Parents letting life pass them by

LegacyUser

My parents are in their late 50s/early 60s. They have little to no interests/hobbies. My mother is an alcoholic and has been sober for about four months. Before that she been sober for a year. Before that it was a lifetime of alcohol abuse, manipulation, narcissism. Things came to a head one Christmas when she stumbled down the lane of our house and punched me in the face. Since then she has sought counselling, goes to mass for spiritual enlightenment. My father enables her drinking and refuses to see there is a problem.

I moved back home almost one year ago (I'm 30) to do a masters. I commute to college and have a part time job. But living back in such close confines with them has really brought home how negative, small and closed they are.

My dad goes to this scummy pub three/four times a week. He goes there primarily because the beer is cheap. He charges me rent yet routinely will erupt at me and threaten to 'put me out of the house' over the smallest things - like using the downstairs bathroom. My parents both play these strange manipulative games where they position themselves in a 'team' against my younger sister (who lives at home - has never moved out, works, pays rent). They have no friends, they don't do anything. I dread the weekends because it means I'm stuck in the same house as them and their draining negativity.

But this isn't about me. I am grateful to be allowed to come home and wouldn't be writing this if it wasn't something that deeply upsets me. They just don't want to do anything. My father is a miser, my mother took 'sick' from work and lays around the house, making massive messes (that I clean up). My granny died last year after fifteen years of 'dying' i.e. nothing wrong with her, she just sat up and complained and waited to die.

I don't want this to happen to my parents. My mum, despite her flaws, did go to counselling to change her drinking. We have had many talks about her life, her problems and she has wanted to get over them - to grow and develop as a person. My dad used to be such a fun person - he would go golfing, teach our cousins how to play handball. The way things are now is he won't even go to GAA games anymore and literally every single word out of his mouth is negative. I can get past him constantly patronising me and treating me as a general dogsbody but I can't get past seeing him essentially waste his life.

It's their 35th wedding anniversary this year. Dad booked flights for the two of them to go to America. I was so happy to hear this and was so excited for them to get out there into the world, experience something new, go to Nashville and enjoy some music. But yesterday it turns out that they've decided not to go and have cancelled their flights. Mum said Dad couldn't afford it. I know that's untrue because I do his company accounts as a favour to him. From mum's tone it just felt like they can't be bothered to go. Instead it'll be back to Lanzarote for cheap p*ssy booze for a week.

I am just so upset that they are content to continue to be small, negative, not open to new things. This isn't a case of me thinking that there's a right way to live and they're not doing it. There are elements of them that do want to go and do these things but the constant cynical negativity that absorbs so much of their personalities stops them. I am just so disgusted at them for cancelling their America trip I could barely look at them today. And I'm terrified that I will become like them - joyless.

There are a whole lot of other issues at play here that arise from living in close quarters with family. My father doesn't take my opinions seriously, constantly undermines me in every way so the option of me talking to him about the trip, suggesting ways that they could still do it isn't really viable. I want them to do more, to laugh and have fun. This dark cloud of nasty negativity is just too much.

'Leave them to it' is probably the only course of action I can take because it's not my life. But this is their one opportunity at life, at living. So many people suffer so much it makes me so angry to have my parents live out petty lives when they could be so much more and I know they could be so much more.

Just really depressing. Is this what life turns out like? You get into your late 50s and just wait for death?

pwurple

Of course it's not what life is at 50. My parents are the complete opposite of that, constantly looking for new places to go, people to meet, things to do.

I don't know what's up with your parents. Maybe they feel like they still need to support you? Seeing as you've moved in again. It's very stressful to believe you have reared your children, and then have them back home,back as students. And worse again, judging your life. That's probably contributing to the stress and eruptions over little things.

If you are being charged rent, can you go do a house share with some other students and give them some space?

WhatNowForUs?

Live your own life. Be respectful to them but continue to break the cycle .
Do something with your sister once a week to get her out of the house, something that might interest her.
The best thing you can do for your parents is to help yourself and ensure yourself and sister become the best that you can become.

freshpopcorn

My main concern here would be the alcohol abuse and it looks like your mam has that under control. Regarding your dad some people just enjoy being negative.
It's very hard to know op to he honest I know couples who've never been abroad and there Sumner holidays might be a day to the sea side and there happy out with there lives. There lives might seem boring to some. Going to mass, the pub and to the shops. But these people can be just as happy as people who've travelled the world.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

Of course it's not what life is at 50. My parents are the complete opposite of that, constantly looking for new places to go, people to meet, things to do.

