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Doesn't want to get married.

  • 05-07-2015 8:39am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    He has been upfront with me from the very beg to the pt of telling me before we met! So it's not about me.
    .I was never the girl that dreamed of the wedding but maybe I suppose I thought I would/the norm to get married one day although I would hate all the attention on me.

    He says he is committed etc.
    Is anyone in a relationship that no marriage will ever happen and do you feel secure?


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,344 ✭✭✭Diamond Doll


    Yeah I'm in a relationship where we have no plans to get married. My partner is very anti-marriage and was clear about that from the start. Whereas I'd perhaps be of a similar mindframe to yourself - I'd hate the idea of a big wedding, but would quite like the practical benefits of a marriage.

    At the end of the day though it doesn't really affect my feelings of security in the relationship. I mean if he were ever to stop being in love with me, or if he were ever going to cheat on me, I don't see how us being married would stop that from happening.

    We have a child together, and have vague intentions of having at least one more sometime in the future. To me that's a far greater indication of his commitment to the relationship than getting married would be. I mean marriages break up all of the time, but I know he's committed to being around for his son for the rest of his life (or at least for the next 18 years or so until we can kick him out. :p )

    Have you talked about how you both see the relationship panning out in the future, i.e. have you talked about moving in together, having kids, travelling, whatever it is you both want? If you're both on the same page with that, I personally wouldn't think a marriage is all that important. For me, the kids issue would have been a dealbreaker - I wouldn't have gotten into a serious relationship with anyone who never saw kids as part of their future. Whereas marriage, well I could take it or leave it really, so long as my partner made his commitment clear in other ways.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    People can end the relationship with their spouse in as few or as many words as with their non-married partner. They can cheat just as easily/difficultly. They can fall out of love just as easily/difficulty. They can stop fancying the other person just as easily/difficulty. Marriage at best gives a false sense of relationship security.

    So if a sense of security would be the only reason you would want to get married then it's probably not a great reason.

    Surely the real sense of security and commitment should come from how they treat you and how they show their feelings for you? Married or not, that's what will make you feel secure or not.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    That's a heartbreaking position to be in and it's no ones fault. I was in the same position years ago and the relationship ended. People on here will tell you that you can be as committed when living together but in my heart, I just couldn't agree.

    You will find lots of threads on here on this topic but no one can tell you what to do ..... If it were me, I would have to leave. Living with someone for the rest of my life wouldn't be enough for me. Be true to what you want and need op. There are lots of fab guys out there who aren't scared of marriage so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for following your desires.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yeah we have talked about moving in together.

    I don't want kids, nor does he.
    I am probably just over thinking things.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Roselm


    CaraMay wrote: »
    There are lots of fab guys out there who aren't scared of marriage so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for following your desires.

    But remember just because he doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean he's scared of commitment. Marriage can be meaningless to some people so they don't see the point because as another poster said you can be just as committed to the relationship whether you are married or not.


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I think the ops issue is that she won't feel as secure if she doesn't marry. Tbh, rightly or wrongly, if my oh didn't want to marry me then I would feel like he is less committed than he could be, that he is less interested than he could be and that would make me insecure.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,216 ✭✭✭✭listermint


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    People can end the relationship with their spouse in as few or as many words as with their non-married partner. They can cheat just as easily/difficultly. They can fall out of love just as easily/difficulty. They can stop fancying the other person just as easily/difficulty. Marriage at best gives a false sense of relationship security.

    So if a sense of security would be the only reason you would want to get married then it's probably not a great reason.

    Surely the real sense of security and commitment should come from how they treat you and how they show their feelings for you? Married or not, that's what will make you feel secure or not.

    All very true. But to turn it on its head is ease of turning ones back on a relationship the reason they are against marriage in the first place.

    Theres ways to question both sides so to speak.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Oust wrote: »
    Yeah we have talked about moving in together.

    I don't want kids, nor does he.
    I am probably just over thinking things.

    I don't think you're overthinking things at all, it's obviously important to you. I think it's really important to consider that if you want a future with this man then you have to abandon all thoughts of getting married and that takes a lot of soul searching and brutal honesty because a LOT of people enter relationships like this hoping in vein that their partner will one day change their mind. Don't do that, it will only lead to resentment and disappointment. You see so many threads here where one party is so hurt and disappointed even when explicitly told a proposal isn't on the cards, or worse again where a long term partner 'isn't ready'. If you want commitment, don't compromise.

    So you really need to consider if cohabiting will be enough for you. Even after years together or having babies together. Personally if I loved someone and wanted to build my life with them I'd really want that with them too and wouldn't settle for less.

    You also say you don't want children. What age are you do you mind me asking? Is he also opposed to having children?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am 33. Never wanted kids. He doesn't either.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    And why doesn't he want to get married op? Has he explained that?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He doesn't need a piece of paper to be committed.
    Also he has seen people trapped in unhappy marriages with and without kids.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 563 ✭✭✭orthsquel


    I think OP you could poll the nation and ask people if they feel secure in a relationship where there will be no marriage and you will get a mixed bag of answers, and will depend on different things to different people. It's probably not going to be all that helpful to you, really.

