Bullied student

LegacyUser

Hello , I am looking for some opinions on my situation.

Where to begin.. I feel unhappy for a number of reasons.

I have been bullied for a lot of my life ,through out primary and secondary school. Even though this has stopped it has taken it's toll on me. I go to college but have returned home for the Summer holidays. I have no friends where I live(small village). The friends I have made in college are mainly international students. I have no friends at all now in Ireland.
I guess I have been badly treated by a lot of people for a long time now and find it hard to trust new friends now. I have had good friends in the past but these friendships have ended for one reason or another and I do not wish to be friends with these people anymore. I feel like I just don't fit in with others my age group around where I live.

I don't understand why I have been bullied but since I have left second level education it has stopped. Some of the things people did to me are truly awful and I don't know why I have been treated this way... I just can't figure it out. However it makes feel worthless and am struggling to allow it to not affect my self confidence.

College is also a disaster.. I am doing one of the longer courses out there ( want to remain as anonymous as possible) and so have a long time (5+ years) to spend in college/in the area. I was made stay in a house with a relative who I am not close with for the college year as my parents wouldn't pay for accommodation and this is not going to change. I hated every minute of staying where I had to stay and longed every week to return to my home. Nearly every night of college I stayed in reading. I am not the clubbing type of person. I spend nearly all of my time studying... I am not sure if I need to rearrange my life. When I received my results I was elated with them however it came at the cost of spending all my time alone studying despite being about 20 percent above the first class honours treshold. I have already got the reputation of being "nerdy/studious" for doing so well and studying so much. This is something I thought I had left behind after the leaving cert... College life just isn't what I thought it would be. Even though I have my friends during the day once I return home I am alone until the following morning. It is the loneliness that is getting at me.

However when I return home all is not okay either. I have trouble with many of my family members.
My Dad and I have a bad relationship. I have been treated very poorly by him in the past and have no real interest in trying to mend that relationship right now.. I am willing to change but he isn't and for that reason and attempt to resolve the situation means going around in circles.
However my sister and I also have a bad relationship and I guess this is the main area where I am looking for advice.
She is younger but not by much. We resent each other but I know deep down that we could mend the relationship. I want the relationship to change. Basically there is a mixture between name calling , jealousy , competition and snide comments occurring every day.
I want to know how to fix this relationship or at least where to begin. I am willing to admit that I am at least half the cause of the fighting which now is starting to affect my relationship with my Mum.

I have nobody else to turn to. I want everything to just be okay but it isn't and I don't know where to begin to make a change for the better in my life.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Swanley

Let the change begin with you. Be kind, be firm, be consistent in your exchanges. Don't fall for any bait. Keep your head at all times and be kind, be firm, be consistent in your exchanges. Don't fall for any bait. Be kind, be firm, be consistent in your exchanges. Don't fall for any bait. They will soon have no choice but to respond accordingly. That's all I got. I love you.

ihavenoname3

Swanley wrote: »

Let the change begin with you. Be kind, be firm, be consistent in your exchanges. Don't fall for any bait. Keep your head at all times and be kind, be firm, be consistent in your exchanges. Don't fall for any bait. Be kind, be firm, be consistent in your exchanges. Don't fall for any bait. They will soon have no choice but to respond accordingly. That's all I got. I love you.

my advice is get out of Ireland or at least home for the summer and live/work somewhere else. Also next year in college get out and hit the student bar and clubs, you can party and still get good results in college. you wont regret it.:)

LadyFenghuang

I am sorry you are feeling this way OP.

You are not one period in your life. There will be other periods. This will pass.

Work on feeling good about yourself and positive internal dialogue. I know it's hard. But start loving yourself and then the world. :-)

freshpopcorn

Now, I'd first like to congratulate you on your results.
I'd recommend you to see can you get a grant for college or access student financial aid.(not sure of the name) or get a job which will allow you to have cash to either allow to find your own accommodation or allow you to do activities with people.
Now I'll be honest with you in my experience a good way to make friends at college is attending class nights out because some people might bring friends along with them and what I find is there are often people there who hate clubs/loud music etc and there just there to find someone to chat to. I'd also recommend joining clubs and societies that you might be interested in and just go with the flow. If there's an outing to a pub or club that you might think isn't for you. Give it a go and see what it's like. You'll never know who you might meet and get chatting to.
I'm not sure about friends for your secondary school days. Are you friends with them on social media? Or are the relationships totally gone.
As for your dad and sister. Well things do sound strained with your dad.
As for your sister. Lots of siblings constantly bicker with one another and get in great. Is there anything ye both enjoy be it playing tennis, going swimming or watching a DVD that ye both could enjoy. Now this is just a suggestion. Would you and your sister consider working together to make dinner for your dad in fathers day (this Sunday). It would show your mam that ye're getting on and it might also help ye to bond. You might also put your dad in a better mood.

