How to compromise on nights out with my partner

LegacyUser · 15-06-2015 2:17pm #1

Hey,

I'm looking for some help with an issue I've been having with my partner of three years. I think this is a bit of a polarising issue with opinions on both sides so I'm going to try and keep it short and to the point.

Basically whenever my boyfriend and I go out together I never see him on a night out. He'd be a very sociable and outgoing person, moving from group to group and talking to anyone and everyone. I really love this about him and I'm not trying to stop that, not at all. I on the other hand am much quieter and do better in small groups. On a night out while I'd talk to different people I'm less likely to strike up conversations with large groups of people, or people I don't know too well.

We were out on a semi formal event this weekend with a large group of friends and other people. We threw a small pre-event party in our place before the event kicked off. I didn't talk to him in the apartment once, but I was ok with that as we were the hosts. When we left for the event we exchanged a few words then he disappeared again. I didn't see him for about 2 hours until it was time to be seated for dinner where we sat besides each other. All through the dinner he kept getting up and leaving, to talk to others, go for a smoke etc.. When the dinner ended he took off again. I looked after myself and was having a good time chatting to people and being on the dance floor, occasionally seeing him around. However a further 2-3 hours passed and I realised I hadn't seen him. I eventually found him (dancing with another girl) and was a bit hurt. I think this is where things kicked off as he was a bit drunk at this stage and I didn't really help the situation, feeling a bit jealous maybe. When I said it to him about wanting to spend some time with him and maybe have a dance ourselves he completely lost it with me. (we were outside for a smoke at this stage as I didn't want to bring this up with him in front of the others) He basically said that he sees me every day and that he shouldn't have to spend nights out with me when he can talk to people he'd just met or doesn't see all the time. He's since apologised for this comment when he sobered up, but I found it a bit upsetting at the time.

It's not like I want to be glued to his hip on nights out, but I think seeing each other for a few minutes every hours or so (not on a strict schedule or anything) should be ok, especially if we've come to an event together. And this is where the issues lie. This is not the first time this has happened and while we've talked about it, we never seem to adequately resolve the issue. He was the one who suggested that I should come to him when I feel lonely on a night out and just tell him directly, but this backfired for me on this occasion.

I guess I'm wondering does anybody have any solutions on how to deal with this, or if everybody tells me I'm completely in the wrong, give me advice on how to get over myself.

Thanks.

15-06-2015 4:14pm

Unsociable girlfriend? wrote: »

When I said it to him about wanting to spend some time with him and maybe have a dance ourselves he completely lost it with me ... He basically said that he sees me every day and that he shouldn't have to spend nights out with me when he can talk to people he'd just met or doesn't see all the time. He's since apologised for this comment when he sobered up, but I found it a bit upsetting at the time.

I'm a bit of a believer in the concept of "in vino veritas" ... "a Latin phrase suggesting that people are more likely to say what they really feel under the influence of alcohol".

Anyhoo ... I don't think you're wrong, I find it a bit bizarre that you NEVER spend time together when you socialise, even when there is a dinner involved. You want to know how to compromise on nights out with your partner but do you think he is willing to compromise?

It's perfectly normal for couples to be separate during an evening out but it seems as though your partner thinks that because you live together it's not necessary to socialise together.

While the recent example is quite fresh, sit down and talk to him, explain how you feel and ask him if he sees your point and/or can see a compromise himself.

retro:electro · 15-06-2015 4:15pm

I'd say you're right to be annoyed yes. Especially since this doesn't seem to be a one time thing, but an ongoing occurance. Personally I wouldn't like my bf stuck to me on nights out. I like that we can go out in a group and get talking to other people and often strangers, but we will always check in with one another at different stages. He will often come over to introduce me to someone or see if I want a drink or just to check how I am, and I do the same. I would be highly insulted if I felt like every time we went out he was rushing to get away from me and he did a disappearing act for hours on end. That's just not on and I'd be seriously questioning the relationship.

It's not right how he spoke to you either. Tell him if he prefers talking to strangers over you on nights out he can do it from now on as much as he pleases, as a single guy.

OneOfThem · 15-06-2015 4:17pm

Reading between the lines, maybe it's the way you came to him? You say you were jealous. Is it at all possible that the situation wasn't that you came up to him and quite reasonably told him you hadn't seen much of him that night and after his smoke could he come over so you to could hang out for a bit and maybe have a dance together and he just out of no where lost it with you like a maniac?

gigglemuch82 · 15-06-2015 4:18pm

First of all, you're not in the wrong - but your boyfriend is.

I see two issues here: 1) you feeling a bit insecure (which is totally understadable given the circumstances) and 2) the total lack of respect from your boyfriend.

Do you live together? How old are you? Can I assume that your boyfriend is still a bit young? (under 25?)

I think it is a bit disrespectful that your boyfriend wouldn't check on you or have some sort of conversation with you once in a while not because he has to but I think that's what all couples do?

