First baby. Feeling trapped. Want to run.

LegacyUser

I always thought I'd be a great Dad, somebody who would teach the kids about the world and bring them on adventures.

Now that I am, I feel trapped, restricted and put off track from work goals which I need to complete. I feel I'm not achieving anything and I am always being dragged here and there doing various little mind-numbing bits and pieces. There's always something, and I just don't have the temperament for this. I find the temperament needed for all these menial little things is oppressive. I have tried counselling in the past few months but, once again, it did nothing to help me get peace. It really was, once again, a waste of money which I do not have.

On paper everything is fine - the baby's very healthy and we both have secure jobs on a combined income of €100k. I should be very grateful for all of this, but all I do is focus on the negatives - we are constantly living hand-to-mouth, we cannot save anything and we will never be able to afford to live in the area where our jobs and family supports are. And this is before crèche fees of over €1000 of our aftertax income each month. I feel suffocated, slogging away to be in an eternal state of poverty. We are living in a small two-bed apartment costing €1500 in rent per month so I can never, ever get privacy or space. I want to move, but all my wife's emotional supports are here and she really does need them. She is ridiculously happy with our child and where we live, but she knows I am not and that I am very anxious about our future financially. Just last week we *had* to go to a wedding costing €500 of our aftertax income by the time present, transport and accommodation was paid for. We have another one in two weeks. All of this is unsustainable. I can't breathe suffocating under bills and worry. Life is too short for this. I just feel like screaming, running away.

Yet we are alive, healthy, and have many gifts to give our child. I just cannot rise to it, I cannot be the man I thought I could always be. I am not doing justice to either my wife or child, and I feel I am not doing justice to my spiritual side by continuing in this imprisonment. How can I be happy? How can I start appreciating all the positives and stop torturing myself with worry and misery? There are no winners in my current situation. None.

iusedtoknow

Cráiteachán wrote: »

I always thought I'd be a great Dad, somebody who would teach the kids about the world and bring them on adventures.

<SNIP>.

It seems like your main concern is money. Do you know where it all goes? Do you have a lot of debt? On 100k you are looking at 8K plus a month gross. Once you take out rent and childcare from your net, where are you at?

Does your wife how much you worry about the cash flow situation? Have you spoken to her about how you feel regarding money?

Tigger99

It's not just women that find the arrival of a new baby very difficult and experience post natal depression. Ten percent of dad's do too. I think you are being very hard in yourself but at the same time very detached
You say that the baby is doing fine. But it's not just the baby, it's your son or daughter. Please go to a different counsellor. And talk to your wife about your concerns. You are carrying a heavy mental burden by yourself with regard to worrying about finances. It should be a collective effort between the two of you.

LegacyUser

Cráiteachán wrote: »

I always thought I'd be a great Dad, somebody who would teach the kids about the world and bring them on adventures.

<SNIP>

OP, I could have written your post 6 years ago, word for word. Please take my advice, I felt the same way, i stuck it out for a couple of years and eventually i left thinking I wasn't a good dad or partner and that i needed to leave. It took me almost 3 years to bond with my daughter. Now i live alone, a part time dad and I live in misery because my daughter is now the single source of happiness in my life, i love her to bits and it kills me that i dont wake up to see her every day. I made the mistake of throwing it all away too easily. I live for my weekends with my daughter and when she leaves a part of me literally dies. You are being way too hard on yourself, give yourself time and trust me your child will become the greatest thing that ever happened in your life. Sure its hard, tiring, boring at times... but believe me the grass is not always greener on the other side and the best thing you can do is cut yourself some slack and learn to love what you have.. the money issues will get sorted in time and one day you might just look back and be thankful you gave it a go. I wish you well

spottybananas

I would suggest reading the MABS website (you can contact them but would be far down the list) and take a look at sorting your finances, on 100k you shouldn't be struggling with money unless you are repaying big loans/debts, we earn about a quarter of that between two of us and are fine.

askaboutmoney website, fill in details on money makeover and people will advise.

celligraphy

God bless you op you seem more stressed about money more than anything . You should really try bonding with your baby what age is he or she? I remember not being able to bond with my daughter until she was around 5 months old while my boyfriend bonded straight away I hated it. Sometimes you just have to give it time and get some help off your gp , don't run away my father couldn't cope with being a dad and now he is dying regretting that he never spent time with his children.

