Ignored birthday

LegacyUser

Hi all
I just want to know am I overreacting or not about this. It was my birthday last week, my boyfriend got caught up with work so ended up not seeing me the nite before or the day/nite of my birthday, it took until two days later to see him, this was with no apology or anything, he carried on as normal as if it was an ordinary weekend. We did nothing at all to mark it and he didn't even stay over. I didn't get so much as a card from him. really a card and 4 euro flowers would've at least shown me he was thinking of me. I also haven't seen him since as he's so busy with work. I feel I make a lot of sacrifices for him around his job, his free time is scarce, but now I'm beginning to think he's taking me for granted. Also to add to this, I didn't see him on my birthday last year either and he swore it'd be different this year. He however had a big birthday last year which I organised a party for which he was thrilled with. Am I right to be upset?

pookie82

Yes you are. Absolutely.

It's funny how sometimes things like birthdays put stuff into perspective for us. For me, personally, it's a day I really love. I don't put any heed on most romantic holidays or anniversaries, but my birthday is special to me and I like a bit of fuss on it. Some people aren't the same, but if you made it clear that's how you'd like YOURS to be spent, then he's being careless, at best, about your feelings.

Some people might say "just don't go all out for his next year", but that's missing the point. I was in your shoes once - going all out for a bf's birthday because I loved him and wanted to treat and spoil him, and when mine rolled around it was all but ignored.

Moreso than just missing/ignoring the day itself, it's reflective of him not really giving a toss about your feelings, not wanting to make you feel special on the one day of the year that's "yours". Let's face it, most men don't put too much heed on special occasions, they often dislike the hassle of picking gifts and are sometimes not the most thoughtful at thinking up romantic things, but the majority still DO it, because they're aware of the hurt that would be caused if they didn't.

Being busy at work is an excuse, but only a partial one. How stressed is he in general?

Did you remind him on the day or beforehand? Most men WILL need a reminder coming up to these things, as dates and anniversaries etc. are not always as important to them as they are to women. But if they HAVE been reminded, and still choose to ignore it, that says a lot about the amount of small effort they're willing to put in. Unfortunately what he did here tells you that his mindset is "I know it's her birthday but I really don't have time for this, I'll just tell her I'm busy and she'll get over it like she always does".

Have a chat with him about feeling taken for granted and explain that the birthday was just an example of how careless he is with your feelings. Would it have killed him to write a quick card and bring you for something to eat?

It baffles me when guys can't see how much this would mean to a girl, and if you're too busy to do it on the day itself, for god's sake do it within the week.

You'll probably get a few replies here saying "I don't care for birthdays" etc. and that's grand - for them. But you do, and your (fairly simple and straight forward) needs weren't met here at all.

skallywag

Sorry to hear that OP, and I can certainly understand why you are upset.

Did he even acknowledge it at all, i.e. any chance he forgot it completely?

bee06

I'm one of the "I don't care about birthdays" people but I would be hurt by this as well. Fair enough if he didn't find time to make a big fuss but a small gesture doesn't take much effort.

OneOfThem

Every year it's the same thing, I'm going about my business one day and a message comes in on my phone "you happened to be born on this day several years ago, so this is me acknowledging that fact" and I think "Oh yeah, that's a factual statement all right, but I'm not five and you're not my mother, so why are we going through the pantomime of pretending something significant has occurred?".

So I tend not to remember birthdays sometimes, my own included. It doesn't mean I don't care about people, or myself, sometimes it just slips my mind. So people, if it's important to them, remind me it's coming up.

You're perfectly entitled to feel upset if your birthday is an important event to you, just don't unnecessarily go reading deeper things into the fact he missed it than are there. And maybe next year give him a reminder it's coming up.

LegacyUser

Course you have a right to be upset. Absolutely zero effort there from him. But have to ask was he aware it's your birthday at all or did he actually forget? It sounds like he forgot from your post. I would be so disappointed it i didn't even get a card. And you went to a load of effort for his?
It is a bit worrying too that with this level of treatment and you are still doubting yourself as to whether you should be upset? You deserve better! You don't sound very confident. He's obviously not making you feel special at all, he didnt even acknowledge your birthday, he's your boyfriend! Are you used to feeling like this and not expecting anything from him?
Think you need to sit down and tell him how you're feeling, ask how he's feeling in the relationship and figure out what's best for both of your happiness going forward. Because something like this will inevitably happen again and you will be even more hurt.

power pants

To me birthdays are insignificant once ive gone from being a child. Just a normal day and all that..