It's very rude and somewhat awe-inducing that he would say something like 'I see you every day and I'd rather spend time talking to other people' to you. My partner and I are together for around 3 years and we can't spend enuf time with each other still. We would always stay close to each other when we socialise with other people or if we're talking to other people, we check on each other once every so often to get drinks together or to have a little joke or gossip - which is all part of socialising!! If he's going for a cig, he would invite me over (I don't smoke) or else he would tell me that he's going for a cig if I wanted to come over for a chat or whatever.

Also, can I ask what kind of dance he was doing? Was it a bit over the top? Or were you hurt just because he was totally ignoring you all night? I wouldn't mind my boyfriend dancing with another lady as long as it was all just for fun and innocent but if it was obviously inappropriate, that would be a problem and I would definitely bring it up with him.

What worries me is the part where he says that he would rather spend time talking to other people at a party. Maybe he was drunk and was just acting the b****** but I think he could express himself in a lot nicer way than that.

Do you think, in general, you're a bit clingy or needy? Or have you had any other issues recently? Do you think you have fun as a couple when you spend time together?

I think all your concerns are very well justified. I think the solution here lies with your boyfriend, not you. Maybe you should bring it up with him gently and see what he's really thinking.

irishdude11 · 15-06-2015 4:46pm

I broke up with an ex once because she would never stop moaning about not coming out with me when I was meeting friends for 'lads night out'...and she would never bother going out with her female friends even though they often asked her and I would encourage her to meet them...I would have zero interest in going on a girls night out, I don't know why she was so insistent on going on a lads night out!

I can see where you bf is coming from in that he is living with you and hangs out with you every day and far far longer than anyone else he knows, yet you're complaining that he's not spending even more time with you when you are out with a group of friends. Being overly clingy can be extremely annoying.

This was a party you both hosted so I presume you knew plenty of people at it, hence there was no need to get on his case as this wasn't some situation where he left you on your own with people you don't know and you were lonely.

cactusgal · 15-06-2015 5:15pm

He doesn't sound that nice, OP. How is your relationship otherwise?

IlmoNT4 · 15-06-2015 6:33pm

He sounds really selfish and immature...what age is he?

Whats the rest of the relationship like. Whats it like at home, do you go out as a couple, just yourselves ? Do you both have different hobbies and interests?

Augme · 15-06-2015 7:02pm

You both seem to be in the wrong. After having fun and a few drinks the last thing anyone wants is to be dragged aside by their partner and lectured about their behaviour. There is a time and a place to do that type of thing and you picked one of the worst ones. He reacted to it poorly as well. This is one of those stories where I think if you asked both parties for a description of events then both accounts would be quite different.

I'm not sure how best to comprise either. You're going to get advice from people who would insist on their partner spending time with them most of the night and people who are happy to socialise separately. The best thing to do is sit down sober and discuss this in a calm manner and come to an adequate conclusion.

LadyFenghuang · 16-06-2015 2:11am

Yeah it's nice to spend some time together check in now and again and spend a bit of time I think that's normal.

Completely losing it with you seems over the top. Was it possibly because he had had a few drinks on him?

My approach would be pouty face 'hey I wanna spend some time with you'! Not The whole time together obviously you both should be meeting other people too and relaxing. In fact it should feel really natural.

A bit of both etc. No one wants their partner stuck on them but not at arm's length either! It should be easy enough!:-)

MrWalsh · 16-06-2015 7:58am

Sounds like he prefers to socialise as though he is single. Having a partner there cramps his style. If you dont see him for hours at a time what happens if you want to go home or are unwell or want to introduce him to someone?

Personally I wouldnt be bothered going out places with someone who dumped me like a hot rock when I got there. You need a partner who is mad to be with YOU and who wants to introduce you to people and socialise with you - not dump you at the door and go off having a night out by himself. Thats just disrespectful. And immature.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2015 8:28am

Hi OP

Your BF seems to want to act like he is single in public. You seem to be on the back burner and the old reliable. A convenience!

I'd be more than annoyed with his behavior. You don't seem clingy to me, especially on that night as you hosted pre-drinks then went to an event together. It wasn't like you barged your way onto his night out.
I would wonder why he wants or chooses to dance with another girl rather than you. It smacks of disrespect. I could almost guarantee he would royally flip if you danced with other guys.

I don't think he his really committed to being in a relationship with you. I'd give him his space by dumping him on his backside.
You deserve someone that appreciates and respects you

pookie82 · 16-06-2015 8:50am

There should be a happy middle ground here of spending the first while together or certainly naturally spending time together here and there throughout the night, having a laugh or a conversation or an observation or two amongst yourselves.

He sounds like a bit of an ass tbh. He must see how other couples act - they don't drop their other half at the entrance and say "catch you at 4am when we get home".

