Completely Hate Myself-Life Going Nowhere

LegacyUser

Hi, I'll try to keep this as brief as I can, but it might be a very, very long post, so I apologise in advance. Where do I start, basically I'm a 24 year old male (just turned 24 in May) and I just hate everything in life, feel like a giant failure. Myself, my situation, everything. Currently unemployed and hating it, having no luck securing anything at all no matter how hard I try.

Some brief background info, got a pretty bad leaving in school at 18 so I went to repeat when. That's when things kinda begun to get bad. Long story short my mother completely lost the plot when I was 18/19, alcohol addiction became worse and worse, until she pretty much went full blown alcoholic ; quit her job, wouldn't be at home for days on end, and anytime she was she would be drinking non stop. My father isn't and hasn't been in the picture since I was a kid so she was the only one supporting me and my siblings, so obviously this was a huge deal for us. My older siblings weren't really affected, they were working full time jobs at the time and lived away so to them they didn't really bear the brunt of it. My grandparents (her parents) set her up in rehab and stuff over the course of the next year or so, but it all didn't really work because a year later she had a giant relapse and went back to her old ways, where she still is now. I'll come to that soon though

So back to me, I'm 19 repeating my leaving and my world has kinda been flipped around, obviously I'm really torn up about my mother and things, I begin worrying non stop. How are we going to cope? We being me, and my two younger siblings. My grandparents help out and support us of course while my mother is in rehab, but it's still tearing me up. Older siblings nowhere to be seen, but to be honest I don't blame them for not wanting to be a part of it. Fast forward to when my exams come up, I completely feck up my LC again, only getting marginally better results. I blame most of it on me obviously not studying as much as I was before my mother went off the rails, but the whole ordeal shook me. I had no one to talk to or support me, I didn't have many friends while repeating, and my grandparents are very very old fashioned..they're odd, they acted like nothing was wrong while they looked after us while my mother was being rehabilitated. To this day they still kind of pretend like it never happened...it's strange. I was really depressed, angry, lonely, upset, and beginning to panic more and more about things, about my future, about my mothers health, about everything. I hated myself so much for not doing better in my exams, and for wasting a year of my life.

When my mother is finally home, everything is seeming back to normal. She's herself again, not drinking at all. I'm currently on summer holidays after the LC, with nothing to my name. I have a CV but it's poor, and isn't really helping me get any work. Living in a small town in Ireland and it also being a recession isn't helping me. My younger sister is still in secondary and my younger brother is too, so we are glad to have our mother back. She can't get her job back so she has no choice but to go on social welfare to support us..fair enough. She's keeping herself busy with volunteer work, reading, gardening, she's really doing well and no signs of drinking again. All is well with the world and I just hope to God I can find a job because I don't want to end up doing nothing.

The good spell doesn't last long. My mother ends up going out with a guy who also happens to be an ex alcoholic, and also a nasty piece of work to boot. One thing leads to another and before we know it she's back to her old self. Drinking every day, not showing up at home, being away in the pubs and staying in her boyfriends house most nights. At this time I am still struggling to find work so I go on social welfare to keep things afloat at home, seeing as I am now the only one at home capable of doing so. No one wants to hear about it..my grandparents wash their hands of the whole thing, older siblings turn a blind eye...I'm kind of left on my own. No one else to turn to as that's all the real family I have. My mother comes home the odd time...she still pays rent in our house, and helps out a little but not much. She has completely relapsed and as long as she stays with this man she will never go back to being her old self

I decide to weigh up my options and do something with myself other than sit at home. I spend the next year doing a PLC course in computers, at the end of the year I would be fully adept and qualified to use MS office, general computer skills, etc, all things I could put on my CV and help me land a job hopefully. I spend the year all the while doing most of what needs to be done at home, financially and everything else. A year comes and goes, things stay mostly the same, things are terrible and I'm falling apart from trying to keep it all together...my course was enjoyable and I ended up passing the year no problem and feeling optimistic about trying again to find work now. During the summer I'm having no luck finding work even with my new qualification and skills, but I keep trying. I try to keep myself as busy as possible but like I said everything is secretly falling apart around me.

My mother's drinking and my situation basically becomes second nature to me at this stage. I did my CEO while doing my PLC, as a back up plan if I wanted to venture to third level next year. Although I'm very broke and struggling incessantly at home, I calculate that I can just about do it. I get accepted into AIT in Athlone and I'm over the moon. I get some help from my local vincent de paul centre, they're very kind and help me out a lot covering my expenses with travel and the like until I get on my feet with my grant. I start out in college and it's all going great, keeping myself strong and everything at home while still studying and coping with college life. I meet a lot of new friends very easily, things are starting to look up. I'm doing well in my exams, and I'm feeling more confident. I try to find weekend work while studying but everywhere I try, I get denied, or get no word back.

