Telling Friend You Love Them While in a Relationship?

LegacyUser

I'm 22, female, and one of my best friends is 22, male. We've been friends since we were 18/19, and flirty with each other from quite near the start of our friendship (it never, ever means something). He always tells me about people he fancies, asks for advice, and visa versa.

My boyfriend and I have the same phone and very similar phone cases from the front, so when either of us picks up one anothers thinking it's ours and reads a text, it's not a problem. My friend and I were messing being a bit flirty and cheesy (just joking, of course). Over the years, we'd say "love you" to each other, with a kissy face beside it. Obviously we love each other but we're not in love with each other, and the kissy face is ALWAYS a joke because we find it cheesy. We've literally been doing it for years since it was . My boyfriend saw this and got freaked about the text. I tried to show him it was a joke (showed him the texts before it), but he's still worried that there's something more going on.

I can see that on one hand he's right to feel insecure, but it was a joke. If he started doing that now with one of his female friends I think I would freak, but if that's how they've always been I don't think I'd have a problem with it. We established years ago that we have no romantic feelings for each other, where as if he started now there could still be miscommunication between him and the girl?

I feel I'm in the wrong, but it has never meant anything. I truly love my boyfriend and I don't know, I feel terrible that he can't see this for what it was - a joke. He has no reason to feel threatened. He has met the friend in question so many times I can't count, because as said, he's one of my best friends. I've explained to my friend what happened and told him that our joking can't continue. He wasn't too happy about it but understood at the same time.

I can't give up one of my closest friends. I'm not sure what else I can do. I have apologised. I plan on taking him out for an "I'm sorry" dinner once I can, but he's just so upset with me and I hate not knowing what to do. I've called and text him and he's replied, but he never really wants to talk as he's trying to "deal with it." He says he feels in a way cheated on.

I don't know what to say or do. Should I just give him some space? I don't know.

TLDR; friend and I often tell each other we love each other. Boyfriend found out and didn't like it, felt threatened. He's really upset. I don't know what to do.

CaraMay

Just because you think it's ok doesn't mean it is ok. I wouldn't bd happy either. I guess you just need to wait and see if he comes round.

Here's my take on it -

If you are as flirty as you claim to be with your friend, then I'm sure your boyfriend has had his doubts/concerns about that. Absolutely nothing wrong with it and it's a perfectly normal reaction to have. But because he loves and trusts you, he probably pushed it aside in his head, but the concerns might still remain.

So when he sees a message that says, "I love you. Kiss", of course he freaked out. Just because you think it's OK, doesn't actually make it so. And just because it's being going on for a while, doesn't mean he has to be OK with it. I wouldn't even say there's anything insecure about that, tbh. To me, his concerns are justified.

Cool it down with this friend. Tell them you need to stop telling each other that you love each other. And, just in case, to me, your boyfriend really isn't in the wrong here.

Penny Tration

Agreed with the others, your boyfriend's reaction is totally justified.

You've been flirting with someone else and telling them you love them throughout your relationship. Your boyfriend is totally correct to say he feels cheated on. That kind of intimacy and flirty behaviour should be directed at him, not some other guy.

Say what you like about it meaning nothing, it must mean something to you if you and the friend are annoyed about having to stop behaving like that.

Tell the friend it's time to cool off. Apologise to your boyfriend and tell him you're going to stop your behaviour immediately.

If you're not willing to do that, then you should probably be with the friend, not your boyfriend.

ManOfMystery

You and your friend knowing this is innocent is a bit like those private jokes that people sometimes have, then wonder why no-one else gets them. You can't expect your boyfriend to just suck it up and go "oh it was just a joke, that's ok then".

The excuse you've gave is probably the same excuse you would give if you were cheating. Your boyfriend's reaction is 100% understandable.

I think you're going to have to accept that when you're in a relationship, there are certain boundaries which don't exist when you're single. One of these is behaving appropriately with members of the opposite (and sometimes same) sex. Multiple messages showing flirting, "I love you" texts, kissy faces, etc is all bit OTT, and not really appropriate behaviour no matter how open minded or emotionally secure your boyfriend could be. There is nothing to stop you being friends with this guy but toning down the intimacy a bit - that should be reserved for your other half.

kylith

You need to tell your friend that you're in a relationship so the flirting, kissy faces, and telling each other that ye love each other are no longer acceptable. Apologise sincerely to your boyfriend and tell him that you're ashamed of your behaviour and you have spoken to your friend and that it won't happen again, and make sure that it doesn't happen again. If you tell your friend about this change in status quo by text show your bf the text. Your bf is never going to be ok with this and if you try to force him to be you'll lose him, and I can't say I'd blame him.