TheBeardedLady · 16-06-2015 9:21am

I can see your point and I wouldn't like it myself. If I head out with my boyfriend and nights out and we're both socialising separately, we naturally gravitate towards each other now and then on nights out because we enjoy each other's company and like to have a little kiss and a laugh, not because we feel obliged. We've been living together for 3 years.

Tbh, I wouldn't be up for pointing something out like this to a partner as I wouldn't want him to suddenly start feeling some obligation to hang out with me on nights out - I wouldn't feel comfortable that the only reason he's beside me is because I told him to be. The fact that he's not doing this off his own bat would be an issue for me.

Are things alright generally, OP?

osarusan · 16-06-2015 10:30am

It sounds like he's pretty much doing what he wants - making his rounds of friends and dropping back to see you for a few minutes when he feels like it. Now, if that's fine with you, then there's no problem, but it sounds like it's not fine with you.

If you don't want him to change the way he behaves, yet you're not completely happy about being left alone so much, why don't you go out separately more?

That way you can both behave the way you want, and when you do go out together, maybe it will be more 'special' and he'll naturally stick around more.

Or do different stuff like go to a restaurant or a cinema, where you naturally spend basically the time together.

As TheBeardedLady said, if you get into a situation where he is hanging round you on nights out and you get the impression it's only because of how you feel, that isn't a good situation for anybody.

Dark Phoenix · 16-06-2015 10:31am

seems pretty disrespectful to be honest OP. I'd find it odd that he vanishes on nights out. I wouldnt be happy with him dancing with a nother girl yet refusing to dance with you either.

I think theres a happy medium. I'd never expect a partner to be glued to my side all night as I hate clinginess however I think that it would be normal and respectful to find your partner every so often on a night out and check they are okay and spend a little time with them.

Would find it odd that he doesnt do this at all and doesnt even speak to you / include you in bigger conversations / bring you with him to introduce you to people / doesnt want to dance with you. Doe she go home with you at end of the night or does he dissappear? if you hadnt gone looking for him that night would he have bothered to come and find you at end of the night?

TheBeardedLady · 16-06-2015 10:51am

Another thing: when he apologised for losing the plot with you, could he not see your side at all? Was the issue raised again during the apology?

Queen-Mise · 17-06-2015 9:37pm

I am your partner on a night out bar the drinking. I flit around and would chat to anyone and everyone. Although would check in at times.

I'd let it go. Talking about things with drink in is never a good idea.

Both of ye are very different people. As long as they are no inappropriate flirting or behaviour, then accept your differences.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2015 9:46am

First off thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate hearing from everyone.

To those who asked, we do generally have a good time together. When it's just the two of us we have all the laughs and a great time. It just seems to be a big night out when there's a lot of activity that I feel discarded. I don't expect to spend 100% of the time with him or even 50% but I think a small amount of time isn't too unreasonable. To those who say we should just socialise separate, apologies if I was unclear. We do many things apart. I play a sport on a Tuesday, he has one on a Monday night. He hangs out with his friends every Friday, I hang out with mine some Fridays. I visit my mam every Sunday as does he. We're not exactly spending 100% of all our time every single day together. I'd say we're like most couples, we spend a few days together but we also meet our own friends and have our own interests. I'd never barge along on his lads out as it would be his friends and his time nor would I expect him to join me on my nights out. We do live together and we're both mid to late twenties. We also go on dates and spend plenty of time hanging out together outside the pub and big social occasions.
I guess when I put it like this I'm being unreasonable and should just get over myself and accept what I've got.

I too am a believer in you say what you really feel when drunk, which I think is what was so hurtful as I wasn't drinking then. I admit I probably didn't go up to him as calmly as I should have, I led with I haven't seen you all night, instead of just asking him to hang out which would have been the better option. The dancing with the girl was entirely innocent and I wouldn't normally care. I guess I was jealous that he was having a good time and dancing with others when he wouldn't spend 5 minutes with me. It was nothing to do with romantic jealously as I trust him there completely.

I don't think I am too clingy, as I said I'm happy to do my own thing most of the time. I just feel as a couple it should be ok to spend a few minutes every once in a while saying hi or something. I think it's what other posters said, a conflict of what we want. When we talked about it afterwards (the next day) he apologised for what happened and how he didn't mean to just ditch me like that. That he wanted to spend some time with me but he doesn't know why he didn't. Or why he said things like that. I also apologised for talking to him when we were out as I shouldn't have done that.

I think I'll just let it go for now and in future not say stuff on nights out if I have a problem, that leads to upsetting situations for everyone. Bar this I genuinely feel happy and I guess I just have to learn to deal with it, as I agree talking it out may not help as I don't want anyone to feel forced to spend time with me, I just would like them to want to. I might have a talk with him about what he expects from a joint night out, but I don't want to create an awkward situation for us both, where neither of us are happy.

Thanks for all the helpful comments and for spending your time trying to help a stranger. It was appreciated as I was finding it really upsetting this time and hard to get over.

How to compromise on nights out with my partner

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