I don't know what's up with your parents. Maybe they feel like they still need to support you? Seeing as you've moved in again. It's very stressful to believe you have reared your children, and then have them back home,back as students. And worse again, judging your life. That's probably contributing to the stress and eruptions over little things.

If you are being charged rent, can you go do a house share with some other students and give them some space?

I'm sure it is an additional stress to have their children at home. I'm moving out in Sept having finished up the masters and my parents seem happy enough to let my sister live here. So it's not really about living circumstances causing them to be negative to be honest. I contribute to bills, rent and buy my own groceries. Plus I know my dad's business is ticking over ok.

It's not about the stress or eruptions, it's their draining negativity that has absorbed the laid back, fun, optimistic parts of their personality that worries me and it's getting worse.

By booking the trip to the States it shows there's a glimmer of their personalities that do want to see the world and experience things. But the negativity has come in now and taken control. It's so upsetting.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

Of course it's not what life is at 50. My parents are the complete opposite of that, constantly looking for new places to go, people to meet, things to do.

I don't know what's up with your parents. Maybe they feel like they still need to support you? Seeing as you've moved in again. It's very stressful to believe you have reared your children, and then have them back home,back as students. And worse again, judging your life. That's probably contributing to the stress and eruptions over little things.

If you are being charged rent, can you go do a house share with some other students and give them some space?

I'm moving out in September. I can well believe having children home is stressful but their negativity is a separate issue that has been ongoing for years now. That they booked a holiday to the States shows that there is some part of them that wants to have fun and experience the world but their relentless joylessness has encroached on them once more and they've cancelled.

In fact I would go as far to say my sister and I being at home has staved off their negativity because we provide a laugh and conversation in the house. Otherwise it's just dad sitting tins and watching TV for six hours a night and mum sitting in another room or in bed.

CaraMay

I agree with Pwurple. It must be do stressful to have two adult kids under your roof even if they are paying rent. It's clear that's what these eruptions are about.

Maybe it's best to rent someplace with your sister and leave then to it. I think you are being a but harsh on them. It's not like they sit in a darkened room all the time. They do get up and go out and maybe it's not to your taste but there you go.

I think you need to be less judgemental of them op. After all they are opening up their home to you. Maybe they feel judged and that's increasing the tension too.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

Of course it's not what life is at 50. My parents are the complete opposite of that, constantly looking for new places to go, people to meet, things to do.

I don't know what's up with your parents. Maybe they feel like they still need to support you? Seeing as you've moved in again. It's very stressful to believe you have reared your children, and then have them back home,back as students. And worse again, judging your life. That's probably contributing to the stress and eruptions over little things.

If you are being charged rent, can you go do a house share with some other students and give them some space?

CaraMay wrote: »

I agree with Pwurple. It must be do stressful to have two adult kids under your roof even if they are paying rent. It's clear that's what these eruptions are about.

Maybe it's best to rent someplace with your sister and leave then to it. I think you are being a but harsh on them. It's not like they sit in a darkened room all the time. They do get up and go out and maybe it's not to your taste but there you go.

I think you need to be less judgemental of them op. After all they are opening up their home to you. Maybe they feel judged and that's increasing the tension too.

I appreciate your comments but have to state that the living at home issues are separate from the worries I have. The eruptions certainly are part of the stresses of having children living at home and I am made aware of that - as I said when I mentioned my dad's routine is to say I should be 'put out' of the house for doing things like leaving windows open or using the downstairs bathroom. At any rate I'm moving out in September and my sister (22) is a homebird and parents have never voiced any qualms about her living at home. Indeed, CaraMay, every evening Dad does sit in the living room drinking tins of cheap beer and watching 6/7 hours of TV while mum either sits in a completely different room or goes to bed very early.