LegacyUser

Completely disagree with all the other posters. Can understand you're boyfriend being worried, but being in a relationship shouldn't mean you have to change who you are and your non-sexual relationships with other people. You are adult humans, not each others property. By all means address his concerns and assure him that there is nothing romantic with anyone else, and that you would tell him if there was, but if you have to alter your friendships with other people just to deal with any potential insecurity he might feel in the future then something is already wrong.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,


I get that you were joking but like the other posters here, I wouldnt be happy if I was my bf writing that to other girls. I trust my bf 100% and would believe him if he said he was only joking but it would hurt to see. It would make the times he wrote the same thing to me feel less special. It would also leave me questioning his sense of relationship boundaries.

I would try to see it from where he is coming from. Don't keep defending it. And don't suggest that he's in the from for being insecure. Just apologise and explain how you can see things from his point of view. Promise to be more concious of this in the future and follow through on your promise.

I wont worry too much apart from that though. It bothers him because he cares about you and the relationship you both have. Bear that in mind.

LegacyUser

Going to go against the majority here. I've several friends male and female I would send messages like this with and my husband is well aware of this and has no issue. My best friend is guy from college who I've gone traveling with, just the two of us for several years and now him, his wife and myself. All three of us love traveling and go away for at least two weeks every year for well over a decade now. My husband doesn't enjoy the type of trips we do so rarely joins us (he has his own hobby I've no interest in that he goes off doing at the same time with his own friends) but has never had an issue even when it was just myself and my friend going.

If a stranger was to look through our texts/facebook/skype messages they'd prob get the wrong idea, we have loads of in jokes only we get, talk in short hand a lot and make stupid comments to each other all the time. I've had some friends, when their partners demanded it, stop interacting with me and I've just felt sad for them but it was their choice to have their relationship that way but no way I'd do the same. I was straight up with my husband (as I'd always been with pervious BF's) when we started dating who my friends were and what my relationships with them are and I wasn't about to dump friends nor change my personality if he has insecurities. I certainly wouldn't be made to feel ashamed of my interactions with my friends. If you've explained this your BF and he still has issue with well sorry I feel it's his issue to get over or not get over thus move on.

Mozzeltoff

can't log in wrote: »

Going to go against the majority here. I've several friends male and female I would send messages like this with and my husband is well aware of this and has no issue...

Yeah but that's your relationship with your husband and that's what works for you guys. And just because it works for you doesn't mean it might work for another couple.

OP quit the fooling and cop on. Majority of my friends are male and yes, I do love them (not in that way of course) BUT it goes without saying. You maybe adults, and no, you are not each others property BUT ye are in a relationship together and ye are meant to love, trust and respect each other. But if you're texting another fella that you love him, even if it's a joke, you're not respecting your boyfriend and after he found out he can't trust you.

Cool it with the friend and apologise again to your boyfriend.

DeltaWhite

Mozzeltoff wrote: »

Yeah but that's your relationship with your husband and that's what works for you guys. And just because it works for you doesn't mean it might work for another couple.

Totally agree with this!

OP I don't even tell my girl friends that I love them and they don't tell me they love me either. It goes without saying, I don't need to text them messages saying it, cant see it being any different if I had a bloke best friend. My bf has girl mates but if I saw him saying "love you" to them I would be upset, can see where your bf is coming from.

Maybe you could just have a chat with your friend and agree that it will be just one of those things that goes unsaid, you love him as your best friend, but don't need to text it to each other!

LegacyUser

Mozzeltoff wrote: »

Yeah but that's your relationship with your husband and that's what works for you guys. And just because it works for you doesn't mean it might work for another couple.

And maybe the OP wants to be able to be with a partner and still be herself around her friends….why should she change how she interacts with people just because she is in a relationship. Smacks of immaturity to me. people are saying the OP should be ashamed and should apologise….for what? She didn't do anything wrong. She is being herself and treating her friends like she has always treated them and I would assume the boyfriend is attracted to her for who she is and not what she will pretend to be. I dated guys who wanted me to change aspects of my life I didn't want to change and those relationships didn't go anywhere. I'm not saying people should be unwilling to change anything but it's about compromise, honesty and open discussion, thats the difference between adult relationships and teenage drama relationships.

