Surprising Breakup

LeoBloom15

Hi All. I hung up my boards boots a few years ago but I often found the advice very helpful so I thought I'd give it a whirl again. Last night my gf came over to tell me that she wants to end things (or thinks she does but isn't sure). Obviously I'm pretty gutted but I'm also kind of mystified. I've had breakups before but in those cases the writing was on the wall. I'd consider myself fairly perceptive so I wouldn't expect myself, nor have I ever before, missed 'the signs'.
I'll give a brief overview and maybe a few of you could throw in your two cents. We're both 32. We've been going out for nearly 5 months. I'm a bit of a slow starter but when she brought this up before I told her I like to go slowly and I'm confident that I put her mind at ease. We live in different cities (1hr apart). Saw each other probably every 5/6 days (sometimes more) and then it was a full day and overnight date. The sex was fantastic. She told me several times that it was a sexual revolution for her (She came out of a 5 year relationship a year and a half ago that was sexually lacking). But not just the sex, also the whole intimate bedroom environment. Whether it was chatting or napping or mess fighting. Last week it was her birthday party and I met her parents and some of her friends for the first time. It all went well. After the party she was glowing and told me that her parents really liked me and that she'd never seen them so happy at one of her parties. Said she was so proud that I'm her boyfriend. We had fantastic sex and then afterwards she was telling me how much she likes me and how glad she is that she met me. The next day it was more of the same. Then I had to go. We had a minor argument about something petty on the way to the train station (is this the sign I'm missing? I don't think so) but then said our goodbyes. This is the last time I saw her. She was a bit distant with whatsapp this week so when she came over I suspected that we might have to have a little chat/straightener before normal service resumed but I didn't expect this! (Previously after arguments she said that in previous relationships she kept things bottled up rather than arguing and wasn't used to the process.) She said that she didn't feel really strongly about us all of the time and that worried her and when we had arguments she felt really distant. A few weeks ago with tears in her eyes she had stopped me on the street and asked me if I've gone off her and when I said no of course not she looked so happy and relieved. When I mentioned this, and several great times we've had together (in the last month or so!) she said yes and that I'm being very convincing. She said that sometimes after spending a long period together that by the end she's happy enough to be going home and that she wants to have that feeling of not being able to be apart ever. I told her that I'm often happy enough to be heading home myself but that I consider that fairly normal and often had the same feeling in other relationships (during 'good times'). It feels like an unreasonable metric and a bit like Hollywood love. I asked was there a lack of attraction and she said no, quite the opposite, that she feels extremely turned on just sitting beside me. I asked did she not like my personality and she said no that she thinks I'm so great and funny etc. After a while I said that I think this is madness and mentioned a time two weeks when we were joking around on the street laughing without a care in the world. I said that this is what my idea of love is. These moments can't be faked. Nor can the chemistry between people which was even there when she was crying and hugging and kissing me goodbye. She has a friend (who's a new friend) who she's going on holidays with next month. She's single and hates it. She saw her 3 nights this week and I'm a bit worried that she was in her ear helping her jump to these extreme conclusions.
Sorry it's a bit long and rambling. Let me know if you have any thoughts. Cheers

Addle

At 32, I would imagine that it's not enough for her.
Birthdays have a way of putting these things into perspective.
Have ye ever discussed making changes so you can spend more time together?
Is she trying to give you an ultimatum?

CaraMay

I find all her crying very bizarre. Is she suffering from depression?

Keane2baMused

Do you think it's possible she's pushing to see how seriously you view the relationship?

It sounds like she doesn't really want to break up. All the same though I wouldn't pander to her or do any convincing. Leave the ball in her court now you've said all you can.

LeoBloom15

Addle wrote: »

At 32, I would imagine that it's not enough for her.
Birthdays have a way of putting these things into perspective.
Have ye ever discussed making changes so you can spend more time together?
Is she trying to give you an ultimatum?

CaraMay wrote: »

I find all her crying very bizarre. Is she suffering from depression?

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Do you think it's possible she's pushing to see how seriously you view the relationship?

It sounds like she doesn't really want to break up. All the same though I wouldn't pander to her or do any convincing. Leave the ball in her court now you've said all you can.

Thanks for the replies so far. The ultimatum/pushing me idea is interesting and not something that I had thought of. It's certainly possible given our ages and also that a lot of her friends are starting to have babies. Although we only saw each other once or twice a week, with staying over etc that often meant big chunks of either 2 or 4 days per week which for me was about right for 5 months dating and living in different cities. We'd also started loosely discussing going away together in August so from my end things were evolving nicely and naturally on the contact front.

So far as the crying goes, it was only the two times I mentioned. Once on the street and once saying goodbye after the break up. I don't think that's too much. She certainly has a dark mind at times and can be a heavy thinker but I wouldn't say depressed.