Their increased negativity is what worries me - especially my dad's because he is the breadwinner and mum relies on him for money. If dad doesn't want to do something (which he increasingly doesn't), then mum doesn't get to do it either. As I said in my previous post, this is a man who has gone from being pretty outgoing in terms of sports and table quizes etc, to someone who just sits in and guzzles beer (I'd say he's put on at least 1.5 stone in the last two years).

I'm not sitting in judgement of them.. I'm just genuinely worried at this progression. Booking the trip to the States shows that there's still some small part of them that craves doing something exciting, seeing and experiencing new sights and sounds. But then the negativity crept in and stopped them. They have no joy for life, it's clear to see.

LegacyUser

WhatNowForUs? wrote: »

Live your own life. Be respectful to them but continue to break the cycle .
Do something with your sister once a week to get her out of the house, something that might interest her.
The best thing you can do for your parents is to help yourself and ensure yourself and sister become the best that you can become.

Thanks for this comment. When I last lived at home, when I was at school, I always vowed I would be different to them, and I have been. Watching the way my granny died and seeing my dad start to mirror her behaviour is frightening me. And the ironic thing is, my dad hated granny getting on like the world was against her when she had everything she needed, so much love, and she just turned her back on it.

My sister is aware that my parents are deeply negative. We do try to be upbeat and fun. In fact the only time there's laughter in the house is when we're cooking dinner or playing cards together.

I think your past sentence is the one I need to fixate on. I do want to be the best person I can be. I just want my parents to be light and happy instead of miserable cynical and negative. Maybe I need to accept this won't happen - and acknowledge that it will probably only get worse :-(

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

My main concern here would be the alcohol abuse and it looks like your mam has that under control. Regarding your dad some people just enjoy being negative.
It's very hard to know op to he honest I know couples who've never been abroad and there Sumner holidays might be a day to the sea side and there happy out with there lives. There lives might seem boring to some. Going to mass, the pub and to the shops. But these people can be just as happy as people who've travelled the world.

I definitely agree with this but think that the fact they booked the trip shows that they wanted to go to the States. They wanted that adventure. And now their negativity has crept in and it's become too much bother so they've cancelled it.

When I went off travelling a few years ago, Dad went to bed at 6pm the day I left and didn't say goodbye to me. I think he was angry that I got to go away and he didn't. This was his chance and he's allowed his own negativity to stop him :-(

MouseTail

I think you are being incredibly unfair. Your parents are at a stage in their life where they should have to please no one but themselves in their own home, go on what holidays they choose without being judged for it. They could just as easy sit in judgement of you, you're not exactly taking your own medicine and going out, embracing life and living independently.
if their world is too small for you, escape from it, and stop taking their hospitality whilst tut tutting.

LegacyUser

MouseTail wrote: »

I think you are being incredibly unfair. Your parents are at a stage in their life where they should have to please no one but themselves in their own home, go on what holidays they choose without being judged for it. They could just as easy sit in judgement of you, you're not exactly taking your own medicine and going out, embracing life and living independently.
if their world is too small for you, escape from it, and stop taking their hospitality whilst tut tutting.

To be fair they do sit in judgement of me - their negativity permeates most aspects of their lives. But you're right - no matter how I try to dress it up, I have been living at home and taking their hospitality. I had been living an independent life throughout my 20s but took their offer of support when I embarked on the masters and came home - I couldn't have paid for it if I didn't come home.

I just wish they would have hobbies, have friends, have a bit of lightness in their lives. But maybe they don't want that. I wish that most comments they make aren't cynical but maybe that's just their personalities. I saw what happened to my grandmother, her slow descent from negativity into angry hostility waiting to die and I don't want that to happen to my parents.

LegacyUser

I understand you, OP, and I think one or two have been a bit harsh on you here.

You clearly want the best for your parents and to feel they're enjoying their lives. I would hazard a guess that you've fallen into the "fixer" role in the family, it's very common in situations where alcohol is a problem. I've done it myself. You can't help but think that if they just listened to you/did what you suggested, their lives would be so much more positive. But it doesn't work like that unfortunately, no adult wants to be told what to do. I've been told I'm controlling and want everything my own way by my family, even if the argument is me trying to encourage them to do something nice for themselves while I mind the house or take care of their responsibilities for awhile, essentially putting myself out. It's hurtful but it's kind of true.