    I think the only part that is helpful to you that anyone can say is :
    Merkin wrote: »
    So you really need to consider if cohabiting will be enough for you.

    Security in a relationship, a partnership, a marriage doesn't come with the addition or lack of a marriage certificate but it comes from the relationship itself... You may not feel any more secure married than cohabiting save for a piece of paper but it really boils down to whether cohabiting and being partners is enough for you or not. But feeling secure... it depends I think about how you feel about the relationship and how things are in the relationship. Not necessarily whether the relationship is accompanied by a marriage certificate or not.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭MrWalsh


    People have different ideas about marriage, and are entitled to that, but fundamentally something that helps a good relationship to develop and mature and stay stable, is a similar outlook on the big issues in life. Some things can't be compromised, like children and marriage IMO. You are either married or you are not so if two people hold totally different views on it then one is always going to be disappointed.

    Someone who doesn't want to be married is going to be happiest with someone else who doesn't want to be married.

    If it's bothering you now, at 33, how bad are you going to feel about it at 50?


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    is it a wedding and all that he's against- ie is getting a civil ceremony something he'd consider

    I'm in a long term relationship and plan to be in it forever, but I've no interest in the big wedding day- the expense, the stress, the family rubbish, the church, none of it

    I'd consider getting hitched officially to tidy up tax, legal and other official affairs, and we'll probably do so in the next year or two, or at least we've discussed it and both agree its sensible to get all that sorted.

    no kids on scene, on horizon, on the agenda

    it's not a question of commitment tho. frankly if a partner told me they needed a wedding day out of me against my wishes and with the above all on the table then I'd have a real problem with it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Regardless if you both never want kids I think marriage is very important. I was very much of the committed relationship that's enough camp up to a few years ago but practical stuff like inheritance, tax, next of kin etc made me change my mind.
    Dunno if you rembember the horrendous case of the brain dead pregnant woman that was in the news back in December. She had two kids with her partner but when the case when to court to switch off the life support machine, her next of kin was her dad.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    If the question is do you need to be married to someone to be committed, then my answer would be heck, no.

    Marriage can be for romantic or for practical/legal reasons, or both. What would be your reason to get married? As in, I think you need to figure out why the number one reason at the moment is for security.

    If it is something that you want in your life, a need that you have, thats fine and perfectly reasonable, but you will have to reevaluate if its enough for you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    Living together for 5 years and without children, you'll have the same legal entitlements as a married couple.

    I'm of the same opinion as your OH OP.
    Unless one of you has tax band the other can make use of, I wouldn't be bothered with marriage either, so I don't see it as a big deal or indication of a problem that your OH doesn't want to marry.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I come from a country where marriage and cohabitation are equalized in law somewhere since seventies. Among my friends there those who got married did it for religious reasons or because they liked the idea of wedding. The only couples who had quiquiet civil wedding are those who needed a joint mortgage. It is more an indicator how traditional the couple is than how committed they are to each other.

    I am 100% committed to my partner. We probably will get married eventually but I see it solely as hassle and see no real benefit in it besides the fact that law in Ireland isn't very cohabiting friendly especially if you have kids.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 8 Cinquelimoni


    Oust wrote: »
    He has been upfront with me from the very beg to the pt of telling me before we met! So it's not about me.
    .I was never the girl that dreamed of the wedding but maybe I suppose I thought I would/the norm to get married one day although I would hate all the attention on me.

    He says he is committed etc.
    Is anyone in a relationship that no marriage will ever happen and do you feel secure?

    What do you mean when you say "feel secure"?


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 8 Cinquelimoni


    Oust wrote: »
    He has been upfront with me from the very beg to the pt of telling me before we met! So it's not about me.
    .I was never the girl that dreamed of the wedding but maybe I suppose I thought I would/the norm to get married one day although I would hate all the attention on me.

    He says he is committed etc.
    Is anyone in a relationship that no marriage will ever happen and do you feel secure?

    What do you mean when you say "feel secure"?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    People can end the relationship with their spouse in as few or as many words as with their non-married partner. They can cheat just as easily/difficultly. They can fall out of love just as easily/difficulty. They can stop fancying the other person just as easily/difficulty. Marriage at best gives a false sense of relationship security.

    So if a sense of security would be the only reason you would want to get married then it's probably not a great reason.

    Surely the real sense of security and commitment should come from how they treat you and how they show their feelings for you? Married or not, that's what will make you feel secure or not.

    Sure, people can leave or cheat on their husband or wife. That's a risk you take when you get married- that's why you don't rush into it.

    But standing up in front of people that matter the most to you both (not even talking a big, white wedding here but even just close family/friends) sand saying "yes, this is the person I choose to be with for the rest of my life" is a statement that you are committing to them in a much stronger way than just continuing to live with them indefinitely. Sure, anyone can live with someone for as long as they feel like- it's fairly easy. Being able to commit to someone for the rest of your life is far more difficult. That's why it's a commitment! :P My BF gives me that whole "it's just a piece of paper" spiel but I'm not really buying it anymore tbh.

