Am I with the right person or am I just jealous?

Vikinki

When I first started dating my girlfriend, like most relationships, it was great. Both of us seemed to be on the same wavelength, and as interested in each other as the other was. We have a long distance relationship, and see each most weekends. When we are together, we get on great in each other’s company. We have being seeing each other 5 months.
Everyone loves her, she’s beautiful and fun. She has so many friends, from her home, from college, from different jobs, friends made through friends of friends etc., its huge! I on the other hand, don’t have many friends at all, and very few I would see regularly. I am a very likable normal guy, and I think I’m very funny. I’m not a recluse and prefer to hang out with people. I get on well with people, can chat away easily to strangers, or to her friends when I meet them for the first time etc. I don’t suffer from any social anxiety but I never seem to make a connection or am interested to make them long term friends. Being with my GF really highlights how little I have in my life.
During the week, I’m either at work, or maybe the gym/running. I don’t have friends who would call me to meet up etc, or many living nearby to call over. I’m living here nearly 3 years, and other than the work social life, I wouldn’t have much options for socializing. I’m embarrassed to tell her I don’t know anyone up here when she comes to visit. She nearly always has someone wanting to meet her when they know she’s up. I know I haven’t done anything to make friends too, but that’s another post . When I go out with someone, I drop everything else, and everyone. I have always preferred to hang out with my girlfriend. I always make them the center of attention, and make them the top priority. I’ve done this even when I had friends around like in school or college. And rightly or wrongly, it worked OK for my previous girlfriends, but she is different, which I’m hoping it good! I’ve tried to stop this and not make a deal out of it if she’s busy some weekends for example. With me not having an active social life, it’s always her-self that’s busy, not the other way around.
She comes from a big family where they are all close, and friends with each other’s friends. Their home sounds like a mad house, plenty of goings on, people coming and going, parties etc. My home life is so different. A third of us has either died and another third immigrated. I know different doesn’t seem bad, and my family does get on with each other, we just don’t have the same closeness and fun they seem to have.
She has traveled a lot over the years too, did the usual Oz & South America etc. plus a few more. She has these stories of just heading off and seeing all these amazing places. I’ve traveled a good bit through Europe, but I never went that far. I don’t know where my 20’s went without giving it too much thought to go travelling. I seemed to think of work (it’s not as though I’m career motivated and worked in great jobs) and be happy with the few hols a year.
As I spent most of my 20’s with the wrong girl and not realizing it until I had wasted so many years, I wanted to ask if you think we are too totally different people, who won’t find common ground, or are these just stupid jealousies I have that need to be resolved and got over? I know people say opposites attract, but I don’t trust my own judgement fully after my past mistakes. Are my doubts based on these jealousies or is it that I think we aren’t a good match?
Sorry for the long rant, hope you can help me on this.

DEmeant0r

Do you have any passions? If you do, then join a group or club with people doing the thing you're passionate about and I'm sure you'll find people you'll actually want to hang out with quite easily.

You're obviously not happy about the current setup or you wouldn't have written such a long post.

If you want a more active social life, the only thing I can suggest is to find people who you want to hang out with more often. Our perhaps you could join your gf in some of her social activities? That would also show you're making an effort to get on with her friends/family.

Wabbit Ears

She sounds brilliant and, out of everybody else in her life, she loves you, warts and all as they say. You're like the luckiest guy ever and don't realise it.

CaraMay

You sound like a great match. Don't over think it and create problems where there are none.

Vikinki

Just got the heave-ho, so guess I was with the wrong one after all! Thanks for all the advice!

CaraMay

No way????? Why was that?

