Tell him or leave it

LegacyUser

I have a frustrating situation going on with a friend and I'd appreciate any advice or insights that people can give. In short, we've known each other a good while and I've always really liked him. Nothing has ever happened between us, but I've often felt that there's something there on his side too. However, he seems to blow hot and cold with it and to be honest my head is wrecked at this stage.

We're in the same social group but we wouldn't see each other that often. When we do, sometimes he's so nice and friendly and can be very affectionate to me. At other times then it's as if he can't stay far enough away from me. It's like I've done something to annoy him. I saw him last week and he's like this at the moment. I genuinely have no idea why. I can't think of anything I've done that might have upset him. We were getting on great the last few times we saw each other. I had actually hoped to work up the courage to say something to him soon about me wanting something more, but when he's like this I don't get a chance and also it doesn't exatly make me want to declare my undying love when he's being so moody. With any other man if they acted like that I'd avoid them like the plague as I don't feel that it bodes well if things go further. The problem with him is that I know he's a good guy and that he wouldn't deliberately try to hurt me. I would just really love to know why he acts like this. It's happened before. It'll go on for a while and then he'll be in great form with me again. Also it's specific to me as he's the same as always with everyone else.

Part of me thinks I should just leave him to it as I am sick of this. However, a small but persistent part of me wonders if maybe I should still tell him how I feel. This will be hard of course as he seems to be avioding me! I suspect he's maybe not great at reading signals and my fear is that this behaviour is actually because he's frustrated too. But then why wouldn't he say anything? I don't normally have these problems with men but this guy has me so confused.

fredtbvfh

LLiall wrote: »

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Maybe you could have a talk with him about this situation before you let him know how you feel. if this were a female friend, would you bring it up?

I think asking him why he acts cold sometimes might help you figure out if you really want to tell him how you feel. it could just be he's having problems elsewhere and it's just unfortunate that he's being affected by them when you see him.

How is he with you when he's not acting cold? Wouldyou think he's flirty or anything?

milli milli

Hi OP

I would try and talk to him about why he's being cold towards you. You can suss things out then.
He could in fact like you and that's why he's avoiding you - maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.

But tread carefully - when you said he blows hot and cold - that would worry me to be honest. If he does like you, he might not be sure how he feels about you. He might be immature and not ready for something.

Of course he may just be having personal problems and that's what's bothering him!

Just ask and see what he says.

Pawwed Rig

You are probably over analysing this. He probably does not consciously do this but is hanging with another friend who has his focus. If you have feelings for him then What're you waiting for?

power pants

It could be that he does infact like you a lot but maybe not enough to want to take things any further. Almost that he senses you like him in a possible romantic way and he holds back then as whilst he likes you , maybe just not in the way you would like

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice and viewpoints. To answer a question that's come up a few times, I did ask him about this once before. He apologised but didn't really give me a reason why and I was left none the wiser. After that he was grand for a while but eventually the same thing happened again. I probably should bring it up with him again but the problem is that it's hard to get a chance to do that at the moment.

I think the people who suggested that maybe he doesn't know how he feels or he doesn't feel strongly enough might be right. That's kind of what I was thinking too. He's had a lot of time to think about it though and I can't be waiting around forever for him to make up his mind. It's sad because I rarely have feelings like this for anyone, but his behaviour puts me off and makes me think that I'd be better trying to make a go of things with someone a bit more straightforward.

OneOfThem

Just guessing, but it sounds like he is out in the wind. He likes you, and you start getting close, but then it doesn't lead anywhere, so he pulls back, thinking it might all be only one way from his side. So he goes the complete opposite, and keeps his distance completely. He's as confused as you are as to whether there is any reciprocation and goes between trying to get a feel for how you think and then figuring it's a no go and pulling back completely. Then second guessing himself and trying to sound things out again.

Could you not just ask him how he feels about you? Everything sorted out in 17 seconds?

Pawwed Rig

LLiall2 wrote: »

He's had a lot of time to think about it though and I can't be waiting around forever for him to make up his mind.

Think about what exactly? Take control of your life and ask him out. If he says No move on.

LegacyUser

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

Anyway, there are a few things that could be going on here:

1) He's not that interested and just enjoys the self esteem boost from flirting with you.

2) You're over-analysing him being 'cold' and he's really just distracted by something else.

3) He acts hot and cold because he feels like he's acting inappropriately or is frustrated by nothing actually happening.