You provide for your baby , you definitely are a good dad but cut out some expenses

alias06

It's possible your counsellor is just not very good at all. You should try the clanwilliam institute in Dublin. They are excellent.

Don't do anything in a panic. €100k is a decent income and it should be possible to manage on that.

LegacyUser

Deep breath OP.You don't say how old the baby is?I'm a mum to a one year old, and i know my husband struggled with panic for the first few months after she was born.He never said much, but what little he did say led me to think he was dealing with feelings much the same as yours.Please believe that it does get easier, and as they get bigger...6months, 8 months., 10 months, a year....they become more interactive and you'll find yourself being that dad that you always saw yourself as.Our baba adores her daddy now.He says men have this overpowering need to provide...to look after their family...says he can't explain it but he feels like a failure when we find ourselves tight on money every month, and we're earning a good 30k less than you combined.Please talk to your GP to start with, and try to focus on bonding with the baby.And honestly? Start saying no to things you cant afford, like these weddings.Seriously.

RubyGlee

Ah op ive been there and still am there! Money worries can really suck the life out of you and having a new baby is stressfull enough. 1500 for a two bed is a bit steep in rent and so are the creche fees have you looked around? Or are you in Dublin Ive heard its got really expensive there. Have you spoken to your wife about how your feeling?

The_Conductor

100k might sound like a nice joint salary- however- the OP and his partner are probably netting in the region of 4,500 per month (depends on the sector they work in- public sector will be lower).

From this 4,500-

1,500 goes immediately in rent- leaving them with 3k
1,000 goes to creche- leaving them with 2k
Kiddie stuff depending on how old the child is- could be a couple of hundred a month- keep in mind- under HSE rules- if the child is in creche and under 1 year of age- the parents have to supply all food too for example- nappies etc- all add up. Say you're now down at 1,500
With 2 people in work fulltime- and travelling a distance- between the two of them, and the creche- they will need a car on the road- its entirely plausible that you're now down at around 1,000.
Groceries, lunches, coffee, work clothes for both parents, any socialising (not that the parents of a young child will be) etc etc- you've got 250 a week to play with.

So- instead of castigating the OP and suggeting he is bad at budgeting and should be onto MABs- if you look at where his outgoings are- its very easy to see how his finances are screwed. The 1k a month creche fees- and associated costs- which could be 1,500 a month in total- aren't that far removed from the net pay for one or either of the parents after tax and deductions (ok- they're less- but effectively you have a parent going to work- for just over 100 Euro a week after tax and deductions- which is a criminal inditement of the manner in which creche fees aren't tax deductible and there is no low cost childcare for workers in general- as the OP would be seen to be wealthy- despite not having two pennies to rub against each other).

OP- I genuinely feel for you- and I know what its like (I have two young children- and both my wife and myself work fulltime).

It really boils down to making the most ridiculous of prioritisations- do I pay a plumber to stop a water leak in the house- or do I pay the 144 a month for medication at the pharmacy. As for any unexpected events- a car breakdown- a parent needing to see a specialist consultant- or even a partner getting their hair done- this can be deal breakers.

The OP genuinely needs sympathy here- don't look at the 100k gross salary that he and his partner are on- look at the fact that they'd broadly have the same net pay- were one parent to stay at home.

Ireland's complete and utter lack of any help for families who are working- based on flawed assumptions that we're better off in work than out of it- even on decent salaries- is a sad reflection of the crap priorities the government have had over the past years- and unfortunately is something we supposed to simply put up and shut up over.

The children of today- are the taxpayers of tomorrow- it wouldn't hurt to recognise this salient point.

Sound Bite

Op I'm pretty sure you probably are a very good father.