I push on and end up passing first year. I make my way about half way through second year, and things begin to get worse now. My only means of income and way of supporting myself and the house is the social welfare, and it gets cut drastically. Going to college is looking like it's no longer feasible. I try my best to get help from the hardship fund and weigh up my options, as dropping out is obviously not what I want to do. Worst comes to the worst, I end up dropping out. Completely devastated, angry, upset, at everyone and everything. I end up becoming very depressed, I feel helpless, I have a CV that hasn't helped me secure any job in over 2 years, and I had to leave college, when things were looking up and I was enjoying it. Things at home get worse, I become lazy, unmotivated. Shamefully I admit that I spend the next 2 years doing absolutely nothing with myself..I gave up. I hate myself, I'm a giant failure, I'm a terrible example for my younger siblings, and my older siblings want nothing to do with me. I just feel helpless, like there's no way out, and no matter how hard I try that nothing works for me

Right now, today, things are much the same. My older sister had a baby, so becoming an uncle was a huge help for me in getting some self esteem back. My mother is a little bit better, she still associated with her alcoholic bf so she will NEVER stop her ways. I've realized now she will always be this way for life, and there's nothing I can do about her and her actions, but just accept how horrible it all is. My sister visits a lot more now at home, and my niece being born has made my mother become more sober. But I can't help but feel like my sisters intentions are self centered, when things were bad she was nowhere to be seen, but whenever she is busy or needs a break, she calls up my mother and makes her come home so she can babysit and look after my niece. When my sister calls in to the house, she acts like nothing is wrong. There's a huge elephant in the room....she pawns my niece off to my mother and leaves. Fair enough, she's entitled to a break, but I hate how she is only seeming to care now when it suits her

So right now I'm pretty much sick and tired of it all...just turned 24 and still living at home with no stable income or job, and no money, struggling. Dealing with personal issues of my own all the time while absolutely hating my situation..devastated at how hard life has been so far since school and how bad my luck has been. Trying my best to find work but still no luck, all I get is word back from places saying they're not interested at this time ,etc. People probably judge me as lazy and un motivated, but I really don't want to be in this situation, I hate it. It's like everyone in the family is turning a blind eye to the bigger picture. I just want to be happy and for things to change. I have little to no self esteem left, I feel like I'm trapped with no options. I get uspet all the time, I have my okay days and then I have my bad days...and today is one of them so I felt like coming on here and trying to vent some of this. Most people my age are flourishing, working nice jobs, I'm so jealous. Most people I know had loving parents who helped put them through school/college, and who supported them. Fair play and all but I just get so jealous. I'm not trying to blame everything on my parents not being filthy rich, but having a parent who actually supported me would have been nice. I'm trying my best but getting nowhere. I just feel trapped and like there's nowhere to go. I wake up everyday and despise the thought of facing the world and having to face myself, I just don't know what to do. MY CV is average at best and my past work experience is literally non existent, and I'm 24. Oh god

Sorry for a massive post, but thanks to anyone who took the time to read it.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Another day

You are not a failure. Kick that thought to the curb. Despite everything life has thrown at you, you are still here and motivated. You have stepped up when your mother couldn't. You kept your family together. Well done you.

Now has to be your time. I would suggest you speak to your gp or a counsellor to talk through your anger and self hatred. Next maybe think of volunteering in some area. Coach a team, your local charity shop, basically anything that will look good on your cv.

Next get someone to look at your cv and see how it can be improved. Then go to your local library if you don't have a pc or laptop and search for any job you think you could do. It doesn't matter how menial the job as anything at this stage will make you feel better about yourself and it will show future employers that you want to work and will do anything.

Have you thought of repeating 2nd yr of college? I am sure the college would be understanding. You need to step away from responsibility for your family. Your mother will have to sort things herself.

Best of luck.

Rubberchikken

You have had a lot to deal with and i'm sorry you've had to. 24 is so young to be feeling alone and unsuported.
But look at what you've achieved so far. You found the strength to resit the lc. You got into college and were doing well and making friends.
You're persistent and capable. You just can't see these things at the moment as you're feeling down.

Don't compare other peoples lives. They rarely are as good as they seem.
Focus on what you need from this life.
Your mom is trying to solve her problem with alcohol. Maybe encourage her to go to AA when she can.

You're only 24. You have your life ahead of you. Decide what you want to do with it. Good luck

PizzamanIRL

You are not a failure at all. Get that out of your head immediately because it won't bring anything good to your life if you believe that.

A lot of things happened to you that are out of your control. These things don't make YOU a failure.

You obviously have a lot of motivated bones in your body. You repeated your LC, did a PLC and went to college. That's a lot of work and it shows you are absolutely not a failure. I know that means nothing because at the end of the day you're still not getting jobs. The places you applied to just may not need someone. It's not that they don't want you.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. You've been amazing basically stepping up and being the man of the house when you had to. Your siblings will appreciate it.

Again I have to say YOU are not a failure. Don't think so negatively of yourself because of things out of your control.

average hero

Alright man,

I'll put it to you like this. No more honest can I be. I consider myself a survivor and a fighter for what I went through personally but you are twice the man I am. You are stronger than you know or think. I commend you.