By all means the OP should talk to her BF and they can compromise like adults in an adult relationship but I don't think the OP should be made to feel ashamed and go grovelling looking for forgiveness.

osarusan

If your boyfriend doesn't have a problem with it, then that's fine.

If he does, you have to ask whether he has a reasonable right to have a problem with it, or if his complaint is unreasonable.

The majority of posters on here seem to think his complaint is reasonable. So do I, to be honest.

LegacyUser

In another thread on this forum a poster is asking about her BF controlling how she dresses and everyone there is telling her to tell him no and to be careful of modifying her behaviour to sooth his insecurity as it can be the start of a slippery slope. Honestly I see this as no different. They should be able to talk about the issue like adults and find what works rather then straight away the OP having to alter her behaviour and grovel for forgiveness like many on this thread seems to think she should.

Keane2baMused

It's pretty simple. Everyone has what they perceive to be lines that you just don't cross in a relationship. For your boyfriend that line is you don't tell another man (that isn't him or family) that you love them. As a woman id be very upset if my dp was flirting with and saying love you to his girl mates (and he has loads of close female friends he knew for years before meeting me)

You haven't been life long friends with this bloke so, is all this love you crap (joking or not) really necessary?

ManOfMystery

can't log in wrote: »

.why should she change how she interacts with people just because she is in a relationship.

I think this is the crux of the issue. Surely when you are in a relationship, you have to change how you interact with other people? We're not talking about her having to drop her friends or give up her social life, or some other ridiculous extreme - merely saying that there is a certain etiquette when you're in a relationship, and embarking on flirtatious texting with members of the opposite sex - friends or not - isn't really part of that etiquette. No-one is telling her to cut contact ................... just tone it down a bit.


If you think it's fine it continue behaving as a singleton when in a relationship then that's totally your perogative, however I think most people would disagree and personally I think it stinks of disrespect for a current partner to behave like that.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If you think it's fine it continue behaving as a singleton when in a relationship then that's totally your perogative, however I think most people would disagree and personally I think it stinks of disrespect for a current partner to behave like that.

Will have to agree to disagree so as I don't see how she is acting as a singleton. If she was out on the lash with her mates every night and ignoring her OH and filtering with strangers that's acting like a your still single. Talking to your friends like you talk to your friends I don't see the issue. I'm not saying the OP should just do what ever she wants and screw her BF's views but they are adults they should talk about it and try and come to an understanding. I just don't agree the OP should be made to feel shamed or that she is being disrespectful.

It's a case of here is something I do that is part of my personality and how I interact with my friends but BF is uncomfortable, I was not aware it would make them uncomfortable as it was not something done to spite them or with any devious intentions. Now aware of it they discuss it like grown ups and either they make it work thus making their relationship stronger or they can't and they aren't right for each other. The OP shouldn't have to grovel and beg forgiveness which is what it feels the majority of people on the thread seem to think she should do.

DeltaWhite

can't log in wrote: »

And maybe the OP wants to be able to be with a partner and still be herself around her friends….why should she change how she interacts with people just because she is in a relationship. Smacks of immaturity to me. people are saying the OP should be ashamed and should apologise….for what? She didn't do anything wrong. She is being herself and treating her friends like she has always treated them and I would assume the boyfriend is attracted to her for who she is and not what she will pretend to be. I dated guys who wanted me to change aspects of my life I didn't want to change and those relationships didn't go anywhere. I'm not saying people should be unwilling to change anything but it's about compromise, honesty and open discussion, thats the difference between adult relationships and teenage drama relationships.

By all means the OP should talk to her BF and they can compromise like adults in an adult relationship but I don't think the OP should be made to feel ashamed and go grovelling looking for forgiveness.

Yeah but the OP said herself their messages are flirty. Fair enough she said they're messing but can you imagine her bf seeing those messages and then I love you with a kissing face? I would be upset. If you wouldn't, that's fine. But it's not you or me we're talking about here! It's the OP and her bf! He's not happy! She has nothing to be ashamed of, it's just an unfortunate incident, a misunderstanding and they should be able to move on from it like adults.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar position to your boyfriend OP. My ex boyfriend would text on "I love you" to a female friend quite often. I didn't see it as a joke, although he maintained that it was. In my opinion those three words should be kept for your SO or just family members. It's really not fair to do that to someone, especially with a cross-sex friendship. Those words just lose their meaning if they are used so loosely.