Poor Conversationalist

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm a poor conversationalist and it's hurting me professionally, socially and romantically. I'm generally uncomfortable in conversation, and God help me if I'm the one who has to drive it!

I'm a classic introvert and tend to shy away from too much social interaction, and as a result, I struggle to engage socially with people when I actually want to.

I get along fine with my work colleagues but it is very superficial. I do a lot of "client-facing" work and feel that most others find it easier to engage with others on my team - as a result, I'm worried that this may have a negative impact on my career trajectory (even though I like and I'm technically very good at what I do).

Same with my friends. I have enough and some particularly close ones. I don't feel comfortable sharing with even my closest friends, and socially, I feel like I'm at the periphery of the circle. If I were more engaging, I think I wouldn't be the "oh yeah, let's invite him too" guy. I rarely get informed about plans and often have to do the ring around to see if anything is happening.

And dates, well - a nightmare. It's nervy enough as it is, but then add this on top of it... To be honest, I don't know where to begin.

Anyone have any experience in overcoming something similar?

Xterminator

OP - you say cannot share how they are feeling with even close friends.

This would make me think the issue here is not just that you are a poor conversationalist.

I would suspect you may have a deeper issue that causes you to detach yourself.

Of course i'm basing this on a strangers comments; i could be well wrong. But that would be my gut feeling.

HelgaWard

There are a lot of people out there like you. Lots of people do not have a natural aptitude to be sociable/chatty/engaging. I think it is like all things in life, if you want to get better at something, you have to practice, practice, practice. It's like training for a marathon, you wouldn't start with a 20 mile run, start will a small push and then build by 10% every week or two. Start small, like when you are in a shop buying something, make sure you say hello to the person on the checkout, make eye contact, pass a comment about the weather/song playing in the shop/something big that is happening in the news today, say thank you, say good bye, smile. Do this for a week or two until you get comfortable doing this, then raise the bar a bit, and try and have a good conversation with someone in your office or the people who work in the canteen, or the person you always buy a coffee from, ask them how their weekend was, if they say good, ask them were they up to anything special, smile, be warm, relax into it, and just keep building from there.
You'll get more comfortable as the weeks go on, and before you know it you'll be chatting to people more comfortably, easily and naturally.

Rubberchikken

i think practice would help. you're aware of what you're not doing. so try to change it. for a while the effort to make yourself more sociable will probably be hard, but if you persist it will get easier.

there's nothing wrong with being superficial with colleagues. that's all most people are. who, in all seriousness, wants the person sitting near them to be constantly spilling their guts while trying to get work done.

when talking to clients, try to find an open-ended question to ask the client to get them talking. it helps with conversation with anyone and leads to further open-ended questions.

it really does just take some time and practice. good luck

Stheno

I had this problem, and what I did about it was actually documented in a personality test report that was done for a job.

I became well read up on current affairs and in particular sports. If there is a lull in conversations I would bring up something current or ask if any one had followed the soccer/gaa/rugby at the weekend.

It started conversations, and really helped me.

Dark Phoenix

I think OP you might not realise that other people who appear confident might actually be the same underneath!

I am actually more shy than people would ever believe but have gotten good at covering it up and I also just started making myself get on with it as I have seen how badly affected by mum is from crippling shyness.

The old book how to win friends and influence people is actually quite good and gives some excellent basic advice.

My approach is if i have to go into a room of people I don't know is head up and smile and just make eye contact with someone. next step is to talk to them and ask some open questions about themselves or compliment something about them. people love to talk about themselves so once you figure out either a) their passion in life or b) a common interest you have thats the conversation sorted usually!

I honestly think if you try and practice you will find this gets easier.

animaal

It might be worth reading this book.

TG1

animaal wrote: »

It might be worth reading this book.

+1 on this, as an introvert working in a front line customer based role with an extremely extroverted manager, Susan Cain's work was a life changer for me. Well worth a read.

mfceiling

Questions are your friend?

Did you have to travel far? Did you see that thing in the paper yesterday? Have you eaten in that new restaurant?

The more questions you ask the more you'll find out and very soon you'll hit common ground.

I went out with my new neighbours last week for a few drinks. Few good questions and suddenly bingo - we're both big rugby fans and keen fans of the TV programme wheeler dealers!!