LadyFenghuang

Father's day would be a lovely time to try. Life is long ..this will pass. Don't internalize the fighting and let it change you towards the world.

I am sure they love you.

Rubberchikken

i'm sorry you suffered bullying. people who treat others like that, and imho there's no excuse for it, should be ashamed of themselves.
their behaviour has untold effects on peoples lives.

yes you did great in your college results but i feel you're sad you've missed out on what other students were experiencing.
you're going to be there for another while so maybe it's time for things to change.

is there any grant that can be applied for to allow you to live in student accommodation. could you get work that would allow you to save towards it, maybe not for the coming year but in the near future?

a lot of the college experience is living away from parents/family and mixing with others and i'm guessing you'd like to do this.

if you want a good relationship with your dad and sister, the first steps might have to come from you. maybe just some little things for a while and hopefully these little things will encourage them to open up to you. best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

The reason why I am posting again is because all has not went well since my last post.
The student life thing is okay. I am going to make a change when college starts again and become more involved.

Family life is the reason I am posting. I have been told that the fighting between myself and my sibling needs to stop.It really has gotten out of hand. However despite being told to stop, I wasn't told how to stop. It escalated today.

I am at a total loss. Almost 2 months of holidays left and it just can't continue.

To sum up the fighting:
Name calling
Abusive language
Jealousy
Snide and hurtful comments(constant)
Teasing
Taunting

I need advice , please!
What is the problem - We can't stop fighting
Why is there a problem - Every time I have good intentions of stopping the fighting they fall through. Against your earlier advice , I gave into the taunting. I can't restrain myself from indulging in the fighting , which I know is immature,childish and plain silly.
What techniques or methods can I use. I have tried just being kind but it hasn't been returned.
I need techniques to stop the fighting and giving into the taunting.
I am the older sibling so I feel that it falls on me to be the bigger man at the end of the day.

Thanks guys

Could you look into getting a summer job where you study? That way you could live out of home and not with a relative. Plus then possibly working evenings and weekends when college resumes. You've already said you're not a clubbing person, so you won't be missing anything AND earning money whilst others are wasting it.

Also it would be worth speaking to your college counselor, if you haven't already, because, trust me, long term bullying can stick.

Typer Monkey

In relation to stopping the fighting with your sister, it sounds as if you are going to have to rise above it and ignore her. She'll look pretty crazy shouting and raving into a vacuum. I know that's easier said than done but it needs to be done to make your living environment tolerable for you and your parents.

Could you leave the room whenever a confrontation is imminent? You could also think of someone you like and respect and imagine that they were in the room and behave in a way that you would like them to see. Would you like them to see you shouting obscenities and insults at a young woman?

You could also try to limit the time spent around your sister. It'll be good practice for when you inevitably houseshare with someone you don't like (been there!) or have to work with someone you can't stand (yep been there too!).

It'll be good practice for the adult world

Starokan

Get some counselling to let you deal with the bullying, you have no idea just how beneficial this will be .

My suggestion would be get out of home and when you visit stay for short as in very short periods. I lived in an almost identical situation, no idea why myself and my sibling acted that way, it was almost like we hated each other, I was at fault for much of it, we just rubbed each other up the wrong way, it struck me one day that we simply cannot live with each other. If you can get away I would be pretty sure both that relationship and that with your dad will improve. For what its worth now that we are much older we have a great relationship.

Could you ask the family to finance a loan for you to allow you to move somewhere for the remainder of the summer?, if you can get away try get a part time job in something like a bar, it will improve your circle of casual acquaintances no end.

Next year sign up for J1 or similar. Living at home will not work for you, these situations in my experience drag on for years.

Its not your or your sisters fault its just one of those things, not being in each others faces will sort it. I know you could argue that she should or could leave but you know whats really there for you at the moment, there is a big world out there with a multitude of experiences to be had some good some bad. Time to pack the rucksack and abandon the small village and the small minded morons who ruined your school years