So fecking lonely, and it has been going on for too long

LegacyUser

I'm finding this increasingly difficult. I have a drink problem, and it is pretty much my life outside of work. It is taking over everything, but I do not believe I will be quitting anytime soon. It has become so embedded in me, that I've actually lost the will to try and stop.

I can't do anything anymore. I can work - because I have to - and I enjoy my job a lot. But, outside of work, I can't motivate myself to do anything. I have just wasted three days by doing nothing and struggling to get myself out to do some shopping. I had taken a few days off because work was extremely busy, and I tend not to take time off because there's too much to be on top of, and I swore to myself that I would use these days in a good way.

I just didn't. It's really horrible. I start off by forcing myself to get ready and have a shower and washing my hair and doing my makeup, and, by the time I'm done with that, I don't want to leave the house. All I want to do is stay in bed.

I wanted to go and buy new clothes - I'm actually on a very good wage, so I can buy stuff no problem, but I can't actually go out and do that. I so badly want to have new things and go into work feeling good about myself. This can't even go out shopping thing has been going on for months. Often because I don't have the time. But even when I do have the time, I can't make myself go.

I feel like such a failure. I took two days off work, and then today is Saturday, so that's three days, and I did nothing. And other people (or me in a past life) would have done so much with all this time off.

There's loads going on where I am. But the thought of going out is just - not even an option. And, I'm so lonely. I wish I had a friend or something, but I don't. It's a horrible circle where I don't go out to meet people, and then I don't have people to meet.

I feel like such a loser. I'm so fed up with trying to appear normal in social situations - where everybody talks normally about what they've been upto for the weekend, their plans for the evening, etc. Actually - scratch that - not even social situations - work situations.

And this is self pity, but I'm so sick of this. I'm a nice person. Why can't I have just a little bit of real life. Like a friend, or a night out, or a good experience. And it's me. I could go out and join a group, or make mates. But the drink and the constant time-after-time-again failure to even make it out of the house, is making this an impossibility.

It's a bit harsh, and it's been going on for too long. I really don't know what's going to come next, except going on and trying to keep my head up in public.

Rubberchikken

are you in a place where a visit to AA or to your gp is the next step?

to me you seem like you've reached a stage where you want more from life than just work/drink and if that's true then with help and support you'll achieve that.

highly1111

You need to set little targets. Easy little things and do one a day - e.g. I'm going to the supermarket, I'm going for a walk, I'm going to the library etc etc. You need to take the drinking one step at a time. Have you been drinking since Wednesday evening. Make a conscious decision not to drink today. Then make the same decision tomorrow. Why are you drinking so much? Are you an alcoholic? Is this a recent thing? What triggered it?

Finally, I think some therapy would really help you. Look up or ask your gp for a recommendation - your mental help is suffering and you sound depressed.

You sound like a lovely smart intelligent person who has lost their way. Something must have triggered this. You're in a dark place but there's loads of help for you. Idleness breeds idleness so the less you do, the worse you'll feel. Set a small target and mind yourself. Maybe go online (if the thoughts of going out are too much) and try and make some friends. You'll get there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I thought I wasn't going to get any replies there for a while.

Here's the thing - I am desperate. It's not even a thing where a small life change will make a difference. I'm reaching the bottom of the pit, and I'm seeking out help left, right, and centre, and even where I do get replies from the you guys on the thread (which is very much appreciated), I don't know if it is enough.

I don't actually think I can beat this. Here's a new one. My hands have veins sticking out a lot. I think this is maybe due to dehydration. I'm 30. The effort to keep talking to my family at home and making them think I'm ok is getting to me. I can keep on with work.

LegacyUser

And just to say, it wasn't that I thought I wasn't going to get a response 'cause you guys aren't helpful. Sure - everybody thinks that their problems are bigger than others. And I've been fighting, and fighting this, and I hope to still keep fighting. But it's been a fair while, and I'm not winning, and it's really hurting. And the worst is that I don't really have a choice to give up, because I have family and they can't have me go off and do something stupid.

Merkin

How much are you drinking OP? Have you sought help for it?

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I think you know yourself that the drinking side of things is probably behind most of the rest of what's going on (the social withdrawal, the lack of motivation etc). It's probably time that you reached out to someone for help with it, if you feel like it's too big a problem for you to handle on your own. If you're drinking an awful lot, then I'd suggest your GP as the first port of call to discuss your options. There is help out there to cut down or cut it out, and when it's gone you'll be surprised how the energy comes back and you have a lot more time (and money) for meeting people and going places. It's hard to imagine a life without the drink but it's totally possible. Well done for facing up to the problem and good luck with sorting it out.

ScumLord

TooLong wrote: »

Here's the thing - I am desperate. It's not even a thing where a small life change will make a difference. I'm reaching the bottom of the pit, and I'm seeking out help left, right, and centre, and even where I do get replies from the you guys on the thread (which is very much appreciated), I don't know if it is enough.

We're not really the people to be talking to though. It's good to come here and get support so you realise what your feeling is something that happens to people and there is a route to happiness. But you need a professional. Your GP may be able to organise some sort of retreat, it's all to easy to get into a rut and get stuck. Getting away from everything and talking to some professionals who can test whether this is a side effect of circumstance or a medical condition.

Don't let the doctor focus on the drinking though. I think your drinking is probably a side effect but GPs can often focus on trying to fix the thing they know before doing anything else.

Unfortunately no one can fix this for you, people can help but you have to make the decision to change and if you're feeling so bad you probably have nothing to lose by completely changing your life, as you say your at the bottom of the barrel so any change is probably going to be an improvement, you won't make things worse.. But do get help, when you have people pushing you you're less likely to sit still.

santana75

Theres a lot going on here OP. Too much, I think for you to get a handle on by yourself. You're in a good position financially which is a very good thing because you can afford counselling, which is what I think you should really look into. Just to have someone to talk to about this, because at the moment its your dark secret and secrets like that create shame, and shame is toxic. So not even to "fix" yourself, but just to have a non-judgemental person who'll hear you out. That by itself is massive. But the most basic thing you need to do is to accept yourself. Followed by loving yourself. Thats it. Theres no manual for that Im afraid, but if you just start out on that path to self acceptance, you'll get there, thats the way it works. You make a decision and things will come to you as you need them. I know its a cliche to say it, but everything you need is actually inside of you already. But somehow along the way you stopped believing that. You just have to get back to that point and you can. Go see a good counsellor and start today. Dont stop moving forward.