Should I Say Something?

Rick_

This has been playing on my mind recently so not sure what to do. Thought I'd run it past other people before rushing in and potentially making a situation worse.

To try and summarise it all up:-

My boyfriends ex-workmate (who has a physical and possibly mental disability and is secretly gay) has been messaging him asking if he'd meet up behind my back for sex, or just generally trying to get him engaged in sexual chat. This isn't new, he's been doing it for a some time now and previously did it before we got together, from random mobile numbers and anonymous profiles on dating sites etc.

My boyfriend told me about this straight away and showed me all the messages and his messages back saying he wasn't interested and asking him to stop. He even removed him from his Facebook but he recently decided to accept him again because them not being friends raised questions amongst his ex-work colleagues (who he is all still friendly with), as to why they weren't friends. Despite what he is doing, my boyfriend doesn't want to reveal what's really going on and embarrass him & out him at the same time.

Now, I would like to message this guy, tell him I've seen all his messages and if he speaks to my boyfriend one more time about sex, meeting up or anything of the sort, I will be contacting his work colleagues and telling them exactly what is going on. I don't have any intention to really, I would never out someone, but I feel the threat of that might be enough to make him finally stop. Threatening any sort of physical violence either isn't going to help (as much as I'd like it to!) and also, I feel like I can't/shouldn't say something as it would look really badly on me being that way with someone who has disabilities.

I just don't know what to say/do and whether I should say/do it. If it was you in this situation, what would you do?

BuffyBot

No, no, no, no, no.


No, no, no, no, no.

Do not get involved. It's up to your bf to resolve this one. He needs to block the guy and if anyone asks why (not that it is any of their business) he should simply say he received some nasty comments and simply decided it was for the best.

Unless he decides to tell anyone who enquires more details, then it is none of their concern who else he is friends with or not.

ongarboy

Agree with above. This is your boyfriend's battle and not yours. If this troublemaker is causing distress for your partner, then he shouldn't be concerned with how tackling it may offend the guy. Your BF needs to be more proactive here.

I suggest your BF makes it clear to the offender that he will not tolerate this type of behaviour again and if he continues with it, he will be making a formal complaint to management. This may stop the guy and there won't need to be obvious animosity to others if that is somehow a concern. However, if the offender still doesn't back off, then your BF should have no concern about how it might look to others. If someone was tormenting me this way and wouldn't back off despite requests to do so, if it came up during questioning from others as to why we were no longer friends, I would just say there was a falling out over a personal matter and I can't really comment on it further than that as it's personal.

Your BF will not come out of this well if you are fighting this and other future battles for him.

Plek Trum

That's one annoying situation to be in! Your boyfriend has made it completely and utterly clear to him that he's not interested and still this guys persists? I don't think its your place to step in, your boyfriend is honest with you and man enough to be able to deal with things I would imagine. If this continues and escalates your boyfriend should tell him that he'll be reporting him to the Gardai for ongoing sexual harrassment.

If it involved a male constantly bombarding a female with such messages it would not be tolerated. Pass it over to the them and let them deal with him directly. If he does have a mental disability then the Gardai will have a liason officer who should be able to get him the proper help / referral to learn that this sort of thing isn't acceptable. Better to have things all clear and follow official channels than to go on your own campaign with him!

Rick_

He's too nice/shy to be the proactive type and be strict/firm with him. He is telling him it has to stop and that he isn't interested but it isn't having any effect, hence why I felt it would be best if I stepped in and said something privately to him to hopefully put an end to it.

lyinghere

Your boyfriend needs to Block and ignore .

endacl

He's canny enough to keep his sexuality to himself. He clearly understands privacy and boundaries, yet chooses to ignore this when it suits him.

It's your BF's issue to resolve, but he should bear this in mind when addressing it. Just because an individual has an intellectual or physical disability, doesn't mean they're incapabable of behaving badly. I wouldn't threaten to 'out' the guy, but I'd leave him under no illusions that I'd be involving HR regarding the harassment. He made a choice every time he contacted your BF. Choices come with consequences, and I'd be leaving him under no illusions regarding the consequences of further inappropriate contact.

It's not your situation to deal with, OP, but you are in a relationship, and it is affecting you. Your BF has a responsibility to you first. You didn't invite this irritation. The two of you need to decide what's to be done, but your BF needs to do the doing. This third party has no place in your space.

jobbridge4life

You say he has a physical and mental disability and you think acting like a scorned housewife gone off the deep end is going to work out for the best? Your boyfriend is not going to do anything with this individual. So you have no need to worry or to interfere. If ignoring and blocking doesn't work to your boyfriends satisfaction then he should take the matter to HR, where they will have to deal with it in a private and confidential matter.

Annasopra

Your boyfriend basically needs to tell him to stop and tell him if he continues he will goto the guards.

jobbridge4life

The Guards is a step to far at this point. HR is the first port of call.

Aard

Basically your bf is putting the needs of someone else before yours. No wonder you're upset.

irish_dave_83

Do you know what intellectual disability he has? I mean, could be making him fixated on your boyfriend. If so he should handle with care as this guy would be classed as a vulnerable person, and potentially unpredictable as a result, if he was given a threat.

Best course of action is your boyfriend to go through HR. They will know his medical history and can make an informed decision on how to approach this guy correctly.

Plek Trum

I don;t think HR is an option guys - he is an ex-workmate?

irish_dave_83

Oh sorry, I skimmed over that. My bad.

Rick_

Yes, he's an ex-colleague, my boyfriend doesn't work for the company any more but is friendly with all the staff he used to work with.

I have had a chat with him and explained how I felt. He has deleted and blocked this guy from Facebook and also blocked the known mobile numbers he uses and will not be responding to anything else he sends, if he does. Any questions raised by the other friends as to what has happened are simply being redirected to the other guy so he can explain. After all, he's done nothing wrong, why should it all fall on his shoulders.

Hopefully that's the end of it, and I didn't have to get involved.

jobbridge4life

Plek Trum wrote: »

I don;t think HR is an option guys - he is an ex-workmate?

As far as I took it he was doing this before presumably while he was working with the boyfriend. A note to HR explaining this and that one of their employees is now harassing a former employee would not be inappropriate.