Please Someone Help! - Friend and I drifting apart

student111

Hi, I'm a 19 year old girl and for the past few months I have been drifting away from my best friend. We have been best friends for over 10 years and never have had any arguments. She spends all her time with another one of her friends and they're becoming very close. I feel as though I am making all the effort with our friendship. Whenever I text her, I get a reply about 3 hours later and she can never meet me because she is with this other friend. I was meant to be going to an event with her next week and due to unforeseen circumstances I can't go and she doesn't even seem bothered about it.We used to go everywhere together and lately she doesn't even invite me -I have been replaced. I have spent the last few days dwelling on this, causing me to be constantly crying. I need some advice, is it time I stopped trying and let her come back to me if she wants to, or do I continue to be the only one making an effort?

Merkin

I think you need to look at this situation logically. You're not in a relationship with her and yet your terminology would suggest so. It's normal and healthy to have a good mix of friends and one should never rely on another person to such an extent that they're threatened by new friends. If you're as friendly with this girl as you say then certainly say to her that you'd like to see more of her but talk of 3-hour waits for responses and waiting for 'her to come to me' could come across as a little unhealthy or stifling. It's natural that your nose would be a little out of joint if you feel you're not as close to this girl as you were but I'd be a little concerned about your reaction, namely the constant crying etc. May I ask if you have a wide circle of friends or are you quite dependent on this girl?

themissymoo

It's unfortunate to say, but people drift apart. We all change, and you're both bound to be different people to who you were when you were nine years of age. It's tough, but you can't fight for a relationship that she doesn't want to save.

Take a step back. You sound much more highly invested in this friendship than she is anymore, and while it's only natural to want to hang onto it seeing as it has lasted for so long, you can't force it. Have you told her any of this? She might not realise that you feel like you're being replaced. If you haven't, do tell her.

If you have discussed this, let her come to you to initiate contact in future. A friendship is a two-sided affair, and with all the effort you're making it seems very one-sided here. It's not a friendship if she's not really being your friend, is it? There's nothing to hold onto if it doesn't exist anymore, as hard as you may try.

I'm guessing you're a college student, so if you are, check what counselling services they have available. It may help for you to talk about this with someone impartial, just to even get it out of your system a little.

Best of luck.

iusedtoknow

You aren't married to each other, or even in a relationship.

I can only think of 2 people from when I was 19 that I am in regular contact with. It happened at university that we eventually all found different groups of friends that were more to do with our classes and interests rather than just because we were in secondary together.

You need to start broadening your own social network much like your friend has done, rather than mulling over what is happening.

Swanley

student111 wrote: »

I need some advice, is it time I stopped trying and let her come back to me if she wants to, or do I continue to be the only one making an effort?

Yeah, I think it's time. I'm not saying to not be friends anymore, but I am saying you have so much to offer to the world, and that you deserve relationships that are valued by both parties. Don't be sad. Take a step, up. Be there for your 'friend' if she needs you; otherwise - just chill and be yourself. Don't let it affect you - let it make you wiser. Take all the bad sh*t in life that comes your way - and turn it into experience and knowledge & good sh*t.

And breath. You're grand.

LegacyUser

People drift apart OP especially at that age. I'm not in touch with anyone I went to school with. We all had plans to stay in touch when we went to college but once I got there it just went out the window, we just had nothing in common anymore. Time to expand out OP. You may well end up staying friends and in touch but it's really not healthy to be stressing over a friendship like this.

LegacyUser

The others are bang on the money when they talk about friendships fizzling out and people drifting apart. It has happened to most of us. When I was 21 or 22 my best friend did pretty much the same thing to me. I was a bit angry and hurt at the time but I knew there was no point in trying to keep the friendship going when she wasn't making any effort. What I didn't see at the time was that we had become different people and hadn't got much in common any more. We occasionally find ourselves in the same gatherings if we're home and to be honest, we'd not become friends now if we were meeting for the first time.

What I noticed was that you still have a younger person's idea of what a friendship is about. I remember it well from my own school. Nearly all of us girls had a best friend and we were almost like couples. It's a very teenagerish thing and is something that rarely continues past secondary school. In my experience, the best female friend gets replaced by a close circle of friends. Then boyfriends come along and they take the place of the best friend.

Your username suggests that you are at college. Have you made new friends in your college? In my opinion it would be wiser for you to cultivate these college friendships and expand your social circle. You might not ever have a best female friend again but you could go on to have a few close female friends.

Lux23

This happened to me at your age too, to be honest I was always far to reliant on one person to keep me entertained. I found making friends hard and so when I made one I put all my energy into it. My advice is to start making friends with a variety of people. Some may only be acquaintances, while others could become lifelong friends but the aim of the game at your age is to make sure you're never sitting at home on a Saturday night (except by choice).

Lucuma

this is extremely hurtful and traumatic what's happening to you Op. Sadly i've been there. there's no easy way around it, you just have to go through it (the pain) but you will come out the other side. you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you - there are friends that you don't even know about now waiting just around the corner. believe me! The beauty of life is its unpredictability. unfortunately that also means you gotta take the rough with the smooth. feck her if she wants to hang around with this other girl. have a good cry and mourn the loss of the friendship you have lost, you'll never forget it, but one day you'll start to feel better. there are better and brighter friendships and adventures in your future x