Jotunheim

Vikinki wrote: »

When I go out with someone, I drop everything else, and everyone. I have always preferred to hang out with my girlfriend. I always make them the center of attention, and make them the top priority. I’ve done this even when I had friends around like in school or college. And rightly or wrongly, it worked OK for my previous girlfriends,

I know you've just broken up and I don't want to kick you when you're down, but just to point out something you might want to learn from; the bolded bit above is just not true. If something worked, then they wouldn't be exes. It may have propped things up in the short term, but it didn't make a good relationship, if it did you'd still be with them.
Not only did your approach not work for the relationships, but it appears to have affected your social life too. I suspect your limited social life and your resultant unhappiness and fears for the relationship that's just ended stems from that and is probably (in part at least) what's caused the breakup.
This might be a good time to address your social life and its impact on your relationships. Start by realising that your previous approach didn't work and if you repeat the same pattern, you'll get the same result.

Vikinki

Hi Jotunheim, ya I know you are totally right. I do need to sort that out before anything else good will happen. I just wish I had done so as my ex was pretty amazing. I dunno if it was my issues alone that caused it, but It definitely didn't help.
I wish I knew how I got here, but even though I don't have many friends around, most of them who are bore me. Maybe I need to be single and just be me. I get slagged a lot for always having a girlfriend. Pity, as this one was special to me.

beks101

It sounds like a compatibility issue.

Your ex was very independent, had a lot of things going on, lots of friends, lots of places to be. Whereas from what you've described, you seem to just plod along until you've found someone to call your girlfriend and then you build your life around her.

I'd find that insufferable in a partner to be honest. To have the sole responsibility for his life, his happiness, his entertainment, his social plans...I'd probably run a mile to be honest. She sounds like the type who might find it overbearing too.

Your friends' comments about you says it all. Why do you feel the need to always be in a relationship? If your friends bore you, find new ones. If you have no hobbies, devote the time you'd spend with your OH to developing new ones. Take up photography, learn French, start CrossFit, join a hiking group. Whatever it is you like to do - do it, and find others who like to do it too.

That's what's attractive in a partner. Someone who already has a brilliant life, and wants to bring you along for the ride. And when you have your own thing going on too, you can incorporate them in that aswell, introduce them to your friends, your hobbies, learn something new to love about your partner. Appreciate their need for their own life so you're not stuck in a co-dependent rut.

That's probably what you need to be focusing on in the months ahead.

Schlafzimmer55

Whatever you do OP do not join clubs purely to meet women, it's ridiculous. Women are everywhere, talk to them, chat them up and if you like them ask them out.

A woman should never be your priority in life, your purpose and your path should be your priority.

benjy1000

Hi OP.
I am in exactly the same position as you. I logged on here to write something practically similar to your post so thanks for saving me some time! I got the heave ho last night, the exact same situation as yours. She had a Big close family,lots of friends, loads of ad hoc stuff going on which all added to the attraction for me( The way you described yourself is exactly how I would describe myself!) but deep down the last fortnight or so I kinda knew she was slipping away from me, as disappointed as I was last night when I got the call I wasn't totally shocked, but hey I've been here before and I know now how to deal with this properly and will move on over the next few weeks with time. Talking it out to close friends and sharing my feelings and not keeping it all in as I used to do ( which is totally the wrong thing to do) and I will make more of an effort with the social aspect of my clubs that I am a part off. Just on a side note we are actually meeting up tonight just for a chat and a drink as there was no big drama or falling out and it would be nice just to say goodbye properly and talk things out a bit but I am under no illusions that is over and I will never see her again after tonight which I think I am ok with it although i am sad as it was good fun. Keep busy OP ( as that is key and delete all contact as tough as it is but it MUST be done) and best of luck in the future!

Vikinki

Hi Benjy, glad I could help Sorry to hear you news too. We met up last night as well, was good to finish without any drama, and on good terms. Ya I'm not to one to bother someone, she was clear and honest about it, so doubt I'll see her again. C'est la vie! Ya I'll keep busy! Have no weekend free til August oddly so that will keep me occupied! Need to be braver to try new things, living life too safe! Best of luck to you!

zeffabelli

I read this very differently.

It looks like a classic introvert/extrovert partnership.

These are pretty common and often work as long as both parties understand each other, that the extrovert understands all that socialising is exhausting and has to be limited and the introvert understands that the extrovert needs alot of social inputs.