Outside of that, some things that will help are:
1) Eat healthy and cut out the drink and smokes if you do either.
2) Take up exercise. For me, martial arts or boxing was a lifesaver. I developed self-confidence, got fit, looked better and learned a skill all at the same time.
3) Make a short term plan of what you want to do and where you want to be in a year. See if you can attain your goals.

You are very very young, do not benchmark yourself against others - you have your own race to run. Also, real strength is forged through hardship, not easiness.

Keep the head up.You're the man. You WILL get through it - but first is staying strong, even when you feel like not being so strong.

Good luck

milli milli

OP I really feel for you and I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.
All I can say is you are being really hard on yourself and to be honest I think you are an amazing human being for trying to better yourself and taking over the parent role and being a role model to your younger siblings.

Pat yourself on the back for your achievements - repeating the LC, getting into college, doing your best with the hand you've been dealt with.
You show a strong resilience - please don't give up. You will get there eventually.
As another poster said, it might be good to get your GP to refer you to someone to chat to. It appears you have nobody to lean on and unburden your troubles to. We all need someone to turn to.

You could have given up and turned to alcohol, but instead you are continually striving to do your best. You're NOT a failure, you're NOT a nobody, or whatever you may think of yourself.
Your mother has her own personal problems and she's the only person that can sort herself out.

Please have a chat with a professional, they will help you with your esteem and you will be able to move forward with your life. Things have gotten on top of you at the moment and to be honest it must be very stressful for you. It's ok to feel awful, but please don't think it's because of you. You are doing an amazing job, and life will be very good for you in future because you're a survivor, and a fighter.
Best of luck OP

Pretty fast

I wish you all the luck in the world OP. Maybe you should go and walk the Camino.

Minderbinder

If you stay at home in that small town I doubt things will ever change. You'll probably never get a job and the longer you don't have a job the less likely you will find one as you simply won't be suitable for work. You need to leave your town and move to a big city where you have a chance to find some low skill work. My advice to you would be look for hotel work during the summer. That is an area where you can start at the bottom but if you show initiative and a good attitude you can progress quickly.

Maybe you think you're helping your family at the moment but you're not. Use your social welfare to help you get a leg up in life. Do not spend it on your family. For now you need to forget about your family entirely. You need to get out of there. Get out of that environment. Leave a note or something but don't be reachable to them. Tell them to give you space to find your own way. Your older siblings have actually shown you the way. They don't come back to that mess because they're building their lives. Leave the nest.

Minderbinder

If you stay at home in that small town I doubt things will ever change. You'll probably never get a job and the longer you don't have a job the less likely you will find one as you simply won't be suitable for work. You need to leave your town and move to a big city where you have a chance to find some low skill work. My advice to you would be look for hotel work during the summer. That is an area where you can start at the bottom but if you show initiative and a good attitude you can progress quickly.

Maybe you think you're helping your family at the moment but you're not. Use your social welfare to help you get a leg up in life. Do not spend it on your family. For now you need to forget about your family entirely. You need to get out of there. Get out of that environment. Leave a note or something but don't be reachable to them. Tell them to give you space to find your own way. Your older siblings have actually shown you the way. They don't come back to that mess because they're building their lives. Leave the nest.

LegacyUser

I read your post OP, and I wasn't even halfway through it before I was thinking how strong you are. Seriously. You have taken a lot of s*(t in your life and still kept picking yourself up. That is strong, no matter what you think. You are 24, and you know what, that is still so young. Read how many threads there are here with 24/25 year olds posting about how lost they are, so you are definitely not alone in that.

Please don't measure yourself by other people. I know it's easier said than done, but you have achieved so much. I will second the comments about your family. This is about you now.You've given a huge amount to your siblings and your family, so concentrate on you. Get on to the college. See if there's anything they can do for you, anything at all. Explain your whole situation.If you don't ask, you won't get. If not, look at the Springboard courses out there, I think there are some 9/12 month courses available with internships built in at the end. See if you can get yourself into some of them, an internship would then get you contacts.

I would also recommend exercise, and a visit to your GP.You do need someone to talk to, someone who is removed from your situation and can see things in a more objective way. Even if it's just for an hour or two. I know you think it might cost money, but equally, they may only charge a nominal fee knowing your situation, so please at least go and ask.

You're strong OP, but you need to concentrate on just you for a while. Things will come right for you, keep fighting, it's worth it.

gline

Have to agree with above, if you stay at home, it will ruin you. Your number one goal in my opinion should be to save up and move to where the jobs are. There isnt really a reason for you to stay at home anymore. Try and save money from your social welfare. If you end up living in rented accomodation for 6months you maybe entitled to rent allowance, which will help you.
Also if at all possible, try and get back to college , you can apply as a mature student now, susi funding/free fees and BTEA should get you through that if you are entitled to them.