Is this inappropriate from a manager?

LegacyUser

So im in my job 9 months new, first job after college and I was delighted to get it. The work is interesting, the people Im working with seem sound and although my boss is a bit moody at times, hes a nice fellow most of the time. I started playing the tag rugby etc and Im doing my best to make a good impression. Thing is, sometimes at coffee break, my boss will make what I think is an inappropriate remark about other members of staff and Im left feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to do or say. Two remarks in particular lately, we have a new hire and Im training him on basics of the job, logins, reporting errors etc, and hes a very quiet guy but seems a good worker. Lets call him Dan. At break the other day, we got chatting about the office BBQ and Im single and the lads know it but my boss was saying "Eh....that Dan fellow, is he riding anyone?" to which someone just shrugged and he says "Oh well, I think there might be a few gays at it if he comes"....I could see a few people laugh nervously but looked unsettled.

Its not as if the boss is a raging anti-gay foulmouth but I just think (maybe im being naive) managers should keep this kind of talk to themselves as Its a bit strange. Another time recently he was pushing one of the lads for more info on another new female member of staff "Where was she before this? Where does she live?". Now i must stress that he is just asking this as part of conversation and I dont think he knows hes being inappropriate, hes also married himself. Its not the kind of thing i can make a complaint about *Eh...my boss gossips sometimes" but i really dont know what to do if this comes up again. Does this happen in every workplace or is he crossing the line??

Mrs OBumble

I don't see either of those remarks as over the line.

Especially the second: where I am, when someone new is introduced the usual questions are 1) where were you working before this, and 2) where are you from.

Just don't engage in conversations like that yourself. If asked, say you don't know.

Tefral

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Just don't engage in conversations like that yourself. If asked, say you don't know.

This x 1million.

Just become a sponge OP, absorb everything but leave nothing out. Its not beyond the bounds of possibility that this guy is sounding you out also, I've seen many people fall into this trap.

If you can get on with managers and keep all that you see quiet, you'll be in a position of trust and this will benefit you down the line.

Chemical Byrne

I think the comment insinuating that Dan might be gay is completely and totally inappropriate. Especially so coming from a manager. He could land himself in a lot of trouble if he is not careful.

kippy

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I think the comment insinuating that Dan might be gay is completely and totally inappropriate. Especially so coming from a manager. He could land himself in a lot of trouble if he is not careful.

Agree, it's a totally appropriate comment.
Tough one for the OP.
Generally, you can go to HR over this type of behavior but realistically if you value your job etc you'll do as others have said. Keep quiet and don't get involved in that type of behavior.

Carlos Orange

I don't see anything inappropriate in the second part unless he is trying to get an actual street address, in isolation from other behaviour anyway.

The first one is the sort of stuff a manager (or anyone in a workplace) is much better avoiding , especially with people they barely know. Maybe Dan is gay or maybe he just means Dan is a good looking guy.

You seem a little tightly wound (based on the second part) and it is a totally new type of interaction so maybe it is worth confiding with someone else in the office who knows the lay of the land. In an ideal world you would just mention feeling uncomfortable to your manager but that could be a terrible idea.

QuinDixie

That gay remark is totally inappropriate, and if you complain and others back up what was said, your boss may no longer be your boss.
Really it is up to you, you are young and need the job but at the same time working with nobbs is not good for the head.

Do not listen to any poster here who says that gay remark was not inappropriate, you know it was or you would not be posting on boards.

the_syco

QuinDixie wrote: »

That gay remark is totally inappropriate, and if you complain and others back up what was said, your boss may no longer be your boss.

As the OP has been there 9 months, they'll have an idea of who is pals with who. If the boss makes these jokes a lot, bare in mind he may be pally with HR, so check who is friends with who before reporting him.

Eoin

notsure2015 wrote: »

"Eh....that Dan fellow, is he riding anyone?" to which someone just shrugged and he says "Oh well, I think there might be a few gays at it if he comes"....I could see a few people laugh nervously but looked unsettled.

Its not as if the boss is a raging anti-gay foulmouth but I just think (maybe im being naive) managers should keep this kind of talk to themselves as Its a bit strange.

Maybe it's from many years in a multinational with an abundance of policies, but yeah - I'd find that inappropriate from a manager. Not even the gay remark in particular either. If it got back to a new female employee that the boss was wondering if she was riding anyone, I don't think it'd go down too well.

What can you do though? As others have said, just stay out of those conversations.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies people. The hardest thing for me to grasp was a manager making a few nosy comments as if he was out in a pub with mates. I know some people are nosier than others but I genuinely thought that managers would not gossip even to each other never mind their direct reports, maybe that was a naive. Have any workers here ever faced a similar situation ?
As for the boss I'm going to try just smiling and shrugging it off if he makes another comment like that I really don't want to cause trouble at this point in my job.

mikemac1

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

I don't see either of those remarks as over the line.

The 1st comment is waaaay over the line!

BabySlam

OP, you are getting good advice here about not engaging and not encouraging gossip. I feel very sorry for the staff the Manager spoke about - how spiteful, immature and unkind he seems. Your own behaviour can demonstrate that you are professional and respectful to all colleagues. Good luck in your career.