My Father is cheating on my sick mother

mcrose

My Dad, after recently wrecking the family car after a night of drinking, admitted while he was inebriated that he had been spending every night of the previous month with a woman who is not my mother. Until then, my sister and I thought that he had a drinking problem- as he used to have a high dependency on drink, when questioned about his evenings out and if he had a drinking problem- he became offended and admitted that he was spending time with someone who isn't my mother and leaving my sixteen year old sister alone with her in the house while he went to this woman's house.

My mother has had multiple sclerosis for over sixteen years and subsequently cannot walk unaided, or be left unattended for a long period of time. Because of this, my father is her official carer, but he has permission to work for some periods of time when he can. With this situation in mind, every summer when I had to come home from college, my sister and I would care for our sick mother while he went to work. Because of this, having finished college and living in an extremely rural area, I agreed to take care of my mother while writing part time.

This summer however, everything changed. My father loves to boast that he is both a father and a mother to my sister and I- in reality he is barely even a father. He would frequently duck out of family situations in the past, and has a history of cheating on my mother. When I was eight or so, he had revealed that he had been having an affair while working away, my mother having recently been diagnosed with MS begrudgingly agreed to take back my guilty father- though I'm pretty sure she told him that she wouldn't put up with it again. When I was fifteen, I found out that he had been having an affair with my mother's friend, one of the only people my mother depended on as we has moved to a new area- back to my father's home place. I kept his secret then as my mother's health had depleted significantly as well as her mental health and she had no family that would support her, or look after my sister and I.

Again, my sister and I had suspicions about what he was up to, but when he admitted that he had shirking his responsibilities to go and spend time with this woman, our relationship is irrevocably broken. My sister and I would take care of our mother all day, preparing meals and leaving one aside for him, when he would come home from work, he would shower, change and go out straight away- a pattern he followed every single night I was home, and my sister revealed he had been doing it for two months before. He would claim he had to go to 'meetings' or meet customers, and even went as far as to forgo my sisters graduation ceremony from junior school to go and spend time with this woman.

My stomach feels sick talking about this, but he completely abandoned his family and left his responsibilities to his 22 and 16 year old daughters who after taking care of our mother for so long have no other work experience. My mother doesn't know as she is so ill that it would only break her heart and debilitate her further.

He's so unapologetic about it, less than two weeks after he admitted what he had been doing he came home from work, ate the meal I had cooked and left, saying that he 'was going out for a while' this was at 8pm, finally coming home at 2AM following an angry phone call from me. He claims to be remorseful- yet he continues to do it regardless of how it affects his daughters and their own mental capacity. I'm pretty sure the woman is from his Caring for Carers group which he frequently goes away with on 'breaks', though he doesn't do any of the actual caring.

Mentally, I'm not sure I can take it any more. I have only recently come around from a horrible bout of depression following a serious sexual assault from a male friend of mine and can only depend on my long suffering boyfriend. My sister, having seen all of this before and having kept it secret, is so cold and calm about the whole situation it's worrying, I'm terrified that the stuff she has experienced while I was away at college has seriously effected her on a deep level. I'm currently staying at my boyfriend's mother's house while she is away and while my boyfriend works a 12 hour shift, but I can't stay here forever and I'm dreading having to go home- even to get my stuff. I have no money, jobs won't hire me because of lack of working experience and I shared a car with my father.

If anyone knows what I should do- please tell me because I'm completely lost.

DeltaWhite

Hi OP I hope you don't mind me saying but I think maybe you should ask a mod to move this to Personal Issues. There's some great boardsies that frequent there and I really think you will get some good advice there.

So sorry to hear about your situation, can't even imagine how difficult it is for you, your mam and sis. Particularly your younger sis. 16 for me was the worst age ever. Life is difficult enough as a 16 year old and all that thrown in aswell. I really don't know what to advise you but just know that you must be a very strong person, your mam is very very lucky to have you and your sis in her life.

Wish you all the best OP

ash23

Hi op. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
I am a parent and have MS. I'm early stages so still in good health but I can assure you that in years to come, I wouldn't want my children to go through what you and your sister are currently living through.
I'm not sure how unwell your mother is but as far as I'm aware, MS doesn't affect you mentally other than forgetfulness. But I'm sure your mother has more or less full use of her mind.she probably suspects the affair but is choosing to ignore it, perhaps thinking its better for you and your sister.
Perhaps if she knew how you both felt she'd be able to make some decisions that would have a positive impact. And even if she chooses to do nothing, well then you know that she is somewhat OK with the affair and is choosing to turn a blind eye to it.

I think you should talk to your mother and tell her that you're worried about her care falling to your sister as your father is preoccupied and that you all need to come to some sort of arrangement where your mother is getting quality care without being a burden on you or your sister.

MS Ireland might be worth contacting as they have respite care and could probably offer some good advice about carers etc.

mcrose

Hi Delta White,

I was unsure if I had put this under the right thread, as I'm new to boards.ie. I have posted in Personal issues and am trying to figure out how to delete this post, but it doesn't seem to be working.
Thanks very much for the advice!

DeltaWhite

mcrose wrote: »

Hi Delta White,

I was unsure if I had put this under the right thread, as I'm new to boards.ie. I have posted in Personal issues and am trying to figure out how to delete this post, but it doesn't seem to be working.
Thanks very much for the advice!

Don't worry one of the mods will sort it for you good luck and take care x

mcrose

Also thanks for the advice ash23. My mother also suffers with some mental health issues which make her MS doubly hard to deal with in some areas. Its because of these mental health issues that my sister and I have kept the information from her, fearing that she would go as far as to try and end her life if she found out about my father's affair. I would love to tell my mother, but looking at her I'm not sure if she could deal with the outcome of it all. As she's natively from england, she has no immediate family over here and her close family aren't very dependable or considerate of my mother's illness.

I suppose I have a lot of thinking to do over the next few days, but thank you very much for the advice, it's well needed.