't able for it.
Good luck

LegacyUser

I had an ex that drank to excess also. In my personal experience no matter what you say or do, unless he wants help he will continue to drink. My ex gave it up after he got completely out of control (headbutted some guy and was facing court) charges were dropped but shock horror about 2 months after he swore he wouldn't drink to excess anymore we were back to square one again with his drinking.
I would personally say leave him,it's the best decision I made. It's no way to live

LegacyUser

You need to take some time out to have a serious think about where you go from here.
You and nobody else can make him stop/control his drinking.

I left a long marriage last year-lots of reasons, but the unpredictable dependence on alcohol was a major contributing factor.
The need to drink every single day over Christmas fortnight off at home, bringing back alcohol to the room after a night out when away on holidays.Always taking a chance at driving home from pub after a few drinks.
I enjoy a drink but would never drink and drive, and would know that i can stop after 1/2.
Emptying the recycling bin to see empty bottles, that I knew i hadn't opened.
But it was waking up on more than a few occasions to see he'd urinated in the bed- just couldn't hack it any longer.
Sad thing is, we went to counselling and i might as well have said he was addicted to drinking water, for all the difference it made.
Bottom line- he didn't think he'd a problem -and a year post separation, he still doesn't see how it pushed us towards the end of our marriage.Yes, there were other issues, but they all added up.

Please put yourself first.While Al Anon etc..will offer Support , only you can walk in your shoes and be happy.None of my friends or family know the entire truth as I'm very private and want also to protect our children from the gossiping - no adult should ever urinate in their bed, how stupid and unnecessary is that, for fúcks sake?

Sunflower 27

As stated, he clearly has a problem. If you stay with him, you can expect the same carry-on to continue. He got himself arrested and has wet the bed with you in it and neither of these things has shocked him into stopping.

I think you are flogging a dead horse here. he clearly loves the drink more than you - and that is what happens with addiction.

I know you don't want to be told you should leave, but really, what sort of future is there with a man who disrespects you when drunk and refuses to quit drinking?