You can't force your parents to be happy just so you don't have to worry about them. You can't change other people but you can change yourself. I'm in the process of this myself. When they throw negativity out there in the form of complaining, try not to respond by offering solutions, this makes it your problem too. If at all possible, I would take other poster's advice and move out, I think it would be worth it to your overall mental wellbeing. Perhaps you and your sister could move in together?

I think when we grow up in a dysfunctional household, there's always a kind of subconscious feeling that it's bound to sort itself out when we're older. We don't expect to still be dealing with it when we're trying to start our own lives. Your parents seem to have taken some positive steps though, with your mum going to counselling and controlling her drinking. However, they're probably not going to change dramatically in the long run. You have to find a way to manage your relationship as they are.

orthsquel

OP I can assure you that this is not what life turns out like, at least not what anyone should expect for themselves but only the individual themselves can make it what they want it to be. I can understand what you feel, you're a bystander in your parents' lives, and your hands are tied in the sense that you are helpless in what they do and don't do by choice.
It's not nice when you see someone living a particular way that is negative and passing up opportunities to live a bit more and expand themselves. And it's easy to see it as wasteful what they do end up doing, when they could be doing something better. I have experienced this with someone too, but unfortunately there was not a lot I could do with it... except hope that they may come to the realisation that they are sabotaging their own happiness and limiting themselves by whatever is behind it all.
The only thing that will change is when your parents feel that they are ready to change and ready to try something new. That may or may not happen, maybe it will only come with regret at seeing wasted opportunities that may spur them into making changes in their lives for the better, but that regret could make it worse for them in wallowing in it.

If at the moment your parents are choosing - directly or indirectly - to let life pass them by, there isn't a lot that you can do about it. If there are issues that have festered underneath it all, it is up to them to deal with it and work it out for themselves.

You saw what happened with your grandmother and fear the same is happening with your parents..... I think you should take from the situation in not allowing the same to happen for yourself at any stage of your life, and even when you find yourself less happy with or in life, to remind yourself of your grandmother to pull yourself out of it. I think perhaps all you can do is worry about yourself, and let your parents worry about themselves.

MrWalsh

Are they both alcoholics? You mention your Dad going to a scummy pub for cheap drink and then that he drinks cheap cans at home for a few hours every evening watching tv. It sounds liked he is tbh. Your mother won't last long off the booze if he stays on it like that, and these types of dysfunctional relationships do tend to result in a lot of negativity and hiding from the world. They're both very young to have become enveloped in such a toxic existence but addiction will do that.

Really the only positive thing you can do here is get away from the situation and live your own life and try to learn from their dysfunction how not to end up that way.

ILikeBananas

I think a lot of people are being unduly critical of the OP. OP you come across to me as a mature and enlightened individual who just wants the best for your parents. You've probably undergone some personal development in your life and see that your parents could benefit so much from some good advice. Unfortunately it seems like it isn't going to happen, at least not from you anyway. The way you've described your father he sounds particularly narrow minded. The only advice I can give you is not to beat yourself up over it. Sure, they could be happier, but it's their lives and if they want to live it this way then your best bet is probably just to respect their wishes.

Emme

OP, you can't live your parents lives for them. They are adults and they have made their own choices. If those choices appear negative to you then so be it.

Could you move out into a houseshare?

What about your sister? Does she have much of a life? Perhaps you could help her move out and expand her life a bit. She would be a far more worthy cause than your parents, not meaning to be disrespectful to them. I am saying this because she has her life ahead of her while your parents have lived a good portion of theirs.

Jelly2

worrieddaughter wrote: »

I definitely agree with this but think that the fact they booked the trip shows that they wanted to go to the States. They wanted that adventure. And now their negativity has crept in and it's become too much bother so they've cancelled it.

When I went off travelling a few years ago, Dad went to bed at 6pm the day I left and didn't say goodbye to me. I think he was angry that I got to go away and he didn't. This was his chance and he's allowed his own negativity to stop him :-(

The last few sentences really stuck out. Why do you assume that he was angry? Perhaps he was just sad and upset that his daughter was leaving.