    I'd love to see things his way. I really would. I'd love for it not to bother me. But I just can't logically understand how marriage is just a piece of paper, when it's clearly not. I mean, he voted "yes" in the SSM referendum so obviously he must feel that marriage gives a relationship more validation/meaning than simply living together or whatever!

    OP, I'm in the same position as yourself. I was never hugely into the whole white wedding thing, and tbh I'm still not. However, as I see friends, relations, etc get married it's started to play on my mind a bit, if not for the symbolic gesture of committing to each other, than just the practical implications, stuff like what would happen if one of us was in hospital and the other person wasn't allowed to see them.

    I hate that I can't bring up these arguments cause it seems like I'm trying to "nag" him into marriage... yet, on the other hand, why can't I just accept that he is committed to me because "he hasn't left yet"?

    Sorry, I don't have much advice for you, OP, just really wanted to let you know that I know how you feel!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 76 ✭✭C2


    I'm 43, I thought I could live with no marriage but it gets on top of me at times and we fight about it. I love him dearly but the arguments are destructive. I probably should have left 8 years ago but now the idea of getting back onto the dating scene scares me. I would be very clear in your head whether you can deal with this down the line. If you are on here, you're not clear yet!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    Sure, people can leave or cheat on their husband or wife. That's a risk you take when you get married- that's why you don't rush into it.

    But standing up in front of people that matter the most to you both (not even talking a big, white wedding here but even just close family/friends) sand saying "yes, this is the person I choose to be with for the rest of my life" is a statement that you are committing to them in a much stronger way than just continuing to live with them indefinitely. Sure, anyone can live with someone for as long as they feel like- it's fairly easy. Being able to commit to someone for the rest of your life is far more difficult. That's why it's a commitment! :P My BF gives me that whole "it's just a piece of paper" spiel but I'm not really buying it anymore tbh.

    I'd love to see things his way. I really would. I'd love for it not to bother me. But I just can't logically understand how marriage is just a piece of paper, when it's clearly not. I mean, he voted "yes" in the SSM referendum so obviously he must feel that marriage gives a relationship more validation/meaning than simply living together or whatever!

    OP, I'm in the same position as yourself. I was never hugely into the whole white wedding thing, and tbh I'm still not. However, as I see friends, relations, etc get married it's started to play on my mind a bit, if not for the symbolic gesture of committing to each other, than just the practical implications, stuff like what would happen if one of us was in hospital and the other person wasn't allowed to see them.

    I hate that I can't bring up these arguments cause it seems like I'm trying to "nag" him into marriage... yet, on the other hand, why can't I just accept that he is committed to me because "he hasn't left yet"?

    Sorry, I don't have much advice for you, OP, just really wanted to let you know that I know how you feel!

    Hasn't been a 'for the rest of your life commitment' since June' 96 though.

    I'm not anti-marriage or anything, not by a long way. And I appreciate the arguments for it, or people just quite liking the idea of it. But it's not the life long commitment it's made out to be, nor is it any guarantee of security in a relationship, or feeling secure in a relationship.

    People can feel horrendously insecure about a relationship in a marriage (countless threads on here show that fairly well). Or completely secure in one outside of one. That's all I'm saying. Because ultimately simply being married isn't going to secure anything. The same issues that would mean a relationship ends outside a marriage can exist in one.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    But if the op was the type to be secure outside marriage then she wouldn't be posting


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But if the op was the type to be secure outside marriage then she wouldn't be posting

    The impression I get from the OP is that any insecurity she is feeling around it is based on the fact that she feels "it's the norm to get married". And while technically it still is "the norm", more and more it's something people aren't feeling the need/have no desire to do. It's not necessarily a reflexion on the strength of their commitment. Neither is being willing to get married necessarily a garauntee of commitment.

    We shouldn't always pander to our insecurities, particularly when it's to "go with the norm".


  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    OP, maybe you need to think of two scenarios and decide which one you want.
    1. You want marriage, so you leave this relationship to find someone who can offer it.
    2. You stay with this man, but put aside any ideas about marriage and accept it will never happen.

    That's how I made my decision some years ago.

    I like the idea of marriage. Not so keen on a big white wedding, but being married to him, being a wife, having him as husband appeal to me.

    We've been together a long time, in fact siblings have met, dated, married their spouse and had their first baby in less than half the time we had been together. I dont generally tend to compare, but when you constantly get hints and nudges at every single family gathering it can get tiresome, and make you wonder. I saw other women get engaged and plan weddings and felt a bit left out I suppose. I wasn't waiting for him to propose but I suppose I was waiting for him to be ready for that stage of our lives.

    So I had a bit of a think. I realised I love to walk in the door in the evening and share my day with him. I look forward to seeing him. I couldn't imagine being this happy with someone else. And so for me, I realised my choice was #2. I discovered that for me, a wedding or being married was unimportant if it meant not being with this person. It really helped me to clarify my thoughts, and throw off the expectation that we should follow the majority of couples. That it was ok to do it our way, the way that makes us happy.

    We did get engaged a few years later funnily enough, but its turning out to be a long engagement as we have other stuff we are prioritising at the moment.


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