You seem overwhelmed & are not enjoying fatherhood as a result.

Do you & your wife operate a monthly budget, I.e. net salary less outgoings to ensure you don't overspend? What why does the €100k divide? Would it make financial sense if the lower earner worked part time or stayed at home until your child is going to school?

I think you need to talk to your wife about your thoughts. Children need love & shelter, not money.

Diamond Doll

God I really felt for you reading that post.

It reminded me of a post I made on another thread recently - about how becoming a parent is like jumping off a cliff, in a way. It's not like being stuck in a job you don't like where you can always work towards a new career, or like being in an unsuccessful relationship where you can always walk away. Once you become a parent, that's it - you're that child's parent for life, for good or for bad.

And I know what it's like to be an expectant parent, hoping and dreaming for the best ... but with that niggly feeling of doubt in the back of your mind. What if you don't succeed at being the parent you hope you can be? And I guess for most parents - while they go through the normal worries and anxieties any new parent experiences, they are overall satisfied that they're doing a decent job.

However there are those of us who end up in the dark place you're in now, where it feels like you'll never be good enough, you'll never be one of those parents who can keep everything going. My self-confidence was completely shattered after I had my baby. As it turns out I was suffering from PND - but I've read recently that many fathers suffer from a form of this, too, after the baby arrives. However it wasn't diagnosed at the time. I can imagine it must be even tougher being the father and having to go out to work every day, then coming home to do the night feeds and try to get on top of everything else, too.

When I say my self-confidence was shattered, I don't just mean my self-confidence as a mother. It started with that - I quickly realised that I could do all my research, read every parenting article, go to all the classes, but even with the best of intentions I was never going to be the 100% supermom that I'd thought I could and should be. I realised that, on a good day, I'd be doing well to hit maybe 50%-60%. And that terrified me. When I thought that this was the most important thing I ever had to be good at. I thought my son would grow up damaged somehow as a result of me being unable to give it my all, every single day. I was failing as a mother, and as a partner. I gave up on having a social life and lost touch with a lot of family and friends. I lost any interest in my appearance or my clothing, because I was fat and ugly anyways.

When I did return to work, I was suddenly unable to do my job which I had excelled at in the past. I second-guessed myself at every stage, I couldn't make the smallest decisions, I had to check and recheck my work constantly because I could no longer trust myself not to make mistakes. And if that's how much I doubted myself at work - in a job I knew I could do because I'd been doing it for years - you can only imagine how much I doubted my ability to mother my child, a job that was brand new to me.

My life, in many respects, fell apart at the seams. I'd like to say that I ploughed on through and got through it myself, but that hasn't been the case. I've had to seek professional mental health treatment. Medication, lots of counselling and group therapy. And I'm still very much a WIP, but I can see light at the end.

I think the key for me was really learning to forgive myself for all the perceived failings along the way. Learning to accept help from family and friends and the professionals, trying to believe again that I deserved that help and trying to believe them that they were only too willing to offer their support. I'm lucky that my partner has been an absolute rock of support, and you might be surprised at how understanding your partner might be if you can only find a way to open up to her about how you're feeling.

Ask yourself if you were viewing yourself from the outside ... would you see a man who's failing at life? More than likely you'd only see the successful father providing for his family. Sure, you have money issues - who doesn't? So long as you're keeping your family fed and with a roof over your heads, you're doing fantastic. Sure, you might find fatherhood difficult - you'd be amazed how many parents (and especially fathers) find it extremely difficult to bond with their babies until they turn into toddlers/small children. You might find it difficult to bond with your baby, but believe me when she's old enough to run around and play and have giggling fits and look for her own little adventures, chances are you won't be able to help but bond with her. For now, it's fine that you mightn't feel like you have the same strong bond with her that she has with her mum. She grew inside her mum for nine months, she probably spent 90% of her time for at least the first six months with her mum. You didn't have that time, and the time you did have with her was probably quite stressful trying to catch up on household chores etc, it's understanding that a relaxed bond hasn't come naturally to you just yet.