However in this situation I can understand what the op is saying. Particulalrly when a big party and fuss was made over him last year and organised by op.

Not very nice behaviour at all towards you

Tilly

I love my birthday. I take the day off work, go shopping, go for dinner with family on the day and head out with the gang the weekend before or after. Birthdays are a huge deal for me, so if someone i loved forgot my birthday i'd probably be hurt too. Now if i dont get a text or call from my brothers i wouldnt stress cause they bearly remember their own birthdays but a BF. Well that would upset me a little.

Maybe have a word and let him know (again) how forgetting your birthday has made you feel. I'm sure he still loves you the same just doesnt value birthdays as much as you maybe.

pookie82

OneOfThem wrote: »

You're perfectly entitled to feel upset if your birthday is an important event to you, just don't unnecessarily go reading deeper things into the fact he missed it than are there. And maybe next year give him a reminder it's coming up.

But last year he missed it as well and she was told he'd "it'd be different this year".

He's let it slide, again, out of carelessness for how she might feel or like to celebrate it.

How hard is it to get a card and bring someone for dinner? Is it SO much effort to be nice to someone on the anniversary of their birth when a simple and inexpensive gesture would make them happy?

I don't buy into this "I forget my own so I don't care to acknowledge yours" lark. If you don't like your own, that's sound. If she does though, get off your arse and write a card.

She says he was "thrilled" she threw him a party last year - so clearly he's not adverse to having someone go all out on his. He just doesn't bother to reciprocate in a small fashion when her time comes. That's selfish.

ManOfMystery

I personally don't expect presents or a fuss on birthdays, but when you are in a relationship it would be nice if your other half even acknowledged that it is a special day. Especially after promising to do so the previous year.

So yes, at best it's thoughtless on his part, at worst it's selfish and inconsiderate and could be a sign - amongst others - that he takes you for granted.

OneOfThem

pookie82 wrote: »

But last year he missed it as well and she was told he'd "it'd be different this year".

He's let it slide, again, out of carelessness for how she might feel or like to celebrate it.

How hard is it to get a card and bring someone for dinner? Is it SO much effort to be nice to someone on the anniversary of their birth when a simple and inexpensive gesture would make them happy?

I don't buy into this "I forget my own so I don't care to acknowledge yours" lark. If you don't like your own, that's sound. If she does though, get off your arse and write a card.

She says he was "thrilled" she threw him a party last year - so clearly he's not adverse to having someone go all out on his. He just doesn't bother to reciprocate in a small fashion when her time comes. That's selfish.

But that's not the lark at all. You're making a he same presumption as the OP seems to be, that he remembered her birthday but thought "ah fvck that bitch, can't be arsed doing anything for it for her". Which I just think is a crazy presumption to make. Far more likely he just forgot.

If you're someone that's absolutely mad about your birthday it's probably quite easy to remember birthdays. If your someone for whom it's never held any significance then it just is harder to retain the information to the forefront of your mind. You try, but sometimes one just passes you by.

It's not selfish, it's at worst forgetful.

If she'd have said on Monday "So, what you got planned for my Jarch at the weekend?" he may have spoiled her rotten.

I can 100% understand her being upset and disappointed, but you and her are hanging the guy out to dry as a selfish asshole that deliberately did nothing for her birthday when I think it's more likely he's just a dopey asshole that forgot all about it and would be probably be devastated to realise he's upset her by doing so.

There's no excuse for forgetting in the age of calendar reminders and smart phones imo
I don't remember dates at all so i write them in my calendar...
I think op is right to be upset and should ask what the story is

pookie82

OneOfThem wrote: »

But that's not the lark at all. You're making a he same presumption as the OP seems to be, that he remembered her birthday but thought "ah fvck that bitch, can't be arsed doing anything for it for her". Which I just think is a crazy presumption to make. Far more likely he just forgot.