Thanks for the male perspective. I don't think it's 1) as he doesn't seem the type, although of course anything is possible. Probably a bit of 2) going on at times but it wouldn't account for everything. 3) that's my fear and also how I feel. I've been afraid of saying anything in case I'm the one that's acting inappropriately.

You say you mentioned it before though, was this long ago? What were the circumstances? If it was a casual comment maybe he just blew it off thinking you weren't serious, but if you sat down and had a proper heart to heart and he wasn't interested, perhaps you'd be better off leaving it.

It wasn't a casual comment. He would have known I was serious as I asked him directly why he was being off. It was a good while ago though.

OneOfThem wrote: »

Just guessing, but it sounds like he is out in the wind. He likes you, and you start getting close, but then it doesn't lead anywhere, so he pulls back, thinking it might all be only one way from his side. So he goes the complete opposite, and keeps his distance completely. He's as confused as you are as to whether there is any reciprocation and goes between trying to get a feel for how you think and then figuring it's a no go and pulling back completely. Then second guessing himself and trying to sound things out again.

Could you not just ask him how he feels about you? Everything sorted out in 17 seconds?

That could be it OneOfThem but the pulling back makes it very hard to ask him how he feels. I find it tough saying that to someone at any time but when that person spends the night making sure they're not alone with you or making polite but disinterested conversation then it's almost impossible. It feels inappropriate to say anything of that kind as it's almost like talking to a stranger and I end up feeling frustrated and upset. It is the obvious solution though.

CaraMay

Op I think you are overdoing the benefit the doubt here. He doesn't exactly treat you well does he? I think he knows you like him and it's making him uncomfortable. He doesn't sound like the type of guy to waste your time on.

ManOfMystery

As I see it, there is one of two things going on here

1) He's a moody person, prone to highs and lows. He would be like this regardless of who he is with, and his temperamental behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with any interest (or lack of) in you. He is probably like this with everyone.

2) He wants something to happen between you, but is perhaps to shy/nervous/unsure to initiate it. As such, he's waiting on you to do it. And this moodiness is a passive/aggressive thing which may be happening just to get you to show more interest and concern in him.

I was friends with a girl who did the passive/aggressive thing, and her behaviour had me stumped for a while until she admitted why she was acting like that. It's very immature and incredibly annoying when you're exposed to it.

retro:electro

If you like each other why don't you just cut the crap and get together? It's sounds so overly complicated when it doesn't need to be. Maybe his head is wrecked with it all, I wouldn't blame him.

TheManiac2000

LLiall wrote: »

I have a frustrating situation going on with a friend and I'd appreciate any advice or insights that people can give. In short, we've known each other a good while and I've always really liked him. Nothing has ever happened between us, but I've often felt that there's something there on his side too. However, he seems to blow hot and cold with it and to be honest my head is wrecked at this stage.

We're in the same social group but we wouldn't see each other that often. When we do, sometimes he's so nice and friendly and can be very affectionate to me. At other times then it's as if he can't stay far enough away from me. It's like I've done something to annoy him. I saw him last week and he's like this at the moment. I genuinely have no idea why. I can't think of anything I've done that might have upset him. We were getting on great the last few times we saw each other. I had actually hoped to work up the courage to say something to him soon about me wanting something more, but when he's like this I don't get a chance and also it doesn't exatly make me want to declare my undying love when he's being so moody. With any other man if they acted like that I'd avoid them like the plague as I don't feel that it bodes well if things go further. The problem with him is that I know he's a good guy and that he wouldn't deliberately try to hurt me. I would just really love to know why he acts like this. It's happened before. It'll go on for a while and then he'll be in great form with me again. Also it's specific to me as he's the same as always with everyone else.

Part of me thinks I should just leave him to it as I am sick of this. However, a small but persistent part of me wonders if maybe I should still tell him how I feel. This will be hard of course as he seems to be avioding me! I suspect he's maybe not great at reading signals and my fear is that this behaviour is actually because he's frustrated too. But then why wouldn't he say anything? I don't normally have these problems with men but this guy has me so confused.

LLiall wrote: »

Thanks for the male perspective. I don't think it's 1) as he doesn't seem the type, although of course anything is possible. Probably a bit of 2) going on at times but it wouldn't account for everything. 3) that's my fear and also how I feel. I've been afraid of saying anything in case I'm the one that's acting inappropriately.