Augme

5 months in and she sounds like a lot of stress already. There are lots of possible reasons she's acting like this, I don't think any of them point your girlfriend in a very positive light though. She seems to struggle to deal with her emotions and express them like an adult. If I was you I'd question whether you really want her to change her mind.

The Princess Bride

I think she's being a tad unrealistic in her expectations.
After only 5 months - it sounds like you were both where most couples would like to be after that time frame.

I would question the influence of this new friend.
Chances are, she told her about your petty argument, perhaps the friend gave her opinion, who knows? Maybe her being single means she'd prefer your girlfriend to be the same ?
Regardless, there's not a lot you can do right now.
Maybe after some time away, she'll realise she made a mistake, maybe not.

Does seem like she was rather impulsive in breaking up with you.Rather odd, I'd agree.
I sincerely hope she's not a drama queen in the making- the crying and over analysing/deep thinking would make me wonder, to be blunt

Take care and keep busy.

LeoBloom15

Augme wrote: »

5 months in and she sounds like a lot of stress already. There are lots of possible reasons she's acting like this, I don't think any of them point your girlfriend in a very positive light though. She seems to struggle to deal with her emotions and express them like an adult. If I was you I'd question whether you really want her to change her mind.

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I think she's being a tad unrealistic in her expectations.
After only 5 months - it sounds like you were both where most couples would like to be after that time frame.

I would question the influence of this new friend.
Chances are, she told her about your petty argument, perhaps the friend gave her opinion, who knows? Maybe her being single means she'd prefer your girlfriend to be the same ?
Regardless, there's not a lot you can do right now.
Maybe after some time away, she'll realise she made a mistake, maybe not.

Does seem like she was rather impulsive in breaking up with you.Rather odd, I'd agree.
I sincerely hope she's not a drama queen in the making- the crying and over analysing/deep thinking would make me wonder, to be blunt

Take care and keep busy.

Thanks for the advice. Good points about the drama. I probably haven't had the perspective to notice it growing. It's very tempting when I'm deeply invested in something with someone to try to make them see sense. The exasperated part of me feels like saying (or shouting!) "come on!, this is ridiculous!". But I'm coming to the conclusion that she needs to realise this for herself (or not).

Keane2baMused

OP you may well find if you call her bluff she will come running back to you in panic. Which ordinarily I would say stay clear of games etc but I think in her case she needs a bit of a wake up call

Augme

LeoBloom15 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Good points about the drama. I probably haven't had the perspective to notice it growing. It's very tempting when I'm deeply invested in something with someone to try to make them see sense. The exasperated part of me feels like saying (or shouting!) "come on!, this is ridiculous!". But I'm coming to the conclusion that she needs to realise this for herself (or not).

This is the crucial part. Unless she realises this and you get back together you could be looking at these similar behaviour patterns throughout the relationship. It could almost be a case of walking on egg-shells in future with you having to worry about not saying something that could upset her in case she freaks out and calls it off again.

LeoBloom15

Augme wrote: »

This is the crucial part. Unless she realises this and you get back together you could be looking at these similar behaviour patterns throughout the relationship. It could almost be a case of walking on egg-shells in future with you having to worry about not saying something that could upset her in case she freaks out and calls it off again.

Totally agree

shamrock2004

LeoBloom15 wrote: »

Saw each other probably every 5/6 days (sometimes more)

Maybe I misread this, isn't this a bit intense?

LeoBloom15

shamrock2004 wrote: »

Maybe I misread this, isn't this a bit intense?

Ah yes, I meant every 5 or 6 days. For example Sunday afternoon to Monday evening and then Friday evening to Saturday afternoon etc

Taltos

It does read a bit too intense OP, but it also reads like she is playing games. intentionally or not she really is. Who knows maybe she enjoys the drama or the expected chase and protestations of love. Or as someone else suggested she is being easily led by her friend - it could be - "you're 32! why hasn't he proposed? Where's the house? Where are the kids..."... All of which will mess with anyones head and if she's insecure in anyway will feed into that whole thing.

But me. I'd be close to knocking this on the head unless I saw some serious signs of growing up here. Not just from her, but you too, as clearly she is only acting this way because you're allowing it. Basically it's time for a serious chat here. If she's issues she needs to talk immediately before they escalate in her own mind but to be honest at this stage I'd be seriously considering blocking her number as life is too short for this kind of stick, maybe when you're in your teens but in your 30's...