If you're someone that's absolutely mad about your birthday it's probably quite easy to remember birthdays. If your someone for whom it's never held any significance then it just is harder to retain the information to the forefront of your mind. You try, but sometimes one just passes you by.

It's not selfish, it's at worst forgetful.

If she'd have said on Monday "So, what you got planned for my Jarch at the weekend?" he may have spoiled her rotten.

I can 100% understand her being upset and disappointed, but you and her are hanging the guy out to dry as a selfish asshole that deliberately did nothing for her birthday when I think it's more likely he's just a dopey asshole that forgot all about it and would be probably be devastated to realise he's upset her by doing so.

Last year when he missed it, the smart, quick, simple and thoughtful thing to do would be to take out his phone, open his reminder app (comes already built in) and whack it in for next year. There's little excuse for "forgetting" these things entirely when we all carry gadgets that we look at once an hour to help us remember. He could also, after the party she threw him, have thought "that was brilliant, I must make sure not to forget hers" and pop it in his calendar.

He did neither, clearly. Or maybe he did, but STILL chose not to make any effort for it. We have no confirmation yet if he forgot outright... the OP reads either like he a) forgot completely, or b) knew but made no effort. I was more inclined to think the latter, reading the OP (especially where she says "he didn't even apologise", indicating he DID remember at some point), but maybe she will come back and clarify.

pookie82

OneOfThem wrote: »

... but you and her are hanging the guy out to dry as a selfish asshole that deliberately did nothing for her birthday

She's not "hanging him out to dry", she sounds upset but not disgusted in her OP. The whole point of it was to check if she's being unreasonable.

I'm the only one hanging him out to dry because it irritates me with adults when they float along saying "oooooh I never remember dates! I'd forget my own funeral, me!"

Make an effort, electronically if needs be, to remember. After the first miss, and empty promise, that should be a given.

ShaShaBear

My OH used to always forget. All he knew was that it was the first two weeks of November, but always forgot what date. Facebook reminds him that it's coming up, as it does for everyone. I don't expect presents - never have. Not even a card for a girl like me. But a quick happy birthday and a kiss in the mornings, or a message on my FB is more than enough and he makes the effort every year to keep an eye on his Facebook, or he will slyly ask "what day of the week is your birthday this year, so I can see if I can get the night off work?". That's his cheeky way of getting me to check the calendar so he can see what date I'm looking for

pookie82

ShaShaBear wrote: »

My OH used to always forget. All he knew was that it was the first two weeks of November, but always forgot what date. Facebook reminds him that it's coming up, as it does for everyone. I don't expect presents - never have. Not even a card for a girl like me. But a quick happy birthday and a kiss in the mornings, or a message on my FB is more than enough and he makes the effort every year to keep an eye on his Facebook, or he will slyly ask "what day of the week is your birthday this year, so I can see if I can get the night off work?". That's his cheeky way of getting me to check the calendar so he can see what date I'm looking for

Exactly!

LegacyUser

op here. He remembered it alrite, I got a text that morning, nothing else was mentioned all day and I didn't see him for two days, no mention of it again. I told him I was hurt and he got quite cross.
Thanks for the insights, they're very helpful.

Minera

Oh no op I'm sorry!

Keane2baMused

Op is he generally like this in other aspects of your relationship?

If so I think you really need to ask yourself if you have a future with him...

BANNERMAN98

Tilly wrote: »

I love my birthday. I take the day off work, go shopping, go for dinner with family on the day and head out with the gang the weekend before or after. Birthdays are a huge deal for me, so if someone i loved forgot my birthday i'd probably be hurt too. Now if i dont get a text or call from my brothers i wouldnt stress cause they bearly remember their own birthdays but a BF. Well that would upset me a little.

Maybe have a word and let him know (again) how forgetting your birthday has made you feel. I'm sure he still loves you the same just doesnt value birthdays as much as you maybe.

I am the very same as you, as a guy, birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions are all very very important to me.

trio

Birthdays aren't massively important to me.......but there's a difference between not being that fussed about presents and parties and having the guy who's meant to be mad into you not give a fried ****e at all.