It wasn't a casual comment. He would have known I was serious as I asked him directly why he was being off. It was a good while ago though.


That could be it OneOfThem but the pulling back makes it very hard to ask him how he feels. I find it tough saying that to someone at any time but when that person spends the night making sure they're not alone with you or making polite but disinterested conversation then it's almost impossible. It feels inappropriate to say anything of that kind as it's almost like talking to a stranger and I end up feeling frustrated and upset. It is the obvious solution though.

LLiall2 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your advice and viewpoints. To answer a question that's come up a few times, I did ask him about this once before. He apologised but didn't really give me a reason why and I was left none the wiser. After that he was grand for a while but eventually the same thing happened again. I probably should bring it up with him again but the problem is that it's hard to get a chance to do that at the moment.

I think the people who suggested that maybe he doesn't know how he feels or he doesn't feel strongly enough might be right. That's kind of what I was thinking too. He's had a lot of time to think about it though and I can't be waiting around forever for him to make up his mind. It's sad because I rarely have feelings like this for anyone, but his behaviour puts me off and makes me think that I'd be better trying to make a go of things with someone a bit more straightforward.

Hi OP,

Your situation is absolutely amazingly identical to mine even in detail which makes this an amazing coincidence only Im the guy who blows "hot and cold" in this case. The incidents about the guy in question that you have mentioned in fact are absolutely identical to my own behaviour too as I act exactly the same way around this girl, I dont know why but I do and of course at the moment I am absolutely torn up about her and how/why I am acting like such an idiot just when it looks like we are getting somewhere and we have those really nice chats only for me to revert back to being distant and just a general idiot.

Its probably unlikely were the same people though as this particular girl I have fallen for is a co-worker who I know has been seriously attracted to me immediately since I started that job a couple of months back. The fact in the matter is though that Ive always been a bit of a free spirit and a young man who only 2-3 months ago couldnt see myself in a relationship. I have never felt this way about anyone before hence why Im acting like an idiot as I genuinely dont know how to process these feelings and what is happening as its all new to me. The last 2-3 days have been complete hell though for me and Ive been a miserable git and cannot function at all as I feel she is at the stage you are at now where she is completely fed up of me and the way I blow hot and cold with her. Its almost like shes forgotten about me and the fact when I was in a couple of metres radius of her. All those lustful stares she used to glance in my direction are gone and when I am near her, its almost like shes going out of her way not to speak to me.

So as that guy I say totally go for it as he is almost a Carbon Copy of myself and is more than likely in love with you as I am with this girl co-worker and Im am sure he is just as torn up inside like I am at the moment and perhaps like myself he is confused and doesnt know what to do about these feelings.

TheManiac2000

LLiall wrote: »

I have a frustrating situation going on with a friend and I'd appreciate any advice or insights that people can give. In short, we've known each other a good while and I've always really liked him. Nothing has ever happened between us, but I've often felt that there's something there on his side too. However, he seems to blow hot and cold with it and to be honest my head is wrecked at this stage.

We're in the same social group but we wouldn't see each other that often. When we do, sometimes he's so nice and friendly and can be very affectionate to me. At other times then it's as if he can't stay far enough away from me. It's like I've done something to annoy him. I saw him last week and he's like this at the moment. I genuinely have no idea why. I can't think of anything I've done that might have upset him. We were getting on great the last few times we saw each other. I had actually hoped to work up the courage to say something to him soon about me wanting something more, but when he's like this I don't get a chance and also it doesn't exatly make me want to declare my undying love when he's being so moody. With any other man if they acted like that I'd avoid them like the plague as I don't feel that it bodes well if things go further. The problem with him is that I know he's a good guy and that he wouldn't deliberately try to hurt me. I would just really love to know why he acts like this. It's happened before. It'll go on for a while and then he'll be in great form with me again. Also it's specific to me as he's the same as always with everyone else.

Part of me thinks I should just leave him to it as I am sick of this. However, a small but persistent part of me wonders if maybe I should still tell him how I feel. This will be hard of course as he seems to be avioding me! I suspect he's maybe not great at reading signals and my fear is that this behaviour is actually because he's frustrated too. But then why wouldn't he say anything? I don't normally have these problems with men but this guy has me so confused.