You mentioned seeing a counsellor but it may be time to visit your GP. And if your GP can't help you, try to find one with a good background in dealing with mental health issues. Perhaps medication might help, perhaps a course of CBT (I've heard this is very effective for a lot of people.) And please talk to your partner, let her in. You don't always have to be the strong one, and it sounds like you've been trying to keep that up for far too long.

Best of luck.

December2012

You don't say how old your baby is, but what can really help bonding is doing something physical with your child. If they are small, get a sling and bring the baby for a walk while wearing her. If you can, going swimming is a great bonding thing! It's hard when you've young children to do fun things from your former life.

But remember that life is for living now, I know €500 is a lot but did it give you and your wife something to enjoy with friends, that you or she looked forward to, or will remember fondly with friends?

You will make more money in future. Go to mabs and make sure you're using all your credits and have applied for housing you're entitled to.

Your family needs you, and you need them. Do you get any exercise? Maybe chat to your gp about your mood.

LegacyUser

I posted earlier as dippydoo - sorry, was on a phone, so I couldn't say everything I wanted to.

OP, I'm quite serious, you sound like my OH did. I don't quite understand it myself, and he can't (and often won't) try to explain it, but he's made the few comments that I posted earlier. I worry about money too but I really feel that things will work themselves out eventually, we can afford our bills but there's not a whole pile left to spare, and we have to just work with what we have. It is about cutting our cloth to suit our measure and to be honest, it's not going to happen overnight.

Your post is very confused. On the surface it seems to be money, but re-reading it, I'm wondering is there a bit more to it. Do you feel trapped doing small menial things in your job, or your home life? And if it is your home life, do you think that's because of the baby? How do you think the baby influences small, menial things in your job? And you say you can't get any space or privacy in your apartment (which, to be honest, I really understand). Is that the problem? And you can't afford to live in the area where your family and job supports are, but all your wife's emotional supports are near where you live now? How is that?

I'm not trying to be confrontational here, I'm genuinely asking these questions. I think you sound like someone who honestly needs some help, I'm not sure it's as simple as money problems - although that might be what you're struggling with the most. There's a growing acknowledgement that men can suffer from post-natal depression as much as women and let's face it, a baby is such a huge change. I know we've had to change a lot - and it's stupid stuff, like we would have gone out a lot with friends, and done a lot of sports, and that has all had to change. Our socialising is during the day now, and we've had to cut back on exercise and do it separately.But we're finding ways to manage, although it was very frustrating for a long time. We both miss the things we enjoyed pre-baby and it can be challenging to get out of the grind of looking after a small child, and do adult things. Having said that, we both adore our little girl, she's amazing.

As to what you can do to help yourself (I'm reliably informed that men are doers) to me, here are a few suggestions:

Visit your GP - I can't stress this enough, you do need to talk to someone, or to be advised where to go to talk to someone. I might suggest looking into the "Men's Sheds" group, and see if there's one in your area. And if you aren't already involved in some sort of sport, I would definitely recommend that.

Talk to your wife about how you feel

Do some activities with your baby - you haven't told us it's sex, how old it is, what it's like. Even just feeding and changing it a few times in the day/night will help you. Talk to it, sing to it and just chill with it. I'm assuming that your baby is at least past the 6 month mark (creche fees) so it must be fairly interactive by now.

Seriously consider your living situation. Do you have to live where you are now? Is there a chance you could find a house to rent for less money, even if it meant moving a bit further? That way you would have some space. Also as the baby gets bigger, you'll probably want a bit more space for it anyway, maybe some garden space too.

I live in Dublin too and those creche fees seem exorbitant (city centre or south dublin?). Could you look into the possibility of a child minder/a cheaper creche/possibility of maybe a parent helping out a day a week (Dublin isn't THAT big, you could surely manage to get the child to it's grandparents or vice versa???) or your wife or yourself reducing your hours? I know financially that last one may not be a runner, but it could be worth looking into just to do the numbers on it.