The Princess Bride

If I was you, I'd be asking myself how he is the remaining 364 days of the year.
I'd rather a partner who was great all year around and didn't make a fuss of my birthday, than someone who remembered my birthday but was a thoughtless a$$ the rest of the time.But that's just me.

Some families prioritise events differently.
Perhaps this has a bearing on how he is? Just because the majority of us put important dates in our diaries /phones, doesn't mean everyone does or should.

I think you probably need to acknowledge that there's a chance he might not change, so the question is, can you learn to live with this longterm?

jimd2

Doesn't sound like a keeper. Unless he is much more interested in and attentive to you the rest of the year I would get start to think about a breakup.

Crazy_Fool

sad and disappointed wrote: »

op here. He remembered it alrite, I got a text that morning, nothing else was mentioned all day and I didn't see him for two days, no mention of it again. I told him I was hurt and he got quite cross.
Thanks for the insights, they're very helpful.

Hey OP,

The fact that you told him you were hurt and he got cross doesn't exactly sit well with me. I mean what's he cross for, all you were doing was telling him how you felt about the situation. It doesn't seem like a mature reaction to me. Did he think you shouldn't be upset? Even if he doesn't think you should be upset a bit of understanding and talking things through goes a long way.

Diamond Doll

The Princess Bride wrote: »

If I was you, I'd be asking myself how he is the remaining 364 days of the year.
I'd rather a partner who was great all year around and didn't make a fuss of my birthday, than someone who remembered my birthday but was a thoughtless a$$ the rest of the time.But that's just me.

Some families prioritise events differently.
Perhaps this has a bearing on how he is? Just because the majority of us put important dates in our diaries /phones, doesn't mean everyone does or should.

I think you probably need to acknowledge that there's a chance he might not change, so the question is, can you learn to live with this longterm?

Yeah I'd kind of be in this same school of thought.

I reckon I'd probably forget my own birthday tbh if other people didn't send me messages on the day (and I'm sure it's only because Facebook reminds them to, in the majority of cases.)

If my boyfriend remembers my birthday, it's because either Facebook reminds him, or else I might (if it occurs to me it's coming up.) And vice versa - in fact, only as I'm typing this I've remembered it's coming up soonish - I know it's the first week of August, can't think what date. And we're together a few years now, living together and have a child together. Similarly I wouldn't be offended or insulted if he didn't remember mine.

Similarly we don't really celebrate Valentines Day. I'm not aware of any anniversary dates (nor is he) - I can't say how many years we're together, let alone knowing the date of our first date! Christmas, well we'll probably end up spending our Christmases together for the sake of our kid, but it's no big deal in terms of meaningful presents etc.

Sure I was asked my own child's date of birth today and got it wrong by three days and had to correct myself! (And we didn't celebrate our child's first birthday either, it doesn't mean we love him any less ... we just aren't really into the whole birthday thing.)

If I was going out with someone who was big into celebrating their birthday in style and expected presents and cards etc - I'd be grand with that, I'd get the card and presents and whatever - if they reminded me several times and made it clear exactly what was expected of me.

By the way, are you really sure that he was "thrilled" with the big party you threw for his birthday ... or could it have been a case that he appreciated your effort, but would have been equally happy not to celebrate it with a party? It sounds like he's not really into birthdays, so maybe he went along with the idea of a party because he could see it meant a lot to you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, well, I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship where neither of us is likely to throw a strop if a birthday is forgotten. On the other hand though, we'll often surprise each other with random little thoughtful gifts all year round. The birthday issue, it's obviously one area of incompatibility in your relationship. To me it seems such an insignificant thing to fall out over or to get upset over. I guess you need to decide for yourself how significant it is for you in the grand scheme of things, i.e. in the context of your relationship as a whole.

pookie82

sad and disappointed wrote: »

op here. He remembered it alrite, I got a text that morning, nothing else was mentioned all day and I didn't see him for two days, no mention of it again. I told him I was hurt and he got quite cross.
Thanks for the insights, they're very helpful.