LLiall wrote: »

Thanks for the male perspective. I don't think it's 1) as he doesn't seem the type, although of course anything is possible. Probably a bit of 2) going on at times but it wouldn't account for everything. 3) that's my fear and also how I feel. I've been afraid of saying anything in case I'm the one that's acting inappropriately.


It wasn't a casual comment. He would have known I was serious as I asked him directly why he was being off. It was a good while ago though.


That could be it OneOfThem but the pulling back makes it very hard to ask him how he feels. I find it tough saying that to someone at any time but when that person spends the night making sure they're not alone with you or making polite but disinterested conversation then it's almost impossible. It feels inappropriate to say anything of that kind as it's almost like talking to a stranger and I end up feeling frustrated and upset. It is the obvious solution though.

LLiall2 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your advice and viewpoints. To answer a question that's come up a few times, I did ask him about this once before. He apologised but didn't really give me a reason why and I was left none the wiser. After that he was grand for a while but eventually the same thing happened again. I probably should bring it up with him again but the problem is that it's hard to get a chance to do that at the moment.

I think the people who suggested that maybe he doesn't know how he feels or he doesn't feel strongly enough might be right. That's kind of what I was thinking too. He's had a lot of time to think about it though and I can't be waiting around forever for him to make up his mind. It's sad because I rarely have feelings like this for anyone, but his behaviour puts me off and makes me think that I'd be better trying to make a go of things with someone a bit more straightforward.

Hi OP,

Your situation is absolutely amazingly identical to mine even in the detail you provided which makes this an amazing coincidence only Im the guy who blows "hot and cold" in this case. The incidents about the guy in question that you have mentioned in fact are absolutely identical to my own behaviour too as I act exactly the same way around this girl, I dont know why but I do and of course at the moment I am absolutely torn up about her and how/why I am acting like such an idiot just when it looks like we are getting somewhere and we have those really nice chats only for me to revert back to being distant and just a general idiot.

Its probably unlikely were the same people though as this particular girl I have fallen for is a co-worker who I know has been seriously attracted to me immediately since I started that job a couple of months back. The fact in the matter is though that Ive always been a bit of a free spirit and a young man who only 2-3 months ago couldnt see myself in a relationship. I have never felt this way about anyone before hence why Im acting like an idiot as I genuinely dont know how to process these feelings and what is happening as its all new to me. The last 2-3 days have been complete hell though for me and Ive been a miserable git and cannot function at all as I feel she is at the stage you are at now where she is completely fed up of me and the way I blow hot and cold with her. Its almost like shes forgotten about me and the fact when I was in a couple of metres radius of her. All those lustful stares she used to glance in my direction are gone and when I am near her, its almost like shes going out of her way not to speak to me.

So as that guy I say totally go for it as he is almost a Carbon Copy of myself and is more than likely in love with you as I am with this girl co-worker and Im am sure he is just as torn up inside like I am at the moment and perhaps like myself he is confused and doesnt know what to do about these feelings.

TheManiac2000

LLiall wrote: »

I have a frustrating situation going on with a friend and I'd appreciate any advice or insights that people can give. In short, we've known each other a good while and I've always really liked him. Nothing has ever happened between us, but I've often felt that there's something there on his side too. However, he seems to blow hot and cold with it and to be honest my head is wrecked at this stage.

We're in the same social group but we wouldn't see each other that often. When we do, sometimes he's so nice and friendly and can be very affectionate to me. At other times then it's as if he can't stay far enough away from me. It's like I've done something to annoy him. I saw him last week and he's like this at the moment. I genuinely have no idea why. I can't think of anything I've done that might have upset him. We were getting on great the last few times we saw each other. I had actually hoped to work up the courage to say something to him soon about me wanting something more, but when he's like this I don't get a chance and also it doesn't exatly make me want to declare my undying love when he's being so moody. With any other man if they acted like that I'd avoid them like the plague as I don't feel that it bodes well if things go further. The problem with him is that I know he's a good guy and that he wouldn't deliberately try to hurt me. I would just really love to know why he acts like this. It's happened before. It'll go on for a while and then he'll be in great form with me again. Also it's specific to me as he's the same as always with everyone else.

Part of me thinks I should just leave him to it as I am sick of this. However, a small but persistent part of me wonders if maybe I should still tell him how I feel. This will be hard of course as he seems to be avioding me! I suspect he's maybe not great at reading signals and my fear is that this behaviour is actually because he's frustrated too. But then why wouldn't he say anything? I don't normally have these problems with men but this guy has me so confused.

