The slow aftermath..

DeltaWhite

Lost my Mam back in October. Very sudden death some of you might remember I had a thread about it.

All in all, I think I'm dealing with it ok, obviously I wouldn't say I'm happy but I'm surviving/coping/adapting etc.

The problem I have is my friends.

At first, everything was great, they were all around me, ringing me, checking on me and just being the best friends in the world.

Months later, and I knew this would happen, they aren't as good as I need them to be. Which is probably my fault, I'm a bit of a closed book sometimes. I wont talk about my Mam really. Mostly with my family. With my BF and friends, I feel like it's ALL I was talking about, so now I say nothing.

I knew that people tend to back off from someone going through grief. For various reasons, like their own lives and just that I don't really speak about it much these days. So they probably think that I'm ok.

I just feel really hurt lately I am seriously sensitive to the most stupid things, stuff that would never have bothered me in the past, is really bothering me. There's one of my friends who just sounds bored on the phone if I mention that I had a bad "grief" day as I call them. So now I just pretend like I'm great to her. Which is a bad idea, because I'm hiding how I really feel inside. I'm not doing great some days! Why should I have to pretend that everything is fine?

All my friends lived pretty sheltered lives compared to mine. Not trying to say their childhoods were easy, but mine was extremely difficult. None of them can even begin to understand how hard it was to have had a schizophrenic Mother. Even when I tell them some of the awful things in my past, they still cant truly understand what I went through and how terrifying my childhood was. Which obviously still affects me today.

I honestly feel so alone these days. Is this still part of the grieving process? Some days I feel like I'm a burden. Days when I feel like I should just break up with my BF so he can be free. And days where I wont go out and chill with my friends if I've been upset.

Seriously, is the problem me? This grief malark messed with my head. I cant even make simple decisions, like I cant choose which type of bread to buy, things like that. I did attend counselling and it did help a bit, but in hindsight it was too soon to be going and it wasn't even bereavement counselling. Am going to ring to go back because quite obviously I am not coping as well as I seem to think I am!

This thread was originally supposed to be about my friends and what I should do, but now it's all about grief, probably should be in the bereavement section if Mods want to move it there, that's ok with me.

I guess I should probably sit down with them all and actually tell them "Hey yeah so I'm actually NOT doing ok" just a bit lost at the min, hoping some boardsies can help me!

LadyFenghuang

I'm really sorry OP.

I think you should reach out and don't think people will be shocked. Try counseling. I understand shock can make the little things very very hard.

We all pretend we are doing ok. It's a defense mechanism.

Sometimes we are ok.

tailgunner

DeltaWhite wrote: »

I guess I should probably sit down with them all and actually tell them "Hey yeah so I'm actually NOT doing ok"

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read through your post. If your friends they think you're okay, or even that you're pretending to be okay, they're probably inclined to leave well alone. It sounds like they are great friends though - if they were there for you before, they'll be there for you again if you reach out.

As to how you're dealing with things - I don't believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve, and maybe putting on a brave face is your way of coping. I do think going back to counselling is a good plan though.

Sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

Merkin

I'm so sorry DW, I didn't know your Mum died.

Two things. There is no template for grief and no two experience it the same way, it can hit you from nowhere a long time after the event and particularly when you think you might be doing OK.

Secondly, people are funny around grief. So many of the kindest and most sensitive people simply don't know what to say or how to discuss death openly. Please don't be hard on your friends, I think they may not want to bring it up for fear of upsetting you if you seem to be doing OK. Please open up a bit if you can. Phone a close friend and ask can you call over with some wine and confide in how you're really feeling? People really don't mind.

I do think you should go back to bereavement counselling to help you process these recent feelings. Anger is an important part of the grieving process, not just anger at the deceased but also anger at those closest to you so what you're experiencing is not unusual. Make an appointment as I think it will help you.

The pain never lessens but you learn to cope with it. Chin up and take care. I'll move this thread over to Bereavement as requested OP.

kerry4sam

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Lost my Mam back in October. Very sudden death some of you might remember I had a thread about it.

All in all, I think I'm dealing with it ok, obviously I wouldn't say I'm happy but I'm surviving/coping/adapting etc.

The problem I have is my friends.

At first, everything was great, they were all around me, ringing me, checking on me and just being the best friends in the world.

Months later, and I knew this would happen, they aren't as good as I need them to be. Which is probably my fault, I'm a bit of a closed book sometimes. I wont talk about my Mam really. Mostly with my family. With my BF and friends, I feel like it's ALL I was talking about, so now I say nothing.

I knew that people tend to back off from someone going through grief. For various reasons, like their own lives and just that I don't really speak about it much these days. So they probably think that I'm ok.

I just feel really hurt lately I am seriously sensitive to the most stupid things, stuff that would never have bothered me in the past, is really bothering me. There's one of my friends who just sounds bored on the phone if I mention that I had a bad "grief" day as I call them. So now I just pretend like I'm great to her. Which is a bad idea, because I'm hiding how I really feel inside. I'm not doing great some days! Why should I have to pretend that everything is fine?

All my friends lived pretty sheltered lives compared to mine. Not trying to say their childhoods were easy, but mine was extremely difficult. None of them can even begin to understand how hard it was to have had a schizophrenic Mother. Even when I tell them some of the awful things in my past, they still cant truly understand what I went through and how terrifying my childhood was. Which obviously still affects me today.

I honestly feel so alone these days. Is this still part of the grieving process? Some days I feel like I'm a burden. Days when I feel like I should just break up with my BF so he can be free. And days where I wont go out and chill with my friends if I've been upset.

Seriously, is the problem me? This grief malark messed with my head. I cant even make simple decisions, like I cant choose which type of bread to buy, things like that. I did attend counselling and it did help a bit, but in hindsight it was too soon to be going and it wasn't even bereavement counselling. Am going to ring to go back because quite obviously I am not coping as well as I seem to think I am!

This thread was originally supposed to be about my friends and what I should do, but now it's all about grief, probably should be in the bereavement section if Mods want to move it there, that's ok with me.

I guess I should probably sit down with them all and actually tell them "Hey yeah so I'm actually NOT doing ok" just a bit lost at the min, hoping some boardsies can help me!

You do know don't you that it's okay to not be okay?! This is still so fresh for you that you need to have more patience and time for yourself. It was only a few months ago that you lost you Mom, so be more kind to yourself.

What are you doing in a Positive Way to help yourself? What are you doing in a Positive Way to assist with your mindset and creating a calm and peaceful way of living for yourself? Have you any release of any kind?
Here, have a read of my thread here. That was some of what I done to help myself. It involved numerous friends in varying ways helping me on my Journey through to Happiness again.
Maybe you are not at that stage yet, but I needed to find Positives after my Dad passed away so suddenly. For me it was Fri 20th Dec 2013. The last time I saw My Late Loving Dad was when he drove me to Kerry Airport ; gave me a Huge Hug ; told me he Loved Me and waved me off. That was it. I returned home Friday evening & was unable to see Dad. I next saw My Late Loving Dad again at the morgue the following evening. Sudden! Far far too sudden and un-expected! You can read what happened my Dad right here if you'd like to.

What's jumping out at me from your post is the sadness. Sadness that you need to fight. You truly need to fight hard at over-coming that sadness and find the Positives. That's what will save you in the long-term. You need to find Positives everywhere and find the ways to Smile when you look around.

The below clip is one of my Favourite Songs & Videos.
Hope you Like it,
Thinking of You,
Hugs,
kerry4sam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5TwT69i1lU