So it's as I suspected...

The reason he got "cross" is because he knows he's in the wrong and was unfairly lazy about this but it's easier to make out that you're a demanding drama queen who's overreacting than it is to just admit he dropped the ball here and apologise.

I'd be giving him a wide berth for a while, sitting down with myself, and really questioning if this is what I'm prepared to accept from a relationship - someone who takes you so much for granted they not only do nothing for your birthday but get angry when you show you're understandably hurt. He doesn't sound like a very nice boyfriend, OP.

HelgaWard

The Princess Bride wrote: »

If I was you, I'd be asking myself how he is the remaining 364 days of the year.

I think this is really good advice. Although the fact that he got cross when you told him you were upset has him down to 363 days already.

I think you need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. Do you have fun with him, does he make you happy, do you enjoy each others company? He knew he messed up your birthday last year and he did the exact same thing this year, he knows he has and he has not done anything to try and show you that you are special, that he does love you and that your feelings are important to him.

It is up to you to decide if you are happy and if you are not, what you need to do to be happy,
Best of luck and belated Happy Birthday Greetings!!

I think you should organise to do something for your birthday, be it lunch with your best friend or something with your family. Something to mark your birthday that you enjoy.

pookie82

HelgaWard wrote: »

I think you should organise to do something for your birthday, be it lunch with your best friend or something with your family. Something to mark your birthday that you enjoy.

This is a nice idea, OP, and may help to cheer you up. Remind yourself that there are people around you willing to do something small but special to mark a day that's important to you.

You see a lot of threads on here about how the spark has left relationships, people over the years feel taken for granted with no spontaneity or passion left. Best case scenario they just fall out of love over time, worst case scenario they find the passion and attention elsewhere first and cause a lot of hurt to boot.

I don't think you can downplay the role a bit of romance and care should have in a relationship. Seeing as birthdays are important to you, are you prepared to go the rest of your life forgoing any thought from him each year, the one person who's supposedly in love with you? Having to "force" someone to do something nice for you kind of takes the good out of it. Why doesn't he want to? Remind him of course it's your birthday, but after that HE should have the cop on to give you even the smallest treat or gesture.

To a lot of men this probably sounds like an overreaction, something you should overlook if he's "nice to you" for the rest of the year. But as this goes on year after year, an annual reminder of how little effort he's prepared to put in, you're going to feel pretty undervalued in years to come.

zcorpian88

I can relate OP, on my last birthday my now ex girlfriend of nearly 2 years was basically a workaholic, she was/still is doing a phD.

My birthday was towards the end of October and I'm one for wanting to mark the day and have my close group of friends together to have a few drinks, it's hard to get all of us together but we manage it on birthdays. In my group I've always had to watch plenty of birthdays where if that person had a girlfriend she'd be there for their other half's birthday.

I'll add my relationship was a long distance relationship and I did 90% of the traveling in order to see her, never complained.

Truth be told on a birthday of hers last year I didn't make it up to see her, it was a long story but basically I was on the way up to her, it was a bank holiday weekend, Busaras was mental with people, but I managed to make it into my queue early so I thinking all was grand, until some fool of a staff member came up and asked me "Where are you going?" I told him very clearly where I was going, he then told me to go to another door to board the bus, I thinking "Oh that's strange because it states on the door where I am now where I'm supposed to go" so I the ejit for listening to him went to the door he said, and then a bus to Cavan pulls up at the door. I realizing this, I turn around and see the queue I was in before is now the entire length of the floor in Busaras and I'd have to go to the back, 5 minutes before they started to board, I stamped back over to the queue and slammed my bag onto the floor. We go to board anyway and myself and 6 other people get turned away and there wouldn't be another bus till 11pm which is no good to me because I rely on another lift when I got there and I wasn't going to drag people out of bed a 3am to pick me up, I told a supervisor this in Busaras and all he did was shrug his shoulders at me, before I got pissed off and walked out.