LLiall wrote: »

Thanks for the male perspective. I don't think it's 1) as he doesn't seem the type, although of course anything is possible. Probably a bit of 2) going on at times but it wouldn't account for everything. 3) that's my fear and also how I feel. I've been afraid of saying anything in case I'm the one that's acting inappropriately.


It wasn't a casual comment. He would have known I was serious as I asked him directly why he was being off. It was a good while ago though.


That could be it OneOfThem but the pulling back makes it very hard to ask him how he feels. I find it tough saying that to someone at any time but when that person spends the night making sure they're not alone with you or making polite but disinterested conversation then it's almost impossible. It feels inappropriate to say anything of that kind as it's almost like talking to a stranger and I end up feeling frustrated and upset. It is the obvious solution though.

LLiall2 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your advice and viewpoints. To answer a question that's come up a few times, I did ask him about this once before. He apologised but didn't really give me a reason why and I was left none the wiser. After that he was grand for a while but eventually the same thing happened again. I probably should bring it up with him again but the problem is that it's hard to get a chance to do that at the moment.

I think the people who suggested that maybe he doesn't know how he feels or he doesn't feel strongly enough might be right. That's kind of what I was thinking too. He's had a lot of time to think about it though and I can't be waiting around forever for him to make up his mind. It's sad because I rarely have feelings like this for anyone, but his behaviour puts me off and makes me think that I'd be better trying to make a go of things with someone a bit more straightforward.

Hi OP,

Your situation is absolutely amazingly identical to mine even in the detail you provided which makes this an amazing coincidence only Im the guy who blows "hot and cold" in this case. The incidents about the guy in question that you have mentioned in fact are absolutely identical to my own behaviour too as I act exactly the same way around this girl, I dont know why but I do and of course at the moment I am absolutely torn up about her and how/why I am acting like such an idiot just when it looks like we are getting somewhere and we have those really nice chats only for me to revert back to being distant and just a general idiot.

Its probably unlikely were the same people though as this particular girl I have fallen for is a co-worker who I know has been seriously attracted to me immediately since I started that job a couple of months back. The fact in the matter is though that Ive always been a bit of a free spirit and a young man who only 2-3 months ago couldnt see myself in a relationship. I have never felt this way about anyone before hence why Im acting like an idiot as I genuinely dont know how to process these feelings and what is happening as its all new to me. The last 2-3 days have been complete hell though for me and Ive been a miserable git and cannot function at all as I feel she is at the stage you are at now where she is completely fed up of me and the way I blow hot and cold with her. Its almost like shes forgotten about me and the fact when I was in a couple of metres radius of her. All those lustful stares she used to glance in my direction are gone and when I am near her, its almost like shes going out of her way not to speak to me.

So as that guy I say totally go for it as he is almost a Carbon Copy of myself and is more than likely in love with you as I am with this girl co-worker and Im am sure he is just as torn up inside like I am at the moment and perhaps like myself he is confused and doesnt know what to do about these feelings. If I was you Id go for it as thats how I am feeling about the girl in question but we're both giving each other mixed signals at the moment I think its just turned into a huge mess

mangotracy

I was once single and happily so for a little while, and a guy liked me but I did the same - blew hot and cold as I really wasn't sure that I wanted a relationship.

The guy just straight up called me out - said to me directly that he was really interested in me, that of course it was a risk, but that if I kept blowing hot and cold he wasn't going to hang around forever.

And in the meantime he was so nice to me and had so much fun, lighthearted, that I found myself really respecting him and liking him.

- so I'd be direct but show him how nice it could be too, have fun together, but say you won't wait forever. He'll respect you for it.

HardenendMan

Another mans perspective here;

I think your over analysing it. Typically men don't act hot and cold on purpose. Do you notice he might be snappy with others when he is "cold" with you? If so he could be just in a bad mood.

My advice: next time yee are alone and he is acting weird. Say hey boyo you seem to be a right mood today. Would it cheer you up if we were on a date right now? He will probably cheer right up. If he thinks your joking then kiss him on the cheek and tell him you fancy him.

If he refuses your flirts then you have a definite answer. But so what. You can only try.

Maybe I'm more direct than most. I always recommend in laying the cards on the table. Do it early and you won't be as disappointed if you build up courage over a year.