Ireland is not good at helping working parents, but there are ways and means around a lot of these things, especially on the combined salary you mention. Please seriously consider some of the things I've mentioned and please, please, please talk to your wife about how you feel. Best of luck OP, and it will all come together - but don't be afraid to ask for help.

keithclancy

The_Conductor wrote: »

100k might sound like a nice joint salary- however- the OP and his partner are probably netting in the region of 4,500 per month (depends on the sector they work in- public sector will be lower).

From this 4,500-

Monthly Net on a Joint income of 100k (50k each) is €5,903.00 per month in the 2015 Budget.

imitation

keithclancy wrote: »

Monthly Net on a Joint income of 100k (50k each) is €5,903.00 per month in the 2015 Budget.

Id guess its not quite an even split though which would affect that. It still doesn't change the posters point, the high cost of property and childcare mean that even a salary as high as 100k is insufficent in the capital. I mean its a regular theme now to see renters getting fed up of being outbid that they have to pay over the asking price. The cost of childcare means one person is practically working to pay somebody else and the only real benificary is the taxman who gets to garnish both salarys.

I wish you luck op, and I hope you can find help. I woulf try and stick it out if you can, things change but it might not be fast..

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I am a father of two. I empathize with what you are thinking and feeling. Money is a source of worry. I have walked in those shoes, and still walk in them. Money is always an issue, time is an issue, time for myself, my goals etc I think about it all, and i suspect you do to.

You sound really stressed. You sound like me a few years ago.
Others have mentioned MABS, budgets and talking with your wife. - That's sound advice and definitely tackles elements of what you describe.

Something I'd like you to consider is your mental health and how to deal with stress.
There are courses CBT or mindfulness and meditation.
(I'd have laughed at some of these a few years ago, but they are helpful, really helpful.)
It doesn't ever go away (its called being a parent) but the worry and stress fade more into the background and life gets more enjoyable.

Best of luck OP

Chemical Byrne

Hello OP. It is a frightening thread to read, almost shaking reading it, especially the bits about the lost social life, grinding monotony & 100k being insufficient to get by comfortably on. I don't know what to say to you only that I hope you can get help and find some peace in your life.
As with the other thread, you are one of the ones that made the decision to step off the cliff. You're now realising that there simply is no going back. Ever.

Not to derail your thread op but what you are experiencing is probably once of my greatest fears. I do want kids one day but it all sounds like such a damn sacrifice and now I'm beginning to change my mind having read so many stories or drudgery and misery on Boards. Pisses me off no end because I love my gf and she thinks we're on the same page and we are I suppose but I feel I'm starting to diverge on the children issue, for a few years anyway.

Dughorm

"I feel I am not doing justice to my spiritual side by continuing in this imprisonment."

What do you mean by your spiritual side op? Can you still explore this by going for a walk, run, swim, yoya, meditation, a silent prayer at your desk etc....

"How can I be happy? How can I start appreciating all the positives and stop torturing myself with worry and misery?"

Are you grieving your previous single life op? Having a family is all about the other people in the family - a life of self sacrifice in many ways.

But, this can be a beautiful thing! Like any grieving process you need to give yourself time to adjust. Be easy on yourself... the money is a secondary issue and isn't the answer to happiness. Time is a great healer. Enjoy the good moments along the way.

zeffabelli

First two years are a grind. Ride it out.

Look into how to tolerate uncertainty.

ShowMeTheCash

Cráiteachán wrote: »

Yet we are alive, healthy, and have many gifts to give our child. I just cannot rise to it, I cannot be the man I thought I could always be. I am not doing justice to either my wife or child, and I feel I am not doing justice to my spiritual side by continuing in this imprisonment. How can I be happy? How can I start appreciating all the positives and stop torturing myself with worry and misery? There are no winners in my current situation. None.

I am not going to focus on the financial aspect of your post, I think people have it well covered.

I am not going to focus on the idea that you might be depressed though I would suggest you go to see your GP none the less.

The words in the above paragraph seem to suggest you think your family would be better off without you in the picture?