As someone above said, you might have to call her bluff but personally I think that if it isn't really over it maybe should be. Your call though, or hers, depending on her mood when she calls you.

shamrock2004

LeoBloom15 wrote: »

Ah yes, I meant every 5 or 6 days. For example Sunday afternoon to Monday evening and then Friday evening to Saturday afternoon etc

Ok. Well your girlfriend's behaviour resonates with me. My relationship ended because of me, in a similar way. I didn't realise it at the time but I was quite depressed. One moment I'd be telling my partner how much I loved her and then next moment I'd be distant and cold. The cause was because of the intensity of it and I was too passive and simply imploded. Physically and mentally I caved in. There were no real warning signs for her - which hurts me to this day because she didn't deserve it. Alas, I just couldn't go on anymore but ingrained in my psyche was the "people pleaser" and I was only able to end it after I could see clearly the effect my relationship was having on me.

Meet with her and give her the time to speak her mind. Tell her to lay her cards on the table and be honest and that you don't want to be led on. She's an adult, she should be well capable of making a decision without leading you on anymore. I hope it works out for you.

LeoBloom15

Taltos wrote: »

It does read a bit too intense OP, but it also reads like she is playing games. intentionally or not she really is. Who knows maybe she enjoys the drama or the expected chase and protestations of love. Or as someone else suggested she is being easily led by her friend - it could be - "you're 32! why hasn't he proposed? Where's the house? Where are the kids..."... All of which will mess with anyones head and if she's insecure in anyway will feed into that whole thing.

But me. I'd be close to knocking this on the head unless I saw some serious signs of growing up here. Not just from her, but you too, as clearly she is only acting this way because you're allowing it. Basically it's time for a serious chat here. If she's issues she needs to talk immediately before they escalate in her own mind but to be honest at this stage I'd be seriously considering blocking her number as life is too short for this kind of stick, maybe when you're in your teens but in your 30's...

As someone above said, you might have to call her bluff but personally I think that if it isn't really over it maybe should be. Your call though, or hers, depending on her mood when she calls you.

shamrock2004 wrote: »

Ok. Well your girlfriend's behaviour resonates with me. My relationship ended because of me, in a similar way. I didn't realise it at the time but I was quite depressed. One moment I'd be telling my partner how much I loved her and then next moment I'd be distant and cold. The cause was because of the intensity of it and I was too passive and simply imploded. Physically and mentally I caved in. There were no real warning signs for her - which hurts me to this day because she didn't deserve it. Alas, I just couldn't go on anymore but ingrained in my psyche was the "people pleaser" and I was only able to end it after I could see clearly the effect my relationship was having on me.

Meet with her and give her the time to speak her mind. Tell her to lay her cards on the table and be honest and that you don't want to be led on. She's an adult, she should be well capable of making a decision without leading you on anymore. I hope it works out for you.

Yes, good points. It's great to get so many opinions on this. It is indeed possible that I've been tolerating game playing. I'm not really a game player myself so I probably don't have an eye for spotting it. Up to this point it hadn't really been a big issue and I probably just chalked it up to personal quirks.

Shamrock that's interesting that this resonates with you. As to whether she's depressed, all I can give you is my amateur opinion that she certainly doesn't seem to be. The distant or cold periods were far outweighed by fun and close moments. That is of course just from my perspective. I was always of the opinion that I was fairly good at taking the temperature. However in this case evidently I've missed something.

So far as meeting her goes, I think I have to take an actively passive role. If she wants to chat I'll certainly hear her out and take a read on it then. But I won't, and can't, be chasing her. Part of me does still wish that we could sort it out and move on. But I suppose the question then would be at what cost? I'm hoping that letting the dust settle for a while will bring a bit of clarity.

shamrock2004

LeoBloom15 wrote: »

So far as meeting her goes, I think I have to take an actively passive role. If she wants to chat I'll certainly hear her out and take a read on it then. But I won't, and can't, be chasing her. Part of me does still wish that we could sort it out and move on. But I suppose the question then would be at what cost? I'm hoping that letting the dust settle for a while will bring a bit of clarity.

Sounds like a good plan pal. Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

LeoBloom15 wrote: »

So far as meeting her goes, I think I have to take an actively passive role. If she wants to chat I'll certainly hear her out and take a read on it then. But I won't, and can't, be chasing her. Part of me does still wish that we could sort it out and move on. But I suppose the question then would be at what cost? I'm hoping that letting the dust settle for a while will bring a bit of clarity.

OP I think you have it pretty sorted. Especially "I won't and can't be chasing her"
I think you have nailed it on the head yourself.

One other point on dust settling and bring a bit of clarity. From my experience it sometimes and more often does not bring that clarity. The sense of closure doesn't occur.
If it doesn't then park the why and soul searching for why and what was she thinking etc, sometimes we never know and just have to move on with your heads held high.

If she is to be in your past, then leave her there don't dwell on unknowns
If she is to be in your future she has the ball and knows where you are and you can hear her out and decide then.

Good luck