Dating a smoker

BANNERMAN98

I am a non smoker. I despise the habit to the point where I will sit away from an ashtray or cover one in the room. So as I'm looking for someone and I want a non smoker, am I hurting my chances by limiting my options. I was on a date last year with someone who was "cutting down" and when outside I hid my detest St the habit but never passed comment on her or her choice, she could see I was annoyed at it despite my best efforts. So do I continue this way or open up to dating a smoker but being disgusted in silence. Would that do more harm in the long run? Surely she would see through it eventually?

Neyite

I dont think you had a right to be annoyed with her, but I do think you have a right to not want to be with someone who has a habit you find intolerable.

Just date non-smokers maybe? You've given it an honest try dating a smoker and you know its not for you so next time you find out a potential love interest smokes, you'll know not to waste your time and hers. There is nothing wrong with that.

BANNERMAN98

I wasn't annoyed with her at all. It's her choice, no problem there. She kept saying I can see you don't like it but I kept saying back I honestly don't but it's your choice and nothing against her personally. I would never judge anyone over this.

Eeden

BANNERMAN98 wrote: »

I am a non smoker. I despise the habit to the point where I will sit away from an ashtray or cover one in the room. So as I'm looking for someone and I want a non smoker, am I hurting my chances by limiting my options. I was on a date last year with someone who was "cutting down" and when outside I hid my detest St the habit but never passed comment on her or her choice, she could see I was annoyed at it despite my best efforts. So do I continue this way or open up to dating a smoker but being disgusted in silence. Would that do more harm in the long run? Surely she would see through it eventually?

BANNERMAN98 wrote: »

I wasn't annoyed with her at all. It's her choice, no problem there. She kept saying I can see you don't like it but I kept saying back I honestly don't but it's your choice and nothing against her personally. I would never judge anyone over this.

Well, you think enough about it to open a thread here, and you say you are disgusted by it, then you say you would never judge anyone over it. But clearly, you do. You say you were annoyed, then you say you were not annoyed.

I think you need to make up your mind as to whether this is a problem for you or not.

maggiepip

It sounds like you'd hit breakdown trying to tolerate a smoker, I'd stick to non smokers

dee_mc

I think it's good to 'limit your options' to people you can actually enjoy being around.
I hate being around people who smell bad, so I wouldn't consider dating someone with BO... I don't see that as limiting my options, I see it as limiting my opportunities for irritation. It's ok to have deal breakers!
Be clear with potential dates about the fact that you are anti-smoking, and avoid going for anyone who describes themselves as an occasional/social/'cutting down' smoker.
Of course, you might end up falling for someone who happens to be a smoker, and find that you can overlook the fact they have a habit you find repulsive... but then they might love you enough to give it up... All in all, simpler to stick to non smokers ; )

Danjamin1

I would honestly say it depends on the person.

I would have taken the same stance as you in the past and stuck strictly to non-smokers, it was a real deal breaker for me. However 4 years ago I met a girl who smoked, we clicked and 4 years later we're engaged. She gave up smoking (her own decision that I supported) and she'd never go back.

It's tough to hide your dislike of the habit, I was open from the start about it and it made it easier as we knew where the other stood.

LegacyUser

BANNERMAN98 wrote: »

She kept saying I can see you don't like it but I kept saying back I honestly don't but it's your choice and nothing against her personally. I would never judge anyone over this.

Given that you say you're disgusted by it and "hid your detest", the fact that you "kept saying back I honestly don't" was futile to the point of stupidity - she saw through your protestations and you were really just insulting her intelligence by attempting to insist that she was wrong. People aren't that thick. Looking at it from her point of view; if anyone I was dating made me feel that any aspect of my behaviour was disgusting or detestable, I'd tell them where to go and I probably wouldn't be that polite about it.

If you don't want to be with a smoker, don't be with a smoker, nothing wrong with having dealbreakers, but don't annoy someone by hanging out with them while judging them. And detesting something about them is judgement, no matter how many times you say otherwise.

zoobizoo

Depends on what age you are and what age she is.

If she's in her 20s and is smoking socially, then the chances are she may give up when she cops on.

If she's in her 30s and smokes 10 a day, the chances are less likely.

I've never dated a "proper" smoker although I have dated very casual smokers.

If it annoys you and you detest it then just avoid smokers - you will never get over it / get over trying to get them to stop. There are plenty more people out there.

RedXIV

Danjamin1 wrote: »

I would honestly say it depends on the person.