Nobody would rectify the situation or refund me until the following weekend and I missed the girlfriends birthday as a result which really bugged the life out of me, I didn't have the money to go the next day so I promised I'd make it up which I did, spoiled her rotten. The intention was for me to be there and I did everything I could to be there, I relied on Bus Eireann to get me there, and it went belly up due to a staff members incompetence and the fact it was a bank holiday rush, nothing I could do, there were no trains going either, must have been 6:30 in the evening.

My birthday comes around then a few months later, she tells me she can't come down because she has research to do (which I know for a fact she wasn't obligated to do) she signs up to these things willingly and it's a long distance collaboration with a colleague in America so she works well into the night because of the time difference. I tried to be cool with it, but I was disappointed, she basically threw some DVDs at me the week before it and not even a card and that was it, washed her hands of the whole thing.

I go out the following week on my birthday, everybody was there, including people I didn't even expect to be there that often work weekends, and everyone of them asking "Where's herself?" I then have to explain and have nothing but pity looks all night and I having to cover up how annoyed and disrespected I felt and try have a good night.

I go up to her again the following weekend and it's the same story, laptop glued to her lap, barely uttering a sentence at me, wouldn't even make up her absence or apologize. I began re-evaluating everything about the relationship in my head including other things which I felt I would be sacrificing, which includes the possibility of children one day as long as both of us were happy. She had this illusion from some article she read that because she has a high IQ that she would be statistically likely to give birth to an autistic child, which I didn't really believe and to me that is letting someone else control the relationship.

I tried to have a glass is half full attitude about this when she came out with what I thought was a bogus reason and kept thinking "She will lighten up and change her mind" but she kept saying it casually whenever we seen a kid on the street or whatever and I kept quiet.

She has a few issues with her biological mother also, she's adopted you see, and she has met her biological mother, there was also some self loathing issues there with her because of her biological mother, she despises the woman and I believe it is also partly down to her and doesn't want to continue the gene pool. Between feeling taken for granted, not being there for a day that it would be nice to have her there, not making it up even if I would bend over backwards to do anything for her, that made me re-evaluate everything and triggered everything else. Like I couldn't rely on her to change her mind on kids, could waste years of my life on hoping only for it to go nowhere. Felt neither of us had control and there is a lot of stuff in her head that stops her making a decision for herself, between these academic dickheads she reads about and the self loathing with her biological mother.

So I pretty much burned out and ended it, felt very unappreciated, unwanted and not very respected and valued and she just wouldn't be moved with sharing the same values and ideas and make some foundations of a future that is typical and traditional, Didn't want to go down this yuppie no children route which seems to be gaining in popularity among people that lived, slept and breathed college for all their 20s.

Took it's toll on me because there was a lot in her I could relate with but when she down right refused to spend some reasonable quality time with me and doesn't know when to take a break and live a little and on top of that letting other people outside the relationship control your life's decisions especially deal breaking decisions, all of it piled up and I had to jump ship.

amdublin

Jaysis zcorpian that was some essay about customer service in bus aras.

Op the fact that he knew about your birthday and did nothing does not sound like a good indicator. I would wager that it's it just missing your birthday is imagine that his behaviours amd actions on a lot of other days are not positive indicators either.

I'd advise you look at your relationship. Is this what you think a good relationship looks like?

Are you happy with having this kind of relationship for the rest of your life?

zcorpian88

amdublin wrote: »

Jaysis zcorpian that was some essay about customer service in bus aras.

Yeah I know amdublin, but I was highlighting that the intention was there to make her birthday a special day where everybody who was important to her was going to be there and how annoyed I was at the journey being hindered and botched resulting in my missing it and I did everything to make it up to her and I did.

Where I wanted the same courtesy back when she didn't show intentionally on my birthday and did nothing at all to make it up, I was disgusted really after all the effort I put into the relationship, it's a two way street, shouldn't just be one person making all the effort. Didn't even want the DVDs she got me, her being there and putting the work away and enjoy what's around her and having some quality time would have been enough, I'm not materialistic in my relationships, I don't look for expensive possessions off whoever, I just wanted the companionship and general loyalty, the same I was was putting in which means more than any present.

Usually it's the man that makes these mistakes, the woman can make them too, my case is an example.

JellieBabie

OP your boyfriend sounds like he doesn't really care about your feelings. Get rid.