But then you say your spiritual side... what do you mean by this?

Lastly and I think the crux of it, you are not happy!

You seem to be trying to justify leaving for the reason that you cannot handle it?

The post talks a lot about doing menial things or mind numbing things, which I translate into doing things you really do not want to do.

It almost sound like you had no idea what being a father would entail and now that your in it you don't want it.

Having children requires sacrifices, but people with families are successful sometimes it just requires more work.

In one hand I feel like saying dude you need to grow up or bail, if you bail then it just makes you a crappy father and someone of questionable character.
On the other hand, perhaps you are struggling with depression or if you can perhaps just get your handle on a few of the things mentioned that life will seem a lot better....

You yourself will know which you are, hang in there these things usually get easier with time.

Persiancowboy

THis op's post is about a lot more than money.

It's not clear what age he and his wife are or what their life was like before the baby arrived.

Was your baby planned? Had you both thought about what having a baby actually means (financially, emotionally, how it impacts on your personal time, work, leisure etc.)?

You come across to me as being almost resentful of your child and the impact it has had on your life. That's not very unusual...as the father of two teenage girls i can remember the huge changes their births brought on every as pect of our lives. I struggle now to remember what we spent our time and money on before they arrived. We were both permanently exhausted and our social life completely disappeared for several years (neither of us had any family in Dublin to help with child-minding or just giving us a break from the routine). But as a parent you have to get on with the job in hand which is to provide the nurture and love that all children need.

I'm going against the majority of posts here by saying you sound like a bit of a martyr. You have a child who is wholly dependent on you....it's not easy but try looking at the bigger picture instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Ann84

OP, what would you say if your wife wrote your post and was contemplating leaving you a single parent to raise your child alone - to financially, emotionally and practically parent alone?

I am assuming here but both decided to have this child and a bit of the reality of being s parent sucks and is scary...

But you can't send them back and leaving to pursue your spiritual development or so you would be financially better off would in my eyes be just so mean.
You signed up to making a baby and part of that is sucking it up and just getting on with things... You are not alone in mourning the life you used to have/ could have had/ would have had... And that's not wrong at all! I had a child accidentally at 21 and was BROKE and in a crap immature relationship and life sucked, I thought I had ruined my entire future... But I got on with it and that child is now 10 and life is much easier and I am getting around to doing a lot of things I thought I never would.

My advice, be sad, but get on with it, don't dwell and know that in a few years, things will get easier, childcare costs diminish, you'll earn more, you will get more freedom back when they go on sleepovers and you can get babysitters.. But right now, you have to get through babyhood and be fair to your wife also.

beatlesfan3333

I think you're getting a hard time on here. I don't think you should bail on your family but its good to talk about issues such as these. I think a lot of people find themselves in your situation, with a young family and they had no idea how hard it would be. My advice is for you to talk to your partner about this, hopefully she understands and helps you through this. Try to stay strong and perhaps counseling might help.

iusedtoknow

Ann84 wrote: »

OP, what would you say if your wife wrote your post and was contemplating leaving you a single parent to raise your child alone - to financially, emotionally and practically parent alone?

I am assuming here but both decided to have this child and a bit of the reality of being s parent sucks and is scary...

But you can't send them back and leaving to pursue your spiritual development or so you would be financially better off would in my eyes be just so mean.
You signed up to making a baby and part of that is sucking it up and just getting on with things... You are not alone in mourning the life you used to have/ could have had/ would have had... And that's not wrong at all! I had a child accidentally at 21 and was BROKE and in a crap immature relationship and life sucked, I thought I had ruined my entire future... But I got on with it and that child is now 10 and life is much easier and I am getting around to doing a lot of things I thought I never would.

My advice, be sad, but get on with it, don't dwell and know that in a few years, things will get easier, childcare costs diminish, you'll earn more, you will get more freedom back when they go on sleepovers and you can get babysitters.. But right now, you have to get through babyhood and be fair to your wife also.

Would you give the same advise to a woman going through the post baby blues/post partum depression?

While not specifically hormonal, the OP is obviously going through a bit of crisis and can't help the way he's feeling. Telling him to suck it up is not going to help.

he needs help and outsider perspective from perhaps MABS and/or a counsellor help him through it.

Ann84

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Would you give the same advise to a woman going through the post baby blues/post partum depression?

While not specifically hormonal, the OP is obviously going through a bit of crisis and can't help the way he's feeling. Telling him to suck it up is not going to help.

he needs help and outsider perspective from perhaps MABS and/or a counsellor help him through it.

As a woman who suffered post natal depression following an unplanned crisis pregnancy its the best advice I can give... Focus on the long game, try not to dwell as it does and will get easier...

It was the advice that was given to me, a bitter pill but very real.

Counselling is a great support also.

iusedtoknow

Ann84 wrote: »

As a woman who suffered post natal depression following an unplanned crisis pregnancy its the best advice I can give... Focus on the long game, try not to dwell as it does and will get easier...

It was the advice that was given to me, a bitter pill but very real.

Counselling is a great support also.

Well it wasn't very good advice. Medicinal/hormonal help is often required to help with it when it is really bad (i.e. wanting to throw your baby out of the window bad - a case my wife had to deal with when she was doing Psych rotation at a hospital) but the first stop for our OP should be counseling as it unlikely to be hormonal but psychological none the less.

Ann84

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Well it wasn't very good advice. Medicinal/hormonal help is often required to help with it when it is really bad (i.e. wanting to throw your baby out of the window bad - a case my wife had to deal with when she was doing Psych rotation at a hospital) but the first stop for our OP should be counseling as it unlikely to be hormonal but psychological none the less.

Very different experiences clearly but the OP's post doesn't sound to me like his thinking is skewed, more that he is feeling lost, under pressure and strained and missing the simplicity of life before children which happens a lot of parents I am sure.
My advice is based on my read of his post and while you may not appreciate it my phrasing (suck it up), I stand by the fact that those financial and time pressures do ease with time as a child gets older.
Sorry your wife had such a hard time but it also sounds very extreme, not everyone suffers to that extent or in that way.

iusedtoknow

Ann84 wrote: »

Very different experiences clearly but the OP's post doesn't sound to me like his thinking is skewed, more that he is feeling lost, under pressure and strained and missing the simplicity of life before children which happens a lot of parents I am sure.
My advice is based on my read of his post and while you may not appreciate it my phrasing (suck it up), I stand by the fact that those financial and time pressures do ease with time as a child gets older.
Sorry your wife had such a hard time but it also sounds very extreme, not everyone suffers to that extent or in that way.

She was treating a patient as a physician where "suck it up" is not usually in their vocabulary for male or female patients when they need help.

Neyite

OP, its been documented that men can experience post natal depression. I reckon that its pretty common - its the most lifechanging experience a person can have. Toss sleep deprivation, and I can see why a man can hit a wall.

The mum gets all the support -quite rightly, as she's going through the physical changes and hormonal changes, but the way a child coming along affects a man too is often overlooked. My partner often felt helpless because I was the one who spent all day with the baby and learned the different cries and had the knack of burping and so on.

Someone told us in the early colicky days, "everything is just a phase and it will pass". That was my motto during very tough days and one you might find helpful at the moment. Please talk to your GP though, I do think that you need help in order to help your family the way that you want to.

bp

Hi OP, this immediate bond is a load of crap...for my first I bonded the moment I knew I was pregnant and it was lovely etc. My second was a tougher pregnancy and birth and the bond took a while and to be honest 3 months later still isn't the same as with my first - but getting there.

Babies are exhausting, exasperating and draining but one smile can make you forget the rest. You sound like a good person and father just don't force it.

You will get your life back. My in-laws have just hit 70 and are off to China soon.

Good luck and talk, talk, talk. It's ok not to be ok - talking helps

seamus

zeffabelli wrote: »

First two years are a grind. Ride it out.

While this is the brutal truth, that's not to say you only learn to love your children after two years.

But the first one is tough. It's a change into a life that most people never experience until a child comes along - that of having someone completely and utterly dependent on you. Gone are the days of being able to just decide you're going to to the shops, leaving the house and meeting your mates in the pub on the way out. Every part of every day now meticulously revolves around the location and welfare of your child.

And of your partner - nobody wants to be the mother/father who saunters in and out of the house at will letting your partner take up all the slack.
But at the same time we all need our personal space. Whether that's time spent sitting on your bed reading a book or bungee-jumping off a cliff, it's vital for mental health that a person gets "me time".

Nobody really tells anyone this before a child comes along (not in any serious sense), and there aren't many supports available for parents who feel like this. There can also be resentment - your mate John stills seems to manage to play football on Thursday evenings and go to the pub almost every Saturday with a 3-month-old. "Why isn't my wife as accommodating, why do I have to be stuck here all the time helping out?".

It takes a significant amount of time to come to terms with the fact that this is your new reality. I guess "come to terms" is the wrong phrase - your life and routines adapt. You previously had a whole set of routines (mostly unconscious) by which you ran your life. They're all gone, you need to build a whole new set of routines. This is distressing for everyone and it can take more than a year before you really get these routines set up and comfortable again. It's mostly done unconsciously though, so you can't force yourself to settle into it. Like a new couch, you just have to keep sitting on it until it feels like "yours" again.

That's not to say you need to put up and shut up. Don't be afraid to talk to your partner about this. She knows you've seen counselling, but does she know exactly how much you're worrying about this? Keep talking. Talk talk talk talk.

Id guess its not quite an even split though which would affect that.

File jointly and the split is irrelevant, the income is treated as one for tax purposes.

At the end of the day it's nearly €6k per month. I am really curious as to why the OP feels he cannot save a bean on that. Just going by my own figures with two adults with a baby in an apartment, the OP should still be able to live pretty comfortably (few beers every other week, no worries about unexpected plumbing bills, etc) and still put away about €500/month.

The main thing which I can think would affect this is if the OP is putting away a large chunk (~20%) into a pension.

Payton

This post reminds me of just over 26 years ago when my beautiful daughter was born.
I was 22, we were looking at buying a home, a family home with little (and I really mean little or no money). The whole change of life, your hobbies, social life, career, mental well-being changes for what seems the worse and the constant struggle to just survive. The really only good advice is it will get better!! Not over night or weeks or months but it will.
My daughter was 26 during the week and I always thing back from where I came from and thankfully how she shaped my life, Honestly I wouldn't be the person I am without my daughter or son in my life for reasons I won't go into here. It's a two way street, you shape their life and they shape yours.
Take each day as it comes....enjoy the simple things like a trip to the park, the beach, a walk in the forest with your child take plenty of photos because you'll look back on those times and that's when you'll realize it's worth the world...it beats sitting in a bar with your mates over a few beers, or playing a game of golf. It's quanlity time over quantity time is the key.

LegacyUser

OP, all I can say to you, and it's the absolute truth, is that it gets better. So, so much better.
We had an extremely hard start to our daughter's life, you name it, we had it. Money worries, job loss, diagnosed depression, bereavement. Add those things to a baby and well, it was the hardest two years of our lives.
But it gets so much easier, you adjust, you start to enjoy it.

I hated the baby stage. They take and take and take, you're ground down with the demands. Then one day, when she was about to turn 2, I realised I had been happy for a while. Really happy.

She is 5 now and it's hard to even imagine how bad I felt back then.

Nobody tells you the truth of how hard a baby can be on a relationship. Some people adjust immediately. Loads don't.
Some mothers and fathers bond from day one. Some take months, years. Once the baby is cared for you're winning this game.

You will get there. Try to find joy in little things. My big treat to myself for two years was a Starbucks frappucino every Friday, I'd take the little one in her pram around nap time. She'd snooze and I'd have my treat. Little things like that meant a lot at the time. I realise that sounds crazy but it was my time out during the week.