I would have taken the same stance as you in the past and stuck strictly to non-smokers, it was a real deal breaker for me. However 4 years ago I met a girl who smoked, we clicked and 4 years later we're engaged. She gave up smoking (her own decision that I supported) and she'd never go back.

It's tough to hide your dislike of the habit, I was open from the start about it and it made it easier as we knew where the other stood.

Snap, i had said before that'd I'd never date a smoker but then I met my partner and it seemed less significant. Not that I don't want her to quit (and to be fair she does try regularly to) but it's just something I'd say is less important than how happy I am with her.

I wouldn't say never date anyone who smokes OP but be aware that you could role someone out for one habit when everything else is perfect for you

meeeeh

As a former smoker I would advise you to do smokers a favour and do not date them. There was nothing I found more annoying on first dates as being apologetic after listening to some condescending rabble about smoking. It usually made me want to smoke more just to spite them.

Btw I am very happy non-smoker now but I am also happy that I did not end up with somebody who viewed me as someone who can be moulded into a person he would like.

orthsquel

There's no point in "being disgusted in silence" at all. If you're clearly bothered by a date smoking and you pretend like it isn't an issue, that it doesn't bother you, what's the point?

You're just giving them a false impression that you're OK with it, and then they will get comfortable smoking around you, aware that you don't have an issue with it so far as they know, only for you to build up a resentment towards them and run the risk of having a row over it.... of which they would be blamed when the one in the wrong from the get go is yourself, pretending that you don't have an issue with smokers and smoking.

So, pretending to be ok with smoking when you're not is going to do the most harm.

There's nothing wrong with objecting to smoking and smoking behaviour (including ecigs and vaping) or not wishing to date a smoker.
What is wrong is pretending you don't have a problem with it and hiding your disgust and issue with it and mislead someone you are dating about your feelings about it, just as much as it would be wrong for someone who is a smoker hiding and pretending they don't smoke and misleading someone they are dating that they are a non-smoker (which I'm sure you would not be happy about to discover).

TheBeardedLady

I'm guessing most people are non smokers these days so I wouldn't say it's that big an issue to avoid them? Don't chat up women in the smoking section, for starters.

Chemical Byrne

I get where you're coming from man. I would never date a smoker. As much as I love my gf, if she had been a smoker, that would have been a deal breaker for me. I utterly detest the habit of smoking. Its disgusting.

BANNERMAN98

Guessed wrote: »

Given that you say you're disgusted by it and "hid your detest", the fact that you "kept saying back I honestly don't" was futile to the point of stupidity - she saw through your protestations and you were really just insulting her intelligence by attempting to insist that she was wrong. People aren't that thick. Looking at it from her point of view; if anyone I was dating made me feel that any aspect of my behaviour was disgusting or detestable, I'd tell them where to go and I probably wouldn't be that polite about it.

If you don't want to be with a smoker, don't be with a smoker, nothing wrong with having dealbreakers, but don't annoy someone by hanging out with them while judging them. And detesting something about them is judgement, no matter how many times you say otherwise.

Well id like to tell you where to go. I never at any point judged her or imply she was wrong. So continue to hide behind a guest user on here

BANNERMAN98

RedXIV wrote: »

Snap, i had said before that'd I'd never date a smoker but then I met my partner and it seemed less significant. Not that I don't want her to quit (and to be fair she does try regularly to) but it's just something I'd say is less important than how happy I am with her.

I wouldn't say never date anyone who smokes OP but be aware that you could role someone out for one habit when everything else is perfect for you

Real good advice there. Some food for thought

HardenendMan

The problem with smoking is the seriousness of the addiction. People can be so flippant about smokers...as if they have an easy way of getting rid of your hang up by giving up cigarettes.

Saying that, you are dead right to pick and choose, If the smell repulses you etc, just don't do it for the wrong reasons (i.e. think smokers are stupid weak people).

osarusan

BANNERMAN98 wrote: »

So do I continue this way or open up to dating a smoker but being disgusted in silence. ?

If you will continue to be disgusted in silence, then it would be pointless.

If it's that big a deal, avoid smokers.

Or try and get over it.

But if you continue to be disgusted in silence, while saying it is not big deal, that will become pretty obvious to a partner very quickly, and won't make for a good atmosphere.

con___manx1

I'm an ex smoker and would never date a smoker now for obvious reasons.

themissymoo

There's plenty of fish in the sea, so it's good to be able to filter some out so you know straight away who to not waste your time dating!

Most people have deal breakers, and smoking is actually one for me too. It's no big deal to have a deal breaker, so don't worry about it. It's the same as saying you don't want to date someone who does drugs or isn't a vegan! Different